I'd do it all over again

15 years ago today

Ladybug, Ladybug, Fly Away Home

This is Rachel (center) and two of her fellow ladybugs from "The Secret Garden." Alas, the garden is no more. I wish I had more pictures to share, but my camera was not all that cooperative during the dress rehearsal. Even the mom shooting next to me with the digi SLR and big fast lens was having difficulty with the various lighting changes throughout. Oh well.. I will still be depending on her photos. Between those issues and the fact that I only had one chance because I was working back stage the rest of the time, plus the lovely mint green walls in the reception area, I admit I am a bit disappointed photo-wise. As long as I have a few in the end, I'll be happy. Less photos means I don't have to spend much time picking which ones will actually make it into the scrapbook. :)

We still have the spring performance (aka dance recital) left to go this weekend. The girls will be a sea of white. The entire junior division, from the pre-ballet students to the pre-pointe students will be in white leotards with white romantic tutus. Each level will have their own color sash, I've been told. Should make for some pretty photos... I hope!

On other fronts, I am healing once again. Self-inflicted this go round. I tore a muscle in my calf last week. Ended up with a quick visit to my pals in the ER and a set of crutches. My usual impatience with these things has reared its ugly head. Plus I am just plain no good with crutches. I had a flashback to highschool when I injured my knee in a soccer game. I was sent to school on crutches and called my mom in tears third period because it was just too much.

I have been off crutches since Saturday. I couldn't see walking around New Hope on crutches, so I left them at home. :0 We just walked slllooowwwlllly and leisurely. Otherwise, I really have been resting it as much as I can and I really can walk just fine now. The limp is only noticable if I have to walk quickly. Really. Honestly, I don't have pain now, but the calf still feels tight. I am going to give it one more week before I get back to my normal exercise routine (you know... walking, ballet, Pilates, ballet, ballet, and walking some more). I am still a control freak. With the inability to exercise this week, I've started keeping detailed food diaries again, hoping I can somehow manage to not gain weight this week and maybe, just maybe, I can figure out something helpful to actually LOSE these last 20 lbs.

Shoes for Sale

*************EDITTED TO ADD:

This post gets many hits. I need to point out (no pun intended) that this post is now a year old. Most of the shoes are long gone. The firebird shoe, orange shoe and the purple one with the huge flower and rhinestones are about the only ones left from this photo, as far as I know. The shoes in the photos are mostly various Capezio styles in various sizes. I was able to obtain a small lot of shoes at a great discount from a Halloween store that had bought the stock of a dance store. The particular shoes in the photo were all new unused shoes. Since that time, I've been using used shoes. The used shoes require a bit more care to create.. trimming worn ends, multiple layers of acrylic paint, and sealer. Once again, they are not meant to be worn. They are for decorative purposes only. I do tend to use smaller sizes for aesthetic reasons (equivalent to street sizes 4-7 or so).

I should be posting some new shoe photos soon. :)

******************************

I have a small number of decorated pointe shoes still available. They are $20 a piece plus shipping. All proceeds to benefit DanceVision.

Of those seen above, I believe we have the purple one with the large flower, the green one with the multicolored flowers and the silver shoe with the hydrangeas available (the silver one may be spoken for though). I also have this red "Firebird" style shoe and a similar one in yellow with yellow feathers and a green rhinestone.

If anyone is interested, please email me (use the email icon at the bottom of the post and please include your email address in the text so I can reply. :))

Want to see what I've been up to?

It feels like it's been a long time since I've had any scrapbook pages to share. I really have not been doing much in the way of papercrafting of late.

I have, however, been using my papercrafting stash.

Come see a sampling of my latest project here (click the word "here")

I've made probably 10 more. We're going to be selling them at the boutique at DanceVision's "The Secret Garden" , the group Rachel dances with here in NJ. The show is going to be spectacular from what I have seen from the dancing alone. If you are local, come out and see in on May 17 and May 18 (details are available if you click 'The Secret Garden" :))

Another May Day

Another May Day.

For me, May 1 means another "cancer-versary" for me.

2 years ago today, at this very moment, I wound up on this crazy road, with no way to turn around. No way to get back on that picturesque road I had been following.

It amazes me what a clear cut divide there is in my life; life before May 1 2006 and life after May 1 2006. The two are are quite different. There are so few definitive moments like this. My wedding day, the birth of my daughter, the death of my mother, and the day I heard the words "it's definitely cancer." All moments when my life changed forever.

I would never in a million ways want to say that this was a blessing of any sort. People say that sort of thing ALL the time. Cancer is NEVER a blessing. I am NOT a better person. I am NOT a better wife or mother. I am NOT a better physician for this. I truly hate when people say that one because it's rude and presumptive and it's never said by anyone who knows what I was like as a doctor before. Never.

