While driving home from bringing Rachel to the theatre for camp this morning, I was thinking about all the little things I have on my agenda for today. I need to pick up some more small gauze pads, I want to get some blueberries, and I need to get a few things together for a scrap booking session this morning. Then, it hit me what life was like this time last summer. It's that telescope of time thing again. It feels both like it was so long ago that maybe it never happened at all and it feels like it was yesterday. At this point last summer, I was getting geared up for my last chemo session and was pretty darn sick with some kind of upper respiratory thing I could not shake. Driving Rachel to and from camp was about all I could handle most days. Walking to the other end of the house was something I waited to do because it seemed so very far away!
I mostly like the feeling that this all was so far away and so long ago. :) I have a different body, different hair and a different mindset.
That's all. It's almost time for another picture. I think a photo a year after finishing chemo would be a good thing. Something to put on the schedule for next week. :)
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Hairspray
We interrupt this blog for something that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with cancer or scrapbooking. :P
Hairspray.
The movie.
See it.
I can't remember any other movie that I came out of with my face hurting from smiling so much! The music is infectious (knew this before we went in). The dancing is fast paced and energetic. The energy just exudes from the screen. I also cannot remember a movie when I wanted to clap during the movie! It wasn't a big audience in the theatre, but everyone did clap after the movie was over.
I know the movie just opened today, but I already cannot wait for it to come out on DVD. Rachel and I went with two friends and their 10 year old girls. We were all laughing, smiling and tapping our feet. The girls were dancing in their seats... and after it was over, during the credits, dancing and singing in the aisles!
For afficionadas of the original movie with Ricki Lake as well as those familiar with the Broadway show, you'll want to stay for the credits. The play "Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now" from the Broadway show. What makes it fun is that the three Tracys sing the song- Ricki Lake who was the original star of the movie, Marissa Winokur who opened in the role on Broadway and the amazing Nikki Blonski, star of this movie.
Hairspray.
The movie.
See it.
I can't remember any other movie that I came out of with my face hurting from smiling so much! The music is infectious (knew this before we went in). The dancing is fast paced and energetic. The energy just exudes from the screen. I also cannot remember a movie when I wanted to clap during the movie! It wasn't a big audience in the theatre, but everyone did clap after the movie was over.
I know the movie just opened today, but I already cannot wait for it to come out on DVD. Rachel and I went with two friends and their 10 year old girls. We were all laughing, smiling and tapping our feet. The girls were dancing in their seats... and after it was over, during the credits, dancing and singing in the aisles!
For afficionadas of the original movie with Ricki Lake as well as those familiar with the Broadway show, you'll want to stay for the credits. The play "Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now" from the Broadway show. What makes it fun is that the three Tracys sing the song- Ricki Lake who was the original star of the movie, Marissa Winokur who opened in the role on Broadway and the amazing Nikki Blonski, star of this movie.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
A confession, something out of nothing, and a layout
I have to admit something.
Yesterday, I did not take a shower until well after lunch.
So? Big deal, right? Well, it was a big deal to me. Taking a shower meant I needed to take off the dressings. In all honesty, I just did not want to see what was underneath. I had asked to see pictures, but my PS did not have any photos of post-op untatooed (is that a word?) nipples to share. Just the finished product. I've seen several pictures on my survivor websites, but none were freshly post-op. Everyone always talks about how huge they are. I just did not want to see because I did not know what to expect. And maybe, just maybe, because I wanted to pretend just a little longer that I did not just have surgery. I also did not want to deal with getting all that surgical tape off!
Finally, I bite the bullet and do what needs to be done. We'll be venturing into the world of TMI here, so if you don't want to know or might be offended somehow, go read someone else's blog.
I took off the dressings and WOW! I have to say I am totally impressed on how he was able to make something out of nothing. If they were not purple (he always uses a purple marking pen) and amber brown (the Duraprep used to clean the area.. it is long lasting and hard to get off), bleeding a little (told ya' this would be TMI), and didn't have tiny pieces of clear suture (I believe it is 4-0 Monocryl :P), you would totally think they were real!!! Seriously. At this point, they look like.... umm... well... they look like the headlights are on. Over the next few months, they will shrink down and will not look like they are stuck in the on position. It's then that I will have my very first experience with tattoos. You have to get color on them somehow, right? Oh... and as someone who was quite well endowed and had one almost term pregnancy and had nursed for quite sometime in my previous life, I have to say how happy I was with the position of said headlights. Some of you know what I mean. They make the whole product look perky. Yup. Perky.
