Just a quick plug.
You can catch me in all my baldness in the Martha Stewart Show audience on Monday, Oct 2. It's a special episode to kick off breast cancer awareness month. I'm in a hot pink button down shirt (hiding those drains) and I have black hair that's... oh... maybe 1/16 of an inch long. LOL. I allegedly show up in numerous audience shots. Local friends will recognize Patria as well. for those that aren't local, you can see of my top chauffeur/nurses... Patria is the blonde sitting directly to my left, in a pink shirt with a jacket over top.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Getting Ready for Martha.. lessons
In a little while, Patria and I will leave for a special taping of the Martha Stewart show. :)
In the meantime, I have learned that it is very tricky to put mascara on super short lashes. It's something they definitely did not teach in the "Look Good, Feel Better" program I attended from the American Cancer Society in June. I learned what to do for when I had no lashes (never did it though) and how to make eyebrows . Never did that either bc I kept 4 or 5 entire hairs on each side and I simply pretended they were eyebrows. I will have to post on of those photos someday. I hope they are longer the next time I'll be putting make up. That will be in a little over 2 weeks, for my Dad's wedding. (As an aside, there really needs to be a better name for what I refer to his soon2be wife... I'm too old for her to be my step-mother, but there needs to be a different title other than "Dad's wife.")
I've also learned that between Rachel and I we have exactly 10001 shades of lipstick. Does that mean that any work for me? No. The ONE shade, something I got in my gift bag from the ACS, is missing. I cannot remember where I last used it or left it. Figures, huh?
I've also learned that my post-chemo skin is STILL so dry that even a moisturizer followed by a liquid foundation with a moisturizer built in is NOT enough. If I had not had such a strong skin reaction to having had my eyebrows waxed this week (can you believe I had enough for waxing in just two weeks?? still amazed over that), I'd go get a facial and see if that would help but my skin is so sensative, I'm a little nervous about doing anything else to it. It's always been sensitive, but now it's magnified a few times... and different. So different from what I've alway had. Wonder if it will ever really return to normal.
In the meantime, I have learned that it is very tricky to put mascara on super short lashes. It's something they definitely did not teach in the "Look Good, Feel Better" program I attended from the American Cancer Society in June. I learned what to do for when I had no lashes (never did it though) and how to make eyebrows . Never did that either bc I kept 4 or 5 entire hairs on each side and I simply pretended they were eyebrows. I will have to post on of those photos someday. I hope they are longer the next time I'll be putting make up. That will be in a little over 2 weeks, for my Dad's wedding. (As an aside, there really needs to be a better name for what I refer to his soon2be wife... I'm too old for her to be my step-mother, but there needs to be a different title other than "Dad's wife.")
I've also learned that between Rachel and I we have exactly 10001 shades of lipstick. Does that mean that any work for me? No. The ONE shade, something I got in my gift bag from the ACS, is missing. I cannot remember where I last used it or left it. Figures, huh?
I've also learned that my post-chemo skin is STILL so dry that even a moisturizer followed by a liquid foundation with a moisturizer built in is NOT enough. If I had not had such a strong skin reaction to having had my eyebrows waxed this week (can you believe I had enough for waxing in just two weeks?? still amazed over that), I'd go get a facial and see if that would help but my skin is so sensative, I'm a little nervous about doing anything else to it. It's always been sensitive, but now it's magnified a few times... and different. So different from what I've alway had. Wonder if it will ever really return to normal.
Monday, September 25, 2006
2 down, 2 to go!
Yup. Two drains out! Woohooo!!!!
Two more to go.
I was told to stop all my exercises except shoulder rolls. Not like I was working out or anything. LOL! I was just working on little things like slowly raising my arms higher every day. No more until the last drains come and things settle down more. I'm allowed to move them to brush my teeth, get washed, etc. Nothing else.
I had been told last week that we might start fills this week (ie. filling the expanders with saline.. blowing up the balloons essentially). No such luck. It will be re-assessed next week. The expanders are already half way filled, so I am starting at the half way point already.
Stopped by the gyn onc office today too. My huge cyst was just read as a "simple cyst." How boring. LOL. And how wonderful it is to be boring!!!!!!! The washings were all fine and there was nothing wrong with my fallopian tubes. nice and dull, the way we like pathology to be.
The best thing I did today was that pedicure. Oh my. That was amazing. I've never had one at all before. This was some kind of "gel reflexology" pedicure. It was a normal pedicure plus the water thingy was filled with a warm gel. That was followed by some kind of cream application that went up to my knees, followed by what seemed to be an exfoliating rub (also up to my knees) and then two other creams/lotions. All accompanied by a foot and leg message. Then, after she did my nails, while they were drying, I was treated to an amazing back massage. For someone just out of this surgery, with all the tight muscles in my back, it was the most amazing thing. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful. All thanks to my friend, Annette, who totally spoiled me rotten today.. and everyday! Poor Patria. After all that, she got to take me to the plastic surgeon to get my drains removed. LOL. And to the gyn onc's office too. We did get to have a quick lunch afterwards though. :)
Two more to go.