Yet, I do live my life in a somewhat different way today. I am more selfish. :) Less tolerant. OK. So, I was never all that tolerant in the first place. I am a priority in my own life. I am re-discovering who I once I was. I read more than I have read in years. I dance more. I'm starting to even find that I am singing more. It's the old "what will you regret if it's all over tomorrow." I'll never regret doing things that I love and I'll never regret spending time with those I love. It's only the time in between that's wasted.

Happy May Day!

I's April! Time for a thyroid lesson.

Yup. Ignoring the blog again.

Might as well get used to it. I suspect a once a month post, maybe twice, might be all you get from me these days.

I can't say that my absence has been due entirely to being busy and living life. I find that I also get quiet, extremely quiet, when I am concerned. I was fairly stoic publically when I first learned I had breast cancer. I did not bring it up on my most frequented message boards. Only mentioned it on one of my many email groups. It really wasn't until the treatment was underway that I started to talk. Bizarre behavior for me because I am an open book. I talk about everything! Almost.

The last 2-3 weeks, I had some unusual for me symptoms. There's a rule of thumb in the breast cancer world. You wait two weeks and see if whatever the issue is persists. If so, then a metastatic work up will most likely follow. Fortunately for me, I decided to wait 3 weeks. 3 weeks is today. Today, there is a definite change for the better... so I am back. :) I'd like to attribute all of this to the dreaded anniversary reaction. I can't. But who cares? It's not an issue because it's getting better, not worse.

I'll also toss in that I just got back some more perfectly NORMAL blood test results. Well, not perfectly normal, but perfectly nonmetastatic normal. :D My thyroid function is actually hovering at the lower limits of normal. Which naturally led me to read up on thyroid function and tamoxifen. Those of you not on tamoxifen might want to move on to the next blog at this time. :)

Here's the deal. We all know about the complaints about weight gain and tamoxifen. My onc and others SWEAR that there are some women who actually have weight LOSS with this drug. My onc even thinks I am one of those women as I have lost weight on it. However, the amount of weight I lost and the amount of work I put into that loss do not match. I should have lost twice as much weight.. or more! I looked back at the calendar from 2005 and 2006 when I was actively working on weight loss. I actually lost 2-3 pounds most weeks! That would be a dream now. I am doing SO much more physical activity now than I did then and I am eating an even better diet. Still, no weight loss in over 2 months.

As part of my last round of blood tests, I had a full panel of thyroid tests. If your thyroid panel does NOT include a FREE T4, you are not getting an accurate picture. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE ON TAMOXIFEN. The typical (aka cheaper and more widely available) thyroid panel includes a calculated T4. One of the many things tamoxifen does results in an increase is the proteins that bind the functional thyroid hormone in our bodies. This will make the thyroid panel look normal when it actually is not... unless you are also getting a free t4 done as well. The free T4 measures the functional hormone that is available for use by the body. The hormone that is bound to protein is NOT available for use. The free T4 will give you a more accurate picture of your thyroid function. Even more so than a TSH.

Yeah.. I know that wasn't perfectly clear. I'd have to launch into a full lecture on how the thyroid and hypothalamus function and control metabolism and I have a ballet class to get to go today. And Pilates. If I can't lose weight, at least I can look toned. :) And without ovarian testosterone, building muscle mass is even more difficult, but that's another lecture!

Musings on the last day of March

I think I am gearing myself up mentally for that whole anniversary reaction bit.

My mind is going places where it hasn't been for sometime.

As I was driving home from taking Rachel to school this morning and running through my "to do" list for the day, it hit me that this was the last day of March. I tried to remember what the last day of March 2006 was like. I remember that we were coming out of a bit of stress as Howie had recieved a "lay off" notice earlier that month. March 31 was supposed to be his last day, but he was swept up by another group within the company, given more $, and ended up starting his new position that day. That notice was what sent the wheels into motion. I made appointments for all my so called routine check ups before we needed to start COBRA (which never happened either).

By now, we all know what happened next. It started quietly. My body was rebelling against me. First, my blood pressure was elevated at my gyn appointment. That made it so I could get in to see my internist much more quickly. Turned out it was probably stress related as that went away. Then, I went for my pelvic ultrasound. I had a small ovarian cyst we had been watching for years thanks to a family history of ovarian cancer. The cyst was no longer small and surgery was up for discussion. That discussion suddenly took a back seat once my mammography results were in. But, I'm jumping ahead. The mammography films did not occur until April 2006. Back in March 2006, I was still happily living in the land of the benign. I knew before the end of April that my life had changed. It was April 18. It wouldn't be confirmed until May 1, when I was officially diagnosed. But I knew when before I left the radiology suite on the day I had the additional films and the sonogram left no question at all.