I thought I had a doctor's appointment today. Turned out it was for next Thursday, so I went to Kohls. There was a radio ad about the "lowest prices of the season" and it's so close to the office, I decided it was meant to be. :P I came home with a big bag full of clothing, all for me. Some of it may go back. Neither Stacy, Clinton nor my own fashion critic, Rachel, appeared to assist me. I will have to get Rachel's opinion on a few things. At one point, I was trying on a halter style top (how cool is that? My breasts actually fit in that little built in bra!) and I noticed that you could see the so called headlights. It looked perfectly normal. Freakin' amazing!
No more Barbie boobs. What a layout that would make! Hmmm... don't worry... if I were to actually do one, I would not be using the more graphic photos. LOL
And speaking of scrapbook layouts, here's one for the road. These papers are from the second line, Sam, just released by Scribble Scrabble in time for the summer Craft and Hobby Association show.
Yesterday, I did not take a shower until well after lunch.
So? Big deal, right? Well, it was a big deal to me. Taking a shower meant I needed to take off the dressings. In all honesty, I just did not want to see what was underneath. I had asked to see pictures, but my PS did not have any photos of post-op untatooed (is that a word?) nipples to share. Just the finished product. I've seen several pictures on my survivor websites, but none were freshly post-op. Everyone always talks about how huge they are. I just did not want to see because I did not know what to expect. And maybe, just maybe, because I wanted to pretend just a little longer that I did not just have surgery. I also did not want to deal with getting all that surgical tape off!
Finally, I bite the bullet and do what needs to be done. We'll be venturing into the world of TMI here, so if you don't want to know or might be offended somehow, go read someone else's blog.
You were warned.
I took off the dressings and WOW! I have to say I am totally impressed on how he was able to make something out of nothing. If they were not purple (he always uses a purple marking pen) and amber brown (the Duraprep used to clean the area.. it is long lasting and hard to get off), bleeding a little (told ya' this would be TMI), and didn't have tiny pieces of clear suture (I believe it is 4-0 Monocryl :P), you would totally think they were real!!! Seriously. At this point, they look like.... umm... well... they look like the headlights are on. Over the next few months, they will shrink down and will not look like they are stuck in the on position. It's then that I will have my very first experience with tattoos. You have to get color on them somehow, right? Oh... and as someone who was quite well endowed and had one almost term pregnancy and had nursed for quite sometime in my previous life, I have to say how happy I was with the position of said headlights. Some of you know what I mean. They make the whole product look perky. Yup. Perky.
I thought I had a doctor's appointment today. Turned out it was for next Thursday, so I went to Kohls. There was a radio ad about the "lowest prices of the season" and it's so close to the office, I decided it was meant to be. :P I came home with a big bag full of clothing, all for me. Some of it may go back. Neither Stacy, Clinton nor my own fashion critic, Rachel, appeared to assist me. I will have to get Rachel's opinion on a few things. At one point, I was trying on a halter style top (how cool is that? My breasts actually fit in that little built in bra!) and I noticed that you could see the so called headlights. It looked perfectly normal. Freakin' amazing!
No more Barbie boobs. What a layout that would make! Hmmm... don't worry... if I were to actually do one, I would not be using the more graphic photos. LOL
And speaking of scrapbook layouts, here's one for the road. These papers are from the second line, Sam, just released by Scribble Scrabble in time for the summer Craft and Hobby Association show.
The morning after
We can just add yesterday to the list surreal experiences!
Having the procedure under local anesthesia without any sedation was a new experience for me. A little bizarre, I might add. Surreal is probably the right word. Anytime I have to be the one jumping onto the OR table is incredibly surreal for me. It's like being in some strange dream (dare I say nightmare?). Being awake and alert for the experience only magnified that feeling.
