It's a little bit more than 6 months since the last time chemo drugs ran through my veins.
Something interesting just happened for the very first time since that day, sparking this post. :P
I'll start with normal hair biology. :)
Normally, in a world without chemotherapy, about 90% of your hair is in some phase of the growth cycle. 10% is in the resting state. The hair that rests usually falls out after 2-3 months.. or so they say. It's perfectly normal to lose 50-100 hairs from your head a day. Sounds like a tremendous amount, but trust me, it's nothing compared to what happens when your hair releases after that first dose of chemo.
So, as my faithful readers know, my hair started to grow back in late September. The only early hair growth photo is the one from the Martha Stewart show outing here. I've seen photos of others hair growth and it isn't always the way mine went. ALL my hair grew back at once. Even when it was just a few angstroms long, it was all the same length and pretty much covered my entire head. Maybe it's a reflection of just how thick my hair has always been or a reflection of how fast it grows. It seemed like forever, but now it's growing like a weed again. Definitely more than the under a half inch a month norm. What's interesting is that I have not had the normal shedding at all. Not one bit. Trust me. I check for this! LOL. My hair has just been growing and growing. Not a hair in the shower. Not a hair on the towel. Nothing. Then, today, while sitting here, scratching my head, A HAIR FELL OUT!!!!
Yeah. I know. No big deal. People lose hair everyday. I said so myself. 50-100 hairs a day is normal. So, sue me. I'm an underachiever and happy to be one. Because my hair is still short and curly, I don't brush it. No need. I don't do anything to it except towel it dry. Don't need product anymore at all. It's just curly and that's it. After that one hair fell out, I ran my hands through my hair and at least 3 more fell out. I know, I know. Big deal.
But it is a big deal. This is normal. It's normal to lose a few hairs. It is NOT normal to have absolutely no hair shedding except in the immediate post-chemo world. It's moving further along on that highway out of Cancerville. :) OK. It's probably more of a slow, curvy rural road out of Cancerville. No matter. It's a way out and I'm on it and looking for the one-way signs!
Speaking of signs on the road out of Cancerville, here's one more. My nails. I didn't do taxol which is the agent known to really be horrendous on nails. Still, the chemo I did messed with my nails. It's the very nature of those sorts of drugs. Of course my nails stopped growing on chemotherapy. Cut them in June and didn't need to trim them again until sometime this fall. Medically, you can make a few diagnoses by looking at nails. It's something I was fascinated with once upon a time. It's something else I've been watching closely. I didn't notice any changes until my nails started growing. Once that happened, it was clear that my nails had changed color. It's subtle. You have to be looking to see it. The "bad" brownish pink color now just makes up the upper fifth of the pink part of my nails. Everything below that is a nice healthy pink. :) Soon, you won't be able to see that there was anything wrong at all. There will be no signs that there was once chemotherapy coursing through my veins.. at least not in my nails.
I think we are overdue for some photos. I had Rachel snap some before photos the day before the exchange surgery. We'll have to do a before and after shot so I can post a before, middle and after comparison. Probably should have taken progressive photos during the expander process. Didn't think of it until now. It might have been fun to watch my chest grow and then deflate in stop action. LOL!
Another day, another mile out from Cancerville. :)
Oh yes.. going to head to a sporting goods store in search of that zip up sports bra. Nordies didn't have it here. :) Visiting the local breast cancer resource center on Monday for a fitting to see if they have anything that will help too.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The new girls and tales from my shopping trip
I know I've talked a very optomistic talk about how wonderful it was going to be to have cute little perky breasts. Always looking for the silver lining, what else could I do?
There are a realities about the new girls that I think perhaps those who don't live or visit Cancerville don't know. While they don't sag and don't move like the real thing, they also don't have sensation. If I close my eyes, I cannot tell whether someone is touching me or not. No sensation whatsoever. Imagine that. They also have no nipples. Huge longitudinal scars. They look like the real thing under clothing but only somewhat resemble breasts when I take my shirt off. They are not permanent. The manufacturer says to expect to need to replace them someday. Ideally not for many, many years but no one really knows because these are the new improved implants and just haven't been around long enough to know. Yes, that means there will be another surgery just like this one someday. And, even without clothing, it does feel like I am wearing a bra. I am told that sensation will decrease with time. It has definitely improved since the expanders were removed.
I know I've mentioned before the amazing luxury of not needing to wear a bra. Almost a miracle to someone that was at least a DD beforehand. That happens to be a luxury that has to wait. I need to spend the next 6 months wearing a bra. The first 6 weeks of which I need to wear one as much as possible, even sleeping in one. And not just any bra, but one that has very high sides and compresses my sides too. Still sound exciting? Not to me.
That brings me to my shopping trip. The bra I wore when I had my post-op check this week was deemed useless. So, I needed to go out and buy a new bra. Did I tell you how much I hate bra shopping? Always hated it. Walking into the lingerie section with all the cute colorful pretty bras and having to find the rack with the huge industrial bras and pray that they had one in my size. Thank heaven for Wacoal. They made the only two styles that worked for me in recent years. But I digress.
