I just had to show you how much it's grown. It's so true how chemo affects your hair. It's just never the same afterwards. In fact, I think it looks much more like Rachel's color than my former color.
:p
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Monday, October 30, 2006
Like watching grass grow
It may be slow, but it's growing!
I just had to show you how much it's grown. It's so true how chemo affects your hair. It's just never the same afterwards. In fact, I think it looks much more like Rachel's color than my former color.
:p
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
I just had to show you how much it's grown. It's so true how chemo affects your hair. It's just never the same afterwards. In fact, I think it looks much more like Rachel's color than my former color.
:p
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Wedding Pictures!
I know some wanted to see what I ended up in for my Dad's wedding 2 weeks ago, so here are a few. I handed my camera off just twice, so this is it. They are all unedited. If I took the time to edit them at all, they'd never get up here! Fortunately, the paid photographer took plenty of each and every grouping, rearranging people and furniture along the way. I'm looking forward to seeing those proofs, especially the portrait we had done of just us three "kids" (my sister, my brother and I).
Arlene's sister took the ones of Rachel and I. She must be another shutterbug at heart bc she took several and turned the camera to get different views. Love her already! I guess she's my step-aunt? At Rachel's request, I'm going to share two of them so you can see the lower half of our outfits. [edit: I can't seem to get the better shot loaded, but you couldn't see our skirts in that one anyway!]
Here's the family. This is my MIL, dh, Rachel and myself. I handed the camera to my brother for this set. They took several of just the three of us and several with MIL too, but this the only one my brother snapped. While he might have inherited that from my parents (or perhaps he didn't want to get in the way of the real photographers), fortunately he did not inherit their total inability to take a photo. :)
Arlene's sister took the ones of Rachel and I. She must be another shutterbug at heart bc she took several and turned the camera to get different views. Love her already! I guess she's my step-aunt? At Rachel's request, I'm going to share two of them so you can see the lower half of our outfits. [edit: I can't seem to get the better shot loaded, but you couldn't see our skirts in that one anyway!]
Here's the family. This is my MIL, dh, Rachel and myself. I handed the camera to my brother for this set. They took several of just the three of us and several with MIL too, but this the only one my brother snapped. While he might have inherited that from my parents (or perhaps he didn't want to get in the way of the real photographers), fortunately he did not inherit their total inability to take a photo. :)
And yes, I'm actually wearing makeup. I'm sure I'm a little flushed and that's not too much blush!
BTW, I just can't help but point out that my bricks.. um expanders... are only a teeny tiny bit larger in these photos than my actual implants will be in 3 months. That velvet jacket is a good two sizes smaller than I would have needed a few months ago. Even with my weight gain. I'll actually be smaller bc I'm still quite swollen on the sides in these photos. Of course, I'm still quite swollen on the sides at the present time too, but you can't see me. At least I hope not. LOL
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Bye Bye Pink
As October rolls to a close, so does breast cancer awareness month.
The significance of this month has changed dramatically for me. I'm actually glad to see it go.
One would think it would be great and wonderful. All this pink support everwhere!
The reality is quite different. Don't get me wrong. There's an awful lot to be said about raising money for breast cancer (and all cancer) research and support. Enough cannot be said for anything that gets women to pay attention to their breasts and to get mammograms. Early detection is the key to survival. It's like the pap test. Before the 1960's, cervical cancer was the number one cancer-related cause of death for women. We've come so far.. pap tests were designed to detect cancer. Today, we use them mostly to find pre-cancerous conditions and now we have a vaccine that will prevent most cases of cervical cancer. We do need to get to a similar point with breast cancer. And I believe we will. It's just that there's an underside to all of this that you might not see until you walk on the other side.
Point 1- This is coming too late in the month already, but it's an important point. Think before you pink. http://www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org So many retailers jump on the pink bandwagon at this time of year. Not all of this pink is raising money for anything other than those selling the product. Even some of those that are raising money are not giving much and spending more on marketing their pink product than they are spending on the charity in the first place. http://www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org/Pages/CriticalQuestions.html Yes, it does make us feel good. I remember seeing socks with a pink awareness ribbon on them while shopping in Walmart a few days after I got the notice about my mammogram. While I was busy convincing myself that everyone has abnormal mammos (and they do eventually), I still picked up those socks. I even wear them. It made me feel good to support those whose mammos really were bad... not believing that *I* was one of them. Of course, if you are going to buy that bag of M+Ms anyway, go ahead and make it a pink bag! :)
[an aside.. or maybe not... I just remembered that my all-time favorite, best fitting bra was the Susan Komen foundation bra from Wacoal. I loved that bra. I still have them in my drawer. Nothing defied gravity and fit as well as that bra. I'm glad a dollar ot two went to help, but I would have bought that bra if it had cost $100 and no money went to any charity!]
Point 2- This month is about awareness. I need to remember that. I need to remember that it is not about me. I have never, ever, ever in my whole been as aware of breast cancer as I am at this moment. Not when I gave someone the news that her mammo was abnormal and she needed to see a surgeon for a biopsy. I've done that several times. Not when I examined a woman and knew in my heart what I was feeling was a cancer. Not even when my own family members had it. Not when our friend Judy lost her life. The difference is this. While I was acutely aware at the moment, the hour, the week, I could still turn around and lead my normal life. I could move past it. I could forget about breast cancer that night or the next week. I would be reminded later, but it was different. Breast cancer is now my life. It's part of every little thing I do. I loved those 2 weeks after I recovered from chemo, before my surgery. I finally had energy and was busy running around. I felt normal. Except it wasn't normal. As much as I was "moving on," the last bits of my hair were falling out and I had major surgery on the horizon. It was still part of me. I still had to pull on a wig or a hat if I went outside. I'm aware when I reach for the phone too quickly bc it HURTS! LOL. I'm aware everytime I move my arms or try to lay down. I am all too aware everyday. Yes, I'm still in treatment/recovery, so it is a more intense awareness. I know I will move on, and after a while, I won't have to think about it everyday. Looking forward to that.