I was told to stop all my exercises except shoulder rolls. Not like I was working out or anything. LOL! I was just working on little things like slowly raising my arms higher every day. No more until the last drains come and things settle down more. I'm allowed to move them to brush my teeth, get washed, etc. Nothing else.
I had been told last week that we might start fills this week (ie. filling the expanders with saline.. blowing up the balloons essentially). No such luck. It will be re-assessed next week. The expanders are already half way filled, so I am starting at the half way point already.
Stopped by the gyn onc office today too. My huge cyst was just read as a "simple cyst." How boring. LOL. And how wonderful it is to be boring!!!!!!! The washings were all fine and there was nothing wrong with my fallopian tubes. nice and dull, the way we like pathology to be.
The best thing I did today was that pedicure. Oh my. That was amazing. I've never had one at all before. This was some kind of "gel reflexology" pedicure. It was a normal pedicure plus the water thingy was filled with a warm gel. That was followed by some kind of cream application that went up to my knees, followed by what seemed to be an exfoliating rub (also up to my knees) and then two other creams/lotions. All accompanied by a foot and leg message. Then, after she did my nails, while they were drying, I was treated to an amazing back massage. For someone just out of this surgery, with all the tight muscles in my back, it was the most amazing thing. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful. All thanks to my friend, Annette, who totally spoiled me rotten today.. and everyday! Poor Patria. After all that, she got to take me to the plastic surgeon to get my drains removed. LOL. And to the gyn onc's office too. We did get to have a quick lunch afterwards though. :)
Sunday, September 24, 2006
step by step
Well, the drains are still draining.
I see the plastic surgeon again tomorrow. The daily totals have been too high for the drains to come out, but maybe they won't do much tonight and things will change. At this point, that's my biggest hope. I am starting to feel much better but having two tubes sticking out on each side of my torso is not comfortable. It just isn't.
When I saw the surgeon for my first post-op check on Thursday, he said things were looking well. I learned that my expanders are already over 1/2 way filled. I also learned that once I am filed all the way (overfilled actually), he'll keep me that way for about 3 months before exchanging the expanders for my "gummy bear" style silicone implants (silicone the consistency of warm gummy bears, it won't go anywhere if the capsule opens).
I also get to make a quick stop in the gyn onc office for my incision check. I hope to see a copy of the ovarian path report then. Once again, I am POSITIVE it is all benign. I saw the pics (have my own copies too). Nothing malignant looking at all. I'd just like to read these things for myself.
My eyebrows are now back in full. BIG. THICK. SHAGGY. Yuck. The good news is that they are going away tomorrow to be replaced with a nicely shaped version. A girlfriend wanted to take me for a pedicure and I told her having my eyebrows waxed would make me even happier! LOL. These former dancer's feet have never had a pedicure. I stopped dancing 15-20 yrs ago and my feet still have not totally recovered. Don't like the idea of exposing them in public! LOL
I see the plastic surgeon again tomorrow. The daily totals have been too high for the drains to come out, but maybe they won't do much tonight and things will change.
When I saw the surgeon for my first post-op check on Thursday, he said things were looking well. I learned that my expanders are already over 1/2 way filled. I also learned that once I am filed all the way (overfilled actually), he'll keep me that way for about 3 months before exchanging the expanders for my "gummy bear" style silicone implants (silicone the consistency of warm gummy bears, it won't go anywhere if the capsule opens).
I also get to make a quick stop in the gyn onc office for my incision check. I hope to see a copy of the ovarian path report then. Once again, I am POSITIVE it is all benign. I saw the pics (have my own copies too). Nothing malignant looking at all. I'd just like to read these things for myself.
My eyebrows are now back in full. BIG. THICK. SHAGGY. Yuck. The good news is that they are going away tomorrow to be replaced with a nicely shaped version. A girlfriend wanted to take me for a pedicure and I told her having my eyebrows waxed would make me even happier! LOL. These former dancer's feet have never had a pedicure. I stopped dancing 15-20 yrs ago and my feet still have not totally recovered. Don't like the idea of exposing them in public! LOL
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
MY PATH REPORT IS IN...
COMPLETELY CLEAR!!!
It is just the report from my breasts.
It should be no surprise and it's not for me. I was convinced it would be fine. My medical team was not as convinced though. Far too many times, women in my age range who choose seemingly prophylactic breast surgery end up with either previously undetected small cancers or noninvasive cancer (DCIS=cancer in situ) or other precancerous lesions. I completely convinced myself that if there *had* been anything else, the chemo would have killed it. I've been over my films with a fine tooth comb (aka magnifying glass), so it would have had to have been miniscule and chemo certainly can take out miniscule nasty cells.
It is just the report from my breasts.
It should be no surprise and it's not for me. I was convinced it would be fine. My medical team was not as convinced though. Far too many times, women in my age range who choose seemingly prophylactic breast surgery end up with either previously undetected small cancers or noninvasive cancer (DCIS=cancer in situ) or other precancerous lesions. I completely convinced myself that if there *had* been anything else, the chemo would have killed it. I've been over my films with a fine tooth comb (aka magnifying glass), so it would have had to have been miniscule and chemo certainly can take out miniscule nasty cells.
a little update
It's all happening now.