Is there a point to this? I'm not sure. I do know that up until this morning, I was considering making a call to my oncologist about my hip pain. I kept telling myself it's related to all my dance classes. I didn't go to any classes at all last week. All I did for exercise was walk and clean the house (a small miracle on the latter). The pain persisted. When you live in Cancerville, every pain is a possible met (foci of metastatic disease). But, after a full week off from dance classes, my hip pain is gone. Doctor cure thyself. :) And yes, I am going back to dance class anyway. After all, tomorrow is Salsa day! When my hip start hurting again, I'll know just what to blame.

Salsa is a million times more fun than cancer anyday. :P

March in a nutshell

Guess who is 11? Hard to believe it was already 11 years ago that we were carrying this 18 inch munchkin around in our arms. I think she's 4 1/2 feet tall now. I forgot to write it down at her annual check up. Either way, all I know is that she is rapidly approaching my height!

The photo was taken at the Cinderella dinner at the Grand Floridian in WDW. Rachel is actually wearing TWO tiaras in that photo. The birthday tiara is part of having your birthday at that particular dinner. The other, smaller, more Rachel-style tiara was part of a birthday present from Grandma in Florida. Rachel had wanted to go to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique since it was first announced. It never really fit into our plans and I admit the price was a turn off for me. Grandma was more than happy to enlist the fairy godmothers in training at WDW and make Rachel's wish a reality. She went for the classic princess look, which is why she is wearing make up and has more hair gel than she used to wear in a year, back in the days when she wore gel to dance class.

And, here's the whole crew. I actually got into a photo! I might even be in more, but I haven't checked the PhotoPass yet. This is Rachel and I with my mother-in-law, just after we arrived in the Magic Kingdom. Howie decided he'd rather hang out at the resort and go for a long run instead of spending a day in the parks. Rachel is holding Violette, the elephant her friend Elise gave her for her birthday. Rachel made a photo diary of Violette's adventures in Florida for Elise, so the elephant appears in almost all our photos from this trip. I am holding My Pal Mickey who was not feeling very well on this trip. He needed a little surgery (new battery) and we neglected to have the procedure performed, so he spent the rest of the time in my bag.

Otherwise, March has been filled with routine doctor appointments for both Rachel and I. Nothing out of the ordinary. I am still working on the whole weight loss thing, but not very successfully. I must be building one heck of a lot of muscle is all I can say! I am still taking at least two 90 minute ballet classes a week, sometimes three. Most other days, I get in at least 30 minutes of cardio. With all the calories I am burning, the weight should be melting away. But it is not. I am not hitting my 2 lb a month goal. Lost 2 lbs in January and 1 in Feb. I regained weight on vacation, as usual and I am going to rack up a 0 lb loss for March I suspect. Not a good trend. I started keeping a food diary again to see if I could make some adjustments. I decided that perhaps my pastic surgeon was correct and that I am not eating enough. I was just hitting 1000 calories a day. I've loosed up and I'm now back in the 1200-1500 range (aside from that week on vacation). Not seeing any benefit at all yet. I'm planning to try to add another exercise class or two (Salsa-cise!) starting next week and will see what that does. I suspect I am making progress inches-wise, but silly me has not done those measurements.

Happy Sadie Hawkins Day- NOT

I couldn't let February fly by with just one blog post, so you'll have to bear with my ramblings for the day.

I honestly and truly thought February 29 was Sadie Hawkins Day.

I have no idea where I got that idea from, but for some strange reason, I looked it up today and learned that Feb 29 is *just* leap day. Sadie Hawkins Day is in November.

Who knew?

Not me this morning when I wished Rachel a very Happy Sadie Hawkins Day. She actually knew what Sadie Hawkins Day was. That shouldn't be a surprise to me or anyone that knows her. Rachel collects little factoids like other children collect rocks. She does collect rocks too, but that's another story.

Li'l' Abner, which is were Sadie Hawkins Day comes from, has long been retired as a comic strip. Even worse, I'm afraid the musical version has faded into obscurity. When's the last time your high school or community theater put on their version of Li'l' Abner? 1981? I think that's when my high school did it. I'm betting most of you never even knew it was a musical at all. I have to admit the musical was on Broadway well before I was even born. I just happened to grow up in a house where the soundtrack was musical theater. We listed to Li'l' Abner, Shenandoah, 1776, Fiddler on the Roof, Brigadoon, and of course, Fiorello, which was not just a musical but my parents' first date. I can still picture the cast album to Li'l' Abner. I have no idea if it survived our childhood though. No idea where those albums, actual vinyl record albums, are anymore.

Still, without the album at hand, I was able to introduce Rachel to the sounds of "It's a Typical Day" and "I'm Past My Prime," the only songs I could remember from the show. It's funny how these things float back into your mind. As the day has gone on, I've been able to add more verses and even more songs like "Put 'Em Back" and bits of "Julibation T. Cornpone." Too funny. I think I'm revisiting my childhood bit by bit. All this dance may be opening up parts of my brain that have been in storage for far too long.