This is not to say that I don't forget for whole minutes and even an hour or two at a time. Just last week, I was driving to physical therapy (something I do bc of the surgery I had bc of breast cancer). As I walked into the gym, I was feeling pretty dern good. This is part of reclaiming my life. I am going to get my range of motion back in both arms (but not my chest :() and I am going to build up my strength and endurance. I am moving on from breast cancer. Then, as I walked in the door, I was surrounded by a sea of pink. It took my breath away and, in all honesty, I wanted to cry. I didn't want to be reminded of the truth. I wanted to be walking into the gym like everyone else. But, do remember I said I need to remember this is not all about ME! It's about making sure that all women are aware and do what they need to do to find something like this as soon as possible. It means SBEs and mammos. It means NOT being quiet. It means making sure that everyone understands this could happen to them. It means reminding people that 80-90% of breast cancer does NOT involve family history. And, it means reminding people that this is not just a disease of the post-menopausal women. It happens to us younger fertile types too.
While I'm on the topic and while I'm thinking about someone else I know who needs to hear this....
I need to remember that we, the survivors, we are everywhere. I am headed to a party this afternoon. It's a party for about 25 kids. Three of us moms who will be there are premenopausal breast cancer survivors- 5 months, 3 years and 10 years. When I go back to work in December, I will see the nurse that gave me her extra wigs. I'll see another that told me what radiation was like bc she did it herself a few years ago. I'll see the anesthesiologist who had the same surgeries I had (all of them) bc she shares the same genetic issue I have. And that's just the night maternity crew at a community hospital. When I learned I had chemo, I played a game "spot the bald woman." I just didn't want to feel so alone. I wanted to see other women going about life and dealing with chemo. The first day I played the game, I found 2 women at 10 am in the supermarket. I realize now that there may very well have been more. In a room full of survivors last month (at Martha) no one realized I was wearing a wig until I asked questions of the women whose hair was growing back. Most didn't know until I took my wig off. Know that we are all around, everywhere. We're just not always easy to spot!
So goodbye to pink, but not goodbye to awareness.
And be aware that we are everywhere.
One in 8. That's not a small number.
The significance of this month has changed dramatically for me. I'm actually glad to see it go.
One would think it would be great and wonderful. All this pink support everwhere!
The reality is quite different. Don't get me wrong. There's an awful lot to be said about raising money for breast cancer (and all cancer) research and support. Enough cannot be said for anything that gets women to pay attention to their breasts and to get mammograms. Early detection is the key to survival. It's like the pap test. Before the 1960's, cervical cancer was the number one cancer-related cause of death for women. We've come so far.. pap tests were designed to detect cancer. Today, we use them mostly to find pre-cancerous conditions and now we have a vaccine that will prevent most cases of cervical cancer. We do need to get to a similar point with breast cancer. And I believe we will. It's just that there's an underside to all of this that you might not see until you walk on the other side.
Point 1- This is coming too late in the month already, but it's an important point. Think before you pink. http://www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org So many retailers jump on the pink bandwagon at this time of year. Not all of this pink is raising money for anything other than those selling the product. Even some of those that are raising money are not giving much and spending more on marketing their pink product than they are spending on the charity in the first place. http://www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org/Pages/CriticalQuestions.html Yes, it does make us feel good. I remember seeing socks with a pink awareness ribbon on them while shopping in Walmart a few days after I got the notice about my mammogram. While I was busy convincing myself that everyone has abnormal mammos (and they do eventually), I still picked up those socks. I even wear them. It made me feel good to support those whose mammos really were bad... not believing that *I* was one of them. Of course, if you are going to buy that bag of M+Ms anyway, go ahead and make it a pink bag! :)
[an aside.. or maybe not... I just remembered that my all-time favorite, best fitting bra was the Susan Komen foundation bra from Wacoal. I loved that bra. I still have them in my drawer. Nothing defied gravity and fit as well as that bra. I'm glad a dollar ot two went to help, but I would have bought that bra if it had cost $100 and no money went to any charity!]
Point 2- This month is about awareness. I need to remember that. I need to remember that it is not about me. I have never, ever, ever in my whole been as aware of breast cancer as I am at this moment. Not when I gave someone the news that her mammo was abnormal and she needed to see a surgeon for a biopsy. I've done that several times. Not when I examined a woman and knew in my heart what I was feeling was a cancer. Not even when my own family members had it. Not when our friend Judy lost her life. The difference is this. While I was acutely aware at the moment, the hour, the week, I could still turn around and lead my normal life. I could move past it. I could forget about breast cancer that night or the next week. I would be reminded later, but it was different. Breast cancer is now my life. It's part of every little thing I do. I loved those 2 weeks after I recovered from chemo, before my surgery. I finally had energy and was busy running around. I felt normal. Except it wasn't normal. As much as I was "moving on," the last bits of my hair were falling out and I had major surgery on the horizon. It was still part of me. I still had to pull on a wig or a hat if I went outside. I'm aware when I reach for the phone too quickly bc it HURTS! LOL. I'm aware everytime I move my arms or try to lay down. I am all too aware everyday. Yes, I'm still in treatment/recovery, so it is a more intense awareness. I know I will move on, and after a while, I won't have to think about it everyday. Looking forward to that.
