I'm a Barbie Girl in a BarbieWorld

Well, maybe not in a BarbieWorld. However, according to the evidence, I have become Barbie. :)

Rachel acquired some new Barbie dolls this Hanukkah.

She was careful to note the similarities between her Mommy and her Barbies in a way that perhaps only a 9 year old in a family where nothing is hidden could occur.

*Both Mommy and Barbie have breasts as hard as rocks.

*Both Mommy and Barbie have no nipples.

*Both Mommy and Barbie have breasts that do not move. (No jiggling but we can both fill out a T-shirt nicely these days)

*Both Mommy and Barbie have breasts that do not sag. (OK. That one is mine. 9 year olds don't know much about sagging)

*Both Mommy and Barbie do not need to wear a bra.

*Both Mommy and Barbie have hair that is removable. (Rachel says, "sad but true.")

*Both Mommy and Barbie have difficulty bending their knees (except for that special edition ballerina Barbie which is an older doll... the earlier edition Mommy could bend her knees and other joints with ease too)

*Both Mommy and Barbie cannot easily move their arms behind their head.

*Both Mommy and Barbie have hair that will melt if exposed to heat (I added that one myself :P)

More tales from the cancer chronicles

These are probably not funny. Might be amusing. Might not even be interesting.

I went back to work this week. Not only did I go back to work, but I did so in abundance. I worked 3 12 hour shifts, back to back. Yes, that is 36 hours straight.

I do have to say I am glad I did not go back any earlier. There are some physical limitations from having had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction with tissue expanders. As my faithful and not so faithful readers know, I'd been going to physical therapy for 2 months to build up my strength and range of motion so I'd be ready. There is most definitely a physical nature to obstetrics that I think most people either do not think about or just take for granted.

So, you are wondering what the most difficult part of returning to work was, I am sure. Was it a difficult vacuum extraction? Was it difficulty performing surgery? Was it the sheer boredom of working Christmas Eve and day with little to do? It was none of those things. Without a doubt, the most difficult task I encountered was putting on my mask. Yes, such a simple task was the most difficult task I had *during* my shift. I was able to do it (remember this requires putting both hands up behind my head), but it was not easy and was at the very limits of my range of motion. This was definitely NOT a motion we worked on in therapy and I'm betting it is not a motion that most people even try to do after this surgery... when they think they have regained a full range of motion.

You'll notice I said it was the most difficult task *during* my shifts. The next most difficult task came at the end. Getting that scrub top off was also not picnic. I nearly went and asked someone to help! I've been wearing medium sized scrubs for years and they are now quite enormous, both tops and bottoms. Glad I did not switch sizes yet though because there is no give or stretch in them whatsoever.

Nutcracker Photos!

You'll have to indulge me. :)

I probably have 100 photos from the dress rehearsal. Plus, I'm waiting on a CD of photos from all the performances taken by someone with a better camera/equipment. I'll be nice and only put up a few. :) I was only able to take pictures at the dress rehearsal. I'm hoping the CD has better photos and more of Act 2 than I was able to get. Those bon-bons were usually moving too quickly for my camera in that light!

This first set is from Act 1, where Rachel appears as a little boy in the party scene. She's wearing a yellow bow tie. She is the center stage in the first photo, directly in front of the tree.

In Act 2, she was a bon-bon. These are from the dress rehearsal, so they are not wearing the bright red circles on their cheeks. The last one was taken in between performances, at the after show meet and greet with the performers.

Hair Raising or Raising Hair

I wonder when my obsession with my hair will end. Will it be when it is a length I am comfortable with or is this a permanent affliction? With the new abundance of gray, it just might be a forever thing.



Who knows? I sure don't.

I would have thought I might be over it by now. But then, a little something happens. I noticed a few days ago that it was almost time to get my eyebrows waxed again. A sign of hope! Then, this morning, eyebrow hairs just start falling. Yup. You read it first here. It's been 4 and a half months since the last time chemotherapy coursed through these veins. At least this time, I know (or at least I fervently try to believe) that they will not all fall out. {fingers and toes crossed on that one!!!!}

Now, on to the hair on my head.
I've moved into the next stage. It's no longer just exceedingly short and more gray than I'd like. It's starting to do bizarre things. The back seems to be growing straight up. The top is growing into what might be loose curls eventually. The sides, however, are straight. If it continues this way, I am sure I will bear a resemblance to a french poodle in no time.
The top photo was taken on December 1. The second is from December 15.
I do believe these answer the question I am often asked, "Will you be keeping your hair short after this?" And, I think it shows why I still wear my wig more often than not when I go out!


On the other hand, two weeks does make a huge difference, as you can see above. Just hoping I won't actually look like a poodle in 2 more weeks!!

What Not To Wear

Someone needs to nominate me for this show.

Seriously.

I need Stacey and Clinton to come out and help me empty out my closet.

Or maybe those people from one of those decluttering shows.



I have an interview today. A job interview. I have not had to dress nicely for an interview in the winter or anything else in ages. Nothing I pulled out worked. It was all too big (a good thing) and/or hopelessly out of date. I compromised with black pants and a newer sweater set.

I have a closet full to the brim with clothing. Sadly, some of it dates back 20 yrs. I need to learn to let go of these things. And I need new clothing!!! It's frustrating bc I can't shop yet. I still have expanders in and won't be my new size until after my next surgery. Because of work and probably because of insurance issues, that won't happen for at least another 6 weeks. Plus, there's all that swelling that I STILL have on the sides.

I need to cheer up. I need a good shopping spree and a nice empty closet to put everything in. And the money to do so. Hence, the interview today.

A Little Perspective, Please

I don't have much in that department.

This is the body we are talking about. OK. It's just me. You are probably not talking about my body. Or maybe you are. :P

Some of you have been with me through the whole thinking positive bit about mastectomy and reconstruction.. that I'm going to have much smaller, perkier, Barbie-like boobs. You've seen and heard me lament about ending up bigger than I thought or hoped I would be. You've seen and heard me talk about looking forward to wearing tops that don't require a bra for the first time since I was 9 or 10.

I admit I had absolutely no desire to be reconstructed to the size that I once was. I'm not sure any plastic surgeon would have or could have done so anyway. I was a candidate for a reduction pre-mastectomy. Implants don't come in sizes that large. And even if they do, they are not or would be considered realistic. Kind of funny because what I had was real!

Why am I going through this discussion? It's because I'm working the front of the house for the Nutcracker today. I needed to put something on a little nicer than my normal jeans and a plain shirt. I pulled out a velour top and pants that I have worn many winters for dressier events. The pants were a little snug last year. Happy to report that they are not at all. They are actually loose! Yahoo! I may have regained some of the weight I lost but not all. The problem came when I put the top on. It used to be a little snug too. I didn't wear this outfit last winter bc I felt like a beached whale in it. I put on the top and Rachel laughed at me. It's HUGE! It just hangs. Doees absolutely nothing for me. I wonder if it ever did.

I know I should be happy about finding that my clothing is too big. I know I've talked so much about looking forward to buying new clothes. It's not even finished but it is a WHOLE NEW BODY. I should be pleased but I don't have anything to wear!!!!!

I did it again!

Maybe that title is not quite correct.

It might not be "again." We might want to count this as a first time.

I went out without my wig.

Not just a little drive in the car "out" like I do often when I drive Rachel to school. I always wear a hat then anyway. Not a taking my wig off once I got somewhere comfortable. Not going into NYC and keeping a hat of some sort on my head all day like I did at the NYC Marathon last month. It doesn't matter what your hair looks like in NYC. No one will give you a pitiful look bc there are people that either shave their heads or wear it super short or even pink on purpose in NYC all over the place.

This was an actual trip into the car and out of it without a wig at all. I took Rachel to school and then went to physical therapy without a wig OR a hat. Yes, it is about 25 degrees out so I did wear a hat outside, but once inside, I went wig-less and hat-less. I feel like Wonder Woman again! Maybe I'll wear those PJs tonight.

Not sure if I ever shared this on the blog, but I bought myself Wonder Woman PJs to wear for after my surgery in Sept. I bought them in the juniors dept at Kohls, something else I was proud of bc of the weight loss I had before I was diagnosed. Unfortunately, I forgot I'd be smaller on top and the top is HUGE now. LOL.

Anyway, back to the story. I went to PT and got tons of compliments on how long my hair is now and how cute it is. It really does NOT feel cute. Maybe it's one of those things I'll look back on and think it actually was cute. I am truly looking forward (I do that a lot, don't I? always looking forward) to being able to look back and decide for myself on the cuteness factor. I think it could be cute with another inch or so. Even another 1/2 inch might help so I could put a little gel or mousse in. I saw a woman at the gym today with a very cute shorter haircut and found myself wondering how long it would be until my hair would be that long. I'm thinking not at least until the summer. I'm also thinking that perhaps in January, I will start going wigless on a regular basis. Maybe.