I headed out to Nordstroms. I wanted to go to Edith's. It was one of those lingerie shops filled with smart little old ladies who could tell what bra would work for you the second you took off your coat. Sadly, Edith's is no more and I didn't know where else to go. Having had good experiences at Nordies before, I started there. I put on my big girl panties and headed in. The only person working in the department was this very cute, perky and very young woman with A cups. Ugh. Not the person I was hoping for. I needed one of those magical women who could tell by looking at me. :( So, I tell her my story and she takes me to the wall with all the industrial bras. I wanted to run away. So I did. I told her I'd try Macy's. She encouraged me to come back and she'd help me find something that would work. Yeah, right.
I head to the other side of the mall to Macy's. Long walk. I did it quickly, trying to get my exercise in. :) In Macy's lingerie dept were 3 women- all definitely older than me. I asked one for help. Asked me my size (umm.. did you listen to my story? She thought the surgeon would have told me what cup size he gave me... sigh... this is a foreshadow). She measured me out at a 40C. Not one of those bras worked. I did not fill a C cup by any means either. Sigh.
Headed back into the mall. Hit a few sale racks. Actually tried on clothing at Old Navy (never really shopped there for myself before) and bought a shirt. Size medium. Could have gotten the small, but I was afraid of shrinkage. That's new. I would have never even tried on a medium before. Only a large (which I admit I did try on first. LOL). Bought some more mediums at the Disney store (big score there- 2 shirts for $13). Stopped for lunch because I was exhausted and needed to build up my strength for Nordstroms.
Back in the Nordie's lingerie dept, it seemed everyone and their mother (really just mothers... more like grandmothers....) had descended on the dept. Found the cute, cheery salesclerk who was truly working like a speed demon helping all these very demanding women. Once again, I thought I should just run away. But it was too late. I really needed to find a bra that met the specifications my surgeon gave me. Went with the size the lady at Macy's told me (40B/C.. this bra has odd sizing). Nope. No good. Did not cry, but I wanted too. Got dressed and headed out of the dressing room. Was stopped by said perky salesclerk who made me go back and sit down. After some waiting (all those very demanding women), she arrives with a different size that she pulled from the back. It was a 38A/B. It turns out I misread the cute young salesclerk. She is actually one of those magical ladies that can tell your size by looking. She said she would have never tried me in a 40, unless a 38 was too tight. She suspects that when the swelling is down that I will be around a 36B or C, depending on the bra. I decided that I liked her. I also realized that the magical older women who can tell what size bra you are by just looking had to start somewhere. :)
That should be the end of the story, but after that bit of magic, I was re-energized. I headed towards the swimsuits. Nordstroms seems to be having a run on cute, little perky saleswomen. In this dept, I encountered one that was not only younger than me, but shorter! And every so much perkier. This was the right dept for her. She looked like an athlete. What happened to all the little old ladies? Did they all retire to Florida? Anyway, I found the good sports bras there. Told her my story, what I was looking for and why. She recommended one brand/style for that purpose and helped me figure out my size. Then, she helped me pick out a few bathing suits (tankinis) to try on. Good news/bad news. I can't get a sports bra on. Just can't get it past my shoulders. It feels like torture. In a panic, I ripped it off and vowed not to try one again (the surgeon recommended a good strong sports bra for everyday/night use). Good news.. the bathing suits fit. But, once again, I have to step into them. I can't get them over my head. I start to panic the second it feels the slightest bit snug. Stepping into them, some where actually even too big. But over my head.. can't do it. Don't understand it but I'll deal. I did not buy a suit though. Patterns that are cute on the hanger are not cute stretched out over a beached whale. The other reason is style. I have a new body. I have no idea what works on this body. I did see what doesn't work though! LOL. I really need Stacy and Clinton to rescue me!!! Help!
There are a realities about the new girls that I think perhaps those who don't live or visit Cancerville don't know. While they don't sag and don't move like the real thing, they also don't have sensation. If I close my eyes, I cannot tell whether someone is touching me or not. No sensation whatsoever. Imagine that. They also have no nipples. Huge longitudinal scars. They look like the real thing under clothing but only somewhat resemble breasts when I take my shirt off. They are not permanent. The manufacturer says to expect to need to replace them someday. Ideally not for many, many years but no one really knows because these are the new improved implants and just haven't been around long enough to know. Yes, that means there will be another surgery just like this one someday. And, even without clothing, it does feel like I am wearing a bra. I am told that sensation will decrease with time. It has definitely improved since the expanders were removed.
I know I've mentioned before the amazing luxury of not needing to wear a bra. Almost a miracle to someone that was at least a DD beforehand. That happens to be a luxury that has to wait. I need to spend the next 6 months wearing a bra. The first 6 weeks of which I need to wear one as much as possible, even sleeping in one. And not just any bra, but one that has very high sides and compresses my sides too. Still sound exciting? Not to me.
