Well, maybe not in a BarbieWorld. However, according to the evidence, I have become Barbie. :)
Rachel acquired some new Barbie dolls this Hanukkah.
She was careful to note the similarities between her Mommy and her Barbies in a way that perhaps only a 9 year old in a family where nothing is hidden could occur.
*Both Mommy and Barbie have breasts as hard as rocks.
*Both Mommy and Barbie have no nipples.
*Both Mommy and Barbie have breasts that do not move. (No jiggling but we can both fill out a T-shirt nicely these days)
*Both Mommy and Barbie have breasts that do not sag. (OK. That one is mine. 9 year olds don't know much about sagging)
*Both Mommy and Barbie do not need to wear a bra.
*Both Mommy and Barbie have hair that is removable. (Rachel says, "sad but true.")
*Both Mommy and Barbie have difficulty bending their knees (except for that special edition ballerina Barbie which is an older doll... the earlier edition Mommy could bend her knees and other joints with ease too)
*Both Mommy and Barbie cannot easily move their arms behind their head.
*Both Mommy and Barbie have hair that will melt if exposed to heat (I added that one myself :P)
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
More tales from the cancer chronicles
These are probably not funny. Might be amusing. Might not even be interesting.
I went back to work this week. Not only did I go back to work, but I did so in abundance. I worked 3 12 hour shifts, back to back. Yes, that is 36 hours straight.
I do have to say I am glad I did not go back any earlier. There are some physical limitations from having had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction with tissue expanders. As my faithful and not so faithful readers know, I'd been going to physical therapy for 2 months to build up my strength and range of motion so I'd be ready. There is most definitely a physical nature to obstetrics that I think most people either do not think about or just take for granted.
So, you are wondering what the most difficult part of returning to work was, I am sure. Was it a difficult vacuum extraction? Was it difficulty performing surgery? Was it the sheer boredom of working Christmas Eve and day with little to do? It was none of those things. Without a doubt, the most difficult task I encountered was putting on my mask. Yes, such a simple task was the most difficult task I had *during* my shift. I was able to do it (remember this requires putting both hands up behind my head), but it was not easy and was at the very limits of my range of motion. This was definitely NOT a motion we worked on in therapy and I'm betting it is not a motion that most people even try to do after this surgery... when they think they have regained a full range of motion.
You'll notice I said it was the most difficult task *during* my shifts. The next most difficult task came at the end. Getting that scrub top off was also not picnic. I nearly went and asked someone to help! I've been wearing medium sized scrubs for years and they are now quite enormous, both tops and bottoms. Glad I did not switch sizes yet though because there is no give or stretch in them whatsoever.
I went back to work this week. Not only did I go back to work, but I did so in abundance. I worked 3 12 hour shifts, back to back. Yes, that is 36 hours straight.
I do have to say I am glad I did not go back any earlier. There are some physical limitations from having had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction with tissue expanders. As my faithful and not so faithful readers know, I'd been going to physical therapy for 2 months to build up my strength and range of motion so I'd be ready. There is most definitely a physical nature to obstetrics that I think most people either do not think about or just take for granted.
So, you are wondering what the most difficult part of returning to work was, I am sure. Was it a difficult vacuum extraction? Was it difficulty performing surgery? Was it the sheer boredom of working Christmas Eve and day with little to do? It was none of those things. Without a doubt, the most difficult task I encountered was putting on my mask. Yes, such a simple task was the most difficult task I had *during* my shift. I was able to do it (remember this requires putting both hands up behind my head), but it was not easy and was at the very limits of my range of motion. This was definitely NOT a motion we worked on in therapy and I'm betting it is not a motion that most people even try to do after this surgery... when they think they have regained a full range of motion.
You'll notice I said it was the most difficult task *during* my shifts. The next most difficult task came at the end. Getting that scrub top off was also not picnic. I nearly went and asked someone to help! I've been wearing medium sized scrubs for years and they are now quite enormous, both tops and bottoms. Glad I did not switch sizes yet though because there is no give or stretch in them whatsoever.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Nutcracker Photos!
You'll have to indulge me. :)
I probably have 100 photos from the dress rehearsal. Plus, I'm waiting on a CD of photos from all the performances taken by someone with a better camera/equipment. I'll be nice and only put up a few. :) I was only able to take pictures at the dress rehearsal. I'm hoping the CD has better photos and more of Act 2 than I was able to get. Those bon-bons were usually moving too quickly for my camera in that light!
This first set is from Act 1, where Rachel appears as a little boy in the party scene. She's wearing a yellow bow tie. She is the center stage in the first photo, directly in front of the tree.
