Welcome to the Journey

4 yrs ago...

2010-09-03T11:16:00.002-04:00

I see my last entry was when summer was just getting started.

Since then, Rachel has completed 5 weeks of a summer intensive and a week long workshop and started school again! She's already a full month into her schoolwork. What have I done in that time? I've retained my role as chief chauffeur. Oh yes, and the chauffeur has a new set of wheels. After 15 yrs, we bid farewell to my Eclipse, may she rest in peace. She was the car that was bought because we were planning to expand our family. My previous car only sat 2! No room for a carseat.

Four summers ago, my chauffeur role was not quite as easy as it is today. I don't think about those days very often anymore, but had a reminder today.

After 4 years, it was time to renew my driver's license.

Did you know that in NJ you can actually reuse your old photo? I had no idea. The gal behind the counter just assumed I wouldn't want to change mine. I had to correct that. The day I had that photo taken was the day I realized that I was actually losing my eyelashes. There were a few left, but the vast majority were gone. Yes, they, along with my eyebrows, have made a return appearance. The eyebrows are the same as they always were, but my eyelashes have never been the same again. Fortunately, it's something I only notice when I put mascara on and that's a rarity. :) As much as anyone hates having a license photo taken, I'm pretty much thrilled to have a driver's license featuring my very own hair (not a wig) and a full set of eyebrows and eyelashes. :)

P.S. This one is for Peggy. Enjoy Alaska!

School's out! Or is it?

2010-06-17T20:19:00.004-04:00

We've finished our first year of homeschooling and we're on summer break. Hurray!

Actually, Rachel was done with most of her first year of schoolwork through Laurel Springs School (distance learning program) about a month ago, back in mid-May. There was a cumulative algebra test to take in early June, but otherwise she was done.

Here's a little summary of our adventures and what we've learned along the way.

The fall was a little nuts when I temporarily worked some rather insane hours. T'was residency-like quantities, and I mean OLD residency (my era), not current residency hours! Fortunately, we all survived. I'm even catching up on the housework. And tackling the weight I regained by not exercising 2 hrs most days each week. And, we learned from the insanity of those months that Rachel does best with some scheduling assistance/time management help.

Her program consisted of 36 weeks of lessons in each subject- English, Math, Science, History, French, and Health/PE. Unlike traditional school where you rarely get to the very end of the textbook, every single bit was covered. There was no escaping. You also answer every question yourself. There's no waiting in a classroom to see if someone else will answer. The "calendar year" for the program is 40 weeks long, so that in the end, you get the equivalent of 4 weeks of vacation. I admit that Rachel got behind in a few classes. There were times when I wondered if she'd finish on time at the 40 week mark. I seriously thought she might need an extention. Funny thing is, she really kicked into gear and, in the end, she finished pretty close to the 36 week mark. Not that we did not take vacation- we went to Disney for a week in Sept and March. She took a lot of time off in December because her friends were all free and some time around Thanksgiving. Not to mention performances in The Nutcracker and The Secret Garden. By the time we came back from Florida in March, we had taken at least 4 full weeks off. In addition, we spent a few days here and there doing things other than schoolwork. She certainly took off more than 4 weeks, but somehow managed to finish as if we never took off anytime at all! (insert Mommy brag here- and with A's!)

I have been impressed not just by her new study skills, but her new insights into learning. It's been an exciting transformation to witness. After a year at home, she now thoroughly understands how she learns best. She likes to tackle a subject a day. She'll spend a few hours working on a history unit, the equivalent of a week's worth of history, and then leave it alone for a week. Sometimes, she might just keep going and do two weeks worth in a day. She recently visited RPS, her old school, and was taken by surprise by the short periods and what she viewed as a relatively small amount of material covered per class period. She says that if she were to go back to a traditional school, she'd be an entirely different student. It was quite clear to her, in each and every class, what the most important point being taught was and how much of the rest of the time was superfluous.

I have to say Rachel has always been an excited, almost rabid, learner. She's the child who could not wait to get to school each day. Yet, there were times she was bored in school. She's rarely bored at home. Except now. School's out for the summer. It's been out for a while. We've had other distractions- the year end performance workshop (aka dance recital), an out of state funeral to attend, a party (our 17th anniversary and mortgage burning party) and a few smaller things. But, that's over now. In less than 2 weeks, Rachel starts her ballet summer intensive (6 days a week of dance, 9-4). Not much time left and we have an activity scheduled for everyday until it starts. Should be enough, right? Well, not for my child. She asked me today if she could please start some schoolwork. She's had enough vacation and is ready to get back to work. No, I didn't faint. I almost saw it coming. Almost. There are only 2 weeks left, not enough time to order anything, so we went off to Barnes and Noble to satisfy her workbook craving. Her plan for the remainder of her free time- a Latin workbook, a review workbook (standardized testing practice), and perhaps a little Japanese 1 throught MIT's OpenCourseWare.

What can I say? I am pleased beyond words (hmm.. maybe not. I've certainly written plenty here!) Our little journey into homeschooling this year has been successful by every measure- her academic success, time management skills, and most important, the impressive renewal of her love of learning. In just one short academic year, I am confident that she has learned the most important goal of schooling- becoming a lifetime learner.

Backyard Ballerina

2010-05-01T17:52:00.005-04:00

I posted these on Facebook (and yes, this blog automatically updates to Facebook so this is a repeat for some), but I was reminded by someone today that not everyone who normally reads my quite neglected blog is not on Facebook.

That said, I bring you the backyard ballerina! She has been bugging me to go do some fun ballet photo shoots at various locations. Now that the weather is finally agreeable, some of those may happen. This shoot was rather spontaneous when we finally had a nice day after a Sunday rehearsal. It was also a way to make sure that she finally retired a pair of rather dead pointe shoes! These are a few of our favorites.

Next up- DanceVision's The Secret Garden on May 8 at 7pm and May 9 at 1pm. Tickets available at www.dancevisionnj.org

And the road curves, ever so slightly

2010-03-31T08:55:00.002-04:00

I imagine it was the news that I only need to see my breast surgeon yearly that set me off on this new path..... this path that I thought was leading me so very far away from Cancerville that I would no longer be considered a citizen.

We won't discuss how someone who has had a bilateral mastectomy and oophorectomy and has perky silicone implants instead of actual non-perky breasts could possibly think they would ever not be considered a citizen of Cancerville. Let's agree to skip that part.

Lately, as I approach the 4 yr post-diagnosis mark, I have been feeling more and more removed from that place and all that it entails. 5 years is a magical number in the oncology world. When you read survival statistics "cancer xyz at stage n has a 75% survival," it is a 5 yr survival rate you are reading, unless otherwise specified. Yes, just 5 years. There are many cancers where if you can get to 5yrs disease free, you are considered cured. Of course, unlike the portrayal in the media, breast cancer is not one of those cancers. It does not pay attention to silly things like medical journals and textbooks. It can come back to visit years later.

So, yesterday was my 6 month oncology visit and Zometa infusion. For some odd reason, I thought I was almost done. I was thinking one year more of tamoxifen and Zometa and then we make decisions. Decisions whether to follow conventional current wisdom and stop tamoxifen at the 5 yr mark and to stop Zometa at the 3 yr mark. Well, apparently despite 3 semesters of college calculus and a little more advanced math, I cannot count. I did not actually start tamoxifen until 2007. I was not thinking about that part. So, I am on tamoxifen until sometime in 2012. Not a huge deal. I am not experiencing anything I can blame on tamoxifen. But I was thinking that was it. One more year.

Instead, I am presented with my treatment plan through 2015.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a bad thing. Whatever I can do to keep the beast out of my body is what will be done. Including getting rid of the weight that so nastily reappeared when I was working excessive hours this past winter. 5 more years is just longer than I was anticipating of "treatment."

So, I'll hang out here in the distant suburbs of Cancerville a little longer. The alternative is unacceptable.

It's Cap and Gown Time

2010-01-26T14:00:00.003-05:00

How about a nice bottle of champagne?

It's graduation day!

No, Rachel has not finished her homeschool course for the year. She has about 14-16 weeks worth of work to go, depending on the subject, as long as she keeps up!

It's me.

I'm the graduate.

While it is not quite my 4 year cancer-versary, and obviously a bit more until that "magical" 5 year mark, my breast surgeon is allowing me to graduate to annual appointments. One less appointment to schedule and reschedule is a blessing! She's a tough one to get an appointment with... my appointment today was 2 months late for a 6 month check-up. Couldn't even get one for 6 months out when I left last time, and then 7 months turned into 8 when they rescheduled. Par for the course. But, I'd much rather give that precious appointment time to someone that really needs it. I still have an oncologist and an internist examining me at regular interals... at least for now.... and a plastic surgeon and a gyn-onc who probably expect to see me again one of these days.

In some ways, moving further down the road in the journey is disconcerting. There's the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. There's the sorrow over learning a friend is near the end of her days. There are women I know who were diagnosed around the same time I was who are fighting metastatic disease. Worse, there are those who now just live in our memories. A little survivor guilt mixed in with the normal fears. The last time I felt so content with my life, the shoe dropped and this detour began.

It all leads to a more cautious celebration, but still a celebration. I choose to celebrate all of it. Every day. Every minute. I am here to talk about it thanks to a so-called routine mammogram that I might have had to fight to get today.

October 2009

2009-12-30T15:01:00.001-05:00

Let's pretend the leaves are still falling and the weather is still beautiful. Let's pretend it's late October. OK?

Apparently, that is where I left off here at my long neglected blog. Where have I been? I've been insanely busy. I've been covering a maternity leave for another OB and I've appeared in DanceVision's The Nutcracker (along with Rachel and 60 or 70 of her closest friends). There have been very few moments to spare. I'm taking advantage of a few hours of downtime to clean up my computer's hard drive, which includes printing photos and burning CDs to get said photos off said hard drive.

So, without further ado, I bring you Halloween.

The first photo is Rachel and Katie, who played the role of Toto. She was such a good girl... both Rachel and Katie! Katie is a friend's pet. She stayed calmly in the basket throughout the evening. The remainder of the photos are from our annual Halloween photo shoot. Most were taken on the D+R Canal. Others were taken at the Plainsboro Preserve.

An article for Pinktober

2009-10-19T20:46:00.002-04:00

Not just any article, but one written by the very talented Pamela Grossman for Weight Watchers on-line. If you click, you may see a familiar occassional blogger quoted. :)

http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=78701

Zometa Round 3

2009-10-07T20:47:00.002-04:00

I think the further I move away from Cancerville, the more I forget I even have this blog.

I had my third round of Zometa recently. I have previous entries comparing a Zometa infusion to being run over by a truck. Flu-like symptoms just sounds so benign compared to the actual experience of said symptoms! So, it was not without trepidation that I approached this round.

