Shock and Awe!

After all the trauma of being rejected, I just got word that my next reconstruction surgery has been approved after all!!!!!

Apparently, there is no straight foward way to do these things. The method by which it was finally approved and with my own surgeon was more than a bit convoluted. That's OK. It happened. :D I am going to ask how much they plan to pay in advance after the "only paying for one breast when I had 2 removed" fiasco of the last few months. It took about 3 months, maybe more, to get them to cough up the full amount for my exchange surgery (when the actual implants were placed).

For my scrappy friends, this means a 99% chance I will not be at CHA-S. My surgery will be just a few days before that. I'll have to just be there in spirit... and in paper and photos. LOL. I'll have some layouts and photos in various places on the exhibit floor. I am so very sorry that I am going to miss seeing Stef, Dana, and Genine (no blog that I know of). These three are my fellow young breast cancer scrap industry related friends. We've been through the mill together. Dana set us all on the way as she did this a full year before me. Genine and I went through a good part of treatment around the same time. Stef followed me by several months. We are all finished with the most active treatment now and all of us, except me, will be in Chicago for a weekend in July. You kind find lots of Stef's work in PaperCrafts Magazine, Dana has her own paper line and Genine, until recently, had her own lss. She and I will have art therapy journals in an upcoming book from Sharon Soneff next year. :)

It really hasn't sunk in yet. I can't believe it. So tired of the insurance company games.

Let it roll

It's been one of those weeks all sorts of things did not go as planned.

Once upon a time, I was a type A personality, with everything that goes with it. I lived my life with lists, always following the clock, and with high expectations. There was a point in time, I think it came sometime after my residency, when I made a conscious decision not to live my life that way. This may be shocking for some, but it was then that I gave up wearing a watch. {I can hear the gasps from the type As out there now! LOL}

Just like purses are to me now, a watch was a very necessary fashion accessory. Of course, it was more than a fashion accessory, it was how I lived my life. Always in a rush to finish the task at hand and get onto the next.

Even worse than giving up my watch, sometime after I finished residency and did not need to get up at 5 am on a regular basis, I gave up my alarm clock. I actually applied something I learned in medical school but never had the chance to try. If you get enough sleep, you will wake up on time. It happens each and everyday. It actually still amazes me.

So, now I'm going to bring back this not so amazing conversation with myself to cancer. You thought it was going to be a non-cancer post, didn't you? LOL. Is it ever? I learned a lesson this week. We had all sorts of things go wrong this week. I was trying to meet a friend in Penn Station and missed her by probably 10-15 minutes due to a late train and cell phones that don't work in tunnels. It rained that whole morning, ruining our original plans (we made due with a morning at the American Girl Place... a bonus for Miss Rachel). Rachel and I were supposed to drive to MD to visit a college friend and her dds on Thursday. We were also going to visit the Great American Scrapbook Convention in VA with them (they are new scrappers), and we were going to scrap (reminds me that I was going to work on my Boxer stuff for July- still need to do that!). None of that happened because my alternator died a sudden a death. My dh went to install my new amazing Sony dye sub photo printer only to learn that it was broken before we ever used it. It will be replaced, but I am printer-less (my addicted scrapper/photography fiend friends will understand that calamity). It's been one thing after another the last few days. Nothing is going my way.

But it's OK. And that's the lesson. In my post-active-treatment life (though taking a pill everyday is still treatment, but it's certainly not as violent a treatment as chemo or surgery), the little things matter less. In another lifetime, I would be angry, frustrated, ticked off, and maybe even sad. But I'm not. I'm OK. It's not a conscious thing. I didn't have to decide that I was going to let these things just roll off my back. They just did. All on their own.

Not sure if this really is a blog-worthy entry, but that's OK too. :P I'm going with it.