Speaking of dance, I tried a jazz/hip-hop class today. I should say, I tried a class called jazz/hip-hop today. There was certainly no hip-hop to speak of and not any jazz either. I saw an ad in the local paper offering a class for moms. I thought it was perfect because I am, afterall, a mom. I was even a little nervous because it said hip-hop and goodness knows I've never done a step of hip-hop in my life. No need to worry. LOL. It was more like a glorified aerobic class. I suspect the sweet gal who taught the class has more training in cheerleading than dance. Or something other than dance. I'm not sure what. If you've ever watched Nigel on "So You Think You Can Dance" comment on the sad state of dance instruction in the US, you understand.

I know, I know. I am a total dance snob. This goes beyond that, though. The flooring wasn't good. It was slippery and wooden. A dance studio today should have sprung floors. It's a safety issue. Sadly, I suspect I won't be going back to this studio. Onward and upward!

Another little happy dance

Miss me?

I just haven't had much to say lately. Life goes on.

I've been working on the ever slow weight loss process. It's frustratingly slow. Especially when I watch the Biggest Loser (as I did this morning courtesy of TIVO) and see these folks with massive weight loss each week. I know it's not a realistic situation and I know at my weight, I'll never see those numbers. Even worse, being on tamoxifen, it is a constant battle to simply maintain my weight. Not sure I'm going to hit my goal this month, but it should be close. You'd think with a 2 lb goal, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Didn't get to ballet today because Rachel is ill and home from school. Tried pushing myself in the gym instead. Not the same but it's better than sitting around.

On the other hand, one of the primary reasons I have been working so hard on diet and exercise is for my overall health. I've been on medication for my lipids (aka cholesterol and triglycerides) for 9 months now. Just got my 3 month supply for a mere $125 that would bring it to a year. I also just got my recent blood test results.

NORMAL
100% totally normal!!!!!

I have to say I was totally blown away by those results. I had been concerned about "cheating." I love my carbs far too much. Giving up red meat was not hard at all. But carbs... they are my friend. Especially simple sugars. I've already gone to whole grain breads and pastas and greatly limited even those but I admit I am a sucker for a few Hershey kisses, cookies, or a few jelly beans. I should explain further. After 3 months on the medication, my cholesterol was normal, but the triglycerides were still a hair over the line. My cholesterol is now at the bottom of the normal range at 125! And my triglycerides are squarely in the midst of the normal range at 100.

I can't take all the credit. I do have to admit it probably wasn't just all diet, exercise, medication, and fish oil supplements that did this. I suspect a portion of the credit might go to tamoxifen as well. I've been on that for almost a year now. Tamoxifen is known for a having a positive effect on the lipid profile in most women. So, I'll tip my hat to tamoxifen too.

My tumor markers are normal too, as is everything else. It's funny. Having normal blood work is something I very definitely took for granted in the past. Today, it's all extraordinary phenomenal news in my book!

Going to celebrate with a jelly bean or two or three. :P

A joyful dance!

Today was joyful on more than one level.

On of our last combinations in ballet today was to "We're Off to see the Wizard" from, you got it, the ever popular "Wizard of Oz." It certainly did get us to skip our jetes. So much fun! I can't even begin to explain.

Then, I was off to see my own personal wizard, my plastic surgeon who has certainly done a wonderful job of creating something from nothing for me on many occassions. My tattoos were deemed gorgeous and lifelike. Even better, I was semi-discharged. My next appointment, unless something comes up in the meantime (more on that in a sec) is 2 years. 2010!!! Will I even remember to schedule an appointment? I only have to see him every two years.

Well, that's every two years providing I don't need revisions of any sort. We went with a lighter, pinker than average color for my tats. So, it's more likely to fade and need touch ups. Right now, that would be OK with me. There are actually a few shirts I have to wear a bra with now because you can see through them a little. Oh well. :P

Then, there's the revisions bit. As much as I hate to say it, as it stands now, I really could use a little more surgery. There's a little bit of extra tissue/skin on the sides that just doesn't go with my new girls. It did work with the old ones, but they tried to kill me, so I don't care for any reminders. This revision surgery is not going to happen, if at all, until I lose the weight. I know, I know. Some friends will say I'm just fine the way I am... and I thank you for that... you are good friends. :) I may even decide once the weight it off that I still don't want the surgery. If it's going to involve liposuction, I might just pass on the whole thing. Lipo is no fun to recover from. We'll see when the time comes. I've got 22 lbs to go.

That's right. I succeeded in my first month's goal. More joy! 2 lbs down. Hoping to pick up the pace a little in February as I'm hoping to kick my metabolism into gear with all this exercise I've been doing lately.

Onto February!