That's right.
I have lower lashes. They are tiny but they are BLACK and they are mine. The entire lower lid is covered. :)
It's been a rough few days, in all honesty. The week after surgery was more difficult than I expected (I'm sure I've said this already). I quickly recovered to a point in the hospital but did not move far past that until sometime yesterday. Not being able to do even basic things for myself is so very difficult.
Monday was my first post-op check, meaning my first time out of the house. I could not wait but didn't really have the energy either. A nurse checked my drains. Yup, still draining. For those that don't know, I have 4 JP drains coming out of my body, 2 on each side. These are tubes (like IV tubing) that connect to clear plastic bulbs, a little bigger than a tennis ball.. We empty them at least twice a day. One of these had barely drained at all after the surgery. She fixed that! Patria and I were both thoroughly impressed at just how much came out from that one in the office (more than 100 cc for my fellow drain gals). It continue to make up for the last time and kept filling throughout the day and is still draining mega amounts compared to the others. I'm a little sad bc the drains don't come out until they essentially stop draining. After the appointment, Patria stopped and picked up bagels for us. Such a short, simple event was so exhausting. I came home and napped for 2 or 3 hours.
It's looking unlikely that any drains will be pulled on Thursday. I definitely cannot drive until they are gone. Not that I'm ready for that, but once they are out, it will be much sooner until I can drive. I think that once I can start doing some of the chauffeuring of Miss Rachel myself, she will be better. She's doing well, but I can see the stress. She and I both need to reclaim a sense of normalcy, possibly even more so than with what we had going on here during chemo. To do that, I need to be doing at least some of the driving.
Another friend, Annette, will be taking me to my next post-op appointment on Thursday. She was my caretaker yesterday. She picked me up in the morning and brought me to her house for the day. Her couch was actually easier to get up from than mine. :) It's an Italian household, quite similar to a traditional Jewish home... so, yes, I ate more yesterday than I had in days.
I do feel a definite change now mentally too. More like myself. A little weepy at times though. It's hard to separate what is what bc I'm also undergoing MAJOR hormonal changes. This is not the same as normal menopause, something you gradually spiral into. This was a sudden, sharp drop. I went under anesthesia with functional ovaries on Sept 12 and 30 minutes later, they were gone forever. I do still have a miniscule amount of estrogen thanks to the bits our body can pull out from fat. In a woman my age, that amounts to maybe a few grains of sand instead of an entire beach. It's the same as any post-menopausal woman has. I lose even that next month when I start the rest of my breast ca treatment with an aromatase inhibitor (AI). I'll take one everyday for at least the next 5 yrs. It's one of the pluses of joining the ranks of post-menopausal women. :P Studies have shown these drugs to be more effective than tamoxifen in keeping those nasty cancer cells from making a comeback. The AIs cannot and should not be used in pre-menopausal women... at least not for this purpose. Infertility docs prescribe them to induce OVULATION! Horrors! LOL!
That's right.
I have lower lashes. They are tiny but they are BLACK and they are mine. The entire lower lid is covered. :)
It's been a rough few days, in all honesty. The week after surgery was more difficult than I expected (I'm sure I've said this already). I quickly recovered to a point in the hospital but did not move far past that until sometime yesterday. Not being able to do even basic things for myself is so very difficult.
Monday was my first post-op check, meaning my first time out of the house. I could not wait but didn't really have the energy either. A nurse checked my drains. Yup, still draining. For those that don't know, I have 4 JP drains coming out of my body, 2 on each side. These are tubes (like IV tubing) that connect to clear plastic bulbs, a little bigger than a tennis ball.. We empty them at least twice a day. One of these had barely drained at all after the surgery. She fixed that! Patria and I were both thoroughly impressed at just how much came out from that one in the office (more than 100 cc for my fellow drain gals). It continue to make up for the last time and kept filling throughout the day and is still draining mega amounts compared to the others. I'm a little sad bc the drains don't come out until they essentially stop draining. After the appointment, Patria stopped and picked up bagels for us. Such a short, simple event was so exhausting. I came home and napped for 2 or 3 hours.
It's looking unlikely that any drains will be pulled on Thursday. I definitely cannot drive until they are gone. Not that I'm ready for that, but once they are out, it will be much sooner until I can drive. I think that once I can start doing some of the chauffeuring of Miss Rachel myself, she will be better. She's doing well, but I can see the stress. She and I both need to reclaim a sense of normalcy, possibly even more so than with what we had going on here during chemo. To do that, I need to be doing at least some of the driving.
Another friend, Annette, will be taking me to my next post-op appointment on Thursday. She was my caretaker yesterday. She picked me up in the morning and brought me to her house for the day. Her couch was actually easier to get up from than mine. :) It's an Italian household, quite similar to a traditional Jewish home... so, yes, I ate more yesterday than I had in days.