You learn something new everyday, right? Yesterday, I learned that I have much more sensation than I ever imagined! First, the surgeon did the typical testing for sensation. I couldn't see, but I've done this sort of thing enough times myself to know that he put an Alice clamp on the spot where the nipple was going to be created. I felt no pain whatsoever. Not even sure if I could really tell that there was something there. Your brain can play tricks on you when someone says 'Do you feel something sharp?' or something along those lines. Next, it was time to inject the local anesthetic, a little lidocaine. I even made a comment that I did not think it was exactly necessary. Umm... not quite. I was shocked when I actually felt the first needle go in! It means I am regaining sensation! That is soooo cool! I cannot even begin to explain how happy I am about that. Not everyone does and it takes a very long time. I should mention that first needle did not hurt. It's just that I could definitely feel it. I was aware a few more times on that breast. Then he moved on to the right one. Not sure which number injection it was, but boy did I feel that one. It got a definite 'ouch.' Note the use of the lowercase ouch there. have you guessed what's coming next? Yes. That's right, the full out, bold faced uppercase 'OUCH!' I not only felt that one but it hurt and not just a little bit. Wow.
The actual procedure was bizarre. I think if I could have watched, it would have been less so. Just like we tell our patients to expect with a c-section under an epidural, I could feel all sorts of stretching, pulling and tugging. I could feel every suture being cut. I could also feel the scrub nurse apply a little too much pressure when she was retracting. Ugh. Some people are not used to having an awake patient. In ob/gyn, we have awake patients in the OR all the time, so it's something we are quite used to and deal with very early in our training.
The whole thing took maybe 45 minutes for both sides. I was able to walk right out of the OR and into recovery. A little nicer than being pushed on a stretcher or on a wheelchair. The OR nurse offered, but I said I'd rather just walk if I could. It felt much more normal. :) Another nice thing about having a procedure under local, you don't have to wait and recover long. I still did get a snack in the recovery room though. I was starving by then! I was allowed to eat breakfast, but my case was originally scheduled for noon. I thought I'd be able to eat right afterwards, so I didn't have lunch beforehand. It was almost 2pm by the time I got into the OR. Fortunately, Howie went out and picked up lunch for us both while I was in the OR.
Another odd thing is that I am definitely aware of something. What that is, I'm not sure. I don't think it's all in my head. There's a feeling on my chest that is a little hard to describe. It's almost like I feel sore, as if I had just nursed a new baby. Remember that I don't have actual breast tissue and I certainly have no milk ducts. I've read other women's reports after nipple construction (I don't like to call it reconstruction, though technically it is a reconstruction I suppose.. I'm starting from nothing, so to me it's construction. LOL). I don't recall ever reading anyone else mention that they had some type of soreness in the nipple region afterwards. Most mention that they don't actually feel anything there. Some mention pain at the donor site. My surgeon did not use a donor site. He used the skin on my pseudo-breasts to create something out of nothing. I haven't actually taken a peek yet. I can today, but I'm waiting. I'm allowed to shower and remove the dressings today. Not sure I am ready to look yet. Not sure what to expect. Even more not sure what to wear! I have one of those lovely black surgical bras on again. This is number 3 in my collection. :P I need to keep the sites slathered with Neosporin, so obviously, I need to wear something. Not sure I want to wear one of my two real bras. Not keen on getting "stuff" on them but black really doesn't go well under most summer clothes. I half wish I had waited until the fall, but I'll be working my normal part-time job plus a full time temporary position (covering someone who will be out for maternity leave), so there wouldn't be time. And, if I had waited any longer, even more nerve sensation would have been back! Dreading the tatoos now that I know that I'll be able to feel it, at least in part!! I have to wait about 4 months for that. One thing I do know is that the nips are huge at first. They take about 4 months to settle down to whatever their normal size will be.
Nothing to do today except take Rachel to and from the theatre. There's tons of stuff that needs to be done in the house, but it will wait another day. I think the Cipro is making me a little dizzy, so sitting around might just be a good thing today!
Having the procedure under local anesthesia without any sedation was a new experience for me. A little bizarre, I might add. Surreal is probably the right word. Anytime I have to be the one jumping onto the OR table is incredibly surreal for me. It's like being in some strange dream (dare I say nightmare?). Being awake and alert for the experience only magnified that feeling.