That brings me to my shopping trip. The bra I wore when I had my post-op check this week was deemed useless. So, I needed to go out and buy a new bra. Did I tell you how much I hate bra shopping? Always hated it. Walking into the lingerie section with all the cute colorful pretty bras and having to find the rack with the huge industrial bras and pray that they had one in my size. Thank heaven for Wacoal. They made the only two styles that worked for me in recent years. But I digress.
I headed out to Nordstroms. I wanted to go to Edith's. It was one of those lingerie shops filled with smart little old ladies who could tell what bra would work for you the second you took off your coat. Sadly, Edith's is no more and I didn't know where else to go. Having had good experiences at Nordies before, I started there. I put on my big girl panties and headed in. The only person working in the department was this very cute, perky and very young woman with A cups. Ugh. Not the person I was hoping for. I needed one of those magical women who could tell by looking at me. :( So, I tell her my story and she takes me to the wall with all the industrial bras. I wanted to run away. So I did. I told her I'd try Macy's. She encouraged me to come back and she'd help me find something that would work. Yeah, right.
I head to the other side of the mall to Macy's. Long walk. I did it quickly, trying to get my exercise in. :) In Macy's lingerie dept were 3 women- all definitely older than me. I asked one for help. Asked me my size (umm.. did you listen to my story? She thought the surgeon would have told me what cup size he gave me... sigh... this is a foreshadow). She measured me out at a 40C. Not one of those bras worked. I did not fill a C cup by any means either. Sigh.
Headed back into the mall. Hit a few sale racks. Actually tried on clothing at Old Navy (never really shopped there for myself before) and bought a shirt. Size medium. Could have gotten the small, but I was afraid of shrinkage. That's new. I would have never even tried on a medium before. Only a large (which I admit I did try on first. LOL). Bought some more mediums at the Disney store (big score there- 2 shirts for $13). Stopped for lunch because I was exhausted and needed to build up my strength for Nordstroms.
Back in the Nordie's lingerie dept, it seemed everyone and their mother (really just mothers... more like grandmothers....) had descended on the dept. Found the cute, cheery salesclerk who was truly working like a speed demon helping all these very demanding women. Once again, I thought I should just run away. But it was too late. I really needed to find a bra that met the specifications my surgeon gave me. Went with the size the lady at Macy's told me (40B/C.. this bra has odd sizing). Nope. No good. Did not cry, but I wanted too. Got dressed and headed out of the dressing room. Was stopped by said perky salesclerk who made me go back and sit down. After some waiting (all those very demanding women), she arrives with a different size that she pulled from the back. It was a 38A/B. It turns out I misread the cute young salesclerk. She is actually one of those magical ladies that can tell your size by looking. She said she would have never tried me in a 40, unless a 38 was too tight. She suspects that when the swelling is down that I will be around a 36B or C, depending on the bra. I decided that I liked her. I also realized that the magical older women who can tell what size bra you are by just looking had to start somewhere. :)
That should be the end of the story, but after that bit of magic, I was re-energized. I headed towards the swimsuits. Nordstroms seems to be having a run on cute, little perky saleswomen. In this dept, I encountered one that was not only younger than me, but shorter! And every so much perkier. This was the right dept for her. She looked like an athlete. What happened to all the little old ladies? Did they all retire to Florida? Anyway, I found the good sports bras there. Told her my story, what I was looking for and why. She recommended one brand/style for that purpose and helped me figure out my size. Then, she helped me pick out a few bathing suits (tankinis) to try on. Good news/bad news. I can't get a sports bra on. Just can't get it past my shoulders. It feels like torture. In a panic, I ripped it off and vowed not to try one again (the surgeon recommended a good strong sports bra for everyday/night use). Good news.. the bathing suits fit. But, once again, I have to step into them. I can't get them over my head. I start to panic the second it feels the slightest bit snug. Stepping into them, some where actually even too big. But over my head.. can't do it. Don't understand it but I'll deal. I did not buy a suit though. Patterns that are cute on the hanger are not cute stretched out over a beached whale. The other reason is style. I have a new body. I have no idea what works on this body. I did see what doesn't work though! LOL. I really need Stacy and Clinton to rescue me!!! Help!
Friday, February 16, 2007
POD 3
That's post-op day 3 in medical-ese.
I succeeded in falling asleep at a reasonable hour last night in hopes of putting my days and nights back in the right order. Even slept straight through til sometime around 6 am.
Didn't do much good.
I am admitting that I am totally exhausted and sore. Very sore. Very exhausted. So exhausted that I am actually sleeping through the phone ringing. Knowing that normally I can answer the phone on the first ring and sound as if I'd been wide awake waiting for the call and knowing that after such a call, I can normally jump out of bed and and perform surgery, deliver a baby or even make some sort of life saving decision, means that, well, I am tired.
I'll be back to my perky self, with my perky but swollen silicone boobs, another day. Just not today.