The day did not start well. We have an industrial sized bottle of acetominophen in our house. For whatever reason, it could not be found. No where. Not in any medicine cabinet. Not in any place where medications end up when they don't get put away. This was bad news because I had been advised specifically to pre-medicate with acetominophen and then take it round the clock.

Then, we arrive at the oncologist's office, only to realize I had left my Zometa at home in the kitchen. My attempt at being early for my appointment (in hopes of being finished early) was a failure. After driving home and back yet again, I ended up appearing 15 minutes late for my appointment.

The morning continued a downward trend. I had people insisting on drawing my blood, something that had been done less than 2 weeks prior so that it wouldn't have to be done this day. I know I annoyed everyone by refusing the bloodwork. That is, everyone but my oncologist who agreed with me. :D

Finally, we make our way to the infusion room. I'm given a warm pack for my arm, the one with the lesser amount of missing in action lymph nodes. I ask for Tylenol, knowing they keep that sort of thing around. The infusion goes well, as always. I never have any symptoms during the infusion. The problem arises 12 hrs later when I am hit by shaking chills so severe that I can't sleep. Anyway, once it's all over, I ask again for Tylenol. The nurse practitioner says she'll give it to me if I tell her why. I explain and she says "You should have told me before. The secret is Benadryl. We would have given you IV Benadryl first." So instead, she gets me the Tylenol and a few tablets of Benadryl along with instructions to take both around the clock.

Lo and behold, t'was the most amazing thing! No shakes. No chills. No myalgias (muscle pain). I admit I did have some minimal bone pain, but nothing one would need a narcotic for. Just mild, run of the mill pain. It was the easiest round of Zometa ever! At least for me. :) And that's a good thing.

I mention all this because on all the message boards and all the blogs that I read prior to starting to Zometa, I had never seen this little hint for people with similar symptoms. I knew about acetominophen, but that was it... and that certainly did not do the trick by itself.

Lots more fun stuff coming up... really fun stuff, not medical stuff! I have tickets to see the Martha Stewart show for the breast cancer episode, I am having photos done of ME (more on that eventually), and I have a tiny bit part in the Nutcracker this year (I know, no tiny parts, just tiny dancers). More eventually...

Homeschool Science 101

2009-09-01T21:37:00.000-04:00

The adventure continues.

One of my hesitations with homeschooling/on-line schooling was science. I felt that Rachel had several years of wonderful science courses at RPS. Her first few on-line science lessons just did not seem as rigorous as what she had become accustomed to. She has been taking it up a notch or two or more on her own and with the help of her teacher. Still, there are days when she sits down at the computer and expects to be able to fly through at least some of the material.

And then she hit her first roadblock! This happened last one day last week. She thought she could sit down and just quickly finish the week's worth of environmental science. A few minutes later, I hear myself paged. "MOM!!! MOM!!! I CAN'T FINISH THIS!!!"

So, I head downstairs to the schoolroom to see what all the excitement is.

Poor child. She has to do an experiment. Said experiment will actually take a few weeks to complete.

I admit she did have other choices. She could have chosen to write a paper. But where's the fun in that?

Instead, we spend a few days gathering the materials and drinking soda so we could finish gathering the materials! We needed 6 soda bottles. Not easy to do in a house of 3! The remainder of the materials where easy to find- water from the canal, leaves from the poplar tree out front, grass clippings, newspaper and kitchen scraps. Yup. We've got two composters hanging out a corner of the kitchen.

So, now the playroom has become the schoolroom and the kitchen has become the science lab.

What's next?

Back to paper and paste

2009-08-14T11:06:00.003-04:00

Well, not really paste. I prefer less messy adhesives these days.

I need to convert my so-called scraproom back into a so-called guest room very shortly for a friend's visit next week. Of course, nothing ever inspires me as much as a clean work space.. and perhaps knowing that I shouldn't be making it messy!

Definitely the latter.

The arrival of new papercrafting related product also does a lot for inspiration. I received a wonderful box from Scribble Scrabble last week containing three new lines. With all this inspiration, I've been sneaking into the scrap room in spare moments and ended up with these creations (and a few more I can't shre quite yet). Unlike most of the previous releases, two of the lines are themed, a birthday line and a Halloween line. I admit that I normally avoid purchasing themed papers, but that is changing. Unlike themed papers I've tried to use in the past, these lines were so much fun and sooo very easy to use! The third line is called Lullaby of Birdland and is incredibly versatile. That's the one I used on the school layout and the piccolo layout... and I still haven't gotten into the leafy greens and the reds in this line yet... but hope to soon.

A New Journey

2009-08-12T18:41:00.003-04:00

As of August 1, we have begun a new journey.

Rachel has started 7th grade in a brave new world. A world without dress codes. A world without finite deadlines. A world without homework!

Rachel has become a homeschooler.

There are so many reasons why we have decided to try this route. Nevertheless, it was very hard to leave her previous school. She started there as a 3 yr old in the pre-K program. We had thought that she would graduate as a member of the class of 2015. But, we did not just leave the school, we have left the conventional concept of school.

Technically, she is a distance learner. We've enrolled her in a fully accredited distance learning program aka an on-line school. She can work at her own pace, on her own time, at her own level. The flexibility is already a greater gift than we ever imagined. It's not just the flexibility of when she does her schoolwork and how much she does at a sitting, it's also the flexibility of the curriculum to suit her needs specifically. We are still working out the kinks and the specifics, but it is still early in the game. She is taking a traditional mix of courses- English, History, Math, Science, Health/PE (ballet), and French. But, what she would have difficulty getting in a traditional school environment is the variety of grade levels. She's taking a mixture of 7th, 8th and high school level courses. We've been making changes as we go.. she's been taking assessments and trying out courses, moving up a few levels (Math, Science, History) and down (French) as need be. I suspect we are reaching the end of the tinkering and she should be settled into her coursework for each subject by the end of the week, next week at the latest.

I should also add that it was Rachel's idea to start school this early, instead of waiting for the traditional September. Yet another illustration of the flexibility.

Note: The scrapbook page at the top of the entry uses a small fraction of the many patterned papers in Scribble Scrabble's very recently released "Lullaby of Birdland" line. More scrapbook pages to follow in a later entry. :D

A Tale for Tuesday

2009-07-28T20:24:00.003-04:00

So, I am having a quiet day at home, finishing up a few projects, when the phone rings.

As I often do, I look at the caller ID before answering.

I see it is my internist's office calling. Odd as I don't have an appointment until September, but perhaps there's been a schedule change.

I answer and hear "Dr. Ackerman? We're calling because your insurance company notified us you did not have a colonoscopy this year."

Interesting.

Knowing that I am not quite the age for a routine colonoscopy but also knowing that my internist has been encouraging me to have one anyway (a result of my ever so wonderful family history and the fact that there are certain cancers that breast cancer survivors have a higher than average risk of developing.. not exactly fair, huh?), I begin to question the gal on the other end of the phone.

Before I get too far she says "Oh did I say colonoscopy? I meant mammogram. Your insurance company notified us that you have not had one this year and we are just reminding you."

Oh really? You are reminding ME to have a mammogram?

Can you see where this is going?

Without the slightest hint of sarcasm, anger or even humor, and without even thinking, I quickly respond "I haven't had a mammogram because I don't have breasts." (Silicone implants, pectoral muscles and skin are not actually breasts).

I think everyone in a 5 mile radius heard her gasp.

I matter of factly continue, "It's been almost 3 years since I had my bilateral mastectomy so I haven't had a mammogram since then."

Poor thing on the other end was babbling her apologies... and I kept talking! I did recommend they remind the insurance company so they don't count me on the lists of those not compliant with these sorts of things (it's one of the ways they rate doctors.. what percentage of your patients have had the routine screening tests they should have). The gal on the other end was still busy apologizing.

Must admit I had a good giggle when I got off the phone.

Maybe I should have just made an appointment just to see what would happen. :P

When it's time to change...

2009-07-05T09:51:00.003-04:00

After 3 years, I finally decided to update my profile photo.

What you've seen on every previous visit to my blog was a photo taken in 2006, not long before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Not that it was perfectly straight hair, but it was ever so much straighter than it is today. I've held on to that photo for far too long. It was understandable when I had no hair and even understandable as it grew back. I've gone from tight post-chemo curls to looser, more moderate curls and that's just where it is staying. That previous profile photo has not looked like me for a very long time.

(And of course, if you are reading this from Facebook.. you have no idea what I'm talking about because I've actually kept those photos slightly more up to date.)

Random Round-Up

2009-06-15T18:24:00.003-04:00

Where to start? I'm such a neglectful blogger these days. Ahh.. yes.. for those reading my "notes" on Facebook, it all actually comes from my blog at www.melissaga.blogspot.com

I suppose as I began this endeavor to share my so called "cancer journey," I should start with that report. As always, earlier this month, I received the A-OK from my breast surgeon. That means no scheduled poking and prodding until September.

On other fronts, Rachel is out of school. And when I say out of school, I mean it! She finished 6th grade in the private school that she has attended from the ripe old age of 3. The school is for preK-12, but Rachel will no longer be attending. As of this month, she is a homeschooler. She won't officially begin until August, after her ballet summer intensive program is complete. We've chosen to start with what is actually an on-line school, complete with teachers (as opposed to what people typically think of for homeschooling, with Mommy as the main instructor). It will certainly be an adventure!

Last year, I had a few entries on my return to the bar... the ballet barre that is! That has continued. I'm still taking anywhere from two to four 90 minute to 2 hr classes each week. On the non-ballet days, I usually slip in a 60 minute BalletPhysique class. The latter is not dance at all. It's a whole body fitness class and definitely the most intense hour of cardio I've ever done in my life! While I cannot brag about a large weight loss, I can brag about losing inches. I'm a good 4 inches smaller in diameter, pretty much everywhere. I'm now very deep back into the single digit sizes. And even bigger news, my lipids (cholesterol and triglycerides) were completely normal for the first time in ages.. since my ovaries were removed nearly 3 years ago. :D

Back to the reason I brought ballet up in the first place. I once again faced fear head on and did something I NEVER imagined I would do again in this lifetime. On May 31, I threw caution to the wind and not only appeared on stage again for the first time in over 20 years, I did so in a leotard and tights (and a cute black skirt)! I know what the next question is. And the answer is NO! There are no photos. No, there is no video. Well, I suppose that someone somewhere might have photographic evidence, but I do not. I am actually quite positive that such evidence exists as I could hear someone snapping pictures with an SLR camera. But, I don't have them and have no idea if I ever will. Seriously. Honestly. I don't even have a photo of Rachel in either of her numbers (ballet and jazz).

