A year ago today and other ramblings

As I watched the coverage of the tragedy at Virginia Tech, a screen came up with all sorts of tragic events that have occurred this week in history.

I had to agree.

April 18, 2006 was my D-Day.

Excerpts from my journal:

10:15 am :University Radiology
I walked in thinking this was no big deal. EVERYONE has repeat mammos and 80-90% of those are pretty meaningless. Still, I'm a tiny bit nervous sitting in the waiting area inside the office reserved for those "on deck" in the lovely paper gown.

The technician this time was as sweet as can be. If I could remember her name, I'd request her again (N.B. remember, this was written a year ago! LOL) I saw my screening mammo hanging on the screen and saw that red grease pen circle. It circled a tiny hyperechoic area. Not strongly hyperechoic, but enough to catch the radiologist's attention.

When she brought the next film back, I knew this wasn't a routine follow-up anymore. She took tighter and tighter compression films. As the plates get smaller, the pain gets higher! And people worry about a routine mamo!!! That's nothing!

The next film showed that the nodule (it was a nodule by then) was not round and did not have smooth edges. I knew it would have to come out. I shocked the technician when I said that aloud. She had no idea I was an MD. Apparently, they normally indicate this but no one asked and I didn't tell.

6 more films later, it was time for the ultrasound. The radiologist pronounced the nodule "suspicious." Suspicious? I knew it was breast cancer.

I was OK until I walked out of the building. I pulled on my sunglasses and then the tears began to flow. I called Howie and left a tearful message. I doubt he understood a word. I went to finish my errands. I filled the car with gas. While sitting at the pump (NB. This is NJ, someone else does the pumping), I called the insurance company to see if the breast surgeon I wanted was in the plan. Of course, they said no. They even said breast is not a specialty. I knew I wanted someone who ONLY does breast and that was that. (Kind of funny how quickly I moved into "action" mode. I stayed in that mode for months.)

I came home, got online and called the office I wanted to go to. Sure enough, she was in the plan!! I then called the radiology office to fax my results there, once they were available.

And then, I waited.


So, it's exactly a year ago today that I knew. It feels like a lifetime. I saw something scrapbook related recently that was asking about a moment that changed your life. My life changed in the moment I saw that spiculated little nodule on the screen. There was nothing else it could be. The rollercoaster ride that is cancer began. If you know me well, you know that I hate rollercoasters and don't ride them on purpose.

Of course, it's not all bad. I'm a survivor. It's the label I wear now and it defines me in many ways. Something I took away from the very first conversation I had with Dana, a survivor who's pretty much exactly a year ahead of me now one of my "bestest" friends on the planet, is that you'll quickly learn who your real friends are. It was amazing just how true that was. There are those that I thought were friends who rapidly disappeared from my life. Pretty amazing how quickly that happened. Others, from afar, some that I barely knew before this, who made sure to send an email or a card. Small gestures that I won't ever forget. There's also an incredible bond amongst my fellow cancer girls- the new friends I've made this year. Stef, who was diagnosed while I was finishing my active treatment and finally starting to come to terms with what having a disease that might kill you means (we got to do some of that together). Jaci, who's somewhat local.. we met to go shopping, grabbed a bite to eat and chatted for hours as if we had always known each other. Some of my other YSC friends and my chemogroup from breastcancer.org. Of course, I can't exclude my husband, who stood along side me, taking care of all the little details. I had to turn down food from the nurses at the hospital when I was first diagnosed because one of his first responses was to fill the fridge and the freezer. And there's my sister and my sister like friend, Patria, who rescued me several times this past year. I'm not good at the mushy stuff as a rule, and I'm sure there are others I should be naming, but you all mean the world to me and I couldn't wear the survivor label without you all. :)