Also about PT.. I finally went back, obviously. I've not gone for a good three weeks, maybe more. We went on vacation. Then, there was that humongous bill (not as big as the incorrect surgery bill) bc the hospital billed it incorrectly. Didn't want to go until that was straightened out. Then there were all the aches and pains I had and still have that we now know is from the medication I take to keep my estrogen deprived (helps keep the cancer from making an encore appearance... didn't like this show.. no need for an encore, thank you). Lots of excuses. I have made the not so startling discovery that if I keep moving, not only do my joints not hurt, but I feel better. I am in a 100000000x better mood having worked out for 90 minutes today than I have been in a few weeks. I have to force myself to create the time and do this not just for my long term physical health (decreases the recurrence rates, helps prevent osteoporosis which is so important now that I am in menopause, and helps to decrease heart disease which is something else I'm prone to by family history... and what kills MORE women than anything else!!). My mental health definitely depends on exercise too. With figuring out that I need to keep moving, I've lost 2 of the 10 lbs I've gained since diagnosis (most of it since the surgery). :) Not a bad thing either!

This is Nutcracker weekend. Nutcracker all weekend long... and then it is done. :) Rachel actually does not have rehearsal today, so we are going carolling at a nursing home with some school friends this afternoon. While I am feeling a bit like Wonder Woman, I don't think I'm going to "bare it" at either event. It really is too cold!

More on Pantene's Beautiful Lengths

Stef was right. I was a celebrity.

I went early to pick Rachel up from school on Monday so that I could stop in at the hair cutting event. As I walked down the hallway, I had lots of waves and heard "hi Rachel's mom!" several times. Before I could get down the hallway to the barn, I was surrounded by a group of second grade girls. They were so cute. Some wanted to show off their adorable new haircuts and tell me how much hair they donated. Some had some follow up questions to our assembly last week. One needed to clarify something that I found very interesting. She was afraid that because I still wear a wig that I still have breast cancer. I reminded her that my hair was growing back because I finished the chemotherapy that killed any cancer cells that were left, but it was still very, very short, so I'm still wearing my wig for a little while. I also explained to them that, no, I would not be able to get a wig from their hair (this brought tears to my eyes!) because by the time their hair is made into a wig, I won't need one anymore.

When I left, there were 15 hair donations. Plus the two middle school teachers who had their heads (and one mustache) shaved. The kids raised over $2000 to see that happen, well over the $500 goal. Don't know the totals from the bake sale or the still on-going pizza sale this week. I am so proud of all involved. Pantene's Beautiful Lengths is a program so dear to my heart. They do need more publicity. It seems that everyone we know has heard of Locks for Love, but no one's heard of this program before now. I spoke with a mom at dance just this week who was so sad to hear this. Her dd's hair was not long enough for Locks but would have been long enough for Pantene. I also would have donated my own hair when it was cut in preparation to fall out. No need for it to go to waste.

Currently, my hair is really in an awkward stage. Still painfully short but it is starting to curl. The front is straight as can be, but the back and sides are starting to stick up in odd directions. I think with another 1/2 inch, I'll be able to create something half way decent with a little gel or mousse or something.

I've been playing hookey as much as I can from all things medical, except for CMEs. LOL! That's continuing medical education credits for the non-medical folks. It's the end of the year and I did not keep up with earning credits this summer, so I've been playing catch up the last two weeks with on-line programs. I've also been playing hookey from PT. With all the aches and pains that I've been having, and then with the billing mix-up (hospital billed the insurance incorrectly so I ended up with a big fat bill!), I haven't been back in over 2 weeks. The aches and pains have now been officially attributed to Arimidex, the medication I take to keep my body estrogen starved. I did start exercising and stretching on my own again this week and now know it doesn't change the pains at all . I actually helps while I'm moving, as long as I am in motion, it's ok. It's going from beign sedentary to being in motion that hurts the most. So it's time to go back. Especially before my insurance changes on Jan 1 and we have to begin the approval process all over again!

CHEMO BRAIN!

OH MY GOODNESS!

Chemo brain strikes again.

I went out today in search of borscht and cheapo chafing dishes for Rachel's contribution to the Ethnic Pride luncheon tomorrow. She's doing Russia. She made a 20 page scrapbook about Russia including letters from relatives about life when they were 9 yrs old. Not Russian relatives, but relatives that may or may nor be descended from Russian immigrants. She'll be sort of dressed like a peasant. We used Fiddler on the Roof as our basis for her costume.

But I digress.

I went to a town I rarely visit anymore bc the party store there opened nice and early. Saw what looked like a brand new Target and could not resist visiting. I am normally done with most of my holiday shopping by now but I've barely started, so I went in with thoughts of finding some small items for Rachel and others we normally buy for. I have been feeling bad about not having any ideas for Rachel. She already recieved 2 American Girl dolls and dh gave her this Disney Mix something or other that plays music, movies and MPs and all sorts of things. It kept her occupied on the plane rides earlier this month. She also has very few items on her mental wish list.

Anyway, I come home and after the usual hunt for tape, I start wrapping everything. I realize that I actually have 4 gifts for Rachel. Not too bad. I go to put away some little things I picked up in the Dollar Spot at Target and lo and behold.. literally falling on my head.. It's a bag filled with little things I bought at Target during the summer. Who knew? Not me! LOL! Once I saw the bag, I remembered. I can't say the same for the two books that fell as well. I vaguely remember that I bought them. I do remember Rachel asking for them. She still asks for them and I nearly bought them again recently.

The moral of the story is that I just cannot be held responsible for anything I did, said or bought during chemo this summer. That includes the three items I bought on EBAY. Yes, the exact same item, three times from three different sellers. {Note to self: Get those up on EBAY before the holiday season is OVER!}

Show and Tell

That's my project this week.

DD's school is having a cancer awareness week. There are several fundraising activities going on, including a "hair raising" activity. Several teachers and students have signed up to donate their hair to Pantene's Beautiful Lengths program. The children that donate/raise the most money will get to have the honors for the initial haircutting. The Pantene program is similar to more widely known Locks fof Love program, except Locks is just for kids wigs and has more stringent requirements for the hair. You can donate your hair to the Pantene program with a minimum of just 8 inches.

Part of the events for the week are assemblies for the lower and middle school students. I am putting on my big girl panties and will actually get up and not only speak to the kids at assemblies on Wed and Thurs, but I will , once again, TAKE OFF MY WIG IN PUBLIC! I cannot believe I just volunteered to do so. LOL! I was called about speaking at the assemblies but it was my idea to take off the wig to give a strong visual and now I'm a little nervous about it. It's a good thing though. I'm sure it will be just fine. I'm at an awkward hair stage... not bald anymore and not enough hair to look remotely feminine. My wig is a security blanket. I can hide behind it. I envy my sisters in this journey who are comfortable enough to go without covering their heads at any stage. I like my wig and it's always-perfect-but-not-too-perfect style (which is what makes it look real). I like the color better than my own. I like that I don't need to wash it everyday. I love that I don't need to style it. Not ever. It just bounces back into shape. I'm going to miss it in some ways. Never going to miss what it represents though! And, more important, I can't pass up the opportunity to increase the awareness of what it does represent. So, for the second time, I will take it off in public. The only difference is this time it's planned. :)

A Belated Happy Thanksgiving!

We are back from our second home at the House of Mouse. ;)

It was a little chillier than we prefer, but not compared to normal November weather at home. It could not have been too bad because Rachel managed to get some swimming in on Sunday and again on Friday. The days in between really were not warm enough for the pools though. We spent Monday in the theme parks, Tuesday at Cape Canaveral, and Wednesday at the Orlando Science Center (a nice day trip for families with kids BTW.. we also saw the Our Body exhibit http://www.osc.org/specialevent/ourbody.htm while we were there which was amazing even for someone who has disseted a cadaver). On Thursday, we hit Downtown Disney and some outlets before meeting up with my sister, BIL, niece, nephew, Goofy and Pluto for Thanksgiving dinner at one of the resorts. On Friday, we resort hopped, visiting most of the huge gingerbread installations created by the WDW chefs. I think our favorite was the actual working gingerbread and chocolate carousel at the Beach Club. Each creation had hidden Mickeys to find, a new passion for Rachel. After that, we hit the pool and then headed for the airport in the Black Friday traffic.

Hmmm... and I've been wondering my legs are so sore! LOL

I know... it's not fair to talk about it all without pictures, but they will have to wait. Still too much going on here. We're going to meet our new family member this afternoon (baby Marco was born a week ago today to SIL and BIL) and Sunday is, of course, Nutcracker rehearsal day. Rachel's huge Ethnic Pride project is due this week, including her costume that we *just* designed this morning. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that I don't actually have to run out and buy fabric to finish it! We were able to pull it together from clothing I already own. One good thing about being a packrat I guess. Ethnic Pride Day itself is Friday (full day of displays, presentations, a luncheon and a play by the kids). Then we are heavily into the last week of Nutcracker preparations. Of course, Rachel's "Star of the Week" poster and paper is due the next day after the last Nut performance. Sometime in there, I hsve to squeeze in some gift shopping because we have both dh's bday and Hanukkah. It really never ends!

Patience

This is the theme of my life recently.

Patience.

I've needed and still need a great deal more patience. This is especially true when it comes to myself. I am sure that everyone else around me is aware of this. :) It's just me that needs to stay aware of this virtue. :o

I've been so impatient about all of my recovery, everything from hair growth to regaining my range of motion. The truth is that it really is all happening, it's just taken me time to see it.

My hair really is making progress. Here are my latest hair photos. The first is from a month ago. I was about 10 weeks after my last chemo. Now, it's a month later and my hair not only covers my entire head, but I can now see the very beginnings of my natural wave coming back. I can also see a great deal more gray than I thought I had, but I'll ignore it for now! LOL! What a difference, though. I'm relieved to be making progress. I'm still not comfortable enough with it to go without a wig or a hat in public. I was actually more comfortable bald. It's funny that I can actually say that now bc the reality is that I didn't become comfortable with my baldness until it was almost over.