On the scrapbooking front, I was fortunate to be a guest designer for a wonderful little kit club, Scrapperie, back in May. The kit was called "Spring into Summer" and was obviously very summery. I always like to do something a little unexpected, hence the birthday page and the fall page below. I have to admit that as much as I loved working with the bright summer colors, my favorite layout of the bunch is "Serenity." The papers in this one are all from Sassafrass Lass. My scrapper friends out there may be surprised because this layout just does not look like typical Sassafrass Lass at all. It's also proof that I actually do use my sewing machine now and then. :) It feels like I rarely do any scrapbooking at all these days. It's like school.. I seem to need a deadline to get anything done!

At the rate I'm going, this will be it until July or August. And that's OK. It's a good thing, right Martha?

I missed it.

2009-05-12T16:05:00.002-04:00

It completely passed me by.

There were little reminders that it was coming.

Then the day came and went, and I did not realize it for several days... maybe even a few weeks.

What did I miss?

I missed my cancerversary. On May 1, it was exactly 3 years from the day when I first heard those words "It is cancer." Granted, I already knew it was cancer for several days beforehand. If you are familiar with my story, you may remember that I read my own films. When some people hear that, they say things like "you shouldn't have looked" or "how could that be?" Unfortunately, with my background, seeing a film like mine hanging on the lightbox (or on the computer screen) is no different than anyone seeing the sky and knowing it is blue.

I suppose what is important is the moral of the story. I missed recognizing the date because I was too busy living my life. It was a Friday. I took Rachel to school, went to an exercise class, came home, showered, had lunch, made Rachel a smoothie, picked her up from school, took her to ballet class, left the studio 2 hrs later and drove an hour in a torrential downpour to catch a friend in a play. I take this as a good sign. I can't say I have moved on. I'm not sure you ever get to move on completely, especially when you take medication daily, visit your friendly neighborhood oncology-related medical professionals every 3 months, and of course, live with the permanent body changes. But I can say that there are many more days like May 1 when my own cancer history barely even registers on my mind, if at all.

And that, my dears, is my own happy thought for the day. No.. make that the month. :)

Zometa, Round 2

2009-03-18T08:59:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was my 6th month oncology check up and my second Zometa infusion.

Zometa is one of a class of up and coming drugs. These drugs are bisphosphonates, originally designed to strengthen bones. It turns out they do much more. The data is growing everyday, indicating that that these drugs are very helpful in preventing metastatic cancer. No one dies from breast cancer that is isolated to the breast. It's when the cancer spreads to other parts of the body (metastatic) that the disease becomes deadly.

When I first asked about getting Zometa, I had read that side effects generally occured with the first dose. Then, as time went on, I started hearing that the side effects got better each time. What side effects? For me, it's flu-like symptoms- shaking chills, aches and pains. I did everything recommended, hoping to skip the side effects this go round. I took Tylenol before the infusion and round the clock afterwards. I took Benadryl to help me sleep (was hoping to sleep through any side effects!). No luck in skipping this constellation of side effects. :( But, I am happy to report it's not nearly as bad as with the first dose. I still had shaking chills last night and I am feeling like I was run over by a truck. But, last time, it was a tractor trailer that ran me over, this time, it's just a small truck or SUV. I figure next time, it will just be like getting run over by a car.

Just wanted to share this as more and more women will be getting these drugs for the same purpose. I suspect that this will become standard treatment within a few short years... my oncologist thinks a recommendation may be coming as early as this May. Kind of exciting!

Bad Scrapbook Blogger

2009-02-12T15:59:00.003-05:00

That's me.

I just realized I never shared the rest of my samples from Scribble Scrabble's other 2 lines.

Seriously folks (scrapper friends that is), these papers are so easy to use, they practically scrap themselves!

The first two are use papers and die cuts from Ruth's Collection. The frst one happens to be Rachel's resume photo from last summer. The second layout is from Sept 2006, when Rachel got her first pair of demi-pointes. Now imagine this scene.. these photos were taken maybe a week after my surgeries in Sept 2006. Rachel was begging for photos.. so she got me my camera and I sat on the couch and did my best. Had I been well, they would have been much better lit! LOL. Always a critic.

These two are from Carmen's Collection. The first layout is Rachel putting on her own make-up, including mascara, in the green room before a performance. The journaling talks about how this is just another sign that she is growing up so fast! The second layout is me with fellow YSC-er, Steph (not be to confused with Stef , a YSC lurker). The journaling is hidden in the little key envelope in the upper right.

High Anxiety

2009-02-07T16:26:00.004-05:00

I thought I was bigger than this. Bigger and braver.

But, still, every once in a while, cancer slaps me in the face when I least expect it.

I expect it when I visit my young survivor message board. I expect it when I learn that we've lost yet another member (RIP Amanda) or learn that someone else has had disease progression.

I expect it as I approach my every 3 month series of medical appointments. That series is approaching rapidly. In the course of less than 2 weeks, I see my medical oncologist for a "routine" check up, I get a an infusion of Zometa to prevent bone mets, I see my internist and I will visit a new-to-me cardiologist. That makes me a little anxious. I prefer to see doctors I know personally. I admit I am considering changing the appointment to one of the cardiologists I do know. I also hate filling out the new patient forms. They never leave enough room for my list of surgeries and medical history.

Cardiologist, you ask? Why am I adding YET another doctor to my list?? The answer is two-fold (three fold, if count that my internist has been insisting on it for 2 years and I've been ignoring her). One is that some chemo drugs can be quite toxic to the heart. The other, more pressing reason is that my mother had her first MI at 51, not too deep into menopause. I am in menopause, thanks to removal of my ovaries, and I have inherited some of her other issues as well. In the "pro" column is the fact that unlike mom, I have never been a smoker, and I exercise regularly.

That brings me to the next source of recent anxiety. I added yet another exercise class to my weekly routine this week. I started taking Zumba, a Latin dance based exercise class. Think fast paced Latin music coupled with aerobic dance heavily infused with moves from salsa, mambo, chacha, etc. It's not quite what I am used to. The warm-up is not exactly what I'd call a warm-up. It is fun, though.

But that's not what caught me surprise.

It was the locker room. (cue deep dark music)

I have been taking ballet classes for a year now. I do change my clothes in a locker room on a regular basis. I don't know why this was suddenly such a hard thing for me. I didn't expect it. All of a sudden, I was extremely self conscious of the long scars that run from under my arms, across each breast, to the edge of my sternum. I know my scars are fading. I know that I have amazingly realistic tattoos (areolae) that make the scars less prominent in appearance. I bet no one would notice unless they were looking. And who really looks in a crowded locker room? Those facts were no comfort at that moment in time. All of a sudden, I was reminded that I am still considered a breast cancer patient and will, for all intents and purposes, no matter what my disease status, will always still be a breast cancer patient. I can't hide from that when I am naked in a group of strangers.

And now for something completely different....

2009-01-25T07:59:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year again. The time of year that makes the hearts of addicted.. I mean... um... dedicated crafters sing "cha, cha, cha!" For my confused friends out there, CHA is actually the Craft and Hobby Association trade show. It's where all the new items that will appear in stores over the following months will be sold to retailers. The show begins shortly in Anaheim.

And once again, for the confused who are wondering why a cancer-surviving ob/gyn even knows about this show, let alone is talking about this show on her blog (BTW, she has even been to said show in the past), I will explain. Papercrafting, especially scrapbooking, is my hobby. Somehow, over the years, it became more than a hobby. I've dabbled on the sidelines of the industry for almost 10 yrs with publications in books and magazines and even teaching classes at stores and conventions. I don't do too much of that these days, but I do still create. I am very fortunate to be on the design team for a small Utah based company, Scribble Scrabble, who will be at the show.

So, without further ado, I present a sneek peak at Evelyn's Collection, one of three new lines.

Update

2009-01-23T10:04:00.003-05:00

As these entries now automatically post to Facebook, which seems to be taking over for blogging for many, including myself, I thought it was time for a small update.

Unfortunately, my sister has had a rather eventful recovery from her bilateral mastectomy. There have been issues with healing. Yesterday, her incisions opened down to the layer of the actual tissue expanders. She underwent an unexpected surgery and had them removed. Essentially, on some levels, this is like having yet another bilateral mastectomy. She already had 600 cc in those expanders. My implants are 650 cc, so she was already at a decent size. But, now she's back to step 0.

She's actually doing very well despite this setback. Reconstruction will now have to take a backseat to recovery. Recovery is a long road. I've read many a time that if you've spent a year in treatment/surgery, it takes another year for your life to return to normal... the new normal. We certainly know by now that the old normal is dead and buried.

Nursing Care for Bilateral Mastectomy/Tissue Expander Patients

2009-01-07T12:21:00.003-05:00

I am incredibly annoyed that I feel the need to address this.

My sister called and gave me her report from the evening and this morning.

I do remember what it was like. However, like childbirth, we tend to put the worst parts back into the deep recesses of our minds.

I had forgotten what it's like to not sleep well because the PCA button needs to be pressed every so often for pain control. She reminded me.

I did remember how hard it is not to be able to do simple things for yourself. How you can't change the channel on the TV set or even turn it off unless someone leaves it very close by. You can't reach for the phone to answer it. It has to be right there. She still reminded me.

I had forgotten that even though someone delivers your breakfast on a tray that unless someone helps you get it set up and gets you up to eat, it doesn't matter that it was delivered to you. You can't eat until someone helps you. She reminded me.

I had forgotten what it is like to wait all morning for someone to help wash you up. Help may be an exaggeration. You need someone to wash you. There's little you can do yourself. I will be explicit and add that wiping yourself in the bathroom is one of the most difficult chores you have. Pretty hard to reach that area when you don't have use of your pectoral muscles. No one ever came to help my sister wash up this morning. Her dh had to. She reminded me.

So, the purpose of this entry is not for my handful of regular readers. This entry is for when some young or not so young med-surg or oncology nursing student enters something like "post-op care for bilateral mastectomy patients" into a search engine they will may find this entry and get a clue! Your patients in this situation can barely use their arms at all. Hands, yes. Arms, no. The best nursing care will address this. And I hope to address this with the nursing supervisor later this afternoon myself.

Surgery Day

2009-01-06T11:57:00.002-05:00

Today is my sister's bilateral mastectomy (aka "double" mastectomy) and expander placement. I imagine she is out of the OR and in recovery by now. I will be heading over in a little while to see her in person.

Boy, does this stir up memories. It's been just about 2 years and 4 months since I was in the same hospital, with the same surgical team, having the same procedure (and a few more, but who's counting?!) My most vivid memories include waking up with such a strong sense of peace. 2+ years later, I still have that same peace with my decision to go ahead with removing both breasts and ovaries. I hope she has the same peace. I watched her go through the same turmoil in making the decision, not wanting to take any more time off from her life than necessary, not realizing at first that this might be key to continuing the *new* version of life.