ETA:

Almost forgot.

I have another scrapbook page to share.

This is from Scribble Scrabble's Felicity line. This line actually has some pretty flowered paper. For some reason, I just keep using the louder stars and circles.

That big felt star and the little felt star are from the "Tis the Season" felt shapes from FancyPants. It's a Christmas themed product, but I keep finding other uses for almost everything in it. Can't wait to get the rest of the Nutcracker images so I can do a few more pages with the more Christmasy elements.

It's that time of year again.....

For my non-scrapbooking readers, which may very well be the majority as I'm not really sure who if anyone aside from a few friends reads my blog anymore, we are in the final days leading up to CHA. CHA is the Craft and Hobby Association's twice a year trade show. What does that have to do with a part-time physician, full time mom, and returning adult ballet student? LOL. My other hobby is designing scrapbook pages and various paper crafts and I d0 this for two manufacturers. I won't actually be attending the show in Anaheim (wish I was!) but some of my work will be there.

So.. that means I've actually been creating a little again. :) Some of which I can actually share. Others are for the trade show or publications and need to wait a little longer.

This one is Rachel and her friend, Elise. They are convinced they are best friends for life. They actually only see each other twice a week at ballet as Elise is taking classes in another level. On the off days, they stay in touch just like tweens and teens everywhere with IM and emails. The papers and die cuts are all from Scribble Scrabble's new Felicity line.

This is my niece, Hannah, photographed in Rachel's arms, when Miss Hannah was just a few hours old. I love these papers from Scribble Scrabble's new Circus Baby collection. I've been scrapping non-baby layouts with them too.

I have to give a plug for this book which is now available on Amazon. I was honored to be a contributor. It is an amazing collection of art journals and the stories behind them. It's also filled with journalling worksheets and prompts. Definitely the most meaningful thing I've been involved with in the papercrafting world. I admit that I initially had mixed feelings about sharing something like my cancer art journal with the world as there are some pretty raw feelings expressed in those pages. When Rachel saw my pages in the book, she was surprised because it was a project she had never seen. She's my usual audience and number one critic. But she didn't get to see this, just like she doesn't get to read my journal. She does read my blog whenever she can (hi Rach) though. :) I am so glad I participated in this book and I am honored to be included with the other strong and creative women featured in it's pages.

Twirly Girl

That's me.

I took two ballet classes this week. Back to back, in fact. One yesterday and one today. I am totally addicted to ballet again, just like when I was 12.

I actually need to order more dancewear. For me! Not Rachel. What a strange concept.

I feel like I found a piece of myself that was missing.


And, on that long road out of Cancerville, I am happy to report that the *%#&*)^& toenail has been declared by my podiatrist to officially be improving! My next check up is in 3 months at which time I hope to be discharged from his care. Of course, that will mean that I have room in my schedule to see other specialists, like the gastroenterologist and the cardiologist my internist has asked me to see. But, we'll cross that bridge later. For now, I'm just a 5 doc girl. A twirly girl at that. :P

I DID IT!!!

I feel like jumping up and down! (where's Vern when you need her anyway :P)

I DID IT!!

I went back to ballet class for the first time in 20 years. Probably 25 years since I took class on a more than once a week basis.

It was like coming home.

OK, So it was like coming home but the lights are off and someone rearranged all the furniture! LOL!

I took a 90 minute advanced adult ballet class. I think if I could have taken an adult beginner class (they don't have one at this studio), it would have helped because I wouldn't have been quite as lost. Everything moved much faster than I remembered!! But when I was able to remember what I was supposed to be doing, I could do it! That probably doesn't make much sense, but it works for me. :P I was able to get through most of the barre exercises (and I've been told this particular teacher's barre is a tough one) but floundered on the floor exercises quite a bit. I think there was only one combination that I was able to master. For the rest, I just tried to get bits and pieces of them.

Afterwards, the instructor did pay me a few nice compliments... including saying that it was clear that I had been very well trained. (That might be true but it was once upon a time... LOL). I remember the days when I could walk into any dance class anywhere and pretty much keep up, so it was a little frustrating for me and I imagine it will be until I get back in the groove. Yup. I am going back again.

For the last 20 years, I've tried different forms of exercise but haven't stuck with anything. Quite frankly, I don't enjoy running. Walking is OK, but I get bored even listening to music while I walk or even while watching TV (the latter helps more). I've tried aerobic dancing and plain old aerobics. I've even tried yoga, which I enjoyed and still do, but it's not like this. I think I've been looking far too long for something that was always around the corner. Well.. not quite around the corner, but close enough. If I have any regrets in this life, it's that I stopped taking dance classes. I can say that now that I've tried it again. :) I'm already thinking ahead and wondering if I can fit in 2 classes a week.... of course... that's today. I probably won't feel that way after I wake up tomorrow and after we sit on the plane to Florida for 2+ hours!!

tombe, pas de bouree, pirrouette... and again. :)

Resolutions and leotards

I usually resolve not to have any resolutions, but not this year.