A little less serious sharing :)

I've been sneaking in a little scrapping in the mornings over the last week. It's good therapy. :) This is one I did early this morning, when I came home from work. I still love these pictures. They were taken on the towpath of the canal. It's become our Halloween tradition to go out there and take pictures after school. The journaling talks a little about the dress. Originally, when Rachel decided she wanted to be a colonial girl (the American Girl Felicity, to be exact), I thought it would be a great summer project to make the dress ourselves. Then, chemo got in the way and the plans were put aside. I eventually found a talented seamstress on EBAY who does costumes for reeanactment events and our problems were solved. She made a dress for Rachel's doll too, but it did not arrive in time for Halloween.




Rachel's current dance school does not do formal portraits. Not really a problem at all, as I had stopped buying anything other than the group photos for the most part. I've been either taking them on my own or having them done. There were so many good ones to pick from this year. It was so hard to choose. These are two of my favorites. The bottom one is from her hip-hop class. Most cost efficient costume we've ever had in this house!

A clearer head

This whole post might be TMI for some.

You've been warned.

Stop reading and go surf somewhere else if you are not interested.


Having slept on this, I've decided that maybe this insurance company denial is a good thing.

It's making me re-think the whole concept of this surgery.

The reality is that "the girls" look just fine under clothing. At least I think they do. No one has said otherwise yet. Wonder if anyone would tell me if they didn't? It would be nice, however, if I could fill out a bra in a normal store. That was part of why I wanted to continue the reconstruction process. That, and looking normal when I glance in the mirror.

Maybe I just need to get more adventurous in the bra trying on department. And, before anyone starts suggesting, I have already been to Victoria's Secret with their completely clueless and frightened salesgirls and I've been to the new store (new to me) in the mall that's attached to Chico's, where they had so many bras I wanted to buy (none fit) and at least the salesgirl was not frightened (don't think she exactly understood, but at least she didn't run away scared). I measure out as a B or a C cup, but despite the illusion, the shape really is not normal. There are very round silicone implants that make up the real shape. Every B cup I've tried on has looked silly because the cup is just too big in the middle. I could get the special prosthetic devices (thin sheet of silicone) that look like they have nipples and fill out the cup, but then why did I have reconstruction? I could have just left everything alone, been concave and used prosthetics. No thanks. I think I'm going to try an A cup the next time I go into one of those stores with all the cute bras. And, I am going back to the specialty shop, Sylene's. The place where they actually have fitters trained in fitting women with reconstruction. I finally put on the bra I bought there... lo and behold.. it fits nicely. It's even kind of cute. Just a little too high cut. And since my insurance company that won't pay for my plastic surgeon of choice will actually pay for 4 bras each year (a perk of having had a mastectomy or two), I might as well go back and get 2 more to fill the quota for the year. And, one of these days, but not this summer, I will make a trip to visit my mom's cousin Carol. She retired from being a college professor and runs my great aunt's lingerie shop, Ruth's in RI. If you are in RI and need a bra, esp if you have any special needs, it's the place to go.

Now, I admit I have no interest in wearing a bra ALL the time. It's just not necessary, though I do worry about the weight of the silicone causing further sagging if I don't wear one. Then again, that would be perfectly natural for a woman my age. :P LOL. Still, the bigger issue is looking normal. Not that there are huge numbers of people that are ever going to see my Barbie boobs. But, it's for me. Obviously it is solely for me. It's the idea that if I were to change my clothing in a locker room, I wouldn't look glaringly like a Frankenstein version of Barbie since I otherwise look nothing like Barbie and no Barbie I've seen comes with horizontal scars across her chest.. but I bet someone will make one now that I've said that. It's so when I get dressed or take a shower at home and I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, I can forget.

Anyway, I took a look at this website (fixed link) . If you are very curious, take a look at the areola reconstruction photos. I'm thinking something like this just might do the trick. It creates an illusion with no permanent headlight issues (you did realize that there is no "off and on" when you have completely fake nipples, right?). I'm thinking this might be my answer.

I do also think that I need to take my time and not jump into a decision. It's not like chemo (which I delayed). It's not even like having my ooph (salpingo-oophorectomy = tube and ovary removal), which I also put off for a few months (the gyn wanted to do it right away, before chemo even.. as most of you know, I waited until after chemo and did it with the bilateral mastectomy). There's just no rush. It would be SOOOOOOOO nice to be done with everything. Reality check reveals that I will never be done with everything. I'll be taking drugs for at least the next 5 years. I'll be in some level of surveillance for the rest of my life. It's just how the cards played out. So, I'm going to try to take a deep breath, relax, and think about it all some more.