I've been going to physical therapy for about 3 weeks now. In that time, I've gone from having a greatly reduced range of motion to almost normal. There are a few measurements that the physical therapist took that are actually normal, most are rapidly approaching it. Now I'm waiting to see if I will get approval for a few more sessions. I've also moved up the weight on the various machines I can use for strength training my legs. Same for increasing difficulty on the bike. I even tried the elliptical for the first time. Can't do the arms bc I still have my expanders in place, but it's a start.

The biggest thing that made me aware of how much progress I've made was returning to my local scrapbook store this week. I went for the monthly Sweetwater Express kit club. When I went last month, I couldn't open a water bottle by myself, couldn't use a Hermafix dot dispenser by myself (a rolling adhesive thingie for the non-scrappers) and using a paper trimmer was a major accomplishment. I was excited to finish a single 2 page layout even if it did take me more than 2 hrs. I had forgotten how pitiful I was back then! This week, I cranked out 3 layouts in less time (no journaling on two of them bc I need to print it out and the store computer was having issues). I opened my own water bottle with ease and had no trouble with any of the physical tasks.. not that they are that physical in the first place! LOL. It was a huge difference and one I didn't even think about until Carolyn asked me if I needed help cutting chipboard. I didn't need any help to do it and then she reminded me about last month.

Now when I look back, I can see that my expectations perhaps were a bit high. :P

If it's not one thing....

then it really is another.

Just when I thought my schedule of doctors visits was dying down, it picked up steam all over again. This week, I added an allergist and an orthopedist to my collection.

The good news is that it is slowing down again. The good news is also that I am NOT allergic to the flu shot, at least not the one I got today as opposed to the one I reacted to 15 yrs ago. The good news is also that there are no tumors or anything horrible in my arm/hand. I also learned that sometime in the past, probably the distant past, I broke my right arm. Who knew? Not me!

The bad news is that I have carpal tunnel syndrome and will be cutting wayyy back on computer time. That is a good thing too. I've spend far too much time on this chair staring at this screen in recent months. I spent more time than I should have before that as well. I'll still be around to answer personal emails, etc, but won't spend as much time checking and re-checking my favorite sites. That's a good thing too because some of them are cancer sites which can install a sense of fear that's not healthy to live with on a regular basis.

Another tale from the "CANCER CHRONICLES"

In the back of my journal, I have this little list of strange and sometimes very humorous things that have happened along the way. It includes events such as "The Tale of the Deep Blue Pee," "The Episode where Melissa shakes OFF her hair on the beach" and "Rachel performs 'Life as a Cancer Cell in Mommy's Body when Chemo Comes'." All true events.

Today, I added another to the list.

I was up late last night because dh came home late. I often have trouble asleeping until I know he is home. Probably a 9/11 hold over. He gets up very early and wakes me before he leaves, so I didn't get my share of sleep last night. As he wakes me, in the early morning fog, I reach down to remove whatever it was that sitting on my chest. OOPS! That doesn't come OFF! It was my expander/pseudo-breast. It's attached to me. I cannot explain how bizarre that was. Just trust me on this one. Don't try it at home.

I suppose this one will become known as "The Morning Melissa Attempted to Remove her own Breast." I have to think about this one some more...

Trying again..

More pics.. maybe...

Above should be my neice, Hannah as Minnie Mouse, Rachel as Felicity, Bethany as a good witch, and my nephew, Lucas, the cowboy on his horse. They are standing behind my car which is covered with a big flag type wall covering of a haunted house (lucked out and found it at Target). The strange broom in the middle of them is remote controlled. It cackles as it moves. We had fun moving it away from some kids and moving it towards the little ones that were not afraid. We usually do our own trunk decorations, but this worked great for us this year! If we go again next year, I think we'll do the same thing.

Trick or Treat! (For real this time)

Here's Rachel in her gorgeous Halloween costume.

We did what we did last Halloween and went out along the tow path on the canal and took some quick photos.

She had decided last year that she wanted to dress like Felicity of the American Girl doll/books. Originally, we had planned that we'd shop for fabric and patterns and make the outfit over the summer. Chemotherapy kind of got in the way...and once that was over and surgery happened, there was no way it was going to happen this year. Then, I found an Ebay seller (min1900) who worked her magic in record time and created this dress, custom made for Rachel. The costume was a huge hit.

Poor Rachel. Halloween did not last long enough for her this year. She's a 4th grader and feels this is it for Halloween. Her school does not have Halloween parties or events during the school day for grades 5 and up. Even the 4th grade Halloween party was a pretty low key event this year. They still had the parade and then the magic show, all followed by the party. They changed out of their costumes for the very mellow party. They had some snacks and played a few games of Hangman and that was that. After school, we had our quickie photo shoot and then got ready for Trunk or Treat. Trunk or Treat is primarily for the Lower School (grade 4 and down), so she's feeling like she can't go to that next year (she can). Poor kid. I've promised her that it is not all over yet. She can still come up with a sensational costume idea for next year. She's worried she cannot top this one! LOL. Maybe she can even go trick or treating to actual houses with friends.. something she's only done once.

We were met at Trunk or Treat this year by my sister's family and my dad. We also took along one of Rachel's classmates, Bethany. Together, we said Bethany and Rachel were The Salem Witch Trial. Had to tell them the story, though, so they'd understand. :)

ETA:I *was* going to post more photos of the whole gang, but blogger does not seem to be cooperating. Maybe another day.

6 months

Today is November 1.

It is my 6 month anniversary. Exactly 6 months ago today, I became a breast cancer patient. Because I know someone else who's future anniversary will be today, I pulled out my journal and realized that today marked the day my life changed forever. However, it is also the day that my tumor and some lymph nodes were removed. So, that makes today an even more important milestone because I have now been cancer free for 6 whole months.

Amazing how much can happen in such a short time. I've learned I had cancer. I thought, for a moment, that my life was going to be cut far too short. Then just when I thought it was only going to be a bump in the road, it turned into an SUV-swallowing pothole! I cut my hair so it could fall out from chemo. Then, I finished chemo only to see the rest of my hair fall out later! Followed that with what was actually 7 surgeries on one day (if you've been keeping track, I had forgotten one when I wrote the entry about that day). Now I'm in a sort of rehab phase. Taking drugs to make sure I don't make any rogue estrogen. Doing plenty of physical therapy so I can return to normal-ish function and get back to work and bring home some $$ again!

Feels much more like 6 years.

Like watching grass grow

It may be slow, but it's growing!



I just had to show you how much it's grown. It's so true how chemo affects your hair. It's just never the same afterwards. In fact, I think it looks much more like Rachel's color than my former color.




:p






















HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Wedding Pictures!

I know some wanted to see what I ended up in for my Dad's wedding 2 weeks ago, so here are a few. I handed my camera off just twice, so this is it. They are all unedited. If I took the time to edit them at all, they'd never get up here! Fortunately, the paid photographer took plenty of each and every grouping, rearranging people and furniture along the way. I'm looking forward to seeing those proofs, especially the portrait we had done of just us three "kids" (my sister, my brother and I).

Arlene's sister took the ones of Rachel and I. She must be another shutterbug at heart bc she took several and turned the camera to get different views. Love her already! I guess she's my step-aunt? At Rachel's request, I'm going to share two of them so you can see the lower half of our outfits. [edit: I can't seem to get the better shot loaded, but you couldn't see our skirts in that one anyway!]





Here's the family. This is my MIL, dh, Rachel and myself. I handed the camera to my brother for this set. They took several of just the three of us and several with MIL too, but this the only one my brother snapped. While he might have inherited that from my parents (or perhaps he didn't want to get in the way of the real photographers), fortunately he did not inherit their total inability to take a photo. :)

And yes, I'm actually wearing makeup. I'm sure I'm a little flushed and that's not too much blush!

BTW, I just can't help but point out that my bricks.. um expanders... are only a teeny tiny bit larger in these photos than my actual implants will be in 3 months. That velvet jacket is a good two sizes smaller than I would have needed a few months ago. Even with my weight gain. I'll actually be smaller bc I'm still quite swollen on the sides in these photos. Of course, I'm still quite swollen on the sides at the present time too, but you can't see me. At least I hope not. LOL

Bye Bye Pink

As October rolls to a close, so does breast cancer awareness month.

The significance of this month has changed dramatically for me. I'm actually glad to see it go.

One would think it would be great and wonderful. All this pink support everwhere!

The reality is quite different. Don't get me wrong. There's an awful lot to be said about raising money for breast cancer (and all cancer) research and support. Enough cannot be said for anything that gets women to pay attention to their breasts and to get mammograms. Early detection is the key to survival. It's like the pap test. Before the 1960's, cervical cancer was the number one cancer-related cause of death for women. We've come so far.. pap tests were designed to detect cancer. Today, we use them mostly to find pre-cancerous conditions and now we have a vaccine that will prevent most cases of cervical cancer. We do need to get to a similar point with breast cancer. And I believe we will. It's just that there's an underside to all of this that you might not see until you walk on the other side.