I succeeded in falling asleep at a reasonable hour last night in hopes of putting my days and nights back in the right order. Even slept straight through til sometime around 6 am.
Didn't do much good.
I am admitting that I am totally exhausted and sore. Very sore. Very exhausted. So exhausted that I am actually sleeping through the phone ringing. Knowing that normally I can answer the phone on the first ring and sound as if I'd been wide awake waiting for the call and knowing that after such a call, I can normally jump out of bed and and perform surgery, deliver a baby or even make some sort of life saving decision, means that, well, I am tired.
I'll be back to my perky self, with my perky but swollen silicone boobs, another day. Just not today.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
TipToeing My Way Out of Cancerland
The title says it all.
Now that this surgery is complete, I feel like I am really moving out of Cancerland. Or is that Cancerville? Where ever it is, I don't want to live there anymore.
However, on my way out, I'll give you the report from yesterday and today. :)
I came home last night. Surgery was at 1:30pm. I was in the recovery room at 4pm. Silly me, it's one of the first questions I asked. Really, the second one. The first thing I did when I woke up was to check my vitals and then to feel around for drains. I DIDN'T FIND ANY!!!! (Drains that is.. I found my vital signs on the monitor). Awesome, awesome news! No drains at all. Not even one. Made my day, my week, my month... you get the picture. Can't say it made my year because I've had 4 drains this year for a total time that's longer than I care to remember.
I left the hospital as quickly as possible. I think I was the last patient into post-recovery and the last one to leave. When they wheeled me out of the recovery room into the post area (where you get to eat and drink and lose your IV), I only saw one other patient and they were getting ready to leave. Being the last one there did not hasten my departure. That was my choice. I was starving and the graham crackers were too dry, the apple juice too sweet and the water, well it was just water. LOL! I kept scaring the nurse every time I got up because I was still shaky. I just wanted to get home to my own bed, albeit one packed with pillows so I could sleep sitting up a bit. Still much better than being in a hospital by any stretch of the imagination!
I came home. Went to bed. Dh made me chicken soup for what was my breakfast, lunch and dinner. (Remember those NPO orders from midnight the night before?). I did lie in bed for awhile feeling as though I had just had chemo- tired, foggy and that general post-AC feeling that I know my fellow cancer gals understand innately. Funny. I then realized that was nausea. LOL. Popped a Zofran and all was good with the world. I fell asleep shortly afterwards. Never knew if Rachel did her homework or took a shower (she did both). Don't know when dh came to bed. I vaguely remember trying to stay awake for a while, but was unsuccessful. I got up only to take my antibiotic. Didn't need anything for pain at all! Was wide awake though by 3 am. Wide awake and starving! Ate half a chocolate bar. The diet can start again next week.
I still have not seen the final product. I once again came home with a beautiful black surgical bra. Just in time for Valentine's Day. Once again, I think this is a phenomenal choice when you are covered with all sorts of surgical scrub solutions. Looks like jaundice from the shoulders to the belly and a bit of the neck too (jaundice would show up in your eyes first... and you know who this is directed too... I'll write ya' later. LOL.. yes.. secret messages in my blog. LOL). Anyway, even thought I have not seen the final product, I have felt them. WOW! They feel so real. You can compress them and everything. Just like real breasts. :) WHAT A CONCEPT! So much nicer than saline. As everyone else who's BTDT and gotten the T-shirt (when do I get mine?) has said, they felt better right away. Just having something soft and smaller under the muscles is so much more comfortable.
It's a good thing I'm housebound for a bit. I keep feeling my boobs. What a sight! I cannot get over how much they feel like the real thing. If we could back up the calendar and go back to August, this is what I remember my breasts feeling like. Just amazing. Of course, this is not what they looked like. The new gals are so very much smaller than the ones I originally inherited. Even smaller than those nasty expanders. I know have 650 cc of Mentor smooth round Memory Gel inplants. The medium sized shirt I wore to the hospital was big and baggy on the way home. I had brought along a zip up hoodie sweater to wear home in case I had drains or couldn't move well. No need. This is one of the few shirts I had bought during the expander phase, when I was already smaller chested than before. Looks like I will need to slowly build up a new wardrobe. I'm going to have to learn when the stores make their major markdowns again!
I'm trying hard to avoid going back to bed. I was wide awake for so long this morning. Have to get my nights and days back in order again, like an infant. As time goes on, I am getting more and more sore. I suppose part of that is the Vicodin wearing off. I think the rest is from the liposuction on my sides. He did get a ton out from each side. I can tell there is swelling there but can't bear to touch it now because of the soreness. I'm betting it's all black and blue. I'm almost dreading taking the bra off to shower tonight. Here's another funny thing- I'm supposed to put on a supportive sports bra when I take this off. Now, I did actually acquire a sports bra or two from our cousin Carol (owner of Ruth's in Warick, Rhode Island if anyone is near there) but they are from when I was a 38DD. I suspect I am more like a 38B now. Maybe a C, but I doubt it looking down and knowing there are bandages stuffed inside the bra. Another thing to figure out. LOL
Anyway, I'm alive, tired and very happy to be through this last major step. There may be revisions down the road. Maybe even nipples, but I doubt I'll want them. The next step is to recover and then find a new anti-hormonal medication that doesn't cause me grief (another day on that story).
