So, what are you getting for Valentine's Day?

Some women get flowers.

I've certainly been given flowers for Valentine's Day.


Some women get candy.

Yup. I've been given candy, although at my current post-recovery weight, I think I prefer flowers.


Some women get jewelry.

I wear a diamond encrusted heart around my neck that was once a Valentine's Day gift.


And, of course, we can't forget cards.

Cards are very important in this household. :)


This year, however, will see something new and different for Valentine's Day in our home. This year, I'll be getting my new body. On Feb 13, I'll be going back into the hospital for what's called an exchange surgery. These rather large bricks (aka tissue expanders) that I've been carrying around on my chest for the last few months will be replaced by lovely, pliable, softer and SMALLER silicone implants. Hurray!

The Details.

It's a same day surgery this time. I'm scheduled for the afternoon, so I should be home later that evening. As the second place record holder in my plastic surgeon's practice for requiring drains, I have been told that I will, without question, come home with drains again. That stinks. But seromas (a post op complication) are worse. Normally, the drains would be in for 3-5 days. With me, there are no predictions. LOL. Personally, I'm aiming for no more than a week and fervently hoping for that 3-5 day bit!

Drains are supposed to mean no driving (yeah, yeah.. I started driving with one drain left last time despite that because I was already a month out!!!!). I will attempt to abide by that rule this time as long as we don't hit the one month range again. This means I'll be lining up drivers for Rachel for the days after surgery. Fortunately, we are near President's Day weekend as well, so there are fewer school days and even fewer dance class days.

I'll also be getting liposuction during this surgery. Who would have ever thought? LOL. It's not as exciting as it sounds. I have a lot of tissue on both sides of my chest that needs to be removed. This will add to the discomfort of the procedure. If I were just having the exchange, I suspect I would not feel much afterwards at all. My incisions are perfectly numb. My sides are rather numb too, but not as much. I may feel bruised and beat up. Or maybe not.

I'll be out of work about again 4-5 weeks. I was told no delivering babies for a month, so definitely 4 weeks. No more lifting either during that time. Not like I've been doing much lifting anyway, but I am back up to 5 lb weights on each side when I work out and I've still been working on strengthening my arms with the Therabands (stretchy bands of plastic). This, and the no driving part are what I am dreading. If there's anything I learned in September, it's that I cannot handle losing my independence for a prolonged period of time. Just not a WonderWoman thing to do, you know!

As far as my body, the surgeon is not sure what cup size I'll end up being. It is hard to tell these things because everyone's body is different. I know women who have 400cc implants and are B or even C cups. I had 400 cc in my expanders when I woke up from the mastectomies and I was not even an A cup! It might have been, but with the size of the expanders, those 400 cc were pretty spread out and looked like nothing. I was told yesterday that I actually have 850 cc in each expander now (not quite a liter). Pretty impressive. Even more so when I know that this is smaller than I was before surgery. LOL. I did try old bras on recently and I don't fill a DD and a D is a little big too. So, I'm guessing that I'll end up a C with the 650 cc silicone implants (Mentor, round, high profile... for my cancer gal friends). This is important for several reasons. The obvious is that it is my new body. :) My clothes already do not fit the way they once did. I need to send probably 80% of my closet to Goodwill at this point. The next reason is a very strange one. At least, it's VERY strange for me. As a D to DD girl, depending on the bra, I've ALWAYS worn a bra. Probably should have slept with one on and I did do that during pregnancy and a good part of nursing afterwards. Since the powerhouse surgery event in September, I stopped wearing a bra as soon as I was able to dump the surgical bra. Yes. You read that right. No bras at all. Probably not shocking for some people, but in my family, for me, it's the most bizarre thing on the planet. Even more bizarre than being diagnosed with breast cancer. I've been told that I will need to start wearing a bra on a very regular basis while the implants settle into their proper place. Oh well. All I can say is that I had better be able to find some cute and pretty ones. The kind that don't come in a DD. And colors. I want color. Not white and blush (aka nude). Pink, blue, lime green. COLOR!!



So, that's the big update. I have 2 weeks to get ready. Not much time at all. I need to get myself back into the getting ready for surgery mode. Need to get the house back into some semblance of order (that's a recuring theme around here). Need to make sure Rachel is taken care of. Need to get some dinners lined up (ok, so Howie will take care of that). Need to finish organizing Rachel's bday party. Need to figure out what else I have to get done! LOL

Wonder Woman!

I have to admit it. I live a good part of my life these days in denial.

I have been waiting and waiting for this next surgery. I cannot wait to have these brick hard expanders out and have the allegedly much more comfortable silicone implants placed.