Point 1- This is coming too late in the month already, but it's an important point. Think before you pink. http://www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org So many retailers jump on the pink bandwagon at this time of year. Not all of this pink is raising money for anything other than those selling the product. Even some of those that are raising money are not giving much and spending more on marketing their pink product than they are spending on the charity in the first place. http://www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org/Pages/CriticalQuestions.html Yes, it does make us feel good. I remember seeing socks with a pink awareness ribbon on them while shopping in Walmart a few days after I got the notice about my mammogram. While I was busy convincing myself that everyone has abnormal mammos (and they do eventually), I still picked up those socks. I even wear them. It made me feel good to support those whose mammos really were bad... not believing that *I* was one of them. Of course, if you are going to buy that bag of M+Ms anyway, go ahead and make it a pink bag! :)

[an aside.. or maybe not... I just remembered that my all-time favorite, best fitting bra was the Susan Komen foundation bra from Wacoal. I loved that bra. I still have them in my drawer. Nothing defied gravity and fit as well as that bra. I'm glad a dollar ot two went to help, but I would have bought that bra if it had cost $100 and no money went to any charity!]

Point 2- This month is about awareness. I need to remember that. I need to remember that it is not about me. I have never, ever, ever in my whole been as aware of breast cancer as I am at this moment. Not when I gave someone the news that her mammo was abnormal and she needed to see a surgeon for a biopsy. I've done that several times. Not when I examined a woman and knew in my heart what I was feeling was a cancer. Not even when my own family members had it. Not when our friend Judy lost her life. The difference is this. While I was acutely aware at the moment, the hour, the week, I could still turn around and lead my normal life. I could move past it. I could forget about breast cancer that night or the next week. I would be reminded later, but it was different. Breast cancer is now my life. It's part of every little thing I do. I loved those 2 weeks after I recovered from chemo, before my surgery. I finally had energy and was busy running around. I felt normal. Except it wasn't normal. As much as I was "moving on," the last bits of my hair were falling out and I had major surgery on the horizon. It was still part of me. I still had to pull on a wig or a hat if I went outside. I'm aware when I reach for the phone too quickly bc it HURTS! LOL. I'm aware everytime I move my arms or try to lay down. I am all too aware everyday. Yes, I'm still in treatment/recovery, so it is a more intense awareness. I know I will move on, and after a while, I won't have to think about it everyday. Looking forward to that.

This is not to say that I don't forget for whole minutes and even an hour or two at a time. Just last week, I was driving to physical therapy (something I do bc of the surgery I had bc of breast cancer). As I walked into the gym, I was feeling pretty dern good. This is part of reclaiming my life. I am going to get my range of motion back in both arms (but not my chest :() and I am going to build up my strength and endurance. I am moving on from breast cancer. Then, as I walked in the door, I was surrounded by a sea of pink. It took my breath away and, in all honesty, I wanted to cry. I didn't want to be reminded of the truth. I wanted to be walking into the gym like everyone else. But, do remember I said I need to remember this is not all about ME! It's about making sure that all women are aware and do what they need to do to find something like this as soon as possible. It means SBEs and mammos. It means NOT being quiet. It means making sure that everyone understands this could happen to them. It means reminding people that 80-90% of breast cancer does NOT involve family history. And, it means reminding people that this is not just a disease of the post-menopausal women. It happens to us younger fertile types too.

While I'm on the topic and while I'm thinking about someone else I know who needs to hear this....
I need to remember that we, the survivors, we are everywhere. I am headed to a party this afternoon. It's a party for about 25 kids. Three of us moms who will be there are premenopausal breast cancer survivors- 5 months, 3 years and 10 years. When I go back to work in December, I will see the nurse that gave me her extra wigs. I'll see another that told me what radiation was like bc she did it herself a few years ago. I'll see the anesthesiologist who had the same surgeries I had (all of them) bc she shares the same genetic issue I have. And that's just the night maternity crew at a community hospital. When I learned I had chemo, I played a game "spot the bald woman." I just didn't want to feel so alone. I wanted to see other women going about life and dealing with chemo. The first day I played the game, I found 2 women at 10 am in the supermarket. I realize now that there may very well have been more. In a room full of survivors last month (at Martha) no one realized I was wearing a wig until I asked questions of the women whose hair was growing back. Most didn't know until I took my wig off. Know that we are all around, everywhere. We're just not always easy to spot!

So goodbye to pink, but not goodbye to awareness.
And be aware that we are everywhere.
One in 8. That's not a small number.

Great site

This site was posted on YSC today.

http://www.circusofcancer.org/index.html

Great site for others to get some insight into what to do and even say/not say when a friend or loved one is diagnosed.

A little catch up

I did try to post earlier in the week, but blogger and/or cyberspace ate that post.

I started physical therapy this week. I actually asked for it myself. While I do have a decent range of motion for being about 6 weeks out from this surgery, it's not enough. You already all know that I'm not patient when it comes to recovery! LOL. I've been twice so far. The first day was mostly an evaluation. That was a good thing because it showed me how far I still need to go and she taught me several exercises to work on stretching the muscles involved without putting too much pressure on them. The second session was even better. We went over a few of the previous exercises (noting improvement already in some of them! yay me!) and she addressed my concerns about exercise. I have barely exercised at all since June. I did a bit in June when chemo started, but once I got sick in July, it all came to an end. I had slowed down before that anyway just because I wanted to save my energy for taking care of Rachel and going out as a family, etc. Anyway, I started doing cardio on the recumbant bike (not allowed to use the upright and not allowed to run or do fast walking type stuff). We also worked on some abdominal exercises that I can do without using my upper body. I have a work-out again! Not going to be burning the calories like I did before, but it is a start. I'm down 2 lbs and it's not even a full week. Gotta' lost this post-chemo weight. Can't call it chemo weight bc it didn't appear until after I finished chemo.

On other fronts, we are a week away from the NYC Marathon. Dh is running again this year. Very excited for him! He's in better shape and I think better trained than he's been for any of the previous marathons. I think he's worked out some issues he's had in the past and should do quite well. I'm just bummed that I may not be able to go. Rachel has Nutcracker rehearsals on Saturday AND Sunday next weekend. Still debating how to handle it all bc I really want to pick him up at the finish. Plus, we had planned to stay at a hotel near one of the bus pick-ups to get the runners to the start. I was going to drive him early in the am and then head into the city with Rachel to watch him. So, we still need to figure out how he's getting to the start and getting home.

That was a major stressor for me this week on top of the insurance issues. Yes. Once again, it is time for the annual changing of the insurance company. A TREMENDOUS issue this year bc I am in the middle of the reconstruction process. My plastic surgeon does not participate in any plans. The local guys that do participate cannot provide the silicone "gummy bear" style implants I have chosen. Fortunately, my medical oncologist, my internist, my breast surgeon and my gynecologic oncologist are all in network in one of the plans. If they approve the plastic surgeon, we can actually go with the network only choice. Of course, we don't find that out until after choices need to be made. If they don't approve him, then it will cost us some big bucks. Very big bucks. It felt like a return to the beginning when I was spending more time fighting with insurance companies than I was fighting my disease.

I started Arimidex this month. This is my anti-estrogen cancer fighting drug that I'll be taking at least for the next 5 years. I've been on it for over a week now and so far, so good. Not noticing any side effects. It's a drug only given to post-menopausal women. I am one of those now, seeing as I no longer have ovaries. The ovaries are not the only source of estrogen in the body. There's smaller amounts produced peripherally. Arimidex is a member of the aromatose inhibitor class of drugs and it stops that production. So, some women get hot flashes on it... none so far. There are other annoying side effects too, but I haven't seen them yet. I spoke with one of the other Moms at school. She's been on it for 3 yrs without any side effects. Love to hear those sorts of things!

Yup.. more pics still coming eventually.
You should see my hair!!! It's back to about where it was when I had it all chopped off in anticipation of the chemo loss. It's maybe 1/4 of an inch to 1/ of an inch. Fully covers my cold head. Not pleased with the amount of gray, but it's not too bad either. The axillary hair is a royal PIA (pain in the arm) bc I still have no feeling there. Finally got a good shave because I had Rachel hold a mirror so I could watch what I was doing. So glad it is not summer!

my cup(s) overfloweth

Had my final fill yesterday.

I am now not just a little over expanded, but fully and hugely over expanded. OK. So it's just 3 or 4 ounces over, but it feels like a gallon!

It's like going backwards.
I had loosed up a bit, was used to the new size, and was moving around better. Now I feel like the weight of the world, and then some, is on my chest. I can't move my arms as well. Just can't get comfortable, even with Valium on board.

This too shall pass. At least some of it. My chest muscles will get used to this, they'll stretch and then it will be easier again. Of course, I'll still be living with these bricks called tissue expanders sitting on my chest. But it will be easier. Not normal. Just easier. It will never be normal again. Just a new normal. A much more comfortable one after my next surgery in 3 months!!

I am back to suspecting that I will end up larger than I had hoped. After a lifetime of being very well endowed, complete with shouder grooves and back discomfort (both indications for a breast reduction BTW), I wanted tiny little perky "girls." The reality is that my chest wall is too wide for something tiny. I'll end up with what is appropriate for my body. Something in proportion. That might be a C cup, not the B I had dreamed of. Another reality is that I don't have a good idea of what a B cup really is. LOL! Of course, I do need to remember that I am, right now, as I type, larger than I'll be with my final implants. The size I was just before this fill is a tiny bit bigger than I'll be in the end. I did like that size very much when we were clothes shopping. There's enough for cleavage and not so much that I will still have to buy larger tops than bottoms. It's hard to imagine what the final result will be because I still had considerable swelling under my arms and around the implants. The surgical team does say it's improving. Hard for me to tell because I see it everyday.