This is not to say that I don't forget for whole minutes and even an hour or two at a time. Just last week, I was driving to physical therapy (something I do bc of the surgery I had bc of breast cancer). As I walked into the gym, I was feeling pretty dern good. This is part of reclaiming my life. I am going to get my range of motion back in both arms (but not my chest :() and I am going to build up my strength and endurance. I am moving on from breast cancer. Then, as I walked in the door, I was surrounded by a sea of pink. It took my breath away and, in all honesty, I wanted to cry. I didn't want to be reminded of the truth. I wanted to be walking into the gym like everyone else. But, do remember I said I need to remember this is not all about ME! It's about making sure that all women are aware and do what they need to do to find something like this as soon as possible. It means SBEs and mammos. It means NOT being quiet. It means making sure that everyone understands this could happen to them. It means reminding people that 80-90% of breast cancer does NOT involve family history. And, it means reminding people that this is not just a disease of the post-menopausal women. It happens to us younger fertile types too.
While I'm on the topic and while I'm thinking about someone else I know who needs to hear this....
I need to remember that we, the survivors, we are everywhere. I am headed to a party this afternoon. It's a party for about 25 kids. Three of us moms who will be there are premenopausal breast cancer survivors- 5 months, 3 years and 10 years. When I go back to work in December, I will see the nurse that gave me her extra wigs. I'll see another that told me what radiation was like bc she did it herself a few years ago. I'll see the anesthesiologist who had the same surgeries I had (all of them) bc she shares the same genetic issue I have. And that's just the night maternity crew at a community hospital. When I learned I had chemo, I played a game "spot the bald woman." I just didn't want to feel so alone. I wanted to see other women going about life and dealing with chemo. The first day I played the game, I found 2 women at 10 am in the supermarket. I realize now that there may very well have been more. In a room full of survivors last month (at Martha) no one realized I was wearing a wig until I asked questions of the women whose hair was growing back. Most didn't know until I took my wig off. Know that we are all around, everywhere. We're just not always easy to spot!
So goodbye to pink, but not goodbye to awareness.
And be aware that we are everywhere.
One in 8. That's not a small number.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Great site
This site was posted on YSC today.
http://www.circusofcancer.org/index.html
Great site for others to get some insight into what to do and even say/not say when a friend or loved one is diagnosed.
http://www.circusofcancer.org/index.html
Great site for others to get some insight into what to do and even say/not say when a friend or loved one is diagnosed.
A little catch up
I did try to post earlier in the week, but blogger and/or cyberspace ate that post.
I started physical therapy this week. I actually asked for it myself. While I do have a decent range of motion for being about 6 weeks out from this surgery, it's not enough. You already all know that I'm not patient when it comes to recovery! LOL. I've been twice so far. The first day was mostly an evaluation. That was a good thing because it showed me how far I still need to go and she taught me several exercises to work on stretching the muscles involved without putting too much pressure on them. The second session was even better. We went over a few of the previous exercises (noting improvement already in some of them! yay me!) and she addressed my concerns about exercise. I have barely exercised at all since June. I did a bit in June when chemo started, but once I got sick in July, it all came to an end. I had slowed down before that anyway just because I wanted to save my energy for taking care of Rachel and going out as a family, etc. Anyway, I started doing cardio on the recumbant bike (not allowed to use the upright and not allowed to run or do fast walking type stuff). We also worked on some abdominal exercises that I can do without using my upper body. I have a work-out again! Not going to be burning the calories like I did before, but it is a start. I'm down 2 lbs and it's not even a full week. Gotta' lost this post-chemo weight. Can't call it chemo weight bc it didn't appear until after I finished chemo.
On other fronts, we are a week away from the NYC Marathon. Dh is running again this year. Very excited for him! He's in better shape and I think better trained than he's been for any of the previous marathons. I think he's worked out some issues he's had in the past and should do quite well. I'm just bummed that I may not be able to go. Rachel has Nutcracker rehearsals on Saturday AND Sunday next weekend. Still debating how to handle it all bc I really want to pick him up at the finish. Plus, we had planned to stay at a hotel near one of the bus pick-ups to get the runners to the start. I was going to drive him early in the am and then head into the city with Rachel to watch him. So, we still need to figure out how he's getting to the start and getting home.
That was a major stressor for me this week on top of the insurance issues. Yes. Once again, it is time for the annual changing of the insurance company. A TREMENDOUS issue this year bc I am in the middle of the reconstruction process. My plastic surgeon does not participate in any plans. The local guys that do participate cannot provide the silicone "gummy bear" style implants I have chosen. Fortunately, my medical oncologist, my internist, my breast surgeon and my gynecologic oncologist are all in network in one of the plans. If they approve the plastic surgeon, we can actually go with the network only choice. Of course, we don't find that out until after choices need to be made. If they don't approve him, then it will cost us some big bucks. Very big bucks. It felt like a return to the beginning when I was spending more time fighting with insurance companies than I was fighting my disease.
I started Arimidex this month. This is my anti-estrogen cancer fighting drug that I'll be taking at least for the next 5 years. I've been on it for over a week now and so far, so good. Not noticing any side effects. It's a drug only given to post-menopausal women. I am one of those now, seeing as I no longer have ovaries. The ovaries are not the only source of estrogen in the body. There's smaller amounts produced peripherally. Arimidex is a member of the aromatose inhibitor class of drugs and it stops that production. So, some women get hot flashes on it... none so far. There are other annoying side effects too, but I haven't seen them yet. I spoke with one of the other Moms at school. She's been on it for 3 yrs without any side effects. Love to hear those sorts of things!
Yup.. more pics still coming eventually.
You should see my hair!!! It's back to about where it was when I had it all chopped off in anticipation of the chemo loss. It's maybe 1/4 of an inch to 1/ of an inch. Fully covers my cold head. Not pleased with the amount of gray, but it's not too bad either. The axillary hair is a royal PIA (pain in the arm) bc I still have no feeling there. Finally got a good shave because I had Rachel hold a mirror so I could watch what I was doing. So glad it is not summer!