The first few weeks after this surgery are tough. You can't do much for your self. I couldn't open the refrigerator, couldn't open a bottle of water and couldn't turn the water in the shower off and on by myself. Driving? It was a good month before I could drive and I admit it was not comfortable doing so at that point. Compounding it all was that I had some major blues and mood swings as I had my ovaries removed on the same day. Perhaps her recovery will be a tad bit easier without having that additional procedure.

Still, even having gone through this not too long ago, it's hard to know how to make it any easier for someone else, especially someone else who was raised to be fiercely independent. Mom was quite successful in that regard!

Just got word that she is in the recovery room.

A little more Nutcracker

2008-12-09T16:46:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to give equal time and share a few photos from Act 1.

I ended up with a great seat from which to take photos during the actual performance! I was a few rows back, but with mostly children in front of me. I was able to watch the entire Saturday night performance (which was magnificent) and then the second half of the final performance on Sunday afternoon so I could see Rachel as a Candy Cane (as in the previous post).

Speaking of the arts, I urge you to sign this on-line petition asking President Elect Obama to create a new position, Secretary of the Arts. The petition was started by NYC Opera orchestra bassist Jaime Austria. It's brief and to the point. You can sign and leave your email address as private.

With Visions of Sugar Plums... Sugar Plum Fairies that is!

2008-12-05T13:09:00.001-05:00

We are knee deep into Nutcracker season around here. Performances start tonight. I thought I'd share a backstage photo of Rachel in her highly coveted Candy Cane (Russian in other productions) costume! I've been relegated (promoted?) to backstage work this year, so my usual performance/rehearsal photos will be limited. I did get a handful of nice backstage shots of the production in between my cueing and quick changing responsibilities. :)

In addition, I decorated a few more pointe shoes to sell at our boutique at the Nutcracker. Tried to go with a more Christmasy Nutcrackery feel (not sure that those are actual words). Did not get around to doing half of what I planned and blogger only lets me upload so many photos at once, so this is it for now.

*If they don't sell, they will be available for purchase starting next week and can be shipped in time for Christmas. Shoes are in assorted sizes and assorted brands, some are gently used, some are never used. NONE are meant to be danced in. They are strictly for decoration purposes. If you have your eye on one, you need to leave me an email address so I can contact you. I will delete your email address from the comments section so it won't sit there for more than a day.*

I completely forgot to add that you can see another of the pointe shoes over on Scribble Scrabble's blog . For my non-scrapbooker/crafter readers, Scribble Scrabble is a manufacturer of scrapbooking/paper crafting items. They are giving away a full set of their Suzy Snowflake line to a randomly selected reader. All you have to do is post a comment on their blog before Dec 19.

You've Come a Long Way, Baby

2008-11-20T12:14:00.003-05:00

Forgive me for a little reminiscing this morning.... or afternoon. It's probably already after noon.

I was a rebel and skipped my weekly Pilates class this morning. I wasn't totally deliquent as I decided to attend a ballet class instead. It's not one of my usual classes, but I have taken this class one other time when there was no Pilates class on a sunny Thursday morning. I walked out of that class knowing that I had used all sorts of tiny little muscles in my back that I had forgotten existed.

Today, I was starting to wonder if I had made the right decision only about 5 minutes into class. Wow. I'll say that again. Wow. We started the class with a version of a floor barre that she (I'll name drop here for the ballet fans only... "she"is Susan Jaffe) learned in Europe at some point. One would think that doing barre exercises on the floor would actually be easier. You don't have to deal with gravity or balance in the same way. Right? Wrong. As I said, within the first exercise I knew I was moving into foreign ground. My muscles were feeling it before we even finished the first exercises, which were all done sitting up. I can't even begin to explain how difficult it is to sit upright during these deceptively simple exercises. And then it gets worse. You do them lying on your back. Finally, she tells you do lay on your belly and we do the same exercises. Just plies, pointe and flex and some passes. Nothing technically difficult, until she gets you to do every single one perfectly. Ouch. Her whole class was simple yet demanding. She gets you to use your muscles correctly constantly.

2 hours later, as I left the class, feeling sore (a good sore) and wondering how bad it will be later (I still have a jazz class to get through tonight, after parent-teacher conferences), it occurred to me that I could have not done any of this 2 years ago. 2 years ago, my exercise was going to physical therapy. Putting my arms into 5th position, above my head? That would have been impossible. It's all so foreign now. I feel so physically removed from that time.... and I love that! I really have come a very, very long way. I don't see that distance often. I don't give myself enough credit. But I will today. :) And, after Pilates ends in a few weeks, I'll be doing this floor barre routine on at least a weekly basis.

This week was also a return to Cancerville in so many ways. I had my 6 month breast surgeon visit. All was well. Had a full physical this week as well. Good news all around, though I am waiting on blood work. Good news for me. Good news for my sister who has just one more chemo session to go. Not so good news for a friend who learned that her disease has not responded to the treatment she has endured this fall. Plus there are several others I've spoken to or corresponded with this week who are still in the early stages of dealing with cancer. It's too much.

And now for my ads:

Only 10 days left to get the advance ticket sale pricing for the Nutcracker. :)

http://www.dancevisionnj.org/buy_nutcracker_tickets

and

crowdSPRING, hire Kelly Purkey for your new Community Marketing Manager!

Party Girls, Candy Canes and The Nutcracker

2008-11-19T19:09:00.004-05:00

I still don't understand why Marie/Clara is so excited to get a nutcracker when all the other girls get American Girl dolls in Victorian era clothing. But I do understand that Rachel is beyond excited to be appearing in her third Nutcracker.

She had the same two roles in her first two Nutcrackers in 2006 and 2007. She played a bon-bon in Act 2 (polichinelle in some productions) and was a party child in Act 1. More specifically, she was a party boy. She was thrilled to be in the party scene the first go round, was OK with it the second go round, but her eye was on the prize the whole time. She truly wanted to be a party girl. In our production, the party girls are a bit older than most of the boys.... at least than the girls who are playing boys. This year, we have a few more boys so there is less of a need for little girls to play boys as well.

So, enter the drama this year. What would our lives be without a little drama now and then? Rachel knew she was too big to be a party boy again. The problem is that she was the smallest of the girls under consideration to be a party girl and almost did not get the role as the smallest costume is still a little big. Fortunately, in the end, she was given the part and all was well with the world.

That brings me to my point in making this entry. If you are local or reasonably close to central NJ and want to see this spectacular in person (and it IS spectacular, with a 98% student cast performing choreography set by world renowned ballerina, Susan Jaffe), you can purchase tickets online at http://www.dancevisionnj.org/buy_nutcracker_tickets . Rachel will be appearing as a Candy Cane (Russian in some productions) on Friday night December 5 at 7 pm and on Sunday afternoon December 7 at 4 pm. She will be a party girl on December 6 Saturday at 7 pm and December 7 Sunday at noon.

Mom, on the other hand, will be back stage this year. So, if you do plan to attend, let us know which performance so we can find you afterwards.

Halloween, revisited

2008-11-12T13:59:00.004-05:00

Look at that! 2 posts in one day. I even have a third one floating around my head that might make it from my brain to the keyboard.

We'll see.

In the meantime, here are the various incarnations of Rachel's Halloween costume this year.

The original version, from our annual costume photo shoot on the canal.

Then, we have the version she wore to the school 5th and 6th grade Halloween dance party. We came directly from ballet, so she's actually wearing her ballet uniform leotard. She decided it was too hot and too fussy to wear the wig. Kind of funny how she discovered that cheap wigs are hot and itchy. Of course, she did not listen to me when I told her that in the first place. That's OK. All part of being a teenager. Oh.. that's right.. she's still got 2 years until she is a teenager!!

And here is the version that she actually wore on Halloween. I believe she called herself a "punk fairy" this night. She went to a friend's house to trick or treat. You can't tell in this photo of our yard, but we really don't have many nearby neighbors. Just one. After trick or treating, they were joined by another friend to watch scary movies. They watched "Poltergeists." It was brand new for all of them. :o It must hold up well. Scared the dickens out of Rachel. She had trouble sleeping that night!

Race for the Cure.. a few photos

2008-11-12T13:40:00.005-05:00

I know, I know. These are overdue.

I am just not into blogging at the moment, I suppose. But, I did get one single request for these photos, so here they are!

We have Rachel in the T-shirt she and I made. They say "2 Sisters 2 Young 4 This" on the front, in the form of a math equation because , after all, we are a family of math geeks. We made matching shirts for both Lucas and Hannah, but Lucas did not want to put his on and Hannah was not interested in showing hers off.

The only reason this photo was even taken was because a sorority girl asked Beth if she could take her picture for their scrapbook. I remember our sorority keeping a scrapbook back in the day. It's funny. I was wearing the same pink survivor shirt that everyone else was wearing. Yet, when I went up to various booths, I was not recognized as a survivor. You'd think it might have been the hair, but I think no chemo is more common than chemo these days. It could have been the age, but I think I'm looking pretty old these days. Whatever.

Stay tuned for post #2. I have pink Halloween pictures to follow. :)

An entry to end a month of pinkwashing

2008-10-31T10:39:00.002-04:00

Now, this is a survivor! I'd even go out on a limb and say she was cured. Unfortunately, in the world of breast cancer, you cannot be pronounced cured until you manage to die from something else. We have no cure. Just treatments. There is such a thing as "no evidence of disease," but unfortunately, that is not the same thing as a cure.

http://www.jacksonville.com/tu-online/stories/103108/met_350169631.shtml

Approaching her 101st birthday, she says it "is not a death sentence."
By SHAKAYA ANDRES, The Times-Union

Times were different - to say the least - when Ruth Mooneyhan got breast cancer more than six decades ago.

Surgery was performed only one way because doctors knew so little about the disease. It wasn't talked about openly, the way people do today. And after-care? When Mooneyhan couldn't afford a prosthesis after a radical mastectomy of her right breast, she took matters into her own hands.
She made her own.

"A lady at Sears Roebuck cut me out a pattern," said Mooneyhan, who grew up in Marianna but now lives at a nursing home on Jacksonville's Westside. "I put my own pockets in."

Mooneyhan is believed by the American Cancer Society to be one of the oldest - if not the oldest - breast cancer survivors in the U.S. At 100, she is inspiring family and friends who marvel at her resilience after being afflicted with a disease whose mortality rate in the 1940s was as high as 50 percent.

Ernest Mooneyhan was 15 when his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1943. He still admires her ability to cope with breast cancer at the young age of 35.

"She's definitely been an inspiration to me," he said. "She didn't let anything get her down. She's very close to the Lord. She believes it's because of the Lord's mercy and grace that she's still living."