From Freedom to Crash and Burn

I spoke too soon.

The insurance company did not get a clue.
Instead, they have issued a "don't pass go, don't collect $200 card." I am so incredibly disappointed. This is part of my reconstruction. It's a multi-phase process. This is the next phase.

All hope is not lost. Just most of it. We are appealing the decision and trying to get approval through another route. However, we've already been told it's extremely unlikely they will reverse the decision.

I am just so sick of the roller coaster. You may remember from my posts last year, I don't like roller coasters. I do not ride them on purpose. I thought this one was over. And now, it may be over.

Yes. I know. I could find a plastic surgeon in network. That might just be what I'll have to do. Once again, it's starting over. More consults, more paperwork, more phone calls. And finding people who've actually been in the OR with these surgeons. I just don't have the energy. I just want it to be over.

And it could be. I can just stop here and not go further with the reconstruction. Initially, that's what I thought I was going to to do. But, then I saw what the completed product, so to speak, looks like. It's real. They look amazingly like the real thing. Dh, of course, points out that they don't actually work and I wouldn't be able to actually feel them anyway. He's right. That's part of why I wasn't sure I was going to do this initially. But, then, when I saw how normal they made artificial breasts look, I changed my mind. I want that too. I want to look normal, even if I am the only one that ever sees them. But, I am tired of fighting the bureaucracy. And honestly, it's not important enough for me to spend the 1000s of dollars it would cost out of pocket. Not that I'm really even in a position to do so considering the months I've been out of work in the last year and the cut in hours once I did go back.

Yeah. There are worse things. A year ago tonight, I was having dinner with my dd and my sister's family. It was my first dinner after my first chemo session. The fear of the unknown was resting heavily on my shoulders. I still had my original breasts then, so it might have been the weight of my bra too :) Hard for me to imagine that anymore. Anyway, I'm NED (no evidence of disease), I have my family, my friends, and that's all much more important. Might sound a bit Pollyanna, but I have to repeat these things for myself sometimes. :)

Freedom!

Saw my plastic surgeon yesterday.

I still get a kick out of the fact that I have a plastic surgeon. I did once consider becoming one myself. I once cut sutures during a very cool facial reconstruction surgery during a short surgical elective as a medical student. They were reconstructing the face of a little boy who had a severe dog bite injury. The surgery was amazing and I easily imagined myself doing that sort of thing. I also love operating with the minute detail and neatness that a plastic surgeon should have... but no one really gets to see my work because most of it is inside. :) LOL

Anyway, I had a short list of questions for him and I loved the answers. :) Number one was about my restrictions- they've been lifted. Number two was about living 24/7 in a compressive high impact sports bra.

Yes.

You got it.

I am free!!!!

Finally, I am allowed to wear any bra in any color or style my little heart desires!!!!!

Or, better yet, no bra at all. :)

I admit I came home from my appointment and took off the sports bra. :o


The concept of shopping for any bra I want after all these years is, in all honesty, overwhelming. I was a C cup by the time I was in 6th grade and was wearing a 32D by sometime the next year. I no longer have that small a band size, but I'm now a B. I've spent years admiring all the cute colors and styles that came in B cups. What I want to know though, is when did Victoria's Secret become so darn expensive??? LOL. Years ago, I tried to shop there, but 38DD was not really a size they carried in the store and if they did have one, it did not have sufficient support. I went there a few weeks ago, before I was allowed out of the sports bra... just to take a peek. Those bras cost almost as much as my old multimillion dollar Wacoals.

As overwhelming as it is, it is much better than being overwhelmed by chemotherapy.

So, what's next? If you don't want to know, stop reading.