You learn something new everyday, right? Yesterday, I learned that I have much more sensation than I ever imagined! First, the surgeon did the typical testing for sensation. I couldn't see, but I've done this sort of thing enough times myself to know that he put an Alice clamp on the spot where the nipple was going to be created. I felt no pain whatsoever. Not even sure if I could really tell that there was something there. Your brain can play tricks on you when someone says 'Do you feel something sharp?' or something along those lines. Next, it was time to inject the local anesthetic, a little lidocaine. I even made a comment that I did not think it was exactly necessary. Umm... not quite. I was shocked when I actually felt the first needle go in! It means I am regaining sensation! That is soooo cool! I cannot even begin to explain how happy I am about that. Not everyone does and it takes a very long time. I should mention that first needle did not hurt. It's just that I could definitely feel it. I was aware a few more times on that breast. Then he moved on to the right one. Not sure which number injection it was, but boy did I feel that one. It got a definite 'ouch.' Note the use of the lowercase ouch there. have you guessed what's coming next? Yes. That's right, the full out, bold faced uppercase 'OUCH!' I not only felt that one but it hurt and not just a little bit. Wow.
The actual procedure was bizarre. I think if I could have watched, it would have been less so. Just like we tell our patients to expect with a c-section under an epidural, I could feel all sorts of stretching, pulling and tugging. I could feel every suture being cut. I could also feel the scrub nurse apply a little too much pressure when she was retracting. Ugh. Some people are not used to having an awake patient. In ob/gyn, we have awake patients in the OR all the time, so it's something we are quite used to and deal with very early in our training.
The whole thing took maybe 45 minutes for both sides. I was able to walk right out of the OR and into recovery. A little nicer than being pushed on a stretcher or on a wheelchair. The OR nurse offered, but I said I'd rather just walk if I could. It felt much more normal. :) Another nice thing about having a procedure under local, you don't have to wait and recover long. I still did get a snack in the recovery room though. I was starving by then! I was allowed to eat breakfast, but my case was originally scheduled for noon. I thought I'd be able to eat right afterwards, so I didn't have lunch beforehand. It was almost 2pm by the time I got into the OR. Fortunately, Howie went out and picked up lunch for us both while I was in the OR.
Another odd thing is that I am definitely aware of something. What that is, I'm not sure. I don't think it's all in my head. There's a feeling on my chest that is a little hard to describe. It's almost like I feel sore, as if I had just nursed a new baby. Remember that I don't have actual breast tissue and I certainly have no milk ducts. I've read other women's reports after nipple construction (I don't like to call it reconstruction, though technically it is a reconstruction I suppose.. I'm starting from nothing, so to me it's construction. LOL). I don't recall ever reading anyone else mention that they had some type of soreness in the nipple region afterwards. Most mention that they don't actually feel anything there. Some mention pain at the donor site. My surgeon did not use a donor site. He used the skin on my pseudo-breasts to create something out of nothing. I haven't actually taken a peek yet. I can today, but I'm waiting. I'm allowed to shower and remove the dressings today. Not sure I am ready to look yet. Not sure what to expect. Even more not sure what to wear! I have one of those lovely black surgical bras on again. This is number 3 in my collection. :P I need to keep the sites slathered with Neosporin, so obviously, I need to wear something. Not sure I want to wear one of my two real bras. Not keen on getting "stuff" on them but black really doesn't go well under most summer clothes. I half wish I had waited until the fall, but I'll be working my normal part-time job plus a full time temporary position (covering someone who will be out for maternity leave), so there wouldn't be time. And, if I had waited any longer, even more nerve sensation would have been back! Dreading the tatoos now that I know that I'll be able to feel it, at least in part!! I have to wait about 4 months for that. One thing I do know is that the nips are huge at first. They take about 4 months to settle down to whatever their normal size will be.
Nothing to do today except take Rachel to and from the theatre. There's tons of stuff that needs to be done in the house, but it will wait another day. I think the Cipro is making me a little dizzy, so sitting around might just be a good thing today!
Monday, July 16, 2007
T minus 1
By this time tomorrow, I'll have nipples.
