The day before May 1st

So, here we are.

The day before May 1st.

The last day of April.

I don't have to turn to my journal to remember this day in 2006. I can hardly believe it's 2007. This last year flew by in a strange, telescoping time warp. There are huge chunks of time that I can't or don't choose to remember and others of which I remember every minute detail.

May 1 was a Monday last year. That Sunday was my niece's naming. We had never had one for Rachel, so we had the rabbi add on a little bit, more of a blessing, for Rachel as well. It was such a difficult day. I just wanted to say it aloud, but I couldn't. I knew the moment I did, it would become "the day Melissa told us she had cancer" instead of Hannah's naming. It was so much easier to pretend it wasn't happening. It wasn't real. Maybe I could wake up and find it was all a nightmare. The funny thing is, now, a year later, I wake up and sometimes do think maybe it was all a nightmare. And then something brushes against my chest and I see it but can't feel it. Or I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror.

Looking back, the day wasn't too bad. At least, not until we dropped Rachel off afterwards. We had to be at the hospital at 6:45 am (funny how I can remember that detail) so she got to have a sleepover on a school night. Truly, this was the hardest part. The moment we drove down the street to the Sullivan's and Rachel got out of the car, was the moment it all became far too real. The next morning, I would become a cancer patient. I tear up just thinking about that moment. I remember how the air felt that afternoon, how blue the sky was, how pretty my little girl looked, and I remember the tears that flowed as soon as she closed the car door. It sounds so dramatic, but the moment the door closed, it felt like I was closing a chapter of my life. In reality, that chapter ended the day I had the diagnostic mammogram, but it felt like it ended at that moment.

So, tomorrow it will mark one full year. It gives me chills to think about it. So, I won't. :)