The memories of suffering from breast cancer are a bit foggy for Ruth Mooneyhan, but one thing is certain: They will never be completely forgotten.

"I didn't know what [breast cancer] was, but I knew it was serious in my own mind," she said.

Mooneyhan was married with five children, all under 18, when she felt a lump in her right breast. She remembers how painful it was when she rubbed down on the lump.
"It was just a sore. [It felt] like a boil," she said. After doctoring the lump with cold packs and other home remedies for about a week, she gave up and went to a physician. The news wasn't good: A biopsy revealed breast cancer.

"I was heartbroken when the doctor told me ... I was scared," she said. "I never thought I'd live to see my children grow up."

She sat on the porch crying and praying before the surgery, and then she got her answer.
"A thought dropped down in my heart saying 'you'll see him larger than he is today,' " she said of her 2-year-old son, who she was swinging. "I saw him get grown and another one, too. It was an answered prayer."

She wasn't the only one scared. Her family was, too. They didn't know anything about cancer or anyone to turn to for answers.

Ernest said he remembers vividly the anguish his family went through the day his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.

"We were scared she had to have surgery," he said. "I think it would have been a real encouragement to her if she knew somebody [who could relate]."

Officials with the American Cancer Society's Florida division confirmed that tumor registries didn't begin until after World War II, and mass screenings for breast cancer weren't being done before then.

"Wow, I've never heard of someone [who has survived breast cancer for so many years]," said Lisa Braswell, a spokeswoman for the division.

In the early part of the 20th century, there was only one standard treatment for breast cancer, added Troy Guthrie, director of education and research at Baptist Cancer Institute. Radiation was in its beginning stages, and chemotherapy and hormonal therapy were non-existent.

"They have made enormous improvements in treatment and technology," said the 34-year oncologist. "[Doctors'] understanding of how to do the surgery then [was] not as nearly as good as today."

Death rates have significantly declined over the years - to 21.4 percent in Florida, according to the state Department of Health - with increased public awareness, improved breast cancer surgery and superior screenings.

For Mooneyhan, doctors in Marianna didn't have the equipment to perform a Halsted radical mastectomy - the disfiguring and debilitating standard surgery in the '40s in which the breast, chest muscles and all of the lymph nodes under the arm are removed.

She was referred to Jacksonville, where she stayed at her sister-in-law's house for a month after her surgery.

After the procedure, she went back for x-rays of her chest every month for years as a precaution to make sure the cancer didn't reappear.

Now, just months away from celebrating her 101st birthday, Mooneyhan said she is blessed to have lived a fulfilled life. She wants to encourage women with breast cancer to hold on to their faith.

"I just had faith and believed that the Lord would bring [me] through," she said. "[Breast cancer] is not a death sentence."

It's almost over!

2008-10-30T13:53:00.004-04:00

Yes! Pink month is almost over. :) Are you aware? I sure am.

I've had billions of blog entries floating around in my head, but nothing that I felt compelled to put to paper.. err.. keyboard.

I do have pictures to share. They are all very pink, so I hope you'll pardon me. While pink is a color that I do actually like and has been one of my favorites for a long time, I'm just tired of pink at the moment, so I just might not share my Race for the Cure photos nor Rachel's Halloween photos (we did a pre-Halloween photo shoot on the canal) until after Nov 1.

On other fronts, it is that time of year again. The Nutcracker is rapidly approaching and I will be doing more decorated pointe shoes to sell at our boutique. They are available for purchase directly through me as well, with all the profits going directly to DanceVision. To answer other questions that have come up, the shoes are NOT meant to be danced in and come in a variety of sizes- basically whatever I am given to work with. I can post pics of these later next month as well.

In the meantime, I *can* share some other photos, and maybe even make you hungry.

These cheesy garlic biscuits remind me very much of the biscuits from Red Lobster. Better yet, they are pretty quick and easy to make. This recipe comes courtesy of Alisa Bangerter and PaperCraft Magazines upcoming special issue, PC Gourmet.

Cheesy Garlic Drop Biscuits
INGREDIENTS
2 c. flour
2 tbsp. granulated sugar
4 tsp. baking powder
1 1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. salt
2/3 c. butter or margarine
1 1/2 c. grated cheddar cheese
1 1/4 c. milk
Chives (optional)

DIRECTIONS
Mix together dry ingredients. Cut in butter with pastry cutter until mixture is fine. Add cheese and mix well. Add milk and stir until just moistened. Drop by spoonfuls onto greased baking sheet. Sprinkle top with chopped dried or fresh chives if desired. Bake at 400 degrees for approx. 15 minutes

I admit that I don't have a pastry cutter and I'm not sure I'd know what one looks like unless perhaps my 11 yo daughter pointed it out. I do have a nice Kitchen Aid mixer (thank you Martha) and it works quite well for this purpose!

And all that jazz!

2008-10-04T05:44:00.003-04:00

So, you've followed my adventures in cancerland. You've followed my return to the world of twirly girls as I went back to ballet after about 25 years.

You've probably guessed it already. If you are a friend on Facebook you already know.

I went back to jazz class this week.

The break was not quite as long as ballet. I did continue jazz classes a bit longer, on a rather irregular schedule, until medical school began. So, instead of almost a 25 year break, it's closer to a little over 20 years. Like that makes a difference!

And even better, this was an adult beginner Broadway jazz class. Quite unlike the advanced adult ballet class I jumped right into back in January. It was easy and there was nothing complex. It did not require anywhere the same amount of brain power that I require to even get through the first exercises at the barre in ballet. And thank goodness for that because this class is at night and I am not sure I am capable of doing that sort of thinking that late in the evening. Critical medical thinking, yes. But retaining complex combinations in my head and then performing them, and even reverse, flipping them to the left side, no!

Don't get me wrong. It might not have been a mental stretch, however, it was definitely a physical stretch! I do have a natural turn out and have to think to stand in parallel. It came back to me that it was always a challenge to go from ballet to jazz class. And while it might not have required the same level of brain power on my part, it's not like I wasn't wishing there was a shower in the studio when I walked out of the class!

Did I mention the class was fun? What a blast it was! There were 4 of us, all in our 40's. I am excited because all of us are committed to continuing with the class. One of the others is even trying to figure out when she can get to the adult ballet classes now. Ah yes... another addict has been created. The instructor is a riot. He takes much of the classic Luigi style warm-up and uses them in his own way with a heavy dose of humor. I've watched the kids and even older teens take his class and they are smiling the whole time. I know I did as well.

So... now on Tuesday night, I'm going back again. They are also starting a beginner lyrical jazz class for adults too. I can't commit to another night, especially one when Rachel is actually NOT at the studio, but I want to at least try the class. (The first one is free). It should be an interesting contrast.

September is nearly over...

2008-09-23T13:33:00.002-04:00

which means October is almost here.

Not sure how I feel about October this year and the inevitable onslaught of pink which has already infiltrated most of the universe. October, for the uninitiated, is the month where breast cancer is thrown in your face at just about every turn.

As a survivor, it's a constant reminder. Sometimes, that's just not a helpful thing when you are moving on as much as you can from breast cancer. Then again, with a sister now following closely on my heels on this path, I've already been pulled back into this world. I don't need a reminder. On the other hand, I think I am actually pretty darn well. September 12 passed and it did not occur to me that the day was anything other than my father's birthday... instead of being the second anniversary of living without my breasts and ovaries. Not too shabby.

What I do need is hope. My sister and I both have daughters. We need hope that maybe, just maybe, our girls will not walk this road. So, all this awareness and fundraising, in my eyes, is for them and little girls like them everywhere.

I do urge you to "Think Before You Pink" though. Look at where your money is going from the pink products you might buy. Some of these products around in October are just pink! No money from the sale is going anywhere other than someone's pockets. Look at how much... or how little is going to the cause. Some of the companies producing special pink products are donating pennies, or less, to the charitable organization they show on the package label. Your money is better spent giving directly to the specific organization in many cases. Of course, if I am buying a package of York Peppermint Patties, you'd better believe I'm buying the one with the pink wrappers that sends a few pennies to the Young Survival Coalition.

And, I am once again participating in the Race for the Cure early next month. I even have the whole weekend off for a change of pace. Please consider supporting our me or join our team, 2Sisters2Young4This in our race against time to find a way to truly PREVENT this from happening in the first place.

End of plug. :)

Reflections on 9/11

2008-09-11T08:36:00.003-04:00

This morning, the radio show I sometimes listen to in the morning was inviting listeners to share to their 9/11 stories. Living where we do, the stories are mainly people who lost loved ones or people who were very close by, if not at the WTC.

My story starts with me sitting at this very same desk, typing on this keyboard (computer has since been replaced though). I wrote about it as a distraction on the morning before my "bilateral mastectomy + ooph + whatever other procedures we could cram in" day. Instead of reinventing the wheel, I will share that link once again.

http://melissaga.blogspot.com/2006/09/91101-where-were-you-when-you-heard.html

I've talked about defining moments before. This was one for our family. Thankfully, a positive one. I can't fathom how I could have gotten through the past 2 years of my life without my husband by my side.

Whale Watching in Alaska

2008-09-08T19:54:00.001-04:00

There's no way around this. I have literally over 1000 photos to go through. I started printing some today so I have something to show when people say "Show me your Alaska pictures." I thought I would just print a handful, an assortment from each exciting thing we did or saw.
Yeah right. I've printed probably 150 today alone and there's still more. This is just not going to work. I've decided that I am going to put these in a traditional pocket photo album, something I have not used in over a decade!

I've made an executive decision. I am going to make a simple photo book (Artscow.com) or two or three for the entire trip. Don't worry. You'll still get to see the occassional layout. I am going to use the 12x12 Alaska scrapbook album Howie bought me on the trip to do a "my favorite photos/moments" from the trip sort of thing.

Sounds like a plan. A little less overwhelming anyway!

Here are a few more photos from Alaska. These are from our Wildlife Cruise aka whale watching. We saw 14 whales! Much more than they normally see at this time of year. The first two photos are of a whale cub. It came out of the water in a full breach, not once, not twice, but three times! Howie managed to catch it on his camera phone. I had trouble getting decent whale photos, but love the tail shot below.

We also saw many sea lions.... and many is an understatement. We sailed right by an island with literally hundreds of these guys.

We interrupt this program...

2008-09-08T16:22:00.002-04:00

I started the blog to share my little cancer journey in a public fashion, mainly to make it easier for friends and family to keep up with what was happening. Since all I normally do these days is pop a tamoxifen tablet, there's not usually much to discuss.

Until Friday.

Didn't mean to scare you. There's nothing going on.

However, on Friday, I accompanied my sister to the chemo room where we both received treatments. She was given her second dose of adriamycin and cytoxan and I received my first ever dose of Zometa.