I do feel a definite change now mentally too. More like myself. A little weepy at times though. It's hard to separate what is what bc I'm also undergoing MAJOR hormonal changes. This is not the same as normal menopause, something you gradually spiral into. This was a sudden, sharp drop. I went under anesthesia with functional ovaries on Sept 12 and 30 minutes later, they were gone forever. I do still have a miniscule amount of estrogen thanks to the bits our body can pull out from fat. In a woman my age, that amounts to maybe a few grains of sand instead of an entire beach. It's the same as any post-menopausal woman has. I lose even that next month when I start the rest of my breast ca treatment with an aromatase inhibitor (AI). I'll take one everyday for at least the next 5 yrs. It's one of the pluses of joining the ranks of post-menopausal women. :P Studies have shown these drugs to be more effective than tamoxifen in keeping those nasty cancer cells from making a comeback. The AIs cannot and should not be used in pre-menopausal women... at least not for this purpose. Infertility docs prescribe them to induce OVULATION! Horrors! LOL!
Sunday, September 17, 2006
BREAKING NEWS!!!!
I HAVE HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, there's lots more to report since the 12th, but I wanted to start with my hair!!
For someone like me with such pale skin and such dark hair, the chemo-related hair loss has been a loss of color. I've become lighter and lighter, truly ghostlike in appearance. I thought it was over, but the loss picked up again a month after chemo ended. I nearly lost my eyebrows completely but then the tiny new hairs started coming in as the last few hairs held on. The thin appearance wasn't so bad..... at least I didn't have to wax or pluck them. The worst part was the fear of losing them completely. I am so very thankful that I managed to escape needing to create eyebrows. Even if it was only by a day and about 4 or 5 brow hairs.
I lucked out too with my upper lashes. They did not fall out in noticable numbers until they came back in. That was all within the last few days. I went from long upper lashes with some tiny missing spots to short lashes. All in about 3 or 4 days. The lower lashes are a lost cause but I expect to see a return any second now.
I'd been noticing more and more hair on my pillow at night and inside my hats over the last 2 weeks. Not the direction I wanted to be moving in. I had not read about others losing more hair over a month after chemo. I looked in the mirror late last night and noticed COLOR!! ACTUAL COLOR! It's faint, but I can see it! Instead of feeling skin everywhere, I can feel soft fuzz!! Everyone else can too. I made dh and dd feel it this morning too. It's not quite that velvety feeling it had when it was first cut, but it's close. Someday, when I move back into the rest of the house (living in the family room bc it's easier), I'll add pictures. I looked much balder than I had thought on my bday last week. It took the photo to make realize how much more loss I'd had.
This was perfect timing. I'm about 6 weeks from my last chemo but I'm also recovering from a ton of surgery. While I am incredibly relieved to have all 3 (4 if you count the port, 6 if you count each breast) procedures finished, I'm not happy with my physical state. I tend to hold very high expectations of myself with regard to recovery. Expectations that are so high that I cannot possibly meet them and become dissappointed. I'm needing a lot more pain meds than I expected and I'm not getting around as well as I'd like. Everyone keeps saying how great I'm doing, but I'm not seeing it bc I want and expect more. The gift of the return of my hair is a physical sign that recovery, a return to my life, is just around the corner.
Yes, there's lots more to report since the 12th, but I wanted to start with my hair!!
For someone like me with such pale skin and such dark hair, the chemo-related hair loss has been a loss of color. I've become lighter and lighter, truly ghostlike in appearance. I thought it was over, but the loss picked up again a month after chemo ended. I nearly lost my eyebrows completely but then the tiny new hairs started coming in as the last few hairs held on. The thin appearance wasn't so bad..... at least I didn't have to wax or pluck them. The worst part was the fear of losing them completely. I am so very thankful that I managed to escape needing to create eyebrows. Even if it was only by a day and about 4 or 5 brow hairs.
I lucked out too with my upper lashes. They did not fall out in noticable numbers until they came back in. That was all within the last few days. I went from long upper lashes with some tiny missing spots to short lashes. All in about 3 or 4 days. The lower lashes are a lost cause but I expect to see a return any second now.
I'd been noticing more and more hair on my pillow at night and inside my hats over the last 2 weeks. Not the direction I wanted to be moving in. I had not read about others losing more hair over a month after chemo. I looked in the mirror late last night and noticed COLOR!! ACTUAL COLOR! It's faint, but I can see it! Instead of feeling skin everywhere, I can feel soft fuzz!! Everyone else can too. I made dh and dd feel it this morning too. It's not quite that velvety feeling it had when it was first cut, but it's close. Someday, when I move back into the rest of the house (living in the family room bc it's easier), I'll add pictures. I looked much balder than I had thought on my bday last week. It took the photo to make realize how much more loss I'd had.
This was perfect timing. I'm about 6 weeks from my last chemo but I'm also recovering from a ton of surgery. While I am incredibly relieved to have all 3 (4 if you count the port, 6 if you count each breast) procedures finished, I'm not happy with my physical state. I tend to hold very high expectations of myself with regard to recovery. Expectations that are so high that I cannot possibly meet them and become dissappointed. I'm needing a lot more pain meds than I expected and I'm not getting around as well as I'd like. Everyone keeps saying how great I'm doing, but I'm not seeing it bc I want and expect more. The gift of the return of my hair is a physical sign that recovery, a return to my life, is just around the corner.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Sept 12, 2006
Today's the day.