Happy Valentine's Day!
Now that this surgery is complete, I feel like I am really moving out of Cancerland. Or is that Cancerville? Where ever it is, I don't want to live there anymore.
However, on my way out, I'll give you the report from yesterday and today. :)
I came home last night. Surgery was at 1:30pm. I was in the recovery room at 4pm. Silly me, it's one of the first questions I asked. Really, the second one. The first thing I did when I woke up was to check my vitals and then to feel around for drains. I DIDN'T FIND ANY!!!! (Drains that is.. I found my vital signs on the monitor). Awesome, awesome news! No drains at all. Not even one. Made my day, my week, my month... you get the picture. Can't say it made my year because I've had 4 drains this year for a total time that's longer than I care to remember.
I left the hospital as quickly as possible. I think I was the last patient into post-recovery and the last one to leave. When they wheeled me out of the recovery room into the post area (where you get to eat and drink and lose your IV), I only saw one other patient and they were getting ready to leave. Being the last one there did not hasten my departure. That was my choice. I was starving and the graham crackers were too dry, the apple juice too sweet and the water, well it was just water. LOL! I kept scaring the nurse every time I got up because I was still shaky. I just wanted to get home to my own bed, albeit one packed with pillows so I could sleep sitting up a bit. Still much better than being in a hospital by any stretch of the imagination!
I came home. Went to bed. Dh made me chicken soup for what was my breakfast, lunch and dinner. (Remember those NPO orders from midnight the night before?). I did lie in bed for awhile feeling as though I had just had chemo- tired, foggy and that general post-AC feeling that I know my fellow cancer gals understand innately. Funny. I then realized that was nausea. LOL. Popped a Zofran and all was good with the world. I fell asleep shortly afterwards. Never knew if Rachel did her homework or took a shower (she did both). Don't know when dh came to bed. I vaguely remember trying to stay awake for a while, but was unsuccessful. I got up only to take my antibiotic. Didn't need anything for pain at all! Was wide awake though by 3 am. Wide awake and starving! Ate half a chocolate bar. The diet can start again next week.
I still have not seen the final product. I once again came home with a beautiful black surgical bra. Just in time for Valentine's Day. Once again, I think this is a phenomenal choice when you are covered with all sorts of surgical scrub solutions. Looks like jaundice from the shoulders to the belly and a bit of the neck too (jaundice would show up in your eyes first... and you know who this is directed too... I'll write ya' later. LOL.. yes.. secret messages in my blog. LOL). Anyway, even thought I have not seen the final product, I have felt them. WOW! They feel so real. You can compress them and everything. Just like real breasts. :) WHAT A CONCEPT! So much nicer than saline. As everyone else who's BTDT and gotten the T-shirt (when do I get mine?) has said, they felt better right away. Just having something soft and smaller under the muscles is so much more comfortable.
It's a good thing I'm housebound for a bit. I keep feeling my boobs. What a sight! I cannot get over how much they feel like the real thing. If we could back up the calendar and go back to August, this is what I remember my breasts feeling like. Just amazing. Of course, this is not what they looked like. The new gals are so very much smaller than the ones I originally inherited. Even smaller than those nasty expanders. I know have 650 cc of Mentor smooth round Memory Gel inplants. The medium sized shirt I wore to the hospital was big and baggy on the way home. I had brought along a zip up hoodie sweater to wear home in case I had drains or couldn't move well. No need. This is one of the few shirts I had bought during the expander phase, when I was already smaller chested than before. Looks like I will need to slowly build up a new wardrobe. I'm going to have to learn when the stores make their major markdowns again!
I'm trying hard to avoid going back to bed. I was wide awake for so long this morning. Have to get my nights and days back in order again, like an infant. As time goes on, I am getting more and more sore. I suppose part of that is the Vicodin wearing off. I think the rest is from the liposuction on my sides. He did get a ton out from each side. I can tell there is swelling there but can't bear to touch it now because of the soreness. I'm betting it's all black and blue. I'm almost dreading taking the bra off to shower tonight. Here's another funny thing- I'm supposed to put on a supportive sports bra when I take this off. Now, I did actually acquire a sports bra or two from our cousin Carol (owner of Ruth's in Warick, Rhode Island if anyone is near there) but they are from when I was a 38DD. I suspect I am more like a 38B now. Maybe a C, but I doubt it looking down and knowing there are bandages stuffed inside the bra. Another thing to figure out. LOL
Anyway, I'm alive, tired and very happy to be through this last major step. There may be revisions down the road. Maybe even nipples, but I doubt I'll want them. The next step is to recover and then find a new anti-hormonal medication that doesn't cause me grief (another day on that story).