I started physical therapy this week. I actually asked for it myself. While I do have a decent range of motion for being about 6 weeks out from this surgery, it's not enough. You already all know that I'm not patient when it comes to recovery! LOL. I've been twice so far. The first day was mostly an evaluation. That was a good thing because it showed me how far I still need to go and she taught me several exercises to work on stretching the muscles involved without putting too much pressure on them. The second session was even better. We went over a few of the previous exercises (noting improvement already in some of them! yay me!) and she addressed my concerns about exercise. I have barely exercised at all since June. I did a bit in June when chemo started, but once I got sick in July, it all came to an end. I had slowed down before that anyway just because I wanted to save my energy for taking care of Rachel and going out as a family, etc. Anyway, I started doing cardio on the recumbant bike (not allowed to use the upright and not allowed to run or do fast walking type stuff). We also worked on some abdominal exercises that I can do without using my upper body. I have a work-out again! Not going to be burning the calories like I did before, but it is a start. I'm down 2 lbs and it's not even a full week. Gotta' lost this post-chemo weight. Can't call it chemo weight bc it didn't appear until after I finished chemo.
On other fronts, we are a week away from the NYC Marathon. Dh is running again this year. Very excited for him! He's in better shape and I think better trained than he's been for any of the previous marathons. I think he's worked out some issues he's had in the past and should do quite well. I'm just bummed that I may not be able to go. Rachel has Nutcracker rehearsals on Saturday AND Sunday next weekend. Still debating how to handle it all bc I really want to pick him up at the finish. Plus, we had planned to stay at a hotel near one of the bus pick-ups to get the runners to the start. I was going to drive him early in the am and then head into the city with Rachel to watch him. So, we still need to figure out how he's getting to the start and getting home.
That was a major stressor for me this week on top of the insurance issues. Yes. Once again, it is time for the annual changing of the insurance company. A TREMENDOUS issue this year bc I am in the middle of the reconstruction process. My plastic surgeon does not participate in any plans. The local guys that do participate cannot provide the silicone "gummy bear" style implants I have chosen. Fortunately, my medical oncologist, my internist, my breast surgeon and my gynecologic oncologist are all in network in one of the plans. If they approve the plastic surgeon, we can actually go with the network only choice. Of course, we don't find that out until after choices need to be made. If they don't approve him, then it will cost us some big bucks. Very big bucks. It felt like a return to the beginning when I was spending more time fighting with insurance companies than I was fighting my disease.
I started Arimidex this month. This is my anti-estrogen cancer fighting drug that I'll be taking at least for the next 5 years. I've been on it for over a week now and so far, so good. Not noticing any side effects. It's a drug only given to post-menopausal women. I am one of those now, seeing as I no longer have ovaries. The ovaries are not the only source of estrogen in the body. There's smaller amounts produced peripherally. Arimidex is a member of the aromatose inhibitor class of drugs and it stops that production. So, some women get hot flashes on it... none so far. There are other annoying side effects too, but I haven't seen them yet. I spoke with one of the other Moms at school. She's been on it for 3 yrs without any side effects. Love to hear those sorts of things!
Yup.. more pics still coming eventually.
You should see my hair!!! It's back to about where it was when I had it all chopped off in anticipation of the chemo loss. It's maybe 1/4 of an inch to 1/ of an inch. Fully covers my cold head. Not pleased with the amount of gray, but it's not too bad either. The axillary hair is a royal PIA (pain in the arm) bc I still have no feeling there. Finally got a good shave because I had Rachel hold a mirror so I could watch what I was doing. So glad it is not summer!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
my cup(s) overfloweth
Had my final fill yesterday.
I am now not just a little over expanded, but fully and hugely over expanded. OK. So it's just 3 or 4 ounces over, but it feels like a gallon!
It's like going backwards.
I had loosed up a bit, was used to the new size, and was moving around better. Now I feel like the weight of the world, and then some, is on my chest. I can't move my arms as well. Just can't get comfortable, even with Valium on board.
This too shall pass. At least some of it. My chest muscles will get used to this, they'll stretch and then it will be easier again. Of course, I'll still be living with these bricks called tissue expanders sitting on my chest. But it will be easier. Not normal. Just easier. It will never be normal again. Just a new normal. A much more comfortable one after my next surgery in 3 months!!
I am back to suspecting that I will end up larger than I had hoped. After a lifetime of being very well endowed, complete with shouder grooves and back discomfort (both indications for a breast reduction BTW), I wanted tiny little perky "girls." The reality is that my chest wall is too wide for something tiny. I'll end up with what is appropriate for my body. Something in proportion. That might be a C cup, not the B I had dreamed of. Another reality is that I don't have a good idea of what a B cup really is. LOL! Of course, I do need to remember that I am, right now, as I type, larger than I'll be with my final implants. The size I was just before this fill is a tiny bit bigger than I'll be in the end. I did like that size very much when we were clothes shopping. There's enough for cleavage and not so much that I will still have to buy larger tops than bottoms. It's hard to imagine what the final result will be because I still had considerable swelling under my arms and around the implants. The surgical team does say it's improving. Hard for me to tell because I see it everyday.
OK. I've talked myself back down. I'm not going to be bigger than I wanted. I really did like the size I was last week. The shape could use a great deal of help (expanders are not the same shape and certainly not the same consistency as the silicone implants will be). The size was good. :)
I start physical therapy a little later today. I asked for it. I'm viewing it as my own personal trainer. It's time to get my strength back, even if I have to learn new ways to do so. I also bugged my plastic surgeon enough that I'm allowed some cardio other than walking. It's probably obvious that you cannot run with bricks for boobs. LOL! We do have two exercise bikes and I'm allowed to start using the recumbant bike. It's not going to be easy. We bought the second one bc I couldn't reach the pedals on the recumbant bike, but I can do with with a pillow behind me on the seat. Of course, now that I have permission, I'm not sure where I can squeeze it in with all these physical therapy and doctors appointments!
Well, that's life in the slow lane these days. Wedding pics and new hair pics to come soon. :)
I am now not just a little over expanded, but fully and hugely over expanded. OK. So it's just 3 or 4 ounces over, but it feels like a gallon!