Is that just not the strangest concept?
I am in my usual semi-denial mode. I can't believe I am having surgery tomorrow.
My house is a mess. My MIL is coming for a visit this weekend. So, what do I do?
I scrap!!
Is that just not the strangest concept?
I am in my usual semi-denial mode. I can't believe I am having surgery tomorrow.
My house is a mess. My MIL is coming for a visit this weekend. So, what do I do?
I scrap!!
For my scrapper friends, this is one of the new releases from Scribble Scribble. Everything but the lightest green paper is from the Georgia line. The light green paper is the reverse of one of the papers from the new Sam line. For those that are just stopping by, Rachel is still an only child! This is a friend who started at school this past year. From the very first day, the teachers were confusing the two of them. Even teachers who have known Rachel a looonnngg time. She's been at Prep since she was 3, after all. Some of the kids starting calling them "the twins." I think there is a definite resemblance... but there is no relation between them as far as we know. :)
Saturday, July 14, 2007
July 14
While I'm sitting here recovering from my morning bike ride, I thought it was time to update the old blog with some meanderings.
Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. I might be a crazy fool, but I decided to have it done under local anesthesia. I figure that I am actually much more at home being awake in an operating room than I am going to sleep in one. I did have the option for sedation. Sedation is a beautiful thing. I had it for my port insertion and it was quite necessary for that. I was so incredibly anxious. I had more anxiety before that procedure about than anything else I've gone through in the last year plus. Maybe even more anxiety than anything, period. LOL! Anyway, with sedation, you get a wonderfully amnestic drug, so there's no memory of the procedure itself. I can remember them setting up for it and I can remember them taking the drapes off. Nothing in between other than being told he was going to start the medication. :) Love that.
So, then why not have it for the nipple construction? It's as I mentioned, I don't have anxiety about walking into an OR. It feels like home. It's comfortable. I love the idea of knowing what's going on. It fits with my desire for control. So... my non-mastectomized readers are wondering... what about pain?? Isn't there going to be cutting involved? It is surgery afterall. Well, in the Tales from the Cancer Chronicles (the book that exists only in my head and maybe in some blog entries), there's a chapter about silly silicone games. There's one where I close my eyes and try to guess if I'm being touched. And I lose everytime. The nerve regeneration is getting closer. I'm getting itchy in new places... but I get the itch, scratch, and then don't get any satisfaction because I can't feel it!!!! Hard to describe, but that's how it is.
If I were more ambitious, I'd share some layouts. But you can't see them if I don't scan them. :P
Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. I might be a crazy fool, but I decided to have it done under local anesthesia. I figure that I am actually much more at home being awake in an operating room than I am going to sleep in one. I did have the option for sedation. Sedation is a beautiful thing. I had it for my port insertion and it was quite necessary for that. I was so incredibly anxious. I had more anxiety before that procedure about than anything else I've gone through in the last year plus. Maybe even more anxiety than anything, period. LOL! Anyway, with sedation, you get a wonderfully amnestic drug, so there's no memory of the procedure itself. I can remember them setting up for it and I can remember them taking the drapes off. Nothing in between other than being told he was going to start the medication. :) Love that.
So, then why not have it for the nipple construction? It's as I mentioned, I don't have anxiety about walking into an OR. It feels like home. It's comfortable. I love the idea of knowing what's going on. It fits with my desire for control. So... my non-mastectomized readers are wondering... what about pain?? Isn't there going to be cutting involved? It is surgery afterall. Well, in the Tales from the Cancer Chronicles (the book that exists only in my head and maybe in some blog entries), there's a chapter about silly silicone games. There's one where I close my eyes and try to guess if I'm being touched. And I lose everytime. The nerve regeneration is getting closer. I'm getting itchy in new places... but I get the itch, scratch, and then don't get any satisfaction because I can't feel it!!!! Hard to describe, but that's how it is.