Still feels very surreal. I suppose it won't feel real until I wake up from surgery.
We need to be there at 6 am. Surgery is actually scheduled for 7:30am. I still expect to be done around lunch time... whenever that is. LOL
Just going to have to deal with the bald head and the bizarro eyebrows. They are now growing in while they are still falling out. Looked better, I think, as one or the other! Not both. Oh well. There are little tiny hairs in the portion of each eyebrow closest to the nose. This is a weird stage. I need to shave my legs every 2 or 3 days, don't need to shave my underarms at all and three are maybe three tiny new hairs on my head, but that hair has thinned MORE over the last 2 weeks. Still, it's all good. All signs that everything is coming back... or starting over. The latter is more apropo.
As my friend Kim said, here's to eyebrow waxing, mascara, blow dryers and great big round brushes, curling irons, shaving my legs, menopause (I added that one), NO MORE UNDERWIRES!!!!!!, no more birth control of any sort, cute little bras in every color with matching panties, a top and a bottom that match in size, and no more cancer ever!
Still feels very surreal. I suppose it won't feel real until I wake up from surgery.
We need to be there at 6 am. Surgery is actually scheduled for 7:30am. I still expect to be done around lunch time... whenever that is. LOL
Just going to have to deal with the bald head and the bizarro eyebrows. They are now growing in while they are still falling out. Looked better, I think, as one or the other! Not both. Oh well. There are little tiny hairs in the portion of each eyebrow closest to the nose. This is a weird stage. I need to shave my legs every 2 or 3 days, don't need to shave my underarms at all and three are maybe three tiny new hairs on my head, but that hair has thinned MORE over the last 2 weeks. Still, it's all good. All signs that everything is coming back... or starting over. The latter is more apropo.
As my friend Kim said, here's to eyebrow waxing, mascara, blow dryers and great big round brushes, curling irons, shaving my legs, menopause (I added that one), NO MORE UNDERWIRES!!!!!!, no more birth control of any sort, cute little bras in every color with matching panties, a top and a bottom that match in size, and no more cancer ever!
Monday, September 11, 2006
9/11/01 Where were you when you heard the world had changed?
I was sitting right where I am now. I was checking my email once last time before I left for work. Then, the phone rang. An online scrapping friend was calling to tell me that a plane had just flown into the WTC. I quickly hung up the phone, put on the TV and dialed dh's number at work. Dh's phone never rang. There was no busy signal. There was no all circuits are busy sound either. There was only silence. I tried it again to be sure. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I called his cell phone and left a long message. I called my office and told them I might be late. The WTC had been hit by a plane and I was waiting to hear a "hello" from dh before I left. I was sure he'd call any second. Then, in the midst of these calls, I watched the second plane hit live.
We have both DirecTV and a big satellite dish. I set every TV in the house on different stations and set the big dish to get live news feeds. I ran from room to room. I just needed to see people leaving the buildings. Dh did not work on a high floor. I knew that if people were leaving the buildings, then he would be OK. I can feel the stress building as I write this now. No one was showing footage of people leaving the buildings. All they were showing, over and over again were the planes hitting the towers, the fires, etc. Not even the live feeds showed people leaving the buildings. It was quite some time until they showed people.
My sister was in Alaska, about to leave on a cruise. She called to see if dh was OK bc she wasn't going to go otherwise. She used the word "widow." She wasn't going to go if her sister (me) was a widow. Hated that. Makes me tear up all over again thinking about it. My SIL came over. She too made me scared bc I was confident my dh was coming home to me in one piece. She was so scared, she started throwing up in the bathroom. I couldn't deal with that. I was glad not to be alone, but I needed optimism. I am an optomist at heart. Always. Thinking of the opposite was unbearable.
In the meantime, my mother was getting calls from friends, including my friends, asking about my dh. Mom told them he must be OK bc I didn't call her and that's the first thing I would have done if I was worried. Well, the truth is we didn't have call waiting and I wasn't going to chance dh getting a busy signal. I wanted to call her, but couldn't.
Finally, the agony was ended. My mother called over 2 hours later. SHE had a call from my dh. He thought I would be at work and wouldn't be home. He thought I wouldn't even know what had happened. He was on a train headed HOME! He had left the building after the first plane hit (was told to go back in, did so and went out another exit where there were no firemen or police yet) and was standing under the glass overhang of the Millennium Hotel when the second plane hit. Close enough to see the scratches on the windows. He had to borrow a phone on the train bc he left his cell phone in the building. (When he did get a new phone---thank you Sprint for sending a new one overnight after we called--- my voicemail was waiting for him. You can tell when the second plane probably hit.. it was cut off suddenly).
The train he was on never should have left NYC that morning. We figured out later it was the 9:37. It left after the trains, buses, bridges and tunnels were closed. There's more too.. every subway and train he was on went directly where he needed to go. Every connection was there waiting for him. It was the fastest commute he has ever had. He came home and truly, he did not really know the extent of what happened. We went out to lunch. It felt so strange.. kept looking around and wondering if everyone else kew the world had changed or not. Fighter planes flew over our heads several times. We picked dd up from pre-K. The teachers were amazed and shocked to see dh. Sadly, the nephew of one of the pre-K teachers never came home that day. He never called either.