It's like going backwards.
I had loosed up a bit, was used to the new size, and was moving around better. Now I feel like the weight of the world, and then some, is on my chest. I can't move my arms as well. Just can't get comfortable, even with Valium on board.
This too shall pass. At least some of it. My chest muscles will get used to this, they'll stretch and then it will be easier again. Of course, I'll still be living with these bricks called tissue expanders sitting on my chest. But it will be easier. Not normal. Just easier. It will never be normal again. Just a new normal. A much more comfortable one after my next surgery in 3 months!!
I am back to suspecting that I will end up larger than I had hoped. After a lifetime of being very well endowed, complete with shouder grooves and back discomfort (both indications for a breast reduction BTW), I wanted tiny little perky "girls." The reality is that my chest wall is too wide for something tiny. I'll end up with what is appropriate for my body. Something in proportion. That might be a C cup, not the B I had dreamed of. Another reality is that I don't have a good idea of what a B cup really is. LOL! Of course, I do need to remember that I am, right now, as I type, larger than I'll be with my final implants. The size I was just before this fill is a tiny bit bigger than I'll be in the end. I did like that size very much when we were clothes shopping. There's enough for cleavage and not so much that I will still have to buy larger tops than bottoms. It's hard to imagine what the final result will be because I still had considerable swelling under my arms and around the implants. The surgical team does say it's improving. Hard for me to tell because I see it everyday.
OK. I've talked myself back down. I'm not going to be bigger than I wanted. I really did like the size I was last week. The shape could use a great deal of help (expanders are not the same shape and certainly not the same consistency as the silicone implants will be). The size was good. :)
I start physical therapy a little later today. I asked for it. I'm viewing it as my own personal trainer. It's time to get my strength back, even if I have to learn new ways to do so. I also bugged my plastic surgeon enough that I'm allowed some cardio other than walking. It's probably obvious that you cannot run with bricks for boobs. LOL! We do have two exercise bikes and I'm allowed to start using the recumbant bike. It's not going to be easy. We bought the second one bc I couldn't reach the pedals on the recumbant bike, but I can do with with a pillow behind me on the seat. Of course, now that I have permission, I'm not sure where I can squeeze it in with all these physical therapy and doctors appointments!
Well, that's life in the slow lane these days. Wedding pics and new hair pics to come soon. :)
Friday, October 20, 2006
A busy week
After surviving the weekend (MIL's all too short visit, SIL's baby shower and father's wedding),
I took back my chauffeur's hat this week and started doing ALL the driving again.
HUGE thanks go out to Patria, Ken and my Dad who took Rachel where she needed to go on a regular basis for the last 5 weeks or so. The same goes for my sister, Monique and Marlene and anyone else my chemo-brain has forgotten for filling in some of the not so regular spots.
I do admit it has been more tiring than I expected. I end up napping or at least vegetating on the quieter days.
I also tried scrapping again this week. :) Spent part of one day this week at my lss for one of the monthly clubs. It took me a good 2 hrs to do a simple 2 page layout. I suppose that shouldn't be a surprise. At times, it can take me a week to do a one pager, but I'm always happier when they just come together quickly, instead of hours. I found I did need help with some things. The *(& Hermafix dot dispenser. I had so much trouble rolling the thing. It was almost comical except that it was painful... so I just passed it to which ever of my fellow scrappers had her hands free at the moment.
I get what I hope is my last fill on Monday. The previous one was not pretty for a few days. I think this one will be a lesser volume, so I'm hoping it does not have quite the same effect. I'm hoping to start physical therapy the next day. My mobility is coming back, but I need more strength and stamina. Hoping the PT will help with some of that.
I took back my chauffeur's hat this week and started doing ALL the driving again.
HUGE thanks go out to Patria, Ken and my Dad who took Rachel where she needed to go on a regular basis for the last 5 weeks or so. The same goes for my sister, Monique and Marlene and anyone else my chemo-brain has forgotten for filling in some of the not so regular spots.
I do admit it has been more tiring than I expected. I end up napping or at least vegetating on the quieter days.
I also tried scrapping again this week. :) Spent part of one day this week at my lss for one of the monthly clubs. It took me a good 2 hrs to do a simple 2 page layout. I suppose that shouldn't be a surprise. At times, it can take me a week to do a one pager, but I'm always happier when they just come together quickly, instead of hours. I found I did need help with some things. The *(& Hermafix dot dispenser. I had so much trouble rolling the thing. It was almost comical except that it was painful... so I just passed it to which ever of my fellow scrappers had her hands free at the moment.
I get what I hope is my last fill on Monday. The previous one was not pretty for a few days. I think this one will be a lesser volume, so I'm hoping it does not have quite the same effect. I'm hoping to start physical therapy the next day. My mobility is coming back, but I need more strength and stamina. Hoping the PT will help with some of that.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Picture Day!
Here we go..
This is on Sept 6, my birthday. It also is about 5 weeks after my last chemotherapy session. My head is about as bald as I ever got. You can make out my eyebrows if you look closely. I did lose a little more in the next week until they suddenly started to make a comeback. My bottom lashes are completely absent and there are a few upper lashes left.
This is on Sept 6, my birthday. It also is about 5 weeks after my last chemotherapy session. My head is about as bald as I ever got. You can make out my eyebrows if you look closely. I did lose a little more in the next week until they suddenly started to make a comeback. My bottom lashes are completely absent and there are a few upper lashes left.
This one was taken about 2 weeks later. Not a great shot but it does show the changes. Amazing how fast they grew back!!