Zometa is a drug for osteoporosis. It's an IV drug, given once a year for this purpose. It is also used on a more frequent basis for treating women with metastatic disease to their bones. I do not have this. What is exciting to me is a small study presented at ASCO, one of the big oncology conferences, back in May. A study looked at 1800 women who were premenopausal at diagnosis, with hormone receptor positive tumors (just like me). The women where then randomized to treatment. Half were given traditional hormonal treatment (such as tamoxifen or an aromatase inhibitor) plus ovarian suppression (this is not traditional.. yet!), the other half received the same PLUS Zometa infusions every 6 months for 3 years. There was a 36% DECREASE in the recurrence rate for those who received Zometa in just the first 5 years of this study. Dr. Susan Love's Research Foundation has a nice discussion on the study here.

I found this study extremely intriguing. And promising. I recognize that 1800 is a small number and that 3 years of treatment and 2 more years of follow up is a short time. But, it is not often that we see prospective studies specifically looking at women who were thoroughly premenopausal at diagnosis. As I have had the ultimate in ovarian suppression, a bilateral oophorectomy (no more ovaries), this study pertains directly to me. When I saw my oncologist in August, I mentioned that I wanted to discuss the study. Much to my surprise, he agreed to give me the medication, figuring that at the worst, it would help strengthen my bones, a very common problem for post-menopausal women. At the best, it is another tool in our armory to crush the beast which is breast cancer.

So.. I had the Zometa. I've been fairly open here about my side effects with various drugs (even if it did take me a few months to talk about what Arimidex did to me!), so I thought I might share once again. I had my IV on Friday morning. Went to lunch with my sister afterwards, picked Rachel up from school and headed home. All was good with the world. I did what I was told and stayed very well hydrated. Thought this might just be a breeze. Friday was a hot and sticky night here. Not for me. After I went to bed, I was overcome by shaking chills. My teeth were literally chattering! Definitely the "flu-like" symptoms mentioned as one of the most common side effects. Made it difficult to sleep. It did alterate a bit with feeling flushed, but the chills definitely predominated! The next day, Sept 6, was my birthday. Unfortunately, it turned into one of those days that just disappears from the calendar. I did nothing all day. Generalized malaise and fatigue would be the medical descriptors. Loss of appetite too (so much for going out to dinner)! I did what I was told and took Tylenol, but it did not seem to make a difference. Fortunately, I woke up on Sept 7 feeling like myself, headed off to work a half day (12 hrs) and did just fine. We finished celebrating on Sunday and now it's like nothing ever happened.

From those who've taken it for mutliple times for other reasons, I hear it gets easier each time. I am going to believe that. :)

A little postscript about my sister:
She's at that very rotten part of the journey where you lose your hair. It started just before chemo on Friday. She had her hair cut very short on Saturday and is now wearing wigs, etc. She seems to be handling this part with remarkable aplomb. But of course.. she's my sister!

More random photos from our Alaskan cruise

2008-09-03T22:08:00.000-04:00

Back to the Skagway tour. This is an actual shot of the White Pass train. This is not the highest narrow little bridge we passed over, just one where I was brave enough to stick my camera out and get a shot! I was expecting to perhaps be a little bored on this trip. It was after lunch and it was a second view of the same landscape we saw on the bus tour.. but not at all from the same view. Absolutely breathtaking. I only have a few hundred more photos from this part of the trip.

Now we are back in Juneau! We went first to the Mendenhall Glacier, which you can see behind Rachel. We did see bears on this trip and I do have an amazing close up of a cub from our bus tour, but not from hear. Too many bears spotted on the trail, so it was closed! We did see salmon swimming upstream. I can only imagine what a field day the bears must have at this stream.

The second half of this excursion was a wildlife cruise. We actually saw 14 whales on our cruise. My shots of the whales are pretty good, but Howie managed to get a shot of one whale in a full breach.. not once, but three times! We also saw 100s of sea otters, most just hanging out on this little island.

Photos, take 1

2008-09-03T21:58:00.000-04:00

I had forgotten you can only post a handful of photos per blog post. I just tried to upload a scattering of photos to this one post, but I see that it's just not going to happen.

I took almost 1000 photos on this trip. Howie took a few hundred as well. It's impossible to share them all. Impossible to scrap them all! I will make at least one photobook, possibly a series of photobooks. I also plan to do a little traditional 12x12 paper scrapping but that album will just be my favorite photos/memories from the trip. Just too much to cover!!!

Yes, we went to Alaska, but these first photos are from Canada! LOL

The top 3 photos are from our last port day which was at Prince Rupert in British Columbia. Not a busy place. The downtown reminded me a bit of Troy, NY. A tiny city, on the depressed side of life.

As we got off the ship, a woman was handing out ads for an actual scrapbook store. Having no plans for the day, we decided to explore and find the store. So glad we did because it led us to a little street market fair that was fun to visit. The store is just a few months old and quite tiny. They did have a bunch of 12x12 and assorted sized local photos, so I bought one for my scrapbook. Their other items were definitely more expensive than back home. Loved the cow theming in Cow Bay, which was where the ship was docked. Some cute stores and a wonderful store for local artists. Other than that, we went to a drug store and bought Canadian candy- things that are difficult to find in the US like Smarties. Not the little round tart candies, but the ones that are more like M+Ms. :)

This last photo is from another day... our Skagway port day. There obviously will be little order to these next few posts.
Our excursion was a bus tour from Skagway into the Yukon to a kitchy but fun place called Caribou Crossing, along with a stop in Carcross. Plenty of other stops along the way. That was followed by a train ride from Frasier back to Skagway. Important lesson learned here! This excursion was booked through the cruiseline... so when we were more than an hour past all-aboard time, the ship was still waiting for us.

Race for the Cure

2008-08-20T22:21:00.002-04:00

I am apparently Widget-impaired.

I gave up trying to add the little thermometer that marks our team progress to this blog. Instead, I've added the links.

So, here's my plea. Click on one of the links. Donate if you'd like. Or, join our team! You don't even have to be in New Jersey on October 5th. You can chose to Sleep in for the Cure and they'll send you a T-shirt and race bib anyway. But, if you are in New Jersey and would like to join us at Six Flags Great Adventure, please go ahead and join our team.

2 Sisters 2 Young 4 This (our team page)

Melissa (my page)

Packing

2008-08-19T10:01:00.002-04:00

It's just not fun.

Was it ever fun?

I can't remember. But packing for experiencing 3 seasons in a period of 10 days, plus exercise gear and formalwear and fitting it all in one suitcase that falls under the new strictly enforced airline weight limits, is just not fun.

I like to be over-prepared so this is becoming quite a challenge. Adding just one more complication is my ever changing body. I pulled out the one formal dress I had planned to take on the cruise. Tried it on before I put it in the suitcase. So glad I did! I had forgotten until Rachel reminded me that this dress was pre-mastectomy. It's from my DD/DDD days. It's probably only 2 sizes too big. Maybe 3. Not good at all. I am a barely a B these days. So, then I move on to the dresses I wore on our last cruise. I use a photo of me in the green version as an avatar on several web sites, and another photo of me in it appeared in a published layout about breast cancer, so you may have seen it. It is definitely post-mastectomy and even post-reconstruction. I loved how it looked last year. Now, it's just OK. I could definitely use a size smaller, but no such thing exists in my wardrobe! Oh well. I've already gone out and bought a fleece for layering/warmth and a waterproof jacket to wear on top of that... and new sneakers. But I've needed new sneakers for a good year.

Can't we just travel with our entire wardrobes? It would be so much easier.

Back to the dressing room.

Oh.. and we start our journey to Alaska on Thursday night, so I will be even quieter than usual for while!

A little scrappiness :)

2008-08-14T08:09:00.003-04:00

I've been scrapping again. :)

I am very lucky to receive these wonderful packages from Scribble Scrabble every time they have a new release. :) I am going to be using so much from these new lines. Each one has at least one or two notebook style papers in various colors. I know I'll be using them constantly in Rachel's school album. I suppose it is a good thing I am a few years behind. Now, I have just the right paper.

Aside from the layout I did with the Sweet N Sour line on Scribble Scrabble's blog , I also finished two with the Suzy Snowflake collection and Autumn Afternoon. Not too hard to figure out which is which! These lines come not just with the double sided cardstock weight patterned papers, but with a tear strip which is in a coordinating pattern. Plus, there is a sheet of die cuts, a sheet of borders, and a package of chipboard stickers, some of which are flocked. Flocking is a hip thing in the scrapbook world lately, in case you are wondering. :)

This little peanut is my 2 yo niece. She was pretty impressed that we can actually walk outside and pick apples right off a tree. Too cute. She is my sister's daughter. Which brings me to a little update on my sister- she will start chemotherapy next week. She'll do 8 rounds, 2 weeks apart, then she'll get a bit of a break and will have surgeries, very similar to what I did. I've passed on the last of my hats and my last wig. I was never able to part with that one, for whatever reason. Until now. I also sent little Hannah home with some wigs of her own. I had bought some Disney princess wigs long ago. Rachel got good use out of them and we gave several to friends as birthday gifts. I had two saved all this time, so now they are Hannah's. Hannah is still working hard at growing hair, as you can see. I definitely surpassed her and I suspect her mom will too, eventually!

I am in shock

2008-08-12T10:38:00.002-04:00

I just got back my oncology visit.

I had blood work done (no results yet) and got weighed. It's the only office where I get weighed on a semi-regular basis.

I've had a good number people ask me how much weight I've lost recently. On my scale, the numbers don't seem to move. I feel like I never make any progress. I keep losing the same 5 lbs over and over again. I know that my clothes fit better (I've dropped at least one full size and my bra band size has changed) and I know I've lost inches.. 1.5 to 2 inches off pretty much every measurement one can take. But, my scale STILL does not move much.

Well, I have to say I like the scale at the oncology office MUCH better. I like their record keeping even better than the scale.

According to their records, as of today, I am officially ELEVEN pounds lighter than I was this time last year!!

I had set a goal to lose 2 lbs a month and felt like I was getting nowhere with that. Apparently, my goal was a bit too much and 1 lb a month is something I can and DID achieve!!

Doing a little happy dance... and now I am even more motivated to get back to my regular ballet classes. :) It IS working, just in sllllllooooooooowwwwwwwww motion.

So easy a child could do it

2008-08-08T22:10:00.004-04:00

Digital scrapbooking.

It's a phrase that strikes fear in the heart of many.

Others jump right in.

I didn't care for it at all in the early days of digi scrapping. The pages looked far too... well.. digital!

I also had no desire to give up that whole manual aspect. I actually enjoy cutting, pasting, and creating.