It was 2 full days until dh understood that the buildings were gone. He left before the collapse. He heard about it on the train but assumed that it was just the top of the building. It wasn't until his manager called and talked about returning to the building that I had to stop him and show him what was going on. They had been working non-stop to re-program the worldwide trading computers (I probably said that wrong) and did not know. It amazed me that they were right there but did not know.
I know life has returned to normal when I don't take the time to listen to dh breathe at night. I spent every night afterwards for months just listening. I started it while watching the continuous local coverage of people searching for their loved ones. Because I knew just easily it could have been me, I felt obligated to watch each and every person on camera looking for a loved one. When I'm reminded of this day late at night, I still stay awake and just listen to dh breathing.
We have both DirecTV and a big satellite dish. I set every TV in the house on different stations and set the big dish to get live news feeds. I ran from room to room. I just needed to see people leaving the buildings. Dh did not work on a high floor. I knew that if people were leaving the buildings, then he would be OK. I can feel the stress building as I write this now. No one was showing footage of people leaving the buildings. All they were showing, over and over again were the planes hitting the towers, the fires, etc. Not even the live feeds showed people leaving the buildings. It was quite some time until they showed people.
My sister was in Alaska, about to leave on a cruise. She called to see if dh was OK bc she wasn't going to go otherwise. She used the word "widow." She wasn't going to go if her sister (me) was a widow. Hated that. Makes me tear up all over again thinking about it. My SIL came over. She too made me scared bc I was confident my dh was coming home to me in one piece. She was so scared, she started throwing up in the bathroom. I couldn't deal with that. I was glad not to be alone, but I needed optimism. I am an optomist at heart. Always. Thinking of the opposite was unbearable.
In the meantime, my mother was getting calls from friends, including my friends, asking about my dh. Mom told them he must be OK bc I didn't call her and that's the first thing I would have done if I was worried. Well, the truth is we didn't have call waiting and I wasn't going to chance dh getting a busy signal. I wanted to call her, but couldn't.
Finally, the agony was ended. My mother called over 2 hours later. SHE had a call from my dh. He thought I would be at work and wouldn't be home. He thought I wouldn't even know what had happened. He was on a train headed HOME! He had left the building after the first plane hit (was told to go back in, did so and went out another exit where there were no firemen or police yet) and was standing under the glass overhang of the Millennium Hotel when the second plane hit. Close enough to see the scratches on the windows. He had to borrow a phone on the train bc he left his cell phone in the building. (When he did get a new phone---thank you Sprint for sending a new one overnight after we called--- my voicemail was waiting for him. You can tell when the second plane probably hit.. it was cut off suddenly).
The train he was on never should have left NYC that morning. We figured out later it was the 9:37. It left after the trains, buses, bridges and tunnels were closed. There's more too.. every subway and train he was on went directly where he needed to go. Every connection was there waiting for him. It was the fastest commute he has ever had. He came home and truly, he did not really know the extent of what happened. We went out to lunch. It felt so strange.. kept looking around and wondering if everyone else kew the world had changed or not. Fighter planes flew over our heads several times. We picked dd up from pre-K. The teachers were amazed and shocked to see dh. Sadly, the nephew of one of the pre-K teachers never came home that day. He never called either.
It was 2 full days until dh understood that the buildings were gone. He left before the collapse. He heard about it on the train but assumed that it was just the top of the building. It wasn't until his manager called and talked about returning to the building that I had to stop him and show him what was going on. They had been working non-stop to re-program the worldwide trading computers (I probably said that wrong) and did not know. It amazed me that they were right there but did not know.
I know life has returned to normal when I don't take the time to listen to dh breathe at night. I spent every night afterwards for months just listening. I started it while watching the continuous local coverage of people searching for their loved ones. Because I knew just easily it could have been me, I felt obligated to watch each and every person on camera looking for a loved one. When I'm reminded of this day late at night, I still stay awake and just listen to dh breathing.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
A random thought
Something I just realized while getting dressed this morning.
After today, I will only put on a big, heavy duty underwire bra twice more in my life. Monday and then Tuesday morning. That's it. I can toss or give away ALL my bras. No more 38 DD $50 and up Wacoal bras. Wow. It's all so strange.
btw, the date on the last entry is wrong. It's probably because I loaded that photo into a "draft" on blogger a week before.
After today, I will only put on a big, heavy duty underwire bra twice more in my life. Monday and then Tuesday morning. That's it. I can toss or give away ALL my bras. No more 38 DD $50 and up Wacoal bras. Wow. It's all so strange.
btw, the date on the last entry is wrong. It's probably because I loaded that photo into a "draft" on blogger a week before.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
In honor of today's shuttle launch
Space Shuttle Commander RachelPhoto taken at Space Camp Graduation- 8/25/06
When I came home from work this morning at 7:30am, the NASA station was already on. We all watched every last detail of today's launch. TIVO-ed it too. Rachel had such a blast at Space Camp, learned so much and developed a huge interest in the space program. For her first shuttle mission, she was Flight Engineer 2 and performed research experiments on board the simulator. For their final mission at the end of the week, she was the mission commander. She successfully landed the shuttle on the runway... the second time that is! The first time, she landed it in the ocean, but was given a second chance. She's quick to point out that the shuttle is equipped for emergency water landings and everyone would have been just fine. LOL! She's planning to be the first ballerina to dance on the moon... or maybe Mars.