OK. I've talked myself back down. I'm not going to be bigger than I wanted. I really did like the size I was last week. The shape could use a great deal of help (expanders are not the same shape and certainly not the same consistency as the silicone implants will be). The size was good. :)

I start physical therapy a little later today. I asked for it. I'm viewing it as my own personal trainer. It's time to get my strength back, even if I have to learn new ways to do so. I also bugged my plastic surgeon enough that I'm allowed some cardio other than walking. It's probably obvious that you cannot run with bricks for boobs. LOL! We do have two exercise bikes and I'm allowed to start using the recumbant bike. It's not going to be easy. We bought the second one bc I couldn't reach the pedals on the recumbant bike, but I can do with with a pillow behind me on the seat. Of course, now that I have permission, I'm not sure where I can squeeze it in with all these physical therapy and doctors appointments!

Well, that's life in the slow lane these days. Wedding pics and new hair pics to come soon. :)

A busy week

After surviving the weekend (MIL's all too short visit, SIL's baby shower and father's wedding),
I took back my chauffeur's hat this week and started doing ALL the driving again.

HUGE thanks go out to Patria, Ken and my Dad who took Rachel where she needed to go on a regular basis for the last 5 weeks or so. The same goes for my sister, Monique and Marlene and anyone else my chemo-brain has forgotten for filling in some of the not so regular spots.

I do admit it has been more tiring than I expected. I end up napping or at least vegetating on the quieter days.

I also tried scrapping again this week. :) Spent part of one day this week at my lss for one of the monthly clubs. It took me a good 2 hrs to do a simple 2 page layout. I suppose that shouldn't be a surprise. At times, it can take me a week to do a one pager, but I'm always happier when they just come together quickly, instead of hours. I found I did need help with some things. The *(& Hermafix dot dispenser. I had so much trouble rolling the thing. It was almost comical except that it was painful... so I just passed it to which ever of my fellow scrappers had her hands free at the moment.

I get what I hope is my last fill on Monday. The previous one was not pretty for a few days. I think this one will be a lesser volume, so I'm hoping it does not have quite the same effect. I'm hoping to start physical therapy the next day. My mobility is coming back, but I need more strength and stamina. Hoping the PT will help with some of that.

Picture Day!

Here we go..

This is on Sept 6, my birthday. It also is about 5 weeks after my last chemotherapy session. My head is about as bald as I ever got. You can make out my eyebrows if you look closely. I did lose a little more in the next week until they suddenly started to make a comeback. My bottom lashes are completely absent and there are a few upper lashes left.

This one was taken about 2 weeks later. Not a great shot but it does show the changes. Amazing how fast they grew back!!

These two are from Sept 28, when Patria and I went to the Martha Stewart show. The first pic is from waiting on line. The second was taken in the waiting room, after I had been convinced to remove my wig. I actually have drains in place, hidden under that pink shirt. I had not yet had any fills, just what the 400 cc he put in the expanders at the time of surgery. You can see that 400 ccs in expanders behind the pecs is really nothing on me! You can also see the newly waxed eyebrows and the brand new black peach fuzz! My upper and lower lashes are all back in these shots. They are just VERY short. LOL! Oh, and every audience member really did get a pink Kitchen Aid mixer! We were just given cards so they can mail them to our homes. Imagine carting those boxes around the city (we did park right across the street from the studio). Talk about lymphedema concerns! LOL

A little better today :)

I have to admit that I was really regretting that large fill on Monday. I felt like I had moved several steps backwards. My muscles were so tight, I was so uncomfortable, and I had outright pain. I hate to take pain meds and I still get nervous about taking Valium, but even the Valium wasn't making much of a difference. I also feel like the swelling under my arms has gotten worse... but I'm not sure if it's from the fill or the fact that some feeling is returning and I'm becoming more aware of it. Or, maybe it's that dh was pointing out how oddly I hold my arms all the time, which is all because of the swelling. It's as if my breasts go clear from the front of my chest around to the edge of my back. The plastic surgery team tells me this will go away. Just give it time.

OK. So that was a complaint. The good news is that I do feel less tight today without any meds on board. It still feels like I'm wearing a brick bra, but that's normal. LOL. What a norm! I'll still need to take the Valium to relax the chest enough to sleep. I'll take any improvement I can get.

The better news is that I got out for a shopping trip today! I met up with my Dad's fiance, Arlene, for a "girls day out" aka "we need to get Melissa something to wear trip." We had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory where even their lunch portions are HUGE! Then we headed to Nordstroms to find me something to wear to the wedding. The wedding that is THIS Sunday! Last minute, but with my everchanging body, that could not be helped. I had arranged for a personal shopper to help, but that turned out not to be too helpful. What she had picked out was something I would wear to work, not to a dressy wedding. Arlene went right to work finding more appropriate clothing. The very first thing she picked out was the "one." It's a fitted black velvet suit jacket, embellished with pink and gold roses with a little beading. It has a loop and button closure in front, along with a satin ribbon tied at the waist. The matching black velvet skirt is hour glass shaped (or maybe that's me? LOL) with a ruffle at the bottom. I only need to do the slightest alterations to the sleeves of the jacket (mentioning that more so that I don't forget to do it before SUNDAY!). Someday, I hope I'll need to alter the waist of the skirt... but that will have to wait until the post-chemo and post-surgery recovery is over and I can exercise again! After that, Arlene decided she needed to get me shoes to match. :) No, I did not tell her that I once owned.. oh... what was it... something like 76 pairs of shoes. Really. Truly. I did once own far too many shoes. When we moved 5 years ago, I pared down to less than 20 pairs. Quite funny because I live in Crocs, clogs and sneakers now. Of course, with a size 5.5 foot, shoe buying is an adventure. Arlene is a more average height woman (we'd call her tall in our family, but she's probably normal height) and I think she was a little surprised at how few places actually had anything dressy even in a 6 (I'll wear a 6 with inserts if I can get it to work). We went to 5 or 6 shoe depts/stores before finding a pair that worked. The worst part of the trip though, was finding a camisole to wear under the suit. Oh my. That was horrendous. First, it was nearly impossible bc no one had anything. Not even Victoria's Secret. At the first place where found not only some that would work, but actually had a selection was a nightmare. I still have issues getting clothing on over my head. I got the camisole on and got stuck putting it on and had such several muscular pain! OMG. I shudder just typing about it. Arlene had to step in and get the dern thing off me. Fortunately, we peeked into Anne Taylor (who knew they had petites now??? why couldn't they have had petites when I worked in an office setting??) and they had black camisoles. I ended up with a petite large. It's large enough that I can actually step into it instead of pulling it over my head. What a relief! It may be too big later on in life, but that's A-OK! It will work for Sunday. And, this gorgeous suit should also work just fine after all my reconstruction is done. I'm now a little bigger than I will be in the end. The suit fits very well now and shouldn't be too baggy later on at all. I probably would have needed one two sizes larger before my surgery. Of course, I probably would have needed the skirt a size smaller back in May or June... but that's ok too. I can take it in later. :)

Yes... I know.. I am long overdue for pics on this blog. I think in between folding laundry tomorrow (I'm allowed to do that, not carry the baskets, but fold the clothing), I will upload my bday pics (as hairless as I got) and my current hair and eyebrow pics. The new outfit pics will have to wait until after the wedding. :)

Another ton of bricks!

I asked for it and I got it.

I had another fill today. This time, they added 120 cc (about 4 ounces) to each expander. I am now not just fully expanded on each side, but a little over expanded. I get one more fill in about two weeks.

Here's the concept behind over-filling. My expanders are located behind my pectoral muscles. These muscles need to be stretched to easily fit my future silicone "gummy bear" implants. If the muscles are stretched more than needed, it is much easier to place the new implants (less pain later for me too) and they can even create a touch (and I mean a small touch) of a natural droop. Not a big 40 yr old droop. More like a 21 yr old version. Just so they don't look totally fake under clothing.

All this expansion makes my chest feel like I'm carrying a ton of bricks. Each expansion drives the muscles nuts and everything tightens up. I've read others compare it to wearing an iron bra. That's pretty accurate. It's like a tight iron bra. I keep wanting to take my bra off.... BUT I DON'T WEAR ONE ANYMORE!!!!!!! Is that just not the funniest thing in the world... Me? Not wearing a bra??? I'm the kind of person who had to wear a bra to bed while pregnant and probably should have worn one to bed even when I wasn't. My bras cost over $50 a piece. Every penny was well spent bc they worked. The oddest thing is that I still have a drawer full of them and there are a few hanging on the line in the basement. I can't get myself to get rid of them yet.

Don't worry about me too much. A little Valium does wonders to relax the muscles. I do admit that I probably needed two tablets tonight, but I'm still fearful of these sorts of drugs!

