A clearer head

This whole post might be TMI for some.

You've been warned.

Stop reading and go surf somewhere else if you are not interested.


Having slept on this, I've decided that maybe this insurance company denial is a good thing.

It's making me re-think the whole concept of this surgery.

The reality is that "the girls" look just fine under clothing. At least I think they do. No one has said otherwise yet. Wonder if anyone would tell me if they didn't? It would be nice, however, if I could fill out a bra in a normal store. That was part of why I wanted to continue the reconstruction process. That, and looking normal when I glance in the mirror.

Maybe I just need to get more adventurous in the bra trying on department. And, before anyone starts suggesting, I have already been to Victoria's Secret with their completely clueless and frightened salesgirls and I've been to the new store (new to me) in the mall that's attached to Chico's, where they had so many bras I wanted to buy (none fit) and at least the salesgirl was not frightened (don't think she exactly understood, but at least she didn't run away scared). I measure out as a B or a C cup, but despite the illusion, the shape really is not normal. There are very round silicone implants that make up the real shape. Every B cup I've tried on has looked silly because the cup is just too big in the middle. I could get the special prosthetic devices (thin sheet of silicone) that look like they have nipples and fill out the cup, but then why did I have reconstruction? I could have just left everything alone, been concave and used prosthetics. No thanks. I think I'm going to try an A cup the next time I go into one of those stores with all the cute bras. And, I am going back to the specialty shop, Sylene's. The place where they actually have fitters trained in fitting women with reconstruction. I finally put on the bra I bought there... lo and behold.. it fits nicely. It's even kind of cute. Just a little too high cut. And since my insurance company that won't pay for my plastic surgeon of choice will actually pay for 4 bras each year (a perk of having had a mastectomy or two), I might as well go back and get 2 more to fill the quota for the year. And, one of these days, but not this summer, I will make a trip to visit my mom's cousin Carol. She retired from being a college professor and runs my great aunt's lingerie shop, Ruth's in RI. If you are in RI and need a bra, esp if you have any special needs, it's the place to go.

Now, I admit I have no interest in wearing a bra ALL the time. It's just not necessary, though I do worry about the weight of the silicone causing further sagging if I don't wear one. Then again, that would be perfectly natural for a woman my age. :P LOL. Still, the bigger issue is looking normal. Not that there are huge numbers of people that are ever going to see my Barbie boobs. But, it's for me. Obviously it is solely for me. It's the idea that if I were to change my clothing in a locker room, I wouldn't look glaringly like a Frankenstein version of Barbie since I otherwise look nothing like Barbie and no Barbie I've seen comes with horizontal scars across her chest.. but I bet someone will make one now that I've said that. It's so when I get dressed or take a shower at home and I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, I can forget.

Anyway, I took a look at this website (fixed link) . If you are very curious, take a look at the areola reconstruction photos. I'm thinking something like this just might do the trick. It creates an illusion with no permanent headlight issues (you did realize that there is no "off and on" when you have completely fake nipples, right?). I'm thinking this might be my answer.

I do also think that I need to take my time and not jump into a decision. It's not like chemo (which I delayed). It's not even like having my ooph (salpingo-oophorectomy = tube and ovary removal), which I also put off for a few months (the gyn wanted to do it right away, before chemo even.. as most of you know, I waited until after chemo and did it with the bilateral mastectomy). There's just no rush. It would be SOOOOOOOO nice to be done with everything. Reality check reveals that I will never be done with everything. I'll be taking drugs for at least the next 5 years. I'll be in some level of surveillance for the rest of my life. It's just how the cards played out. So, I'm going to try to take a deep breath, relax, and think about it all some more.