We discussed the next phase. Assuming the insurance company gets a clue and agrees to pay like we were originally promised, I get nipples. He makes them out of my own skin. No skin transplant technique like some do. He uses the skin that is already there. I understand that they are quite huge (he used the term protuberant) for a while and then they shrink down. I guess it means I should get bras for our cruise in August because the headlights will be on all the time! :o Then, about 4 months later, I get to do something else I never pictured myself doing. I get tattoos. That's how they get color and how the areola is created. I bet you didn't even think about that part. Just like how most people don't realize that getting cuter boobs in a situation like this is not quite the same as having a reduction, lift or augmentation. After a mastectomy, there's no feeling. When I have the nipples created, I will not need anesthesia. No general. I can have sedation if I choose, but it's not necessary. I'm thinking of doing it without sedation so I can drive myself (though my sister has offered to take a day off and I suspect dh would offer to do the same).

So, that's the latest. A little more information than some of you probably wanted to know. :P

Jessica's Bas Mitzvah

It seems that I can only post 5 photos in one entry, so here's a glimpse from the party on Saturday afternoon.

The first one is the incredibly gorgeous Jessica dancing with her dad. She did a wonderful job with the service that morning. I must say that Rachel was particularly impressed with all the work and studying that went into preparing for the service. This was the first actual Bar or Bas Mitzvah that Rachel has ever attended.

Across your screen... My cousin Sally who flew in from CA for the occassion. For my breast cancer buds, she is 13 years out from diagnosis, NED, living life, and is quite happy to be a posterchild for young survivorship! :) Next are cousins Elliot and Donna, the parents of the incredibly gorgeous Jessica. And, by now, you all know me. :P I had to show this one for those of you who listened to me complain about shopping for a dress. This is certainly something I never could have worn prior to Sept 12, 2006. Looking at the photos (I only have 2 with me in them, a hazard of being behind the lens), I'm not sure I really even fill out the top of it. Such a bizarre concept when I know that before Sept 12, I couldn't have worn it at all because my top would not have fit into such a small thing!! And yes, I did take the ubiquitous sports bra off for the day.

Below is Rachel and her great-great uncle Sheldon. He's Jess' paternal granddad. He had his 90th bday not too many years ago. All the children adore him. He called me pretty much every single week throughout chemo and after surgery.

And, if you look closely, you'll see that Rachel matches the tableclothes. This was not planned! We learned about it when we arrived. LOL! Some of my scrapping friends know that it also matches some Scribble Scrabble papers. Also not planned. My dad and Arlene bought this dress for Rachel and one in blue for Arlene's granddaughter when they had a sleepover earlier this spring. Rachel fell in love with the dress (it is very Rachel) and because Rachel loved it, Brooke loved it too. :) Brooke is a little younger and likes to do whatever Rachel does. :) It's cute.

I couldn't resist showing one of these of my nephew. Yes, I said one of these. I have a few photos of Lucas looking like this. He was not too found of the volume of the music at first.

And last, but not least, is dh dancing with my niece, Hannah. You may remember her from a photo I posted this summer, Two Bald Girls with Earrings. You will note that I have significantly more hair than Hannah does now. :P Good thing she's not old enough to know I was competing with her for hair and I WON! She is still the cuter one though. :)

Spring Dance Recital

While the card reader is still hooked up to my computer, I thought I'd share some photos from the madness of the weekend. We had a Bas Mitzvah (next post) and Rachel's Spring Dance Performance. Nope. Not a recital. It's a little lower key than a recital, so they call it a performance instead. I don't have any good shots from her hip-hop performance. She wore a black leotard and jeans for that one. Not very different than how she appears most days of the week. LOL.

Of course, it was a brilliant performance. They danced in a short ballet. For once, they were the "big girls," as the ballet included all the pre-ballet (kindergarten) through ballet 4 (Rachel's level which is prep for pointe). We will miss this little group of 5 next year. She is staying at the same school, but the group won't be the same. One of the girls is no longer enjoying the class (at 3 days a week for just ballet, you need to love it!) and another is moving to Singapore. Plus, there are a good number of children moving up from level 3, so it will be a larger class instead of the very intimate experience it was this year.