So, why did I ask for another fill when I could have waited a few more days? My dad is getting married THIS SUNDAY! Miss Former 38DD has not a thing to wear. My old clothing just doesn't hang correctly. So, I had another fill today so that I would be comfortable enough to fit in a shopping spree. I have a lunch and shopping date with Dad's fiance on Wednesday. We will find something for me to wear. No choice. Now, if only I could find the strappy ballroom dancing shoes I bought last fall. Definitely the most comfortable heels on the entire planet and they are missing. :(

And then there were NONE!

Hey, hey, hey!

Guess who is drainless?

You only get one guess. ;)

Keep your fingers crossed!

I'm thinking, hoping and praying that I might lose that last drain today!

So, I won't break the record for keeping a drain. I'll live and I'll be able to SHOP!!!! Not that I can shop for my final size yet. I think I'll need to be finished with the expansion process (getting close to finished) and need to have the actual silicone in place (probably this winter) to really shop for new clothing. In the meantime, my father is getting remarried in less than TWO WEEKS and I truly have nothing to wear!!! I keep looking at dresses on-line... halter top style, spaghetti straps, all the things I could never wear before. Not sure if I'm actually ready for them yet though. My pseudo-breasts are not anything near a normal shape. I have swelling on the sides (and elsewhere.. just looks the oddest on the sides). My underarms are still numb which means no shaving (trust me.. if I do get one of those sorts of dresses, we'll get that taken care of somehow!!). Even worse, my out of shape belly might just be bigger than my breasts! I'm thinking I look pregnant! Yikes. I have never looked more forward to exercising in my entire life. It must be because I am not allowed to workout at all! LOL

Fill 'er up!

That was the theme of the day.

Yes, I know this was the holy day of atonement, but my plastic surgeon is not Jewish (imagine that.. who knew?). So, I had my now regular Monday plastic surgery appointment.

Today's appointment was something special though. You see, when I had my mastectomies, I had tissue expanders placed beneath my pectoral muscles. These expanders are like partially filled jelly donut shaped balloons. They are slowly inflated with saline (water) until they are larger than I want to be. Then, I get to keep them for 3 more months so they settle and stretch my skin and muscles out. After that, I'll have another surgery to replace them with the newest type of silicone implants. More on those some other time.

Today, I had my first fill. He added 180 cc of saline to each expander (that's about 6 ounces). I had about 400 cc already in, so I am close to being full already! :) He will need to overfill them, so I'll be getting probably 2 or 3 more fills. Even Rachel got into the game. She pushed the first 50 or so ccs in all by herself.

I'm being told that I'm doing remarkably well. I'm still frustrated bc there's so much more I want to be able to do... like open a bottle of water! I can't exercise at all. I'm afraid to get dressed when no one is around bc I might not be able to get the other arm into my shirt (still in button downs). And getting up from lying down is a work out in itself.

OTOH, I was also told that I'm working on getting to be the practice's record holder for keeping a drain in! I have this one blasted drain left and we are at the THREE WEEK MARK!!!! It is finally slowing down, but it's still draining too much fluid to be removed. Hoping it slows down even more in the next few days so it can come out on Thursday.

And while I'm complaining... here's a lovely piece of information. Because of the bilateral mastecomy, I have absolutely no feeling in either axilla (that's underarms for the non-medical crowd). Why should that be important? Just guess what hair has decided to start growing back now too. Really, it could have waited a few more weeks until I have some feeling there. No feeling means that it's not safe to shave. Probably not safe to wax (not long enough) or use one of those chemical depilatories either. And after the reaction the skin around my eyebrows had after waxing last week, I'm just not going to go there!

A happy and healthy new year to one and all!

Martha Stewart, Live (not!) on Monday!

Just a quick plug.

You can catch me in all my baldness in the Martha Stewart Show audience on Monday, Oct 2. It's a special episode to kick off breast cancer awareness month. I'm in a hot pink button down shirt (hiding those drains) and I have black hair that's... oh... maybe 1/16 of an inch long. LOL. I allegedly show up in numerous audience shots. Local friends will recognize Patria as well. for those that aren't local, you can see of my top chauffeur/nurses... Patria is the blonde sitting directly to my left, in a pink shirt with a jacket over top.

Getting Ready for Martha.. lessons

In a little while, Patria and I will leave for a special taping of the Martha Stewart show. :)

In the meantime, I have learned that it is very tricky to put mascara on super short lashes. It's something they definitely did not teach in the "Look Good, Feel Better" program I attended from the American Cancer Society in June. I learned what to do for when I had no lashes (never did it though) and how to make eyebrows . Never did that either bc I kept 4 or 5 entire hairs on each side and I simply pretended they were eyebrows. I will have to post on of those photos someday. I hope they are longer the next time I'll be putting make up. That will be in a little over 2 weeks, for my Dad's wedding. (As an aside, there really needs to be a better name for what I refer to his soon2be wife... I'm too old for her to be my step-mother, but there needs to be a different title other than "Dad's wife.")

I've also learned that between Rachel and I we have exactly 10001 shades of lipstick. Does that mean that any work for me? No. The ONE shade, something I got in my gift bag from the ACS, is missing. I cannot remember where I last used it or left it. Figures, huh?

I've also learned that my post-chemo skin is STILL so dry that even a moisturizer followed by a liquid foundation with a moisturizer built in is NOT enough. If I had not had such a strong skin reaction to having had my eyebrows waxed this week (can you believe I had enough for waxing in just two weeks?? still amazed over that), I'd go get a facial and see if that would help but my skin is so sensative, I'm a little nervous about doing anything else to it. It's always been sensitive, but now it's magnified a few times... and different. So different from what I've alway had. Wonder if it will ever really return to normal.

2 down, 2 to go!

Yup. Two drains out! Woohooo!!!!

Two more to go.

I was told to stop all my exercises except shoulder rolls. Not like I was working out or anything. LOL! I was just working on little things like slowly raising my arms higher every day. No more until the last drains come and things settle down more. I'm allowed to move them to brush my teeth, get washed, etc. Nothing else.

I had been told last week that we might start fills this week (ie. filling the expanders with saline.. blowing up the balloons essentially). No such luck. It will be re-assessed next week. The expanders are already half way filled, so I am starting at the half way point already.

Stopped by the gyn onc office today too. My huge cyst was just read as a "simple cyst." How boring. LOL. And how wonderful it is to be boring!!!!!!! The washings were all fine and there was nothing wrong with my fallopian tubes. nice and dull, the way we like pathology to be.

The best thing I did today was that pedicure. Oh my. That was amazing. I've never had one at all before. This was some kind of "gel reflexology" pedicure. It was a normal pedicure plus the water thingy was filled with a warm gel. That was followed by some kind of cream application that went up to my knees, followed by what seemed to be an exfoliating rub (also up to my knees) and then two other creams/lotions. All accompanied by a foot and leg message. Then, after she did my nails, while they were drying, I was treated to an amazing back massage. For someone just out of this surgery, with all the tight muscles in my back, it was the most amazing thing. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful. All thanks to my friend, Annette, who totally spoiled me rotten today.. and everyday! Poor Patria. After all that, she got to take me to the plastic surgeon to get my drains removed. LOL. And to the gyn onc's office too. We did get to have a quick lunch afterwards though. :)

step by step

Well, the drains are still draining.

I see the plastic surgeon again tomorrow. The daily totals have been too high for the drains to come out, but maybe they won't do much tonight and things will change. At this point, that's my biggest hope. I am starting to feel much better but having two tubes sticking out on each side of my torso is not comfortable. It just isn't.

When I saw the surgeon for my first post-op check on Thursday, he said things were looking well. I learned that my expanders are already over 1/2 way filled. I also learned that once I am filed all the way (overfilled actually), he'll keep me that way for about 3 months before exchanging the expanders for my "gummy bear" style silicone implants (silicone the consistency of warm gummy bears, it won't go anywhere if the capsule opens).

I also get to make a quick stop in the gyn onc office for my incision check. I hope to see a copy of the ovarian path report then. Once again, I am POSITIVE it is all benign. I saw the pics (have my own copies too). Nothing malignant looking at all. I'd just like to read these things for myself.

My eyebrows are now back in full. BIG. THICK. SHAGGY. Yuck. The good news is that they are going away tomorrow to be replaced with a nicely shaped version. A girlfriend wanted to take me for a pedicure and I told her having my eyebrows waxed would make me even happier! LOL. These former dancer's feet have never had a pedicure. I stopped dancing 15-20 yrs ago and my feet still have not totally recovered. Don't like the idea of exposing them in public! LOL

MY PATH REPORT IS IN...

COMPLETELY CLEAR!!!

It is just the report from my breasts.

It should be no surprise and it's not for me. I was convinced it would be fine. My medical team was not as convinced though. Far too many times, women in my age range who choose seemingly prophylactic breast surgery end up with either previously undetected small cancers or noninvasive cancer (DCIS=cancer in situ) or other precancerous lesions. I completely convinced myself that if there *had* been anything else, the chemo would have killed it. I've been over my films with a fine tooth comb (aka magnifying glass), so it would have had to have been miniscule and chemo certainly can take out miniscule nasty cells.

a little update

It's all happening now.

That's right.

I have lower lashes. They are tiny but they are BLACK and they are mine. The entire lower lid is covered. :)

It's been a rough few days, in all honesty. The week after surgery was more difficult than I expected (I'm sure I've said this already). I quickly recovered to a point in the hospital but did not move far past that until sometime yesterday. Not being able to do even basic things for myself is so very difficult.