Yet, for all of that, I have not done all my research. Yes, I know all about the different sizes, shapes and even textures of the implants on the market, both research products and commercially available implants. I even know how the procedure is done. No big deal. What I don't have a good handle on is recovery.

I've read the message boards. I know everyone says "it's a breeze compared to mastectomy." Well, sure it's a breeze. Probably 90%, maybe more, of surgeries are easier to recover from than what I had done. I believe myself to be Wonder Woman (remember those PJs I bought? LOL), so I always believe things are not going to affect me as much. And then, my belief system is shot to hell when I learn that I am not Wonder Woman. I am simply human and my body needs to recover just like everyone else. I end up disappointed and frustrated with the speed (lack there of) of my physical recovery.

So, this time around, I'm really trying to anticipate as much as I can. I am not going to be WonderWoman. (Yes, you can remind me of this when I whine about how long it's taking to be normal again). I am not going to assume that I will recover faster than the norm. I'm looking for the norm. Whatever that is. Trying to figure out how long until I can drive. Will I have drains? OK, he probably can't tell that until the actual surgery. Were's my crystal ball??? I want to know TODAY. How long until things settle down and I can really start buying new clothes? How long until I can go back to work? That one is such a hard question and drives me nuts! Going back to work is so important on so many levels. It's part of what defines me. Being out of work makes me feel like a patient. Maybe I became a doctor so I didn't have to be a patient. I don't know. LOL. When I went back to work, both after chemo and after the bilateral mastectomy and the rest, it felt like my recovery was over, or at least almost over. It's something I need on more than just the financial level. Trust me, with 6 months of no income and then with the cut back in hours once I did go back... there's a big financial need too! But, there's that psychological need too. It's just not a cut and dry issue. Obstetrics is not a desk job. There's a physical nature most people take for granted. Until my surgery in September, I took it for granted too. There's a degree of physical strength needed. If there are no lifting restrictions in place, then there are things I cannot do. It's hard because these are things that are not necessarily needed everyday, but you never know.

So, there you have it.

The good news is that I see my plastic surgeon today. The bad news is that he does not have all the answers. Only time will tell for some of this. I am hoping to leave the office today with a much clearer concept of a surgery date instead of this nebulous "in the future" bit!

What you've been waiting for

Here they are, at long last. The physical evidence that my life is trying to return to normal. The new normal.

The first photo was taken in very late December on my dd's camera. It's actually the second digital camera we bought probably in 1999. Rachel loves it, but technology has come a long way since then. This is the length my hair was when I gave up the wig at the request of my dh and dd. The photo could use some major editing, but then again, so could I. LOL!

And now, just about three weeks later, this is my hair. I am getting the hang of taming it down to some degree. Rachel insisted we share front and back views. Not sure you can really appreciate the texture on screen. Definitely curlier than I expected.

When I first found out I was going to be doing chemotherapy, I played a game anytime I went out, "spot the bald women." Until I became a nursing mom, I never, or at least rarely noticed women breastfeeding in public. Then, I became a nursing mom and saw women nursing everywhere. I thought maybe the same phenomenon might apply to being bald. Yes, occasionally you see an obvious cancer patient walking around, but just how often is that? Amazingly enough, my first trip out to the supermarket resulting in several spottings. It somehow brought me a little comfort to be able to pick these women out. That brings me to my new game. I'm always looking for women with even shorter hair than I have. LOL! What's odd is that I am now always wondering if they are wearing their hair this way on purpose or not. I suspect the vast majority are doing it on purpose. Not me. I may never go back to hair as long as you see in my profile picture (which, incidentally, was taken about a month before diagnosis), but it certainly will not stay this short.

And it keeps growing!

And that is a very good thing, indeed!!!

Reactions to the new look are improving.

I had lunch with a friend last week who asked if I had gotten a hair cut. :o Seriously. LOL! Another mom at dd's school asked if I had had it styled. I suppose it has finally grown in enough to look like I did this on purpose. :)

More evidence.
We went to my neice's first birthday party yesterday. My father actually asked me if I was wearing wig or if this was my hair. LOL. Dad, wigs don't come with gray hair. They are either all gray or not at all from what I have seen. And trust me, I've looked at more wigs in person, on-line and in catalogs than I have ever wanted. Dad does have this blog address now, so he might even read that. :)

My aunt said that I "look like a doctor now." Hmmm... what did I look like before? I've been a doctor for 13+ years (wow! first time I added that up) and I didn't look like one before? LOL! I think it was a polite way to say I look older.