You've already read my first one- surgery free in 2008!

I'm also aiming for no new diagnoses for 2008 as well. I think my personal list of medical problems is more than long enough for someone in their early 40's.

I'm going public with this next one in hopes that I'll stick with it. If I can keep the above two goals in control, this will be more likely. I plan to lose 25 lbs in 2008. There. I said it. Or wrote it. Either way, it's out there now. Mind you, my internist was impressed that I managed not to gain weight on tamoxifen. Not entirely true because I've gained small amounts and then lost them. We're talking 2-3 pounds, up and down. I finally broke through and actually broke through that plateau. So, now I'm going the rest of the way. Still, despite tamoxifen, I am going to lose weight this year.

Just yesterday, I purchased what just might become my little insurance policy for that weight loss. I admit, the morning after the bilateral mastectomy, I suddenly became aware of my belly. After all, I could see it for the first time in decades. :P LOL. Yesterday brought about another of those revelations. There is little out there that is more motivating to lose weight than trying on a leotard and tights! Yes, I bought a leotard and tights for me. Not Rachel. For me. For the first time in 20 years, I am going back to dance class. Ballet specifically. So, I bought ballet slippers too. :)

I admit I am nervous! Almost in the same way I was nervous about getting my port installed. But that wasn't so bad so I'm hoping this won't be so bad either. When I mentioned it to my dad, he went on and on about how good I was, back in the day. I reminded him that 2 decades have passed. Didn't mention the extra 25 lbs that I carry either. It's funny, because back in those days, I wouldn't have been nervous about walking into any dance class. I could have taken almost any dance class and kept up. But that was then and this is now. I don't remember the names of steps anymore and my body doesn't exactly remember how to do them. I'm worrying over perfectly silly things like remember the steps for combinations, things I used to pick up the first time through.

No more excuses. I've been finding excuses for most of the last year. Too many surgeries to recover from. Too much weight to lose first. Not enough stamina. But, then someone pointed out that there will always be something. She was right. If I keep waiting for the perfect time to go back, I'll never go back. So, I'm going. At least I'm going to try it. Wish me luck!

Tattoos and New Years Resolutions

Good news and bad news.

This statement is both.

TATTOOS HURT!!!!

I just had to say that.
One would think the fact that if I close my eyes I can't tell if someone is touching my chest, I wouldn't have PAIN! Of course, if you remember my story of having nipple reconstruction done without sedation or general anesthesia, you know that this is something we already discovered. Still, it came as a surprise to me just how very much I could feel. Not pleasant at all.

I did opt for local anesthesia and I am so glad I did. It STILL hurt in certain areas and it certainly did sting as the local was being infiltrated. What amazed me was that it not only hurt while the tattoos were being done, my pseudo-breasts hurt afterwards. I was sore for the remainder of the day and into the night. I suppose I could have taken a Tylenol or something stronger, but it was nothing compared to the post-op pain I've had with other procedures. Plus there was something odd and bizarre about the fact that I was experiencing discomfort in an area where I allegedly don't have feeling.

Now, more good news.

I cannot even begin to explain how real these things look. If you are a breast reconstruction patient and haven't had this done yet or have been putting it off, it is SO worth having done. Even if you don't have nipples. It's been a day and I can already say that those huge long mastectomy scars that run across each "foob" and into my side on each side are much less noticable. The eye just doesn't go there. It's amazing. I realize the color will fade, but even the color they are now is OK. They used a base coat of one color (flesh 4, I believe) and then added several other colors to make them look natural (I know brick red, chocolate brown and some kind of pink were used). Simply amazing. It's that something out of nothing bit again. Amazing.

I'm really hoping this takes. There's a small percentage of people who end up with the color rapidly fading due to mast cell activity. Knowing that I do tend to be an allergic type person, I'm hoping I'm not in that percentage. I don't want to do this again. Don't want to even need a touch up. I am so very much done with procedures and surgery. My number one personal New Year's resolution is "SURGERY FREE IN 2008!" I will gladly perform any and all surgeries on other people. I am just not planning on having anything done in 2008... and maybe even never again. Never is a very long time though. I'll take it in smaller steps. I know I made need some revisions and certainly, the implants may very well need replacing someday. In the meantime, I just want to finish healing both these tattoos and my blasted toe.

Surgery free. I like the sound of that.

Another Day, Another Doctor

I think I much prefer having my appointments more spread out than this.

Yesterday's issues have been resolved. My normal podiatrist called me back, told me he would address the issue and told me there would be no charge for the visit. I have an appointment to see him after the new year.

Today is something different though.

Today is TATTOO day!!