These two are from Sept 28, when Patria and I went to the Martha Stewart show. The first pic is from waiting on line. The second was taken in the waiting room, after I had been convinced to remove my wig. I actually have drains in place, hidden under that pink shirt. I had not yet had any fills, just what the 400 cc he put in the expanders at the time of surgery. You can see that 400 ccs in expanders behind the pecs is really nothing on me! You can also see the newly waxed eyebrows and the brand new black peach fuzz! My upper and lower lashes are all back in these shots. They are just VERY short. LOL! Oh, and every audience member really did get a pink Kitchen Aid mixer! We were just given cards so they can mail them to our homes. Imagine carting those boxes around the city (we did park right across the street from the studio). Talk about lymphedema concerns! LOL
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
A little better today :)
I have to admit that I was really regretting that large fill on Monday. I felt like I had moved several steps backwards. My muscles were so tight, I was so uncomfortable, and I had outright pain. I hate to take pain meds and I still get nervous about taking Valium, but even the Valium wasn't making much of a difference. I also feel like the swelling under my arms has gotten worse... but I'm not sure if it's from the fill or the fact that some feeling is returning and I'm becoming more aware of it. Or, maybe it's that dh was pointing out how oddly I hold my arms all the time, which is all because of the swelling. It's as if my breasts go clear from the front of my chest around to the edge of my back. The plastic surgery team tells me this will go away. Just give it time.
OK. So that was a complaint. The good news is that I do feel less tight today without any meds on board. It still feels like I'm wearing a brick bra, but that's normal. LOL. What a norm! I'll still need to take the Valium to relax the chest enough to sleep. I'll take any improvement I can get.
The better news is that I got out for a shopping trip today! I met up with my Dad's fiance, Arlene, for a "girls day out" aka "we need to get Melissa something to wear trip." We had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory where even their lunch portions are HUGE! Then we headed to Nordstroms to find me something to wear to the wedding. The wedding that is THIS Sunday! Last minute, but with my everchanging body, that could not be helped. I had arranged for a personal shopper to help, but that turned out not to be too helpful. What she had picked out was something I would wear to work, not to a dressy wedding. Arlene went right to work finding more appropriate clothing. The very first thing she picked out was the "one." It's a fitted black velvet suit jacket, embellished with pink and gold roses with a little beading. It has a loop and button closure in front, along with a satin ribbon tied at the waist. The matching black velvet skirt is hour glass shaped (or maybe that's me? LOL) with a ruffle at the bottom. I only need to do the slightest alterations to the sleeves of the jacket (mentioning that more so that I don't forget to do it before SUNDAY!). Someday, I hope I'll need to alter the waist of the skirt... but that will have to wait until the post-chemo and post-surgery recovery is over and I can exercise again! After that, Arlene decided she needed to get me shoes to match. :) No, I did not tell her that I once owned.. oh... what was it... something like 76 pairs of shoes. Really. Truly. I did once own far too many shoes. When we moved 5 years ago, I pared down to less than 20 pairs. Quite funny because I live in Crocs, clogs and sneakers now. Of course, with a size 5.5 foot, shoe buying is an adventure. Arlene is a more average height woman (we'd call her tall in our family, but she's probably normal height) and I think she was a little surprised at how few places actually had anything dressy even in a 6 (I'll wear a 6 with inserts if I can get it to work). We went to 5 or 6 shoe depts/stores before finding a pair that worked. The worst part of the trip though, was finding a camisole to wear under the suit. Oh my. That was horrendous. First, it was nearly impossible bc no one had anything. Not even Victoria's Secret. At the first place where found not only some that would work, but actually had a selection was a nightmare. I still have issues getting clothing on over my head. I got the camisole on and got stuck putting it on and had such several muscular pain! OMG. I shudder just typing about it. Arlene had to step in and get the dern thing off me. Fortunately, we peeked into Anne Taylor (who knew they had petites now??? why couldn't they have had petites when I worked in an office setting??) and they had black camisoles. I ended up with a petite large. It's large enough that I can actually step into it instead of pulling it over my head. What a relief! It may be too big later on in life, but that's A-OK! It will work for Sunday. And, this gorgeous suit should also work just fine after all my reconstruction is done. I'm now a little bigger than I will be in the end. The suit fits very well now and shouldn't be too baggy later on at all. I probably would have needed one two sizes larger before my surgery. Of course, I probably would have needed the skirt a size smaller back in May or June... but that's ok too. I can take it in later. :)
Yes... I know.. I am long overdue for pics on this blog. I think in between folding laundry tomorrow (I'm allowed to do that, not carry the baskets, but fold the clothing), I will upload my bday pics (as hairless as I got) and my current hair and eyebrow pics. The new outfit pics will have to wait until after the wedding. :)
OK. So that was a complaint. The good news is that I do feel less tight today without any meds on board. It still feels like I'm wearing a brick bra, but that's normal. LOL. What a norm! I'll still need to take the Valium to relax the chest enough to sleep. I'll take any improvement I can get.