Monday was my first post-op check, meaning my first time out of the house. I could not wait but didn't really have the energy either. A nurse checked my drains. Yup, still draining. For those that don't know, I have 4 JP drains coming out of my body, 2 on each side. These are tubes (like IV tubing) that connect to clear plastic bulbs, a little bigger than a tennis ball.. We empty them at least twice a day. One of these had barely drained at all after the surgery. She fixed that! Patria and I were both thoroughly impressed at just how much came out from that one in the office (more than 100 cc for my fellow drain gals). It continue to make up for the last time and kept filling throughout the day and is still draining mega amounts compared to the others. I'm a little sad bc the drains don't come out until they essentially stop draining. After the appointment, Patria stopped and picked up bagels for us. Such a short, simple event was so exhausting. I came home and napped for 2 or 3 hours.

It's looking unlikely that any drains will be pulled on Thursday. I definitely cannot drive until they are gone. Not that I'm ready for that, but once they are out, it will be much sooner until I can drive. I think that once I can start doing some of the chauffeuring of Miss Rachel myself, she will be better. She's doing well, but I can see the stress. She and I both need to reclaim a sense of normalcy, possibly even more so than with what we had going on here during chemo. To do that, I need to be doing at least some of the driving.

Another friend, Annette, will be taking me to my next post-op appointment on Thursday. She was my caretaker yesterday. She picked me up in the morning and brought me to her house for the day. Her couch was actually easier to get up from than mine. :) It's an Italian household, quite similar to a traditional Jewish home... so, yes, I ate more yesterday than I had in days.

I do feel a definite change now mentally too. More like myself. A little weepy at times though. It's hard to separate what is what bc I'm also undergoing MAJOR hormonal changes. This is not the same as normal menopause, something you gradually spiral into. This was a sudden, sharp drop. I went under anesthesia with functional ovaries on Sept 12 and 30 minutes later, they were gone forever. I do still have a miniscule amount of estrogen thanks to the bits our body can pull out from fat. In a woman my age, that amounts to maybe a few grains of sand instead of an entire beach. It's the same as any post-menopausal woman has. I lose even that next month when I start the rest of my breast ca treatment with an aromatase inhibitor (AI). I'll take one everyday for at least the next 5 yrs. It's one of the pluses of joining the ranks of post-menopausal women. :P Studies have shown these drugs to be more effective than tamoxifen in keeping those nasty cancer cells from making a comeback. The AIs cannot and should not be used in pre-menopausal women... at least not for this purpose. Infertility docs prescribe them to induce OVULATION! Horrors! LOL!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

I HAVE HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, there's lots more to report since the 12th, but I wanted to start with my hair!!

For someone like me with such pale skin and such dark hair, the chemo-related hair loss has been a loss of color. I've become lighter and lighter, truly ghostlike in appearance. I thought it was over, but the loss picked up again a month after chemo ended. I nearly lost my eyebrows completely but then the tiny new hairs started coming in as the last few hairs held on. The thin appearance wasn't so bad..... at least I didn't have to wax or pluck them. The worst part was the fear of losing them completely. I am so very thankful that I managed to escape needing to create eyebrows. Even if it was only by a day and about 4 or 5 brow hairs.

I lucked out too with my upper lashes. They did not fall out in noticable numbers until they came back in. That was all within the last few days. I went from long upper lashes with some tiny missing spots to short lashes. All in about 3 or 4 days. The lower lashes are a lost cause but I expect to see a return any second now.

I'd been noticing more and more hair on my pillow at night and inside my hats over the last 2 weeks. Not the direction I wanted to be moving in. I had not read about others losing more hair over a month after chemo. I looked in the mirror late last night and noticed COLOR!! ACTUAL COLOR! It's faint, but I can see it! Instead of feeling skin everywhere, I can feel soft fuzz!! Everyone else can too. I made dh and dd feel it this morning too. It's not quite that velvety feeling it had when it was first cut, but it's close. Someday, when I move back into the rest of the house (living in the family room bc it's easier), I'll add pictures. I looked much balder than I had thought on my bday last week. It took the photo to make realize how much more loss I'd had.

This was perfect timing. I'm about 6 weeks from my last chemo but I'm also recovering from a ton of surgery. While I am incredibly relieved to have all 3 (4 if you count the port, 6 if you count each breast) procedures finished, I'm not happy with my physical state. I tend to hold very high expectations of myself with regard to recovery. Expectations that are so high that I cannot possibly meet them and become dissappointed. I'm needing a lot more pain meds than I expected and I'm not getting around as well as I'd like. Everyone keeps saying how great I'm doing, but I'm not seeing it bc I want and expect more. The gift of the return of my hair is a physical sign that recovery, a return to my life, is just around the corner.

Sept 12, 2006

Today's the day.

Still feels very surreal. I suppose it won't feel real until I wake up from surgery.

We need to be there at 6 am. Surgery is actually scheduled for 7:30am. I still expect to be done around lunch time... whenever that is. LOL

Just going to have to deal with the bald head and the bizarro eyebrows. They are now growing in while they are still falling out. Looked better, I think, as one or the other! Not both. Oh well. There are little tiny hairs in the portion of each eyebrow closest to the nose. This is a weird stage. I need to shave my legs every 2 or 3 days, don't need to shave my underarms at all and three are maybe three tiny new hairs on my head, but that hair has thinned MORE over the last 2 weeks. Still, it's all good. All signs that everything is coming back... or starting over. The latter is more apropo.

As my friend Kim said, here's to eyebrow waxing, mascara, blow dryers and great big round brushes, curling irons, shaving my legs, menopause (I added that one), NO MORE UNDERWIRES!!!!!!, no more birth control of any sort, cute little bras in every color with matching panties, a top and a bottom that match in size, and no more cancer ever!

9/11/01 Where were you when you heard the world had changed?

I was sitting right where I am now. I was checking my email once last time before I left for work. Then, the phone rang. An online scrapping friend was calling to tell me that a plane had just flown into the WTC. I quickly hung up the phone, put on the TV and dialed dh's number at work. Dh's phone never rang. There was no busy signal. There was no all circuits are busy sound either. There was only silence. I tried it again to be sure. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I called his cell phone and left a long message. I called my office and told them I might be late. The WTC had been hit by a plane and I was waiting to hear a "hello" from dh before I left. I was sure he'd call any second. Then, in the midst of these calls, I watched the second plane hit live.

We have both DirecTV and a big satellite dish. I set every TV in the house on different stations and set the big dish to get live news feeds. I ran from room to room. I just needed to see people leaving the buildings. Dh did not work on a high floor. I knew that if people were leaving the buildings, then he would be OK. I can feel the stress building as I write this now. No one was showing footage of people leaving the buildings. All they were showing, over and over again were the planes hitting the towers, the fires, etc. Not even the live feeds showed people leaving the buildings. It was quite some time until they showed people.

My sister was in Alaska, about to leave on a cruise. She called to see if dh was OK bc she wasn't going to go otherwise. She used the word "widow." She wasn't going to go if her sister (me) was a widow. Hated that. Makes me tear up all over again thinking about it. My SIL came over. She too made me scared bc I was confident my dh was coming home to me in one piece. She was so scared, she started throwing up in the bathroom. I couldn't deal with that. I was glad not to be alone, but I needed optimism. I am an optomist at heart. Always. Thinking of the opposite was unbearable.

In the meantime, my mother was getting calls from friends, including my friends, asking about my dh. Mom told them he must be OK bc I didn't call her and that's the first thing I would have done if I was worried. Well, the truth is we didn't have call waiting and I wasn't going to chance dh getting a busy signal. I wanted to call her, but couldn't.

Finally, the agony was ended. My mother called over 2 hours later. SHE had a call from my dh. He thought I would be at work and wouldn't be home. He thought I wouldn't even know what had happened. He was on a train headed HOME! He had left the building after the first plane hit (was told to go back in, did so and went out another exit where there were no firemen or police yet) and was standing under the glass overhang of the Millennium Hotel when the second plane hit. Close enough to see the scratches on the windows. He had to borrow a phone on the train bc he left his cell phone in the building. (When he did get a new phone---thank you Sprint for sending a new one overnight after we called--- my voicemail was waiting for him. You can tell when the second plane probably hit.. it was cut off suddenly).

The train he was on never should have left NYC that morning. We figured out later it was the 9:37. It left after the trains, buses, bridges and tunnels were closed. There's more too.. every subway and train he was on went directly where he needed to go. Every connection was there waiting for him. It was the fastest commute he has ever had. He came home and truly, he did not really know the extent of what happened. We went out to lunch. It felt so strange.. kept looking around and wondering if everyone else kew the world had changed or not. Fighter planes flew over our heads several times. We picked dd up from pre-K. The teachers were amazed and shocked to see dh. Sadly, the nephew of one of the pre-K teachers never came home that day. He never called either.

It was 2 full days until dh understood that the buildings were gone. He left before the collapse. He heard about it on the train but assumed that it was just the top of the building. It wasn't until his manager called and talked about returning to the building that I had to stop him and show him what was going on. They had been working non-stop to re-program the worldwide trading computers (I probably said that wrong) and did not know. It amazed me that they were right there but did not know.

I know life has returned to normal when I don't take the time to listen to dh breathe at night. I spent every night afterwards for months just listening. I started it while watching the continuous local coverage of people searching for their loved ones. Because I knew just easily it could have been me, I felt obligated to watch each and every person on camera looking for a loved one. When I'm reminded of this day late at night, I still stay awake and just listen to dh breathing.

