This and That

Thank you all so much for the suggestions!!

I ended up picking up 3 books at Target last week. They were having a buy 2 get 1 free sale for certain titles. I ended up with the 10th Circle, The Alchemist and a historical fiction book about Marie Antoinette. I also have Snow Flower and The Secret Fan, Running with Scissors and For One More Day on order. They should arrive sometime next week. I think I'm stocked for now. I'm adding many of the other suggestions to my Amazon wish list because I'll need more for vacation in March. :) I did a ton of reading this summer while living in chemoland and a bit more while recovering this fall, so I had already read a good number of the suggestions. It took reading the descriptions or seeing the covers to remember what I had actually read instead of just looked at before! Just call me chemobrain girl.

It's funny the things you remember and the things you don't. I can vividly remember the morning I stayed in bed, nervous but deep in chemo fog and exhaustion. Nervous, you ask? Yes. Nervous. That's what happens when your 9 yr old is making eggs for breakfast waaaayyyy on the other side of the house and keeps coming back to ask questions. If I let her have a little more freedom in the kitchen and if she had a little more time, she'd be the next Rachel Ray. She really does love creating in the kitchen. This, the day she learned to use the stove, I remember. I was just thinking back to how much I don't remember. I can't remember the night before the million and one surgeries back in Sept. I can't remember if Rachel spent the night at home or not (she didn't.. it was an early case.. she had to have been at the Sullivans.. I just don't have that memory). I remember the day when I had the strength to open the fridge and warm something up in the microwave. I cannot remember what I did for food on those other days when I was home alone just after discharge from the hospital. And, while I've gotten accustomed to the look of tissue expanders, I still remember what it was like to have breasts that moved and breasts that were actually compressible and soft.

I haven't blogged this week and I haven't written in my journal either. I kept thinking about it. Wrote long, detailed, insightful entries in my head. I'm anxious again. It's very reminscent of when I had the port placed. I do mention it somewhere in the archives, but the actual incident happened before I started blogging about this. I was in such an incredible panic about getting a port. It wasn't about having a port. It was having the port placed. It was a control issue. This time, it's not about actually getting the implants. It's not about having surgery. It's about the recovery. I did what I tell others not to do. I read reports from others who've had this done and I panicked. While I hate the feeling of these bricks masquerading as breasts on my chest, I am so very much dreading recovering again. I was thinking that this wasn't a control thing. That I've learned to give up control. But it's not true, is it? Recovery is about giving up control again. I know it's temporary. The good news is that I read some posts today about recovery from exchange surgery on a different site today and I'm feeling better about the whole thing! The reality is that I just need to wait and see. Dh says I am always over optomistic and over estimate how quickly I'll recover. He is right. I'm still hoping for the best thought! And still hoping I can take Rachel into NYC 4 days later to meet up with some on-line breast cancer gals and catch the ballet matinee at Lincoln Center.

Once again, there's not too much time to dwell on these things. I'm working today. Tomorrow is a morning playdate so Rachel and a friend can rehearse for the school talent show. Her flute recital is that afternoon. Monday is my visit with the oncologist and Tuesday is the big event.