Lots of things to update you on... but lots to do around this house too! Surgery is *THIS* Tuesday, Sept 12 at 7 am. I should be back home on the 14th. Hoping to get a chance to update before then. I do need to share my latest in my hair loss saga, my bday, my tickets to the Martha Stewart special show for breast cancer survivors, and more.
It's not over until it's over
So, it's what... 5 weeks since my last chemo.
I am feeling SOOOOO much better! I don't have all my energy back, but I feel essentially normal. A few little things still going on, but I actually can forget this happened until I catch a glimpse of my nearly bald head in the mirror or if I see my shadow. I forget that strange, unfamiliar shadow actually belongs to me.
Then, there's a morning like this one.
My scalp was a little sore last night. Reminded me a little of when my hair fell out. I wore a turban yesterday. Didn't leave the house (I usually wear my wig out) and it was a chilly day (relatively speaking). I put it back on this morning and took it off before my shower. I noticed a collection of little hairs scattered in it. I can't decide if they are from before (haven't worn the turban since late June) or if they are new. I do have a few little tiny new hairs on my head (very tiny and very few), but today's happenings make me think that they might be new. :(
Worse.
Much worse.
I noticed how uneven my eyebrows are today. I know I lost a few more over the last few days and a few more this morning. Neither looks terrible in my opinion, but they do have different shapes. I did try to make them a little more even and then stopped cold.
WHERE ARE MY EYELASHES?????????
THEY WERE THERE BEFORE and now they are not.
Honestly, I did think there are a few missing a while ago. Just a few. I had to look very closely to tell that and was just guessing. But, now it's the reverse. There are very few left on my lower lids at all. Not really enough to put mascara on!!! There are so few that I can actually count them. I am not pleased. Not at all. I thought this was over. I'm supposed to be in the regrowth phase.
I guess I can do the eyeliner trick. You wear eyeliner and it makes it so your eyes don't get totally lost in your face. Not a huge fan of wearing make up. Especially with this horrendously dry skin that remains from chemo. Make up doesn't work well with being on call at night (in and out of bed) and won't work well at all with surgery. Chances are, I'm just not going to do it.
Please send rapid hair growth thoughts my way!!! I want my eyelashes back. If the eyebrows stay as is, I won't complain. I just want my eyelashes. And my hair. Especially my hair.
I am feeling SOOOOO much better! I don't have all my energy back, but I feel essentially normal. A few little things still going on, but I actually can forget this happened until I catch a glimpse of my nearly bald head in the mirror or if I see my shadow. I forget that strange, unfamiliar shadow actually belongs to me.
Then, there's a morning like this one.
My scalp was a little sore last night. Reminded me a little of when my hair fell out. I wore a turban yesterday. Didn't leave the house (I usually wear my wig out) and it was a chilly day (relatively speaking). I put it back on this morning and took it off before my shower. I noticed a collection of little hairs scattered in it. I can't decide if they are from before (haven't worn the turban since late June) or if they are new. I do have a few little tiny new hairs on my head (very tiny and very few), but today's happenings make me think that they might be new. :(
Worse.
Much worse.
I noticed how uneven my eyebrows are today. I know I lost a few more over the last few days and a few more this morning. Neither looks terrible in my opinion, but they do have different shapes. I did try to make them a little more even and then stopped cold.
WHERE ARE MY EYELASHES?????????
THEY WERE THERE BEFORE and now they are not.
Honestly, I did think there are a few missing a while ago. Just a few. I had to look very closely to tell that and was just guessing. But, now it's the reverse. There are very few left on my lower lids at all. Not really enough to put mascara on!!! There are so few that I can actually count them. I am not pleased. Not at all. I thought this was over. I'm supposed to be in the regrowth phase.
I guess I can do the eyeliner trick. You wear eyeliner and it makes it so your eyes don't get totally lost in your face. Not a huge fan of wearing make up. Especially with this horrendously dry skin that remains from chemo. Make up doesn't work well with being on call at night (in and out of bed) and won't work well at all with surgery. Chances are, I'm just not going to do it.
Please send rapid hair growth thoughts my way!!! I want my eyelashes back. If the eyebrows stay as is, I won't complain. I just want my eyelashes. And my hair. Especially my hair.
Friday, September 01, 2006
I've been ignoring you
and just about everything else too, especially cancer related things.
It might be a step back into denial, but it's also a step into reclaiming my non-cancer related life, albeit temporarily.