Happy Valentine's Day!
We interrupt this blog briefly to bring you Valentine's Day
For my husband who gives true meaning to "in sickness and in health."
Photo from my brother and SIL's wedding which happened to fall on our 11th anniversary back in 2004. Layout created for Boxer Productions. We'll be making a similar layout (and a few more) in my "Sew Much?" class at Scrapbooking Moments in Time. I'll be doing this class a few times over the next few months, until I get tired of it or people stop signing up. :)
still more later today..
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Bye, Bye Bricks! Hello Gummy Bears.
Can't say I'm sorry to see them go.
It's really too bad that actual incisions have to be made to remove them and place my gummy bears. The plastics nurse called them the creme de la creme of implants. (I don't speak French so if my spelling is off, I apologize.. Caro can correct me. LOL)
The overt stress from yesterday is over. In another life, I would have blamed my mood on PMS. You can't do that when you have no ovaries. No ovaries, no PMS. No hormonal fluctuations, especially when you take a medication that prevents even your adrenal glands from producing minute amounts of estrogen. As of today, I am on a medication holiday to see what happens with the side effects, but that's another story for another post down the road. I totally recognize that what I experienced yesterday was stress related. The headache, the foul mood, the physical tension. Even my blood pressure. I knew it was going to be high. I was relieved that it was not very high, but it was higher than my new normal. It's interesting that since cancer invaded my life, my blood pressure has dropped back into a healthy range for the first time in years. I ran borderline high for a long time and I do suspect a portion of that was stress related. Once again, another story for another today.
Today is surgery day! It kind of stinks that it's not until the afternoon. Why? More anxiety? No, it's no food. NPO after midnight. (NPO=nothing by mouth). My dh is a doll as always. Around 11 pm, he brought me a cannoli. Sadly, even though I waited to eat dinner until about 9 pm, my stomach is already growling! I don't get to eat again until late this afternoon.
Off to find something else to do to occupy the waiting time...
The next time I post, I'll have a new body yet again.
It's all just so bizarre.
It's really too bad that actual incisions have to be made to remove them and place my gummy bears. The plastics nurse called them the creme de la creme of implants. (I don't speak French so if my spelling is off, I apologize.. Caro can correct me. LOL)
The overt stress from yesterday is over. In another life, I would have blamed my mood on PMS. You can't do that when you have no ovaries. No ovaries, no PMS. No hormonal fluctuations, especially when you take a medication that prevents even your adrenal glands from producing minute amounts of estrogen. As of today, I am on a medication holiday to see what happens with the side effects, but that's another story for another post down the road. I totally recognize that what I experienced yesterday was stress related. The headache, the foul mood, the physical tension. Even my blood pressure. I knew it was going to be high. I was relieved that it was not very high, but it was higher than my new normal. It's interesting that since cancer invaded my life, my blood pressure has dropped back into a healthy range for the first time in years. I ran borderline high for a long time and I do suspect a portion of that was stress related. Once again, another story for another today.
Today is surgery day! It kind of stinks that it's not until the afternoon. Why? More anxiety? No, it's no food. NPO after midnight. (NPO=nothing by mouth). My dh is a doll as always. Around 11 pm, he brought me a cannoli. Sadly, even though I waited to eat dinner until about 9 pm, my stomach is already growling! I don't get to eat again until late this afternoon.
Off to find something else to do to occupy the waiting time...
The next time I post, I'll have a new body yet again.
It's all just so bizarre.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Primal Scream!
Primal scream therapy.
I think I am becoming a believer in this technique. It's about all I feel like doing today.
I am reminded of part of why I was not blogging this "adventure" back in the first several weeks. Was it privacy? Was admitting it was really happening? Was it fear? No. It was that I spent so much &*^&(*^&*()% effort and *(&*)^&)^) time fighting the insurance company that I didn't have time to dwell on anything else.
So, here we are. One day before surgery. I still have multiple calls to make to ensure Rachel gets where she needs to go this week. I have an appointment with my oncologist to discuss all the side effects I'm having on Arimidex and decide whether I should continue or try something else. I pary he doesn't leave that decision to me because I can't make this decision. This class of medication was shown to be the best at preventing recurrence for my type of cancer in post-menopausal women (I am one of those now that I have no ovaries) so I am not anxious to stop it. I am anxious to stop the joint and muscle pain and issues with my hands, though. Very anxious!
To top it all off, guess who my first phone calls of the day are going to be with? Yes. You guessed it. The &*^&) insurance company. Not only did they short the surgeon on payment from having the expanders placed back in September, they did not pay for my last post op visits. The bills are growing and it makes me sick. If I had the money, I'd hire someone to deal with them for me. This is ridiculous.
So, that brings me back the topic for today.
Primal scream therapy.
Feel free to join me. No charge.
I think I am becoming a believer in this technique. It's about all I feel like doing today.