In Act 2, she was a bon-bon. These are from the dress rehearsal, so they are not wearing the bright red circles on their cheeks. The last one was taken in between performances, at the after show meet and greet with the performers.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Hair Raising or Raising Hair
I wonder when my obsession with my hair will end. Will it be when it is a length I am comfortable with or is this a permanent affliction? With the new abundance of gray, it just might be a forever thing.
Who knows? I sure don't.
I've moved into the next stage. It's no longer just exceedingly short and more gray than I'd like. It's starting to do bizarre things. The back seems to be growing straight up. The top is growing into what might be loose curls eventually. The sides, however, are straight. If it continues this way, I am sure I will bear a resemblance to a french poodle in no time.
The top photo was taken on December 1. The second is from December 15.
I do believe these answer the question I am often asked, "Will you be keeping your hair short after this?" And, I think it shows why I still wear my wig more often than not when I go out!
On the other hand, two weeks does make a huge difference, as you can see above. Just hoping I won't actually look like a poodle in 2 more weeks!!
Who knows? I sure don't.
I would have thought I might be over it by now. But then, a little something happens. I noticed a few days ago that it was almost time to get my eyebrows waxed again. A sign of hope! Then, this morning, eyebrow hairs just start falling. Yup. You read it first here. It's been 4 and a half months since the last time chemotherapy coursed through these veins. At least this time, I know (or at least I fervently try to believe) that they will not all fall out. {fingers and toes crossed on that one!!!!}
Now, on to the hair on my head.I've moved into the next stage. It's no longer just exceedingly short and more gray than I'd like. It's starting to do bizarre things. The back seems to be growing straight up. The top is growing into what might be loose curls eventually. The sides, however, are straight. If it continues this way, I am sure I will bear a resemblance to a french poodle in no time.
The top photo was taken on December 1. The second is from December 15.
I do believe these answer the question I am often asked, "Will you be keeping your hair short after this?" And, I think it shows why I still wear my wig more often than not when I go out!
On the other hand, two weeks does make a huge difference, as you can see above. Just hoping I won't actually look like a poodle in 2 more weeks!!
Friday, December 15, 2006
What Not To Wear
Someone needs to nominate me for this show.
Seriously.
I need Stacey and Clinton to come out and help me empty out my closet.
Or maybe those people from one of those decluttering shows.
I have an interview today. A job interview. I have not had to dress nicely for an interview in the winter or anything else in ages. Nothing I pulled out worked. It was all too big (a good thing) and/or hopelessly out of date. I compromised with black pants and a newer sweater set.
I have a closet full to the brim with clothing. Sadly, some of it dates back 20 yrs. I need to learn to let go of these things. And I need new clothing!!! It's frustrating bc I can't shop yet. I still have expanders in and won't be my new size until after my next surgery. Because of work and probably because of insurance issues, that won't happen for at least another 6 weeks. Plus, there's all that swelling that I STILL have on the sides.
I need to cheer up. I need a good shopping spree and a nice empty closet to put everything in. And the money to do so. Hence, the interview today.
Seriously.
I need Stacey and Clinton to come out and help me empty out my closet.
Or maybe those people from one of those decluttering shows.
I have an interview today. A job interview. I have not had to dress nicely for an interview in the winter or anything else in ages. Nothing I pulled out worked. It was all too big (a good thing) and/or hopelessly out of date. I compromised with black pants and a newer sweater set.
I have a closet full to the brim with clothing. Sadly, some of it dates back 20 yrs. I need to learn to let go of these things. And I need new clothing!!! It's frustrating bc I can't shop yet. I still have expanders in and won't be my new size until after my next surgery. Because of work and probably because of insurance issues, that won't happen for at least another 6 weeks. Plus, there's all that swelling that I STILL have on the sides.
I need to cheer up. I need a good shopping spree and a nice empty closet to put everything in. And the money to do so. Hence, the interview today.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
A Little Perspective, Please
I don't have much in that department.
This is the body we are talking about. OK. It's just me. You are probably not talking about my body. Or maybe you are. :P
Some of you have been with me through the whole thinking positive bit about mastectomy and reconstruction.. that I'm going to have much smaller, perkier, Barbie-like boobs. You've seen and heard me lament about ending up bigger than I thought or hoped I would be. You've seen and heard me talk about looking forward to wearing tops that don't require a bra for the first time since I was 9 or 10.
I admit I had absolutely no desire to be reconstructed to the size that I once was. I'm not sure any plastic surgeon would have or could have done so anyway. I was a candidate for a reduction pre-mastectomy. Implants don't come in sizes that large. And even if they do, they are not or would be considered realistic. Kind of funny because what I had was real!