But, as you know from previous entries, I've been dabbling a little in the world of digi scrapping. At this point, it is just about making these 8x8 photo books through Artscow.com. I still play with paper. You can even see my latest paper creation at http://scribblescrabble-scribblemethis.blogspot.com/ which is Scribble Scrabble's new blog.

So, what about that child?

Rachel had a performance today, two in fact. I, being the dutiful mom, went and took photos. In the middle of one of the performances I though how cool would it be to make Rachel one of those 8x8 books from the performance. So, I went about taking even more photos and actually taking photos of the other kids too. :P

We came home and I sat down to get started. Rachel wanted to do it herself. Didn't want Mom to do it for her. She's a big girl now, you know. Truly. Look at this photo from today's show. She's dancing to Blackbird by the Beatles.

So, she sat down beside me and I walked her through the basics of digi scrapping in PSE 5.0. I showed her how to create a canvas, chose background papers, add digi elements and how to change their color if need be, and how to save a file in PSE in different formats. We looked through some digi kits and she chose a free kit from Shabby Princess.com .

Here's her title page

and page 1

Not too shabby, eh? She's almost half way through. That's 15 pages done. Not going to say how long it would take me to do the same with paper scrapping. Not going to think about it. And, I'd like to remind she is 11 yrs old. I've now taught her everything I know how to do regarding digi scrapping. Can't wait to see where she takes it next.

Tales from the Cancer Chronicles

2008-07-24T21:15:00.002-04:00

The latest installment.

Bet you thought this little collection of short stories was over, huh?

No such luck.

It's a short one and not all that funny.

It's been quite some time since I've had anything new to add to this volume. It's unusual that anything catches me by surprise these days. You might want to sit down for this part- I actually sometimes go entire days without thinking about it or the effect it has had on my life. OK. So maybe that has changed now that I have my sister on my coattails in this journey.

It was so simple. It happened so quickly I did not notice.

I was cooking today. Uhoh. Should have warned you to sit down first. I hope Howie is not reading this. He might pass out from the shock. Then again, he'd say baking chicken in the oven is not cooking. Anyway, moments after removing said chicken from the oven this afternoon, I notice a moderate sized stain on my shirt. Right at the breast level. Well.. it would be at the breast level if I had actual breasts.. so let's say foob level.. OK? My guess is that anyone with an intact peripheral nerve system or maybe even anyone with actual breasts and not foobs would have noticed if they hit a HOT, FRESH FROM THE OVEN pan of chicken with their chest. Nope. Not me.

Perhaps this is an advantage of having foobs that I had not considered before. If only they were larger, I might be able to use them as oven mitts. Aggh. Just kidding. Lousy cancer humor.

A free lunch, almost

2008-07-10T21:51:00.003-04:00

Of course nothing is free. But it's close.

I made a photobook recently on this new site, Artscow.com. I have to admit, I've never done one before. I posted about it in another entry recently where I shared my first digi layout. In the meantime, the book arrived. I am totally hooked! Love how it came out, even without many bells and whistles. I am definitely going to make a few more.

And, I am going to share with you, my friends. :)

With the book, came 10 codes for 10 more photo books. So, I have 10 codes to give away. The book is free, but you do pay shipping and handling charges totalling $13.99. You pay nothing else. The fees are on the high side because the company is actually in Hong Kong. I am amazed that you get a totally custom made 30 page book, including custom covers, for this price. Don't I sound like an infomercial? Anyway, I have 10 of these codes to give away (I still have several credits for free books myself). They expire on 8/7/08. Let me know if you want one or more codes.

Here we go again

2008-07-03T06:28:00.002-04:00

Hold on tight.

The rollercoaster is back in operation.

It all starts all over again on Monday.

My sister will have a lumpectomy and sentinal node biopsy on Monday. She had a core needle biopsy last week.

Almost 2 years to the day that my hair fell out, she'll be starting on this ^&@%^* path.

That ride to the top of the coaster, in the darkness, is one of the scariest parts of the journey. I hope that having stood by, watching me ride this monster, has made this a tiny bit easier. Not sure anything can. Not sure that she totally gets it all yet. She told me how everyone keeps telling her that she needs to put herself first now. Even if I thought I understood that at the start, I didn't. You may remember my little essay (it was published as part of a scrapbook page in the May issue of Memory Makers Magazine) about how I thought my breast cancer diagnosis was simply going to be a little bump in the road of life. It turned out not to be a bump in the road, but a huge, SUV-swallowing pot hole that put me on a whole new road altogether.

The events of the last 2 weeks led my daughter to ask a question that no 11 yr old should ever have to ask. She asked "How old should I be when I go for my bilateral?" She's just barely starting to grow breasts and is wondering when she should have them removed. She's a bright, insightful and mature child. But, she is a child! It breaks my heart to have to have these discussions.

Still, I grew up with some of the same thinking. I planned that I would have my ovaries out after I had my children. I was iffy on the whole breast thing, but confident on the ovary issue. Ovarian cancer scared me more than breast cancer because it is so hard to detect. I don't know how old I was when I made these decisions. Obviously, these decisions I later abandoned until I was actually diagnosed with cancer. I think it was more an evolution than a single decision. But, Rachel, for now, has her mind made up. She's looking for risk reduction to the nth degree. Sadly, we have nothing else to offer. I hope by the time she needs to act, there are other choices. Not just a cure, but prevention.

Broadway Baby!

2008-06-26T09:05:00.004-04:00

I've got several blog entries stored in my head from this month. Some you may actually get to read, a few probably won't even make it to my private journal.

Rachel and I have been out and running all month, ever since school ended. We've been to Manhattan at least once a week. We've had all sorts of adventures, most focusing around one of our shared passions, musical theater. I am so lucky to have had a child that loves so many of the same things that I do. :) Here's a little summary (mostly so I can print this out and put it on a scrapbook page.. I have no photos because I didn't want to lug around my big camera.. I needed to save room for our shopping finds. :o)

The first week was a completely spontaneous trip. We had a horrendous heatwave in NJ and Howie kept telling us to spend the day out of the house in order to not turn the AC on. We spent two days at two different malls and saw two different movies. There was a little break in the heat the following day when it only went to the low 90's, so we headed into "the city," which is what everyone in the suburbs calls NYC. Very provincial sounding, but that's what I've been hearing since I was younger than Rachel is now.

Anyway, I had read that they actually have a lottery for front row seats to 'Wicked.' Neither Rachel nor I have seen 'Wicked.' She knows every word to every song by heart and plays a few of them on her flute. She's been mildly obsessed with the show. Howie tried to get tickets for her birthday in March 09, but there weren't any great seats to be had for the $125 or more price tag. So, without plans for the day, we decided we'd head over for the morning lottery. After reading that 200-300 people enter the lottery for most shows, we figured a Wednesday matinee before most schools were out for the summer would be our best bet. No luck. A woman we met while waiting had won tickets the night before and she won again! Rachel was in tears as we walked away. She's getting a little emotional these days. Can't imagine where she gets that from. So, I decide that instead of MoMA, we'll visit the TKTS booth.

The TKTS booth is now at the Marriott Marquis while the new booth is under construction. I have not been to the booth in years. For the out of towners, it's where you can pick up same day discount tickets for shows. It used to be half price, but not all shows are half price anymore. These days, I usually use Broadwaybox.com for similar discounts, but you can buy in advance and chose your seats. Anyway, I let Rachel pick the show. I thought she'd go for the 'Little Mermaid' (was surprised they had a few seats for it) or 'Mamma Mia,' but she chose 'Rent.' Even though it has been playing forever, I had never seen it either. We ended up sitting in the second row, off to the side, with our 50% off tickets. Not bad at all. Loved the show. Very glad we saw it in person as it is closing soon.

We spent the rest of that day walking around the fashion district. Rachel is a huge Project Runway fan and was keeping her eye out for people and sights from the show. LOL. Instead of Project Runway, we ran into a kid and his brother from "The Naked Brothers Band." Literally. Actually, he ran into Rachel. I admit I have heard the phrase before, but really didn't know what she was talking about. As they walked away, Rachel whispered to me "MOM!!!! That's the from the 'Naked Brothers Band!" I shook my head knowingly (not). I looked them up when we came home and she was right. It was one of the kids from the show (I forget his name).

This occurred as we were heading back to the Gershwin Theater. As we walked out of 'Rent,' Rachel asked if we could try again for 'Wicked" tickets. I figured why not. I told her not to get her hopes up again and that we could go to the American Girl Place for dinner if we did not win. After a quick stop to an ATM to get more money (you have to pay at TKTS in cash or money order and it must be cash for the Wicked lottery), we made our way to the Gershwin again. This time, the crowd was huge. Definitely the 300 or so they mention on line. This time was also different because we WON!!! Yes!! FRONT ROW center tickets to see 'Wicked' for all of $26.50 a piece. We wasted some time at the Capezio store and had dinner at Ellen's Stardust Diner. And then, it was show time.

Sitting in the front row was a wonderful experience for my Wicked-ly obssessed child. Many times, the actors played directly to her. She was the only child in the front row. She got quite a few little winks and looks from Glinda in particular. At the curtain call, Glinda waved directly to Rachel. Everyone around us commented on it. Those who did not know the first row were lottery tickets (some kids sitting behind us) thought she was a friend. LOL. We went to the stage door afterwards so Rachel could get her autograph. If Rachel had a broomstick, she could have flown home, she was so high after the experience!

The following week, I used Broadwaybox.com and got tickets for 'Cirque Dreams.' It's Cirque's first time ever on Broadway and we've never been to one of their shows before. Friends came with us. I took Rachel and her friend in earlier and then her mom met up with us for dinner and the show. The show was amazing, of course. It really would be a great one for anyone to see.

Then, this week, my dad's wife (stepmother just doesn't work for me at times) took Rachel and two of her other grandchildren in. I was asked to come along to make it easier for her to manage 3 children in the city. We took them to Ellen's (yes, again) and saw "Legally Blonde." Rachel's been listening to the music since she learned we would be going. Very infectious stuff. I hear it in my head even as I type. LOL. Fun show. Very cute. Would see it again, at a steep discount only of course.

There's more, but this is enough for now. Our adventures are coming to an end. Rachel starts a ballet summer intensive on Monday, which means mostly ballet, mostly all day. And I go back to my normal life. Not sure what that means though. And it's not exactly my normal life either. More on that one later.

Stepping into the dark side....

2008-06-19T16:11:00.004-04:00

The dark side of scrapbooking that is.

I've been fighting working digitally from the start. My dh bought me one of the earlier digi scrapbooking programs, but I declined to even upload it to my machine. That was probably a good 10 years ago. Much of the scrapbooking industry has moved in this direction, though you'd never know it from our guest room/scrapbook room/craft room or whatever you'd like to call it.