I am reminded of part of why I was not blogging this "adventure" back in the first several weeks. Was it privacy? Was admitting it was really happening? Was it fear? No. It was that I spent so much &*^&(*^&*()% effort and *(&*)^&)^) time fighting the insurance company that I didn't have time to dwell on anything else.
So, here we are. One day before surgery. I still have multiple calls to make to ensure Rachel gets where she needs to go this week. I have an appointment with my oncologist to discuss all the side effects I'm having on Arimidex and decide whether I should continue or try something else. I pary he doesn't leave that decision to me because I can't make this decision. This class of medication was shown to be the best at preventing recurrence for my type of cancer in post-menopausal women (I am one of those now that I have no ovaries) so I am not anxious to stop it. I am anxious to stop the joint and muscle pain and issues with my hands, though. Very anxious!
To top it all off, guess who my first phone calls of the day are going to be with? Yes. You guessed it. The &*^&) insurance company. Not only did they short the surgeon on payment from having the expanders placed back in September, they did not pay for my last post op visits. The bills are growing and it makes me sick. If I had the money, I'd hire someone to deal with them for me. This is ridiculous.
So, that brings me back the topic for today.
Primal scream therapy.
Feel free to join me. No charge.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
This and That
Thank you all so much for the suggestions!!
I ended up picking up 3 books at Target last week. They were having a buy 2 get 1 free sale for certain titles. I ended up with the 10th Circle, The Alchemist and a historical fiction book about Marie Antoinette. I also have Snow Flower and The Secret Fan, Running with Scissors and For One More Day on order. They should arrive sometime next week. I think I'm stocked for now. I'm adding many of the other suggestions to my Amazon wish list because I'll need more for vacation in March. :) I did a ton of reading this summer while living in chemoland and a bit more while recovering this fall, so I had already read a good number of the suggestions. It took reading the descriptions or seeing the covers to remember what I had actually read instead of just looked at before! Just call me chemobrain girl.
It's funny the things you remember and the things you don't. I can vividly remember the morning I stayed in bed, nervous but deep in chemo fog and exhaustion. Nervous, you ask? Yes. Nervous. That's what happens when your 9 yr old is making eggs for breakfast waaaayyyy on the other side of the house and keeps coming back to ask questions. If I let her have a little more freedom in the kitchen and if she had a little more time, she'd be the next Rachel Ray. She really does love creating in the kitchen. This, the day she learned to use the stove, I remember. I was just thinking back to how much I don't remember. I can't remember the night before the million and one surgeries back in Sept. I can't remember if Rachel spent the night at home or not (she didn't.. it was an early case.. she had to have been at the Sullivans.. I just don't have that memory). I remember the day when I had the strength to open the fridge and warm something up in the microwave. I cannot remember what I did for food on those other days when I was home alone just after discharge from the hospital. And, while I've gotten accustomed to the look of tissue expanders, I still remember what it was like to have breasts that moved and breasts that were actually compressible and soft.
I haven't blogged this week and I haven't written in my journal either. I kept thinking about it. Wrote long, detailed, insightful entries in my head. I'm anxious again. It's very reminscent of when I had the port placed. I do mention it somewhere in the archives, but the actual incident happened before I started blogging about this. I was in such an incredible panic about getting a port. It wasn't about having a port. It was having the port placed. It was a control issue. This time, it's not about actually getting the implants. It's not about having surgery. It's about the recovery. I did what I tell others not to do. I read reports from others who've had this done and I panicked. While I hate the feeling of these bricks masquerading as breasts on my chest, I am so very much dreading recovering again. I was thinking that this wasn't a control thing. That I've learned to give up control. But it's not true, is it? Recovery is about giving up control again. I know it's temporary. The good news is that I read some posts today about recovery from exchange surgery on a different site today and I'm feeling better about the whole thing! The reality is that I just need to wait and see. Dh says I am always over optomistic and over estimate how quickly I'll recover. He is right. I'm still hoping for the best thought! And still hoping I can take Rachel into NYC 4 days later to meet up with some on-line breast cancer gals and catch the ballet matinee at Lincoln Center.
Once again, there's not too much time to dwell on these things. I'm working today. Tomorrow is a morning playdate so Rachel and a friend can rehearse for the school talent show. Her flute recital is that afternoon. Monday is my visit with the oncologist and Tuesday is the big event.
I ended up picking up 3 books at Target last week. They were having a buy 2 get 1 free sale for certain titles. I ended up with the 10th Circle, The Alchemist and a historical fiction book about Marie Antoinette. I also have Snow Flower and The Secret Fan, Running with Scissors and For One More Day on order. They should arrive sometime next week. I think I'm stocked for now. I'm adding many of the other suggestions to my Amazon wish list because I'll need more for vacation in March. :) I did a ton of reading this summer while living in chemoland and a bit more while recovering this fall, so I had already read a good number of the suggestions. It took reading the descriptions or seeing the covers to remember what I had actually read instead of just looked at before! Just call me chemobrain girl.