Since I lasted posted, we've been on vacation and I've returned to work. We've also picked a new dance school for Rachel (a lengthy process.. took all summer bc I wasn't up to visiting them and she was at dance camp and then the summer intensive program at her old school). I had my pre-op appointment for my soon-to-be-eliminated ovaries and tubes. I've pulled away from reading the various cancer message boards and my support groups on a very regular basis and even delayed returning emails from my cancer-related buddies (I owe several of you emails still, I know!). I've dropped the number of daily meds down to a dull roar. I'm down to my basic three for allergies and asthma plus Pepcid for the acid reflux. That's improving too, a month post-chemo, and I don't need it as much anymore.
I'm starting to get ready for the upcoming surgeries bit by bit. Bought a pair of Karen Neuberger PJs (capri length bottoms so I don't have to hem them. LOL). Found a way for Rachel to get to and from her 3x a week ballet lessons. Even went to Super Suppers http://www.supersuppers.com last night and made a bunch of dinners (birthday present from my sister). The freezer is now completely packed. Not a bit of space in there at all.
I've been slllooowwwlllyyyy workingn on getting the house in order. I'm at the stage where it looks worse now than it did when I started but there are a few big bags of trash so once things go back together, it will be better. It has to be, right? LOL. Rachel and I have made some headway in the playroom this morning. My SIL and BIL are coming to pick up the baby furniture this weekend, including the dresser Rachel's been using to store her dress up clothing. We've been through all of it, except the hats, and have cut way back on what she's keeping. She's 9. I'm guessing dress up will be ending sometime soon. We packed up things that are too small for a friend's 4 yr old and put away some things for my niece for when she's older. I think we made significant progress going from an entire dresser to a small canvas cube.
The other thing I wasted/spent my morning on was getting pictures printed. I'm not only horrendously behind in scrapping but in printing photos. I found this site today http://www.vistaprint.com/frf?frf=485870693770 via someone else's recommendation (you get a discount if you order via that link and I get a few more free prints). The prints are 10 cents a piece for 4x6. First 30 are free. I think 5x7 were 19 cents. Shipping was a bit high but then again, I ordered over 300 prints. It still worked out to an average of under 15 cents a print, including the 5x7s and that's with priority shipping. Aside from the card in my camera now (which has everything from July and August), I'm now caught up in printing, except for the enlargements and odd sizes that I do at home for layouts.
And on the cancer-related front, I found a few tiny little stubbles on my head. Very tiny and very few, but it's a start.
Pictures to follow (Alabama, Rachel at Space Camp, the progress of my hair growth or lack there of) .... eventually!
It might be a step back into denial, but it's also a step into reclaiming my non-cancer related life, albeit temporarily.
Since I lasted posted, we've been on vacation and I've returned to work. We've also picked a new dance school for Rachel (a lengthy process.. took all summer bc I wasn't up to visiting them and she was at dance camp and then the summer intensive program at her old school). I had my pre-op appointment for my soon-to-be-eliminated ovaries and tubes. I've pulled away from reading the various cancer message boards and my support groups on a very regular basis and even delayed returning emails from my cancer-related buddies (I owe several of you emails still, I know!). I've dropped the number of daily meds down to a dull roar. I'm down to my basic three for allergies and asthma plus Pepcid for the acid reflux. That's improving too, a month post-chemo, and I don't need it as much anymore.
I'm starting to get ready for the upcoming surgeries bit by bit. Bought a pair of Karen Neuberger PJs (capri length bottoms so I don't have to hem them. LOL). Found a way for Rachel to get to and from her 3x a week ballet lessons. Even went to Super Suppers http://www.supersuppers.com last night and made a bunch of dinners (birthday present from my sister). The freezer is now completely packed. Not a bit of space in there at all.
I've been slllooowwwlllyyyy workingn on getting the house in order. I'm at the stage where it looks worse now than it did when I started but there are a few big bags of trash so once things go back together, it will be better. It has to be, right? LOL. Rachel and I have made some headway in the playroom this morning. My SIL and BIL are coming to pick up the baby furniture this weekend, including the dresser Rachel's been using to store her dress up clothing. We've been through all of it, except the hats, and have cut way back on what she's keeping. She's 9. I'm guessing dress up will be ending sometime soon. We packed up things that are too small for a friend's 4 yr old and put away some things for my niece for when she's older. I think we made significant progress going from an entire dresser to a small canvas cube.
The other thing I wasted/spent my morning on was getting pictures printed. I'm not only horrendously behind in scrapping but in printing photos. I found this site today http://www.vistaprint.com/frf?frf=485870693770 via someone else's recommendation (you get a discount if you order via that link and I get a few more free prints). The prints are 10 cents a piece for 4x6. First 30 are free. I think 5x7 were 19 cents. Shipping was a bit high but then again, I ordered over 300 prints. It still worked out to an average of under 15 cents a print, including the 5x7s and that's with priority shipping. Aside from the card in my camera now (which has everything from July and August), I'm now caught up in printing, except for the enlargements and odd sizes that I do at home for layouts.
And on the cancer-related front, I found a few tiny little stubbles on my head. Very tiny and very few, but it's a start.
Pictures to follow (Alabama, Rachel at Space Camp, the progress of my hair growth or lack there of) .... eventually!
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