Why am I going through this discussion? It's because I'm working the front of the house for the Nutcracker today. I needed to put something on a little nicer than my normal jeans and a plain shirt. I pulled out a velour top and pants that I have worn many winters for dressier events. The pants were a little snug last year. Happy to report that they are not at all. They are actually loose! Yahoo! I may have regained some of the weight I lost but not all. The problem came when I put the top on. It used to be a little snug too. I didn't wear this outfit last winter bc I felt like a beached whale in it. I put on the top and Rachel laughed at me. It's HUGE! It just hangs. Doees absolutely nothing for me. I wonder if it ever did.
I know I should be happy about finding that my clothing is too big. I know I've talked so much about looking forward to buying new clothes. It's not even finished but it is a WHOLE NEW BODY. I should be pleased but I don't have anything to wear!!!!!
This is the body we are talking about. OK. It's just me. You are probably not talking about my body. Or maybe you are. :P
Some of you have been with me through the whole thinking positive bit about mastectomy and reconstruction.. that I'm going to have much smaller, perkier, Barbie-like boobs. You've seen and heard me lament about ending up bigger than I thought or hoped I would be. You've seen and heard me talk about looking forward to wearing tops that don't require a bra for the first time since I was 9 or 10.
I admit I had absolutely no desire to be reconstructed to the size that I once was. I'm not sure any plastic surgeon would have or could have done so anyway. I was a candidate for a reduction pre-mastectomy. Implants don't come in sizes that large. And even if they do, they are not or would be considered realistic. Kind of funny because what I had was real!
Why am I going through this discussion? It's because I'm working the front of the house for the Nutcracker today. I needed to put something on a little nicer than my normal jeans and a plain shirt. I pulled out a velour top and pants that I have worn many winters for dressier events. The pants were a little snug last year. Happy to report that they are not at all. They are actually loose! Yahoo! I may have regained some of the weight I lost but not all. The problem came when I put the top on. It used to be a little snug too. I didn't wear this outfit last winter bc I felt like a beached whale in it. I put on the top and Rachel laughed at me. It's HUGE! It just hangs. Doees absolutely nothing for me. I wonder if it ever did.
I know I should be happy about finding that my clothing is too big. I know I've talked so much about looking forward to buying new clothes. It's not even finished but it is a WHOLE NEW BODY. I should be pleased but I don't have anything to wear!!!!!
Friday, December 08, 2006
I did it again!
Maybe that title is not quite correct.
It might not be "again." We might want to count this as a first time.
I went out without my wig.
Not just a little drive in the car "out" like I do often when I drive Rachel to school. I always wear a hat then anyway. Not a taking my wig off once I got somewhere comfortable. Not going into NYC and keeping a hat of some sort on my head all day like I did at the NYC Marathon last month. It doesn't matter what your hair looks like in NYC. No one will give you a pitiful look bc there are people that either shave their heads or wear it super short or even pink on purpose in NYC all over the place.
This was an actual trip into the car and out of it without a wig at all. I took Rachel to school and then went to physical therapy without a wig OR a hat. Yes, it is about 25 degrees out so I did wear a hat outside, but once inside, I went wig-less and hat-less. I feel like Wonder Woman again! Maybe I'll wear those PJs tonight.
Not sure if I ever shared this on the blog, but I bought myself Wonder Woman PJs to wear for after my surgery in Sept. I bought them in the juniors dept at Kohls, something else I was proud of bc of the weight loss I had before I was diagnosed. Unfortunately, I forgot I'd be smaller on top and the top is HUGE now. LOL.
Anyway, back to the story. I went to PT and got tons of compliments on how long my hair is now and how cute it is. It really does NOT feel cute. Maybe it's one of those things I'll look back on and think it actually was cute. I am truly looking forward (I do that a lot, don't I? always looking forward) to being able to look back and decide for myself on the cuteness factor. I think it could be cute with another inch or so. Even another 1/2 inch might help so I could put a little gel or mousse in. I saw a woman at the gym today with a very cute shorter haircut and found myself wondering how long it would be until my hair would be that long. I'm thinking not at least until the summer. I'm also thinking that perhaps in January, I will start going wigless on a regular basis. Maybe.