I never in my wildest dreams imagined I'd have tattoos. Granted there is nothing exotic or creative about these tattoos. That's really just fine. I've known for a very long time that anything I'd choose to put on my body would be something that I would hate eventually. I change my mind and my tastes far too much!

It's kind of funny. I've had the reconstructed nipples now for 5 months. I've gotten used to them. Now, with the tattoos, I'll be getting areolas and color. So bizarre when you think about it. Just like when the nipples where made back in July.

I admit I'm a tiny bit nervous about the whole thing. Not too nervous though because, unlike your regular tattoo parlor and even unlike the other breast reconstruction plastic surgeon in the office, my doc uses a local anesthetic! I know, I know.. I allegedly have no feeling. But that's not the reality. We learned when I had the nipple reconstruction that I actually DO have feeling, especially on the right side. Ouch! I felt the needle for the local go in on both sides, it only hurt on the one side... and that was 5 months ago. I didn't get to watch that procedure though. I was draped and prepped in the usual sterile fashion (that's a dictation phrase every surgeon and many medical transcriptionists will recognize LOL). I wonder if I'll get to watch this. Rachel is accompanying me and is hoping that at least she will get to watch!

My appointment is at 11 am today. I totally forgot to ask how long it should take. I'm thinking we'll have to go out to lunch afterwards. :) What a long way we have come, my little girl and I. It really wasn't all that long ago, spring 2006, when we went out for lunch after that drastic hair cutting session. I remember asking her about a million times if the wig was still on straight. I was so self conscious that first outting. I was so self conscious everytime I wore it those first few weeks. Funny how things change, because at the end, I was self conscious when I DIDN'T wear it! LOL! I also remember the tears. I really held myself together and didn't cry when my hair was cut down to nothing. We were actually laughing and having fun. The tears came later. No tears today! They actually came yesterday. I'm tired of dealing with the aftermath of cancer, but glad I am around to do so.

Please and Thank you or IT'S IN THE CHART!

In the last year and a half, I've spent far more time than I ever envisioned I would on the other side of the proverbial (or not so proverbial) exam table.



There are some (and these people annoy me endlessly) who say I'm going to be a better physician as a result from what I've learned by being a cancer patient. Hate to disappoint those folks (NOT) but what did or did not make me a good physician has not changed. And, saying something like that implies you know something about the type of care I provided in the past. I've not ever heard someone who actually knows that first or even third hand say something like that. I think what might have changed is my level of tolerance. I have absolutely no tolerance for substandard medical care of any sort.



Can you tell I had a medical appointment today? LOL



Today's appointment is reminiscent of when one of the ob/gyn residents made rounds on me when I was in the hospital last fall after my marathon surgery (a little review for those that might not know or remember... I had a bilateral mastectomy, tissue expander placement, port removal, and bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy... and a few other smaller procedures). It was so obvious that this resident did not bother reading my chart before he walked into the room. He clearly had NO idea what specific surgeries I had and by what approach. This was the very next morning after the surgery. Not a time when I was up for teaching, but I moved into that mode very quickly.



This may come as a shock to some, but there is actually a reason, aside from insurance requirements and possible lawsuits, why we keep medical charts in the first place. {warning: I'm feeling the sarcasm come on}. Did you know that physicians actually kept records BEFORE there ever were insurance companies in the first place? :P This is so very basic, but the first thing you do, before you even enter the room, is you read the chart. It's like a good book. There's so much information and background in there. It's why we, as patients, fill out all those forms. As a physician, I respect the time someone spends filling them out. I still ask the questions though because I often get more tidbits of relevant info. When I am a patient, I expect the same courtesy. Not only is there important information in there that the patient has written, but you can {more sarcasm} actually find out what the previous physicians have found/prescribed/thought/planned, etc. If, perchance, one does not look at the chart before entering the room, one looks at it after introducing oneself to the patient. It's like saying please and thank you. It's basic, basic, basic.



So, that's what happened again today. When it happened with that resident, he obviously reported it to his superiors (I would not let him take off a dressing because I DIDN'T HAVE ONE TO TAKE OFF!!!! LOL). He must have been a good guy because he let them know that I was not pleased and why. I first explained that he needed to read ANY chart before he walked into a room, no matter what his superiors told him to do. I also explained that I understood the pressure to get everything done as I had been an ob/gyn resident at the same hospital, but that not looking at the chart is inexcusable and something someone should have told him long before. I rarely ever pull the doctor card, but when I am complaining about medical care I think it shows where I am coming from. I used to be involved in teaching students and residents, but I am not now. Honestly, I think this is the sort of thing, like please and thank you, that should not have to be taught at this level.