It's funny the things you remember and the things you don't. I can vividly remember the morning I stayed in bed, nervous but deep in chemo fog and exhaustion. Nervous, you ask? Yes. Nervous. That's what happens when your 9 yr old is making eggs for breakfast waaaayyyy on the other side of the house and keeps coming back to ask questions. If I let her have a little more freedom in the kitchen and if she had a little more time, she'd be the next Rachel Ray. She really does love creating in the kitchen. This, the day she learned to use the stove, I remember. I was just thinking back to how much I don't remember. I can't remember the night before the million and one surgeries back in Sept. I can't remember if Rachel spent the night at home or not (she didn't.. it was an early case.. she had to have been at the Sullivans.. I just don't have that memory). I remember the day when I had the strength to open the fridge and warm something up in the microwave. I cannot remember what I did for food on those other days when I was home alone just after discharge from the hospital. And, while I've gotten accustomed to the look of tissue expanders, I still remember what it was like to have breasts that moved and breasts that were actually compressible and soft.
I haven't blogged this week and I haven't written in my journal either. I kept thinking about it. Wrote long, detailed, insightful entries in my head. I'm anxious again. It's very reminscent of when I had the port placed. I do mention it somewhere in the archives, but the actual incident happened before I started blogging about this. I was in such an incredible panic about getting a port. It wasn't about having a port. It was having the port placed. It was a control issue. This time, it's not about actually getting the implants. It's not about having surgery. It's about the recovery. I did what I tell others not to do. I read reports from others who've had this done and I panicked. While I hate the feeling of these bricks masquerading as breasts on my chest, I am so very much dreading recovering again. I was thinking that this wasn't a control thing. That I've learned to give up control. But it's not true, is it? Recovery is about giving up control again. I know it's temporary. The good news is that I read some posts today about recovery from exchange surgery on a different site today and I'm feeling better about the whole thing! The reality is that I just need to wait and see. Dh says I am always over optomistic and over estimate how quickly I'll recover. He is right. I'm still hoping for the best thought! And still hoping I can take Rachel into NYC 4 days later to meet up with some on-line breast cancer gals and catch the ballet matinee at Lincoln Center.
Once again, there's not too much time to dwell on these things. I'm working today. Tomorrow is a morning playdate so Rachel and a friend can rehearse for the school talent show. Her flute recital is that afternoon. Monday is my visit with the oncologist and Tuesday is the big event.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
What have you read lately?
I'm looking for suggestions.
I am fresh out of books.
With the surgery coming up in less than 2 weeks (WHAT?? SO SOON?? yes. I know. It's just seeing it in print that makes me jump out of skin), I need to stock up on some good reading. I am typically a book a day person when there's nothing going on. And, certainly, there will be nothing going for a few days, I suspect. I do have a few movies I might watch during my quasi-quarantine (Rent is one of them, the others are current pay per view choices), but they'll really just be reading breaks. They'll will make it so I won't go through more than one book in a day. Even if I'm not sitting around reading for a few days after the surgery, we do have a vacation in March. :)
Here's what I've read in the last few weeks:
Bathsheba's Breast (history of breast cancer treatment)
Plain Truth (Jodi Picoult. will probably pick another one of her books to read. Loved this one like I loved Sister's Keeper which I read after the last surgery)
The Constant Princess (Phillipa Gregory.. I've possibly read everything she's written)
A Breath of Snow and Ashes (Diana Gabaldon- Ok. This was not a one day read. I started this during my recovery in Sept and couldn't get through it. Had trouble getting into it. Finished recently. Not interested in reading another like this for a long time)
I'm up for suggestions. I know you are out there reading this. :P Leave me a comment or email me or send up a smoke signal! I need ideas!
Thanks. :)
I am fresh out of books.
With the surgery coming up in less than 2 weeks (WHAT?? SO SOON?? yes. I know. It's just seeing it in print that makes me jump out of skin), I need to stock up on some good reading. I am typically a book a day person when there's nothing going on. And, certainly, there will be nothing going for a few days, I suspect. I do have a few movies I might watch during my quasi-quarantine (Rent is one of them, the others are current pay per view choices), but they'll really just be reading breaks. They'll will make it so I won't go through more than one book in a day. Even if I'm not sitting around reading for a few days after the surgery, we do have a vacation in March. :)
Here's what I've read in the last few weeks:
Bathsheba's Breast (history of breast cancer treatment)
Plain Truth (Jodi Picoult. will probably pick another one of her books to read. Loved this one like I loved Sister's Keeper which I read after the last surgery)
The Constant Princess (Phillipa Gregory.. I've possibly read everything she's written)
A Breath of Snow and Ashes (Diana Gabaldon- Ok. This was not a one day read. I started this during my recovery in Sept and couldn't get through it. Had trouble getting into it. Finished recently. Not interested in reading another like this for a long time)
I'm up for suggestions. I know you are out there reading this. :P Leave me a comment or email me or send up a smoke signal! I need ideas!
Thanks. :)
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