If I were more ambitious, I'd share some layouts. But you can't see them if I don't scan them. :P
Thursday, July 05, 2007
July 5, a year later
So, now a year later, I thought I thought it was time to share the current state of my hair. It is so very curly that it is hard to appreciate the true length. I only get to appreciate that when it is totally soaking wet, and even then it doesn't lay perfectly flat. If it were like my old hair, I would need to get the bangs cut. And, as I've said before, if I brush it, it's much larger. Huge in fact. I'm having a relatively flat hair day today. I used lots and lots of product today because it was so humid. If I didn't... well lets just say I could give early 1970's Micheal Jackson a run for his money!
And, here's the real reason I broke out the camera today. Rachel came home with a pair of rhinestoned pink sunglasses, courtesy of a friend who made a trip to a costume shop today. She wanted her picture taken. :) Not only did she want her picture taken (and I was happy to indulge) but she specified that I must scrap it with pink polka dot paper. :P Only a scrapper's kid!
I actually made Rachel's skirt from scratch yesterday. Made one for her American Girl doll too. She's decided to wear it tomorrow for "dress like your favorite 50's and 60's rock star" day. Originally, she tried to recruit other girls to join her as the Supremes or Dreamettes (from DreamGirls), but everyone wants to wear their poodle skirts tomorrow. They've decided to be another never actually existed group, The Pink Poodles. LOL!
A funny aside.. Rachel loves the glasses but hated the close up shots I took. She says the glasses make her nose look big. Uhoh. We are definitely on the cusp of those teen years!
Monday, July 02, 2007
American Girl, Broadway Shows, Words and Surgery.
July is finally here and camp has started for Rachel. This means that my overcompensation for not being able to do much running around last summer is now drawing to a quiet close! In the last few weeks, we've had several trips to the mall, seen a few movies, had playdates and sleepovers (that should read tried to have sleepovers! LOL), been to the American Girl Place in NYC twice, and seen two Broadway shows. The pics below are in reverse order. Rachel and I had fantabulous seats to see Hairspray earlier this month. She likes this photo because you can see the can of hairspray above the marquis. Our most recent trip into NYC was on Wednesday. The grandparents, my still newlywed Dad and his bride, treated us to a lunch and a show (The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee which is a riot!) I honestly did not intend on a second visit to the AGP, but Rachel certainly did. She brought her doll with her and hoped for the best and she got it! LOL. Both Dad and Arlene bought her new outfits for her dolls. Have no fear. I'm not getting off that easy. I bought the apron set during a visit earlier this month and I'm sure we will be acquiring the new dance outfits that just came out sometime in the future.
Since it is finally quiet here, I decided to spend the morning putting up my new favorite home decor item. I don't think this fad has really hit the east yet, but it seems to be big in the midwest at least. I bought a few sets of words from Uppercase Living.
They are so much fun! They are actually made out vinyl. They go onto the wall a bit like rub-ons. This first one is in Rachel's room (and yes, that is a laminated Paperkin on her mirror. She used to play with them). The next two, obviously, are in the kitchen. I've wanted to something with that expanse of white tile for such a long time. This seemed like the answer. Once I figure out what I want to say and how big I want it to be, I am thinking I will be ordering more. Definitely something for over the bed in the scraproom/guestroom, something for the living room entryway area, my bedroom, the family room... I could go on and on. They come in all sorts of sizes. You can pick pre-made phrases like I did or design your own. Tons of options. They are pretty easy to get on, even on the tile (that was slightly more challenging at first) and they are fully and easily removable. I never have home parties of any sort, not even scrap-related, but I am thinking about doing one for this. Or maybe just a catalog party as my rep, Miley, is in Nebraska!! LOL. If anyone wants to browse the catalog, I can foward the info from Miley.
On a slightly more serious note. This is a strange anniversary week for me. This is the week I lost my hair last year. I wonder if the July 4 week will always be marked this way for me. I plan to take a picture this week to share so you can all revel in my curliness. :P I think I look like a refugee from the 1970s or 80s. When I brush my hair, I look like a refugee from the late 60's! As I've said many a time, just dye it red and call me Annie. :P In this July's issue of Simple Scrapbooks, I have a scrapbook page about the whole hair release thing during our July vacation at the beach last year. You can even see me in a bathing suit if you pick up the issue. And I'm even wigless, but with that big ol' hat, you can't really tell. :)
And one more thing.. in case I start to ignore the blog again. My next surgery date is July 17.
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