Today, however, I was not seeing a resident. I went to see a podiatrist, someone who has been out of training at least as long as I have. I did not see the podiatrist I normally see. Instead, I saw his partner. When I am seeing a practicing medical provider of any sort, I have basic expectations. If it is the first time I am seeing you, I expect you to introduce yourself and I expect you to read my chart. "Have I seen you before?" is not usually a question for the patient, but if it is, and the answer ends up being "no," that's your cue to LOOK AT THE CHART. Sadly, I am no longer an uncomplicated early 40-something with a single straight forward problem. I have a nice little problem list. You should be aware of that when you speak to me about my medical issue, ideally before you even enter the room. I do not expect to have to give you a full detailed history in the middle of the appointment or even at the end of the appointment because a) IT'S IN THE CHART and b) IT'S IN THE CHART. Your opinion becomes worthless if you don't know my medical history and current medical problems. You just wasted my time and my money. Maybe. I've already complained to the office about this and do not plan to pay for an appointment where not only was nothing done, but the advice given did not apply to situation.

Totally ruined my day.

And, it reminded me why I stick to physicians who come recommended by other healthcare professionals. This is not the first time I've seen a partner who was not up to snuff. It shouldn't have to be this way. As I mentioned before, when I am in the patient role, I don't bring up the doctor card. I expect the same care as anyone else. Days like this make me wonder though. This office clearly does not realize I'm a physician (even though IT'S IN THE CHART, lol) but maybe they should. Maybe I need to give my name as Dr. Ackerman and sign in that way. It should not have to be that way... and it won't be. I will not see this podiatrist again. I'll stick to the one that actually looks at the chart.

Am I too picky? Are my standards too high? I don't think so.

The drama of December

Wow. Blog much? I guess I don't! LOL.

So much going on. Lots of running around. All things that were definitely more difficult for me at this time last year, even though I didn't want to admit that at the time. I much prefer being further away from treatment (shh... yes, I am still being treated but taking a pill everyday has become routine).

I never shared the results of haircut number two. I think I can safely say that the chemocurl is gone now. I still have curlier hair, it's just not those tight curls I had before. I think I was always fighting my curls in the world before chemo. I definitely had wavy hair, but I was always trying to get it to be somewhat straight. Now, I treat it like curly hair, I don't brush it and I use those shampoos and products for curly hair. Who knew? LOL.

And since a post like this deserves a photo

This was taken at the end of November, just after haircut number 2. This is my friend Nancy, one of my college roomies. She and her girls came up for the Princeton-RPI hockey game. We went to RPI, who happened to win the game. :) I am extremely proud of Nancy, who looks lost in that sweatshirt... something that fit her a year or so ago. She will be featured in the March issue of the magazine put out by Curves for it's members. Over the course of about 2 years, she has lost 200 lbs through diet and exercise alone. That's right, diet and exercise alone! And a good measure of persistence. I've known her for over half my life and never would have recognized her without her kids. She sounds the same and her eyes are the same, but that's about it. The last time we saw each other was just shortly before my diagnosis and when she was at about the halfway point, so we were both new women in one way or another. I'm also going to point out that I actually fit into my old band shirt from college. :P

And because our girls always reunite as if they had just seen each other the day before instead of a year or two before, here's a photo of the whole gang minus dh, who took the photo. That's 11 yo Nikki, not yet 11 yo Rachel (she has another 3 months to go), and 13 yo Emily. While they were visiting, we went through some old scrapbooks, going all the way back to March 1 1997, when Rachel was still in utero (for 5 more days).

I did title this the drama of December. There has been a lot of drama lately. Fortunately, it's all just life with a tween. In the last week, we've had 5 performances and countless rehearsals of the Nutcracker (almost, still 2 school performances to go today), There was a band concert on her only night off from dance where Rachel forgot her flute (don't even go there... it was the first event that Howie could attend in sometime and he rushed the 45 minutes to home to get her flute, but arrived moments too late). Some little dramas at school, mostly involving hating gym. Nothing too huge. Just enough to make me excited for winter break!

My own little drama is going quite smoothly at the moment. I am getting my tattoos, the last stage in my breast reconstruction, on Dec 20. Picking the color was rather anticlimatic. I am so very pale, that there were really only two possible choices of colors. The surgeon had a card with areaola colors grouped by skin color. He held the card up and the choice was obvious. Of course, reconstruction is not a static event. There may be revisions and I may need the actual implants replaced someday. The tattoos may also need some touching up in the future. But for now, this is it for me. I've had enough.

Can you believe it?

I'm going for haircut #2 this week.

It's only been 6 weeks, but my bangs are driving me nuts again. So, I'm going back in! LOL.

My second haircut since it all fell out. I suspect I'm going to need haircuts more often keeping it this way. I could also use color again, but I'm too cheap to spend all that money at once. I swear I need to learn how to cover my grays myself one of these days. If only they'd put the directions on the outside of those boxes so I could judge for myself without buying it first!