Also about PT.. I finally went back, obviously. I've not gone for a good three weeks, maybe more. We went on vacation. Then, there was that humongous bill (not as big as the incorrect surgery bill) bc the hospital billed it incorrectly. Didn't want to go until that was straightened out. Then there were all the aches and pains I had and still have that we now know is from the medication I take to keep my estrogen deprived (helps keep the cancer from making an encore appearance... didn't like this show.. no need for an encore, thank you). Lots of excuses. I have made the not so startling discovery that if I keep moving, not only do my joints not hurt, but I feel better. I am in a 100000000x better mood having worked out for 90 minutes today than I have been in a few weeks. I have to force myself to create the time and do this not just for my long term physical health (decreases the recurrence rates, helps prevent osteoporosis which is so important now that I am in menopause, and helps to decrease heart disease which is something else I'm prone to by family history... and what kills MORE women than anything else!!). My mental health definitely depends on exercise too. With figuring out that I need to keep moving, I've lost 2 of the 10 lbs I've gained since diagnosis (most of it since the surgery). :) Not a bad thing either!
This is Nutcracker weekend. Nutcracker all weekend long... and then it is done. :) Rachel actually does not have rehearsal today, so we are going carolling at a nursing home with some school friends this afternoon. While I am feeling a bit like Wonder Woman, I don't think I'm going to "bare it" at either event. It really is too cold!
It might not be "again." We might want to count this as a first time.
I went out without my wig.
Not just a little drive in the car "out" like I do often when I drive Rachel to school. I always wear a hat then anyway. Not a taking my wig off once I got somewhere comfortable. Not going into NYC and keeping a hat of some sort on my head all day like I did at the NYC Marathon last month. It doesn't matter what your hair looks like in NYC. No one will give you a pitiful look bc there are people that either shave their heads or wear it super short or even pink on purpose in NYC all over the place.
This was an actual trip into the car and out of it without a wig at all. I took Rachel to school and then went to physical therapy without a wig OR a hat. Yes, it is about 25 degrees out so I did wear a hat outside, but once inside, I went wig-less and hat-less. I feel like Wonder Woman again! Maybe I'll wear those PJs tonight.
Not sure if I ever shared this on the blog, but I bought myself Wonder Woman PJs to wear for after my surgery in Sept. I bought them in the juniors dept at Kohls, something else I was proud of bc of the weight loss I had before I was diagnosed. Unfortunately, I forgot I'd be smaller on top and the top is HUGE now. LOL.
Anyway, back to the story. I went to PT and got tons of compliments on how long my hair is now and how cute it is. It really does NOT feel cute. Maybe it's one of those things I'll look back on and think it actually was cute. I am truly looking forward (I do that a lot, don't I? always looking forward) to being able to look back and decide for myself on the cuteness factor. I think it could be cute with another inch or so. Even another 1/2 inch might help so I could put a little gel or mousse in. I saw a woman at the gym today with a very cute shorter haircut and found myself wondering how long it would be until my hair would be that long. I'm thinking not at least until the summer. I'm also thinking that perhaps in January, I will start going wigless on a regular basis. Maybe.
Also about PT.. I finally went back, obviously. I've not gone for a good three weeks, maybe more. We went on vacation. Then, there was that humongous bill (not as big as the incorrect surgery bill) bc the hospital billed it incorrectly. Didn't want to go until that was straightened out. Then there were all the aches and pains I had and still have that we now know is from the medication I take to keep my estrogen deprived (helps keep the cancer from making an encore appearance... didn't like this show.. no need for an encore, thank you). Lots of excuses. I have made the not so startling discovery that if I keep moving, not only do my joints not hurt, but I feel better. I am in a 100000000x better mood having worked out for 90 minutes today than I have been in a few weeks. I have to force myself to create the time and do this not just for my long term physical health (decreases the recurrence rates, helps prevent osteoporosis which is so important now that I am in menopause, and helps to decrease heart disease which is something else I'm prone to by family history... and what kills MORE women than anything else!!). My mental health definitely depends on exercise too. With figuring out that I need to keep moving, I've lost 2 of the 10 lbs I've gained since diagnosis (most of it since the surgery). :) Not a bad thing either!
This is Nutcracker weekend. Nutcracker all weekend long... and then it is done. :) Rachel actually does not have rehearsal today, so we are going carolling at a nursing home with some school friends this afternoon. While I am feeling a bit like Wonder Woman, I don't think I'm going to "bare it" at either event. It really is too cold!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
More on Pantene's Beautiful Lengths
Stef was right. I was a celebrity.
I went early to pick Rachel up from school on Monday so that I could stop in at the hair cutting event. As I walked down the hallway, I had lots of waves and heard "hi Rachel's mom!" several times. Before I could get down the hallway to the barn, I was surrounded by a group of second grade girls. They were so cute. Some wanted to show off their adorable new haircuts and tell me how much hair they donated. Some had some follow up questions to our assembly last week. One needed to clarify something that I found very interesting. She was afraid that because I still wear a wig that I still have breast cancer. I reminded her that my hair was growing back because I finished the chemotherapy that killed any cancer cells that were left, but it was still very, very short, so I'm still wearing my wig for a little while. I also explained to them that, no, I would not be able to get a wig from their hair (this brought tears to my eyes!) because by the time their hair is made into a wig, I won't need one anymore.