A random thought

Something I just realized while getting dressed this morning.

After today, I will only put on a big, heavy duty underwire bra twice more in my life. Monday and then Tuesday morning. That's it. I can toss or give away ALL my bras. No more 38 DD $50 and up Wacoal bras. Wow. It's all so strange.



btw, the date on the last entry is wrong. It's probably because I loaded that photo into a "draft" on blogger a week before.

In honor of today's shuttle launch

Space Shuttle Commander Rachel

Photo taken at Space Camp Graduation- 8/25/06

When I came home from work this morning at 7:30am, the NASA station was already on. We all watched every last detail of today's launch. TIVO-ed it too. Rachel had such a blast at Space Camp, learned so much and developed a huge interest in the space program. For her first shuttle mission, she was Flight Engineer 2 and performed research experiments on board the simulator. For their final mission at the end of the week, she was the mission commander. She successfully landed the shuttle on the runway... the second time that is! The first time, she landed it in the ocean, but was given a second chance. She's quick to point out that the shuttle is equipped for emergency water landings and everyone would have been just fine. LOL! She's planning to be the first ballerina to dance on the moon... or maybe Mars.

Lots of things to update you on... but lots to do around this house too! Surgery is *THIS* Tuesday, Sept 12 at 7 am. I should be back home on the 14th. Hoping to get a chance to update before then. I do need to share my latest in my hair loss saga, my bday, my tickets to the Martha Stewart special show for breast cancer survivors, and more.

It's not over until it's over

So, it's what... 5 weeks since my last chemo.

I am feeling SOOOOO much better! I don't have all my energy back, but I feel essentially normal. A few little things still going on, but I actually can forget this happened until I catch a glimpse of my nearly bald head in the mirror or if I see my shadow. I forget that strange, unfamiliar shadow actually belongs to me.

Then, there's a morning like this one.

My scalp was a little sore last night. Reminded me a little of when my hair fell out. I wore a turban yesterday. Didn't leave the house (I usually wear my wig out) and it was a chilly day (relatively speaking). I put it back on this morning and took it off before my shower. I noticed a collection of little hairs scattered in it. I can't decide if they are from before (haven't worn the turban since late June) or if they are new. I do have a few little tiny new hairs on my head (very tiny and very few), but today's happenings make me think that they might be new. :(

Worse.

Much worse.

I noticed how uneven my eyebrows are today. I know I lost a few more over the last few days and a few more this morning. Neither looks terrible in my opinion, but they do have different shapes. I did try to make them a little more even and then stopped cold.

WHERE ARE MY EYELASHES?????????

THEY WERE THERE BEFORE and now they are not.

Honestly, I did think there are a few missing a while ago. Just a few. I had to look very closely to tell that and was just guessing. But, now it's the reverse. There are very few left on my lower lids at all. Not really enough to put mascara on!!! There are so few that I can actually count them. I am not pleased. Not at all. I thought this was over. I'm supposed to be in the regrowth phase.



I guess I can do the eyeliner trick. You wear eyeliner and it makes it so your eyes don't get totally lost in your face. Not a huge fan of wearing make up. Especially with this horrendously dry skin that remains from chemo. Make up doesn't work well with being on call at night (in and out of bed) and won't work well at all with surgery. Chances are, I'm just not going to do it.

Please send rapid hair growth thoughts my way!!! I want my eyelashes back. If the eyebrows stay as is, I won't complain. I just want my eyelashes. And my hair. Especially my hair.

I've been ignoring you

and just about everything else too, especially cancer related things.

It might be a step back into denial, but it's also a step into reclaiming my non-cancer related life, albeit temporarily.

Since I lasted posted, we've been on vacation and I've returned to work. We've also picked a new dance school for Rachel (a lengthy process.. took all summer bc I wasn't up to visiting them and she was at dance camp and then the summer intensive program at her old school). I had my pre-op appointment for my soon-to-be-eliminated ovaries and tubes. I've pulled away from reading the various cancer message boards and my support groups on a very regular basis and even delayed returning emails from my cancer-related buddies (I owe several of you emails still, I know!). I've dropped the number of daily meds down to a dull roar. I'm down to my basic three for allergies and asthma plus Pepcid for the acid reflux. That's improving too, a month post-chemo, and I don't need it as much anymore.

I'm starting to get ready for the upcoming surgeries bit by bit. Bought a pair of Karen Neuberger PJs (capri length bottoms so I don't have to hem them. LOL). Found a way for Rachel to get to and from her 3x a week ballet lessons. Even went to Super Suppers http://www.supersuppers.com last night and made a bunch of dinners (birthday present from my sister). The freezer is now completely packed. Not a bit of space in there at all.

I've been slllooowwwlllyyyy workingn on getting the house in order. I'm at the stage where it looks worse now than it did when I started but there are a few big bags of trash so once things go back together, it will be better. It has to be, right? LOL. Rachel and I have made some headway in the playroom this morning. My SIL and BIL are coming to pick up the baby furniture this weekend, including the dresser Rachel's been using to store her dress up clothing. We've been through all of it, except the hats, and have cut way back on what she's keeping. She's 9. I'm guessing dress up will be ending sometime soon. We packed up things that are too small for a friend's 4 yr old and put away some things for my niece for when she's older. I think we made significant progress going from an entire dresser to a small canvas cube.

The other thing I wasted/spent my morning on was getting pictures printed. I'm not only horrendously behind in scrapping but in printing photos. I found this site today http://www.vistaprint.com/frf?frf=485870693770 via someone else's recommendation (you get a discount if you order via that link and I get a few more free prints). The prints are 10 cents a piece for 4x6. First 30 are free. I think 5x7 were 19 cents. Shipping was a bit high but then again, I ordered over 300 prints. It still worked out to an average of under 15 cents a print, including the 5x7s and that's with priority shipping. Aside from the card in my camera now (which has everything from July and August), I'm now caught up in printing, except for the enlargements and odd sizes that I do at home for layouts.

And on the cancer-related front, I found a few tiny little stubbles on my head. Very tiny and very few, but it's a start.

Pictures to follow (Alabama, Rachel at Space Camp, the progress of my hair growth or lack there of) .... eventually!

See You Later!

My surgery has been approved by the insurance company! Great news bc I still had the fear in the back of my head that they'd deny it like they denied other things I felt were important. My plastic surgeon is not in my insurance plan, so it is truly huge news. My gyn and breast surgeons are both in network.

The big day will be Sept 12 at 7am. Expected to last about 6 hrs.

On other fronts, this will be my last post for over a week. We are headed to Alabama in the morning to take Rachel to Space Camp. It's her first sleep away camp experience and our first vacation for two since she was born!

See you later!

What are you doing today?

I'm going to get measured and pick out my new boobs today.

It's just not everyday you can say that!

The best thing about today

I don't have chemo today!

Today marks 2 weeks from my last infusion. I did dose dense chemotherapy so I had treatment every two weeks instead of every 3. It's too bad there is no magic wand that suddenly makes the effects go away. After today, I move into uncharted territory. I've never been 2 weeks and 1 day beyond a chemo treatment. I just noticed that 2 weeks and 1 day after the last chemo also marks 1 month before surgery. The best part of that is that in about a month, there will be nothing left to do but recover (and have hot flashes, but that's another story).

I call this photo "2 Bald Girls with Earrings."

That's not new hair on my head. That's what's left. No obvious signs of growth yet. You can see the slight patchiness of my eyebrows. I do have brow powder to fill them in if it gets worse before everything grows back. Miss Hannah fell asleep within minutes of this photo. I was doing my best to get her to smile, but she wasn't having it. LOL

Random Musings

I actually scrapped yesterday! I started making a few cards to catch up on the many thank you notes I owe plus a few to submit to my favorite card making magazine. Then, I was going to place an order for prints but realized I haven't scrapped a single one from my last big order.

I had planned to use some pretty pink Chatterbox papers for this one. Sadly (LOL), I found that while I do have almost everything left from the pretty Chatterbox pink embellishment kit, I don't have matching papers. So, I changed my plans (except for the photo corners, there's one more in the bottom corner that got cut off) and went with Junkitz papers and my favorite HS chipboard letters (I know this is foreign language to the non-scrappers.. bear with me. LOL!) My "let me do a quick layout in a few minutes" plan turned into something much longer. It made me happy though and that's what counts. This is my niece with whom we'll be having dinner tonight- along with her brother and parents. :)

On other fronts, my morning pill count is dropping. Yahoo. As of this morning, I am done with antibiotics and anti-fungals. I still have a bit of a cough and a raspy voice though. My mouth is still dry most of the time and I'm hoping maybe the rest will go away when that does. No idea on how long that takes. I think I'll try to document it for when others ask the same thing. I'm almost 2 weeks out from the last A/C and still have acid reflux (had to buy more of those pills.. bought a bigger bottle this time so maybe that will make it stop!). I still have "other" issues and require a stool softener (how's that for TMI? LOL). The other annoyance is my eyes. I am constantly tearing. No signs of infection, just tearing. I'm wondering if this is actually do to dry eye as a result of chemo. I probably should add eye drops (something like Natural Tears) to my routine. I'm going to wait it out and see what happens first.

One week and a day until vacation!