The better news is that I got out for a shopping trip today! I met up with my Dad's fiance, Arlene, for a "girls day out" aka "we need to get Melissa something to wear trip." We had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory where even their lunch portions are HUGE! Then we headed to Nordstroms to find me something to wear to the wedding. The wedding that is THIS Sunday! Last minute, but with my everchanging body, that could not be helped. I had arranged for a personal shopper to help, but that turned out not to be too helpful. What she had picked out was something I would wear to work, not to a dressy wedding. Arlene went right to work finding more appropriate clothing. The very first thing she picked out was the "one." It's a fitted black velvet suit jacket, embellished with pink and gold roses with a little beading. It has a loop and button closure in front, along with a satin ribbon tied at the waist. The matching black velvet skirt is hour glass shaped (or maybe that's me? LOL) with a ruffle at the bottom. I only need to do the slightest alterations to the sleeves of the jacket (mentioning that more so that I don't forget to do it before SUNDAY!). Someday, I hope I'll need to alter the waist of the skirt... but that will have to wait until the post-chemo and post-surgery recovery is over and I can exercise again! After that, Arlene decided she needed to get me shoes to match. :) No, I did not tell her that I once owned.. oh... what was it... something like 76 pairs of shoes. Really. Truly. I did once own far too many shoes. When we moved 5 years ago, I pared down to less than 20 pairs. Quite funny because I live in Crocs, clogs and sneakers now. Of course, with a size 5.5 foot, shoe buying is an adventure. Arlene is a more average height woman (we'd call her tall in our family, but she's probably normal height) and I think she was a little surprised at how few places actually had anything dressy even in a 6 (I'll wear a 6 with inserts if I can get it to work). We went to 5 or 6 shoe depts/stores before finding a pair that worked. The worst part of the trip though, was finding a camisole to wear under the suit. Oh my. That was horrendous. First, it was nearly impossible bc no one had anything. Not even Victoria's Secret. At the first place where found not only some that would work, but actually had a selection was a nightmare. I still have issues getting clothing on over my head. I got the camisole on and got stuck putting it on and had such several muscular pain! OMG. I shudder just typing about it. Arlene had to step in and get the dern thing off me. Fortunately, we peeked into Anne Taylor (who knew they had petites now??? why couldn't they have had petites when I worked in an office setting??) and they had black camisoles. I ended up with a petite large. It's large enough that I can actually step into it instead of pulling it over my head. What a relief! It may be too big later on in life, but that's A-OK! It will work for Sunday. And, this gorgeous suit should also work just fine after all my reconstruction is done. I'm now a little bigger than I will be in the end. The suit fits very well now and shouldn't be too baggy later on at all. I probably would have needed one two sizes larger before my surgery. Of course, I probably would have needed the skirt a size smaller back in May or June... but that's ok too. I can take it in later. :)
Yes... I know.. I am long overdue for pics on this blog. I think in between folding laundry tomorrow (I'm allowed to do that, not carry the baskets, but fold the clothing), I will upload my bday pics (as hairless as I got) and my current hair and eyebrow pics. The new outfit pics will have to wait until after the wedding. :)
Monday, October 09, 2006
Another ton of bricks!
I asked for it and I got it.
I had another fill today. This time, they added 120 cc (about 4 ounces) to each expander. I am now not just fully expanded on each side, but a little over expanded. I get one more fill in about two weeks.
Here's the concept behind over-filling. My expanders are located behind my pectoral muscles. These muscles need to be stretched to easily fit my future silicone "gummy bear" implants. If the muscles are stretched more than needed, it is much easier to place the new implants (less pain later for me too) and they can even create a touch (and I mean a small touch) of a natural droop. Not a big 40 yr old droop. More like a 21 yr old version. Just so they don't look totally fake under clothing.
All this expansion makes my chest feel like I'm carrying a ton of bricks. Each expansion drives the muscles nuts and everything tightens up. I've read others compare it to wearing an iron bra. That's pretty accurate. It's like a tight iron bra. I keep wanting to take my bra off.... BUT I DON'T WEAR ONE ANYMORE!!!!!!! Is that just not the funniest thing in the world... Me? Not wearing a bra??? I'm the kind of person who had to wear a bra to bed while pregnant and probably should have worn one to bed even when I wasn't. My bras cost over $50 a piece. Every penny was well spent bc they worked. The oddest thing is that I still have a drawer full of them and there are a few hanging on the line in the basement. I can't get myself to get rid of them yet.
Don't worry about me too much. A little Valium does wonders to relax the muscles. I do admit that I probably needed two tablets tonight, but I'm still fearful of these sorts of drugs!
So, why did I ask for another fill when I could have waited a few more days? My dad is getting married THIS SUNDAY! Miss Former 38DD has not a thing to wear. My old clothing just doesn't hang correctly. So, I had another fill today so that I would be comfortable enough to fit in a shopping spree. I have a lunch and shopping date with Dad's fiance on Wednesday. We will find something for me to wear. No choice. Now, if only I could find the strappy ballroom dancing shoes I bought last fall. Definitely the most comfortable heels on the entire planet and they are missing. :(
I had another fill today. This time, they added 120 cc (about 4 ounces) to each expander. I am now not just fully expanded on each side, but a little over expanded. I get one more fill in about two weeks.
Here's the concept behind over-filling. My expanders are located behind my pectoral muscles. These muscles need to be stretched to easily fit my future silicone "gummy bear" implants. If the muscles are stretched more than needed, it is much easier to place the new implants (less pain later for me too) and they can even create a touch (and I mean a small touch) of a natural droop. Not a big 40 yr old droop. More like a 21 yr old version. Just so they don't look totally fake under clothing.
All this expansion makes my chest feel like I'm carrying a ton of bricks. Each expansion drives the muscles nuts and everything tightens up. I've read others compare it to wearing an iron bra. That's pretty accurate. It's like a tight iron bra. I keep wanting to take my bra off.... BUT I DON'T WEAR ONE ANYMORE!!!!!!! Is that just not the funniest thing in the world... Me? Not wearing a bra??? I'm the kind of person who had to wear a bra to bed while pregnant and probably should have worn one to bed even when I wasn't. My bras cost over $50 a piece. Every penny was well spent bc they worked. The oddest thing is that I still have a drawer full of them and there are a few hanging on the line in the basement. I can't get myself to get rid of them yet.
Don't worry about me too much. A little Valium does wonders to relax the muscles. I do admit that I probably needed two tablets tonight, but I'm still fearful of these sorts of drugs!
So, why did I ask for another fill when I could have waited a few more days? My dad is getting married THIS SUNDAY! Miss Former 38DD has not a thing to wear. My old clothing just doesn't hang correctly. So, I had another fill today so that I would be comfortable enough to fit in a shopping spree. I have a lunch and shopping date with Dad's fiance on Wednesday. We will find something for me to wear. No choice. Now, if only I could find the strappy ballroom dancing shoes I bought last fall. Definitely the most comfortable heels on the entire planet and they are missing. :(
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm thinking, hoping and praying that I might lose that last drain today!