When I left, there were 15 hair donations. Plus the two middle school teachers who had their heads (and one mustache) shaved. The kids raised over $2000 to see that happen, well over the $500 goal. Don't know the totals from the bake sale or the still on-going pizza sale this week. I am so proud of all involved. Pantene's Beautiful Lengths is a program so dear to my heart. They do need more publicity. It seems that everyone we know has heard of Locks for Love, but no one's heard of this program before now. I spoke with a mom at dance just this week who was so sad to hear this. Her dd's hair was not long enough for Locks but would have been long enough for Pantene. I also would have donated my own hair when it was cut in preparation to fall out. No need for it to go to waste.
Currently, my hair is really in an awkward stage. Still painfully short but it is starting to curl. The front is straight as can be, but the back and sides are starting to stick up in odd directions. I think with another 1/2 inch, I'll be able to create something half way decent with a little gel or mousse or something.
I've been playing hookey as much as I can from all things medical, except for CMEs. LOL! That's continuing medical education credits for the non-medical folks. It's the end of the year and I did not keep up with earning credits this summer, so I've been playing catch up the last two weeks with on-line programs. I've also been playing hookey from PT. With all the aches and pains that I've been having, and then with the billing mix-up (hospital billed the insurance incorrectly so I ended up with a big fat bill!), I haven't been back in over 2 weeks. The aches and pains have now been officially attributed to Arimidex, the medication I take to keep my body estrogen starved. I did start exercising and stretching on my own again this week and now know it doesn't change the pains at all . I actually helps while I'm moving, as long as I am in motion, it's ok. It's going from beign sedentary to being in motion that hurts the most. So it's time to go back. Especially before my insurance changes on Jan 1 and we have to begin the approval process all over again!
I went early to pick Rachel up from school on Monday so that I could stop in at the hair cutting event. As I walked down the hallway, I had lots of waves and heard "hi Rachel's mom!" several times. Before I could get down the hallway to the barn, I was surrounded by a group of second grade girls. They were so cute. Some wanted to show off their adorable new haircuts and tell me how much hair they donated. Some had some follow up questions to our assembly last week. One needed to clarify something that I found very interesting. She was afraid that because I still wear a wig that I still have breast cancer. I reminded her that my hair was growing back because I finished the chemotherapy that killed any cancer cells that were left, but it was still very, very short, so I'm still wearing my wig for a little while. I also explained to them that, no, I would not be able to get a wig from their hair (this brought tears to my eyes!) because by the time their hair is made into a wig, I won't need one anymore.
When I left, there were 15 hair donations. Plus the two middle school teachers who had their heads (and one mustache) shaved. The kids raised over $2000 to see that happen, well over the $500 goal. Don't know the totals from the bake sale or the still on-going pizza sale this week. I am so proud of all involved. Pantene's Beautiful Lengths is a program so dear to my heart. They do need more publicity. It seems that everyone we know has heard of Locks for Love, but no one's heard of this program before now. I spoke with a mom at dance just this week who was so sad to hear this. Her dd's hair was not long enough for Locks but would have been long enough for Pantene. I also would have donated my own hair when it was cut in preparation to fall out. No need for it to go to waste.
Currently, my hair is really in an awkward stage. Still painfully short but it is starting to curl. The front is straight as can be, but the back and sides are starting to stick up in odd directions. I think with another 1/2 inch, I'll be able to create something half way decent with a little gel or mousse or something.
I've been playing hookey as much as I can from all things medical, except for CMEs. LOL! That's continuing medical education credits for the non-medical folks. It's the end of the year and I did not keep up with earning credits this summer, so I've been playing catch up the last two weeks with on-line programs. I've also been playing hookey from PT. With all the aches and pains that I've been having, and then with the billing mix-up (hospital billed the insurance incorrectly so I ended up with a big fat bill!), I haven't been back in over 2 weeks. The aches and pains have now been officially attributed to Arimidex, the medication I take to keep my body estrogen starved. I did start exercising and stretching on my own again this week and now know it doesn't change the pains at all . I actually helps while I'm moving, as long as I am in motion, it's ok. It's going from beign sedentary to being in motion that hurts the most. So it's time to go back. Especially before my insurance changes on Jan 1 and we have to begin the approval process all over again!
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