And on that note (the doctor note), my sister said when I walked in, she thought I did look just like Dr. Pam Formica. She was our family physician from the time I was 2 and was my mother's primary physician until the day she died (mom, not Pam). You know what? My sister is right.

It's still curly, but it is somehow easier to manage with a few more millimeters of growth. I'm still not a short-haired gal. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I know I won't be content until it's at least a few inches longer. Maybe I'll miss these somewhat carefree days of toweling my hair dry and not needing to brush it. Somehow, I doubt it! :)




I know. I know. You want to see. At least some of you do.
I promise to not only take a new photo, but download it to the computer this week. The same week when my camera died, the card reader broke as well (I think that happened first). My camera has come home from Nikon safe and sound and looking better than ever. And, we have a new card reader. All systems are go. This week. I promise. :)

Happy stuff

My camera has returned home!!!! Good as new. :D
I'm sure I'll have pics to post next week.

My CHA projects are done and enroute. :D That's a scrapbooking related comment for my non-scrapper friends. There's an industry show coming up very soon and I finished making samples for a scrapbook manufacturer. So, even though I don't get to go to Anaheim this month, some of my photos, layouts, cards and other assorted things will. Hmm.. I think I'd rather go. LOL! Well, there's always the next one in Chicago in the summer.... maybe.

We are fighting some kind of a bug here. At least I am. If it weren't for that, I'm feeling pretty good this week. So, it's still a happy thing. The hands are much better for longer periods of time, another good thing. I see the plastic surgeon in 10 days, so I'm starting to feel like maybe there is a light at the end of the expander tunnel. The only thing that is not going well this week, aside from this bug, is exercise. Just not getting it done this week. And when I don't exercise, I gain weight. I WILL feel up to it next week. Or else. LOL

Even better, my dh is home tonight. Usually it's me who's not home. It's very strange when he's gone. It only happens about once a year, but I'm glad it's over tonight.

This and that

I know. I'm neglecting my blog again.

It's not because I've been too busy. It's not because I've had nothing to say. More avoidance than anything. I don't like to post when I'm feeling negative day after day. I probably should though. It's cheap therapy.

So, the hair... Here's where I am at. I've decided it's not good straight at this length. It's also not good with wild curls. It seems best (and still not good) when I tame the curls a bit with product. It doesn't seem to matter what product, anything will do. The basic, bare bones fact is that I do not like the way I look with short hair. Period. I don't think that is going to change. I do, however, love how easy it is. It dries pretty quickly. Not as quickly as it did a few weeks ago when I could run a towel over it and it would be dry. But, it does not take nearly as long to dry as it did this time last year. Got to find that half full glass somewhere!

So, the negative stuff... I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I am. Can't change that reality. I realize that when I was diagnosed and going through the more active treatment phase, I clung very tightly to the positive. I refused to see the scary part- that I HAD cancer and cancer does kill people. I've said it many times. I thought it was going to be a little bump in the road. Then came chemo. Not a bump in the road, but a pothole. But once it was over, life was going to continue on just like it did. And it is. The only problem is that I'm not driving the same car and I think there was a detour along the way that happened while I was sleeping. This does not feel like the same body. My joints creak and ache. Sometimes, I don't even have to move to feel the pains. It can happen while I am lying in bed. Speaking of bed, I still cannot sleep in my most comfortable positions. I can lie tilted towards the left, but not fully on my side. I cannot lie on my right side at all because of the expander placement. I definitely have a preference for sleeping on my left.. and I would sleep on my belly if I could, but there's no way. Not with solid tissue expanders on my chest. Sometimes lying on my back doesn't even work well. I'm probably cranky from the lack of sleep. Last night was one of those nights when my muscles decided to stay contracted so tightly that even my back was knotted up. It feels like a too tight bra that needs to come off. Someday....

So, now I need to balance my complaining with some positive things.
I called Nikon this morning and my camera has been repaired!!! It's not on the way home yet, but it should be packed and shipped this afternoon. :D Huge grin! Keeping my fingers crossed tightly that it will be home by Friday so I can have it for the weeked. It's the BIG RED FREAKOUT! It's the one time almost every year when dh and I (and Rachel too) return to our alma mater (where we met). We went to a college with good hockey team (as in NCAA div 1 champs while we were there). This is possibly the equivalent of homecoming at your more typical colleges and universities. The next day is my neice's first birthday party. I definitely need my camera to update our photo. I have so much more hair than Hannah does now. :D

I'm also actively tracking a UPS delivery today. I have a 5 lb box of scrapbooking supplies coming my way today by overnight delivery. The website now says "out for delivery." Never a bad thing. :) It does mean that I will spend the next few days doing a little scrapping and then ship it off for CHA (the Craft and Hobby Association winter trade show which is about a week and a half away). It's also a guarantee that I will post some pages and/or cards soon.