So, I won't break the record for keeping a drain. I'll live and I'll be able to SHOP!!!! Not that I can shop for my final size yet. I think I'll need to be finished with the expansion process (getting close to finished) and need to have the actual silicone in place (probably this winter) to really shop for new clothing. In the meantime, my father is getting remarried in less than TWO WEEKS and I truly have nothing to wear!!! I keep looking at dresses on-line... halter top style, spaghetti straps, all the things I could never wear before. Not sure if I'm actually ready for them yet though. My pseudo-breasts are not anything near a normal shape. I have swelling on the sides (and elsewhere.. just looks the oddest on the sides). My underarms are still numb which means no shaving (trust me.. if I do get one of those sorts of dresses, we'll get that taken care of somehow!!). Even worse, my out of shape belly might just be bigger than my breasts! I'm thinking I look pregnant! Yikes. I have never looked more forward to exercising in my entire life. It must be because I am not allowed to workout at all! LOL
So, I won't break the record for keeping a drain. I'll live and I'll be able to SHOP!!!! Not that I can shop for my final size yet. I think I'll need to be finished with the expansion process (getting close to finished) and need to have the actual silicone in place (probably this winter) to really shop for new clothing. In the meantime, my father is getting remarried in less than TWO WEEKS and I truly have nothing to wear!!! I keep looking at dresses on-line... halter top style, spaghetti straps, all the things I could never wear before. Not sure if I'm actually ready for them yet though. My pseudo-breasts are not anything near a normal shape. I have swelling on the sides (and elsewhere.. just looks the oddest on the sides). My underarms are still numb which means no shaving (trust me.. if I do get one of those sorts of dresses, we'll get that taken care of somehow!!). Even worse, my out of shape belly might just be bigger than my breasts! I'm thinking I look pregnant! Yikes. I have never looked more forward to exercising in my entire life. It must be because I am not allowed to workout at all! LOL
Monday, October 02, 2006
Fill 'er up!
That was the theme of the day.
Yes, I know this was the holy day of atonement, but my plastic surgeon is not Jewish (imagine that.. who knew?). So, I had my now regular Monday plastic surgery appointment.
Today's appointment was something special though. You see, when I had my mastectomies, I had tissue expanders placed beneath my pectoral muscles. These expanders are like partially filled jelly donut shaped balloons. They are slowly inflated with saline (water) until they are larger than I want to be. Then, I get to keep them for 3 more months so they settle and stretch my skin and muscles out. After that, I'll have another surgery to replace them with the newest type of silicone implants. More on those some other time.
Today, I had my first fill. He added 180 cc of saline to each expander (that's about 6 ounces). I had about 400 cc already in, so I am close to being full already! :) He will need to overfill them, so I'll be getting probably 2 or 3 more fills. Even Rachel got into the game. She pushed the first 50 or so ccs in all by herself.
I'm being told that I'm doing remarkably well. I'm still frustrated bc there's so much more I want to be able to do... like open a bottle of water! I can't exercise at all. I'm afraid to get dressed when no one is around bc I might not be able to get the other arm into my shirt (still in button downs). And getting up from lying down is a work out in itself.
OTOH, I was also told that I'm working on getting to be the practice's record holder for keeping a drain in! I have this one blasted drain left and we are at the THREE WEEK MARK!!!! It is finally slowing down, but it's still draining too much fluid to be removed. Hoping it slows down even more in the next few days so it can come out on Thursday.
And while I'm complaining... here's a lovely piece of information. Because of the bilateral mastecomy, I have absolutely no feeling in either axilla (that's underarms for the non-medical crowd). Why should that be important? Just guess what hair has decided to start growing back now too. Really, it could have waited a few more weeks until I have some feeling there. No feeling means that it's not safe to shave. Probably not safe to wax (not long enough) or use one of those chemical depilatories either. And after the reaction the skin around my eyebrows had after waxing last week, I'm just not going to go there!
A happy and healthy new year to one and all!
Yes, I know this was the holy day of atonement, but my plastic surgeon is not Jewish (imagine that.. who knew?). So, I had my now regular Monday plastic surgery appointment.
Today's appointment was something special though. You see, when I had my mastectomies, I had tissue expanders placed beneath my pectoral muscles. These expanders are like partially filled jelly donut shaped balloons. They are slowly inflated with saline (water) until they are larger than I want to be. Then, I get to keep them for 3 more months so they settle and stretch my skin and muscles out. After that, I'll have another surgery to replace them with the newest type of silicone implants. More on those some other time.
Today, I had my first fill. He added 180 cc of saline to each expander (that's about 6 ounces). I had about 400 cc already in, so I am close to being full already! :) He will need to overfill them, so I'll be getting probably 2 or 3 more fills. Even Rachel got into the game. She pushed the first 50 or so ccs in all by herself.
I'm being told that I'm doing remarkably well. I'm still frustrated bc there's so much more I want to be able to do... like open a bottle of water! I can't exercise at all. I'm afraid to get dressed when no one is around bc I might not be able to get the other arm into my shirt (still in button downs). And getting up from lying down is a work out in itself.
OTOH, I was also told that I'm working on getting to be the practice's record holder for keeping a drain in! I have this one blasted drain left and we are at the THREE WEEK MARK!!!! It is finally slowing down, but it's still draining too much fluid to be removed. Hoping it slows down even more in the next few days so it can come out on Thursday.
And while I'm complaining... here's a lovely piece of information. Because of the bilateral mastecomy, I have absolutely no feeling in either axilla (that's underarms for the non-medical crowd). Why should that be important? Just guess what hair has decided to start growing back now too. Really, it could have waited a few more weeks until I have some feeling there. No feeling means that it's not safe to shave. Probably not safe to wax (not long enough) or use one of those chemical depilatories either. And after the reaction the skin around my eyebrows had after waxing last week, I'm just not going to go there!
A happy and healthy new year to one and all!
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