No scrapping tonight though. Rachel and I are going the Rutgers U womens basketball game tonight. Yes, on a school night. She caught me in a weak moment. I'm forever saying no to these things. It bugs me endlessly that her teachers set these things up on a school night and then give those that attend no homework. I feel like I am paying for my dd to get out of homework for a night. Add to that, it is a school night and Rachel does not settle down to sleep easily. The game doesn't start until 7:30pm. Her bed time is 8pm because it really takes her another hour to get washed and ready to sleep. It's pretty much the same whether she goes to bed early or late. It takes her a good hour to settle down, no matter what's going on beforehand. Oh well. We'll go. We'll have fun. And we'll leave before it is over! LOL

That also means I need to get off the computer and down to the gym while I have the time!

The Me Nobody Knows

The reaction to my new look has been a bit underwhelming.

No kidding.

The first day, I picked Rachel up at school and no one said a word. Not an adult. Not a single child. We did manage to get out of there pretty quickly (tight schedule on Wednesdays), so maybe that had something to do with it. I'm not sure.

Next, I dropped Rachel off at dance. One of her teachers complimented me on my new chic haircut. :) The studio manager, who did know I had been wearing a wig, also paid me a compliment. No one else said a word and no one said a word on Friday either.

Then, I headed off to work. After a pretty uneventful reveal so far, I thought this would be where the most reactions would come in. Nope. Not much of a reaction at all. Want to know why? It turns out people simply do not recognize me like this!

It's happened several times since then. People just do not recognize me like this.

I do sometimes get a reaction once they realize who I am. Maybe some people are afraid to say something.

I have to say it is not good for my self esteem. I feel invisible (not a bad thing at times) and unattractive. I hate my hair like this and would never chose to wear it this short on purpose. My camera is in Nikon's intensive care unit (aka at Nikon for servicing) so I can't share a picture. My description will have to suffice. I am ever so happy that it is growing back quickly. However, it is growing back in all directions at once! The top curls up and over towards one side. The back curls mostly up. And I don't mean the bottom of the back. I mean most of the hair on the back of my head is growing up instead of down!! There's a section on the right side of my head that is growing normally- down. But the rest of the right side is curling either back or up and out! The left side is doing something completely different. Part is curling up and back, part is curling forwards. It's all just one curly mess! Hair products, you say? I've now tried with and without gel and mousse. Have not tried them together. I don't think it makes much of a difference at this point. It's a mess whether I try to accentuate the curls or if I try to flatten it down. Especially the latter.

So that's where I am.

I suppose it will take time to get used to it. Me AND everyone else!

New Year, New Hair

As promised to my daughter and husband, I've started the New Year out bare. I am giving up my wig. Not without some resistance, mind you. I miss it already! It was so easy. It's always styled, always colored perfectly. Not a strand of gray. I could put it on without even having taken a shower and I'd look good. :P

I am NOT a short haired gal. It's just not me. But, even dh, who used to hold on to older photos of me with short hair to remind me NOT to get my hair cut too short, keeps insisting I don't need a wig or a hat of any sort anymore.

So.. this is it.

The big moment.

I'm minutes away from my first big public appearance. I'm going to pick Rachel up from school. Ever since I did that assembly, I get questions from the kids (usually the 1st and 2nd graders) at least twice a week. I am so anxious. I know it's silly. It's just hair. But imagine for a moment what it is like to lose all your hair.. all of it.. even the little hairs on your arms and the all important hair inside your nose. It all comes back and does not need much help, except of course, the hair on your head. It's part of who we are. It's the image you show to the world. I admit to hiding behind my long hair, especially that long, perfectly styled wig. That's who I became. For some reason, I don't associate it with a bad, horrible time in my life. I suppose it's because I'm still living that time. I concentrated so very hard on the positive throughout treatment that perhaps it was inevitable for the anxiety and the negatives to rise up into my consciousness. I'm also still in the middle of reclaiming my body. My new body, that is. I have 2 more surgeries to go, but they seem so far away still. I am digressing again! LOL

Back to the topic. I'm going to pick Rachel up at school, where pretty much everyone, at least most of the younger kids, know that I've been wearing a wig. Then, I'll take her to dance, where next to no one knows I've had cancer and wear a wig. After that, it will be off to work. I'm guessing half the people I interact with know what I've been through recently. Then, tomorrow, I have an interview at my old stomping grounds.. where some know and I suppose some do not. So...... this should be interesting!

Wish me luck!