I had an offer for a very inexpensive photo book. Said offer was about to expire. Knowing a bargain when I see one, I couldn't resist. I spent a few hours (not many) putting together a 30 page album from out last cruise. I tried to use the templates that come with Photoshop Elements 5.0, but wasn't happy. I then tried to use some free digi elements I had downloaded, but the process was too slow and it wasn't working out for me. So, in frustration, I made a simple book using the same background, journaling font and my photos. After I finished the 30 pages, I nearly flipped when I saw I had to design the covers and spine too. But I managed.

I decided today that I would try again and make an actual page. Just a simple one. Here are the results. This took 10 minutes tops. Almost 10 minutes on the nose. I used a free digital kit from ShabbyPrincess.

I'd do it all over again

2008-05-30T07:46:00.002-04:00

15 years ago today

Ladybug, Ladybug, Fly Away Home

2008-05-27T14:05:00.003-04:00

This is Rachel (center) and two of her fellow ladybugs from "The Secret Garden." Alas, the garden is no more. I wish I had more pictures to share, but my camera was not all that cooperative during the dress rehearsal. Even the mom shooting next to me with the digi SLR and big fast lens was having difficulty with the various lighting changes throughout. Oh well.. I will still be depending on her photos. Between those issues and the fact that I only had one chance because I was working back stage the rest of the time, plus the lovely mint green walls in the reception area, I admit I am a bit disappointed photo-wise. As long as I have a few in the end, I'll be happy. Less photos means I don't have to spend much time picking which ones will actually make it into the scrapbook. :)

We still have the spring performance (aka dance recital) left to go this weekend. The girls will be a sea of white. The entire junior division, from the pre-ballet students to the pre-pointe students will be in white leotards with white romantic tutus. Each level will have their own color sash, I've been told. Should make for some pretty photos... I hope!

On other fronts, I am healing once again. Self-inflicted this go round. I tore a muscle in my calf last week. Ended up with a quick visit to my pals in the ER and a set of crutches. My usual impatience with these things has reared its ugly head. Plus I am just plain no good with crutches. I had a flashback to highschool when I injured my knee in a soccer game. I was sent to school on crutches and called my mom in tears third period because it was just too much.

I have been off crutches since Saturday. I couldn't see walking around New Hope on crutches, so I left them at home. :0 We just walked slllooowwwlllly and leisurely. Otherwise, I really have been resting it as much as I can and I really can walk just fine now. The limp is only noticable if I have to walk quickly. Really. Honestly, I don't have pain now, but the calf still feels tight. I am going to give it one more week before I get back to my normal exercise routine (you know... walking, ballet, Pilates, ballet, ballet, and walking some more). I am still a control freak. With the inability to exercise this week, I've started keeping detailed food diaries again, hoping I can somehow manage to not gain weight this week and maybe, just maybe, I can figure out something helpful to actually LOSE these last 20 lbs.

Shoes for Sale

2008-05-19T20:11:00.004-04:00

*************EDITTED TO ADD:

This post gets many hits. I need to point out (no pun intended) that this post is now a year old. Most of the shoes are long gone. The firebird shoe, orange shoe and the purple one with the huge flower and rhinestones are about the only ones left from this photo, as far as I know. The shoes in the photos are mostly various Capezio styles in various sizes. I was able to obtain a small lot of shoes at a great discount from a Halloween store that had bought the stock of a dance store. The particular shoes in the photo were all new unused shoes. Since that time, I've been using used shoes. The used shoes require a bit more care to create.. trimming worn ends, multiple layers of acrylic paint, and sealer. Once again, they are not meant to be worn. They are for decorative purposes only. I do tend to use smaller sizes for aesthetic reasons (equivalent to street sizes 4-7 or so).

I should be posting some new shoe photos soon. :)

******************************

I have a small number of decorated pointe shoes still available. They are $20 a piece plus shipping. All proceeds to benefit DanceVision.

Of those seen above, I believe we have the purple one with the large flower, the green one with the multicolored flowers and the silver shoe with the hydrangeas available (the silver one may be spoken for though). I also have this red "Firebird" style shoe and a similar one in yellow with yellow feathers and a green rhinestone.

If anyone is interested, please email me (use the email icon at the bottom of the post and please include your email address in the text so I can reply. :))

Want to see what I've been up to?

2008-05-09T15:27:00.002-04:00

It feels like it's been a long time since I've had any scrapbook pages to share. I really have not been doing much in the way of papercrafting of late.

I have, however, been using my papercrafting stash.

Come see a sampling of my latest project here (click the word "here")

I've made probably 10 more. We're going to be selling them at the boutique at DanceVision's "The Secret Garden" , the group Rachel dances with here in NJ. The show is going to be spectacular from what I have seen from the dancing alone. If you are local, come out and see in on May 17 and May 18 (details are available if you click 'The Secret Garden" :))

Another May Day

2008-05-01T08:41:00.002-04:00

Another May Day.

For me, May 1 means another "cancer-versary" for me.

2 years ago today, at this very moment, I wound up on this crazy road, with no way to turn around. No way to get back on that picturesque road I had been following.

It amazes me what a clear cut divide there is in my life; life before May 1 2006 and life after May 1 2006. The two are are quite different. There are so few definitive moments like this. My wedding day, the birth of my daughter, the death of my mother, and the day I heard the words "it's definitely cancer." All moments when my life changed forever.

I would never in a million ways want to say that this was a blessing of any sort. People say that sort of thing ALL the time. Cancer is NEVER a blessing. I am NOT a better person. I am NOT a better wife or mother. I am NOT a better physician for this. I truly hate when people say that one because it's rude and presumptive and it's never said by anyone who knows what I was like as a doctor before. Never.

Yet, I do live my life in a somewhat different way today. I am more selfish. :) Less tolerant. OK. So, I was never all that tolerant in the first place. I am a priority in my own life. I am re-discovering who I once I was. I read more than I have read in years. I dance more. I'm starting to even find that I am singing more. It's the old "what will you regret if it's all over tomorrow." I'll never regret doing things that I love and I'll never regret spending time with those I love. It's only the time in between that's wasted.

Happy May Day!

I's April! Time for a thyroid lesson.

2008-04-23T08:12:00.004-04:00

Yup. Ignoring the blog again.

Might as well get used to it. I suspect a once a month post, maybe twice, might be all you get from me these days.

I can't say that my absence has been due entirely to being busy and living life. I find that I also get quiet, extremely quiet, when I am concerned. I was fairly stoic publically when I first learned I had breast cancer. I did not bring it up on my most frequented message boards. Only mentioned it on one of my many email groups. It really wasn't until the treatment was underway that I started to talk. Bizarre behavior for me because I am an open book. I talk about everything! Almost.

The last 2-3 weeks, I had some unusual for me symptoms. There's a rule of thumb in the breast cancer world. You wait two weeks and see if whatever the issue is persists. If so, then a metastatic work up will most likely follow. Fortunately for me, I decided to wait 3 weeks. 3 weeks is today. Today, there is a definite change for the better... so I am back. :) I'd like to attribute all of this to the dreaded anniversary reaction. I can't. But who cares? It's not an issue because it's getting better, not worse.

I'll also toss in that I just got back some more perfectly NORMAL blood test results. Well, not perfectly normal, but perfectly nonmetastatic normal. :D My thyroid function is actually hovering at the lower limits of normal. Which naturally led me to read up on thyroid function and tamoxifen. Those of you not on tamoxifen might want to move on to the next blog at this time. :)

Here's the deal. We all know about the complaints about weight gain and tamoxifen. My onc and others SWEAR that there are some women who actually have weight LOSS with this drug. My onc even thinks I am one of those women as I have lost weight on it. However, the amount of weight I lost and the amount of work I put into that loss do not match. I should have lost twice as much weight.. or more! I looked back at the calendar from 2005 and 2006 when I was actively working on weight loss. I actually lost 2-3 pounds most weeks! That would be a dream now. I am doing SO much more physical activity now than I did then and I am eating an even better diet. Still, no weight loss in over 2 months.

As part of my last round of blood tests, I had a full panel of thyroid tests. If your thyroid panel does NOT include a FREE T4, you are not getting an accurate picture. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE ON TAMOXIFEN. The typical (aka cheaper and more widely available) thyroid panel includes a calculated T4. One of the many things tamoxifen does results in an increase is the proteins that bind the functional thyroid hormone in our bodies. This will make the thyroid panel look normal when it actually is not... unless you are also getting a free t4 done as well. The free T4 measures the functional hormone that is available for use by the body. The hormone that is bound to protein is NOT available for use. The free T4 will give you a more accurate picture of your thyroid function. Even more so than a TSH.

Yeah.. I know that wasn't perfectly clear. I'd have to launch into a full lecture on how the thyroid and hypothalamus function and control metabolism and I have a ballet class to get to go today. And Pilates. If I can't lose weight, at least I can look toned. :) And without ovarian testosterone, building muscle mass is even more difficult, but that's another lecture!

Musings on the last day of March

2008-03-31T11:31:00.002-04:00

I think I am gearing myself up mentally for that whole anniversary reaction bit.

My mind is going places where it hasn't been for sometime.

As I was driving home from taking Rachel to school this morning and running through my "to do" list for the day, it hit me that this was the last day of March. I tried to remember what the last day of March 2006 was like. I remember that we were coming out of a bit of stress as Howie had recieved a "lay off" notice earlier that month. March 31 was supposed to be his last day, but he was swept up by another group within the company, given more $, and ended up starting his new position that day. That notice was what sent the wheels into motion. I made appointments for all my so called routine check ups before we needed to start COBRA (which never happened either).

By now, we all know what happened next. It started quietly. My body was rebelling against me. First, my blood pressure was elevated at my gyn appointment. That made it so I could get in to see my internist much more quickly. Turned out it was probably stress related as that went away. Then, I went for my pelvic ultrasound. I had a small ovarian cyst we had been watching for years thanks to a family history of ovarian cancer. The cyst was no longer small and surgery was up for discussion. That discussion suddenly took a back seat once my mammography results were in. But, I'm jumping ahead. The mammography films did not occur until April 2006. Back in March 2006, I was still happily living in the land of the benign. I knew before the end of April that my life had changed. It was April 18. It wouldn't be confirmed until May 1, when I was officially diagnosed. But I knew when before I left the radiology suite on the day I had the additional films and the sonogram left no question at all.

Is there a point to this? I'm not sure. I do know that up until this morning, I was considering making a call to my oncologist about my hip pain. I kept telling myself it's related to all my dance classes. I didn't go to any classes at all last week. All I did for exercise was walk and clean the house (a small miracle on the latter). The pain persisted. When you live in Cancerville, every pain is a possible met (foci of metastatic disease). But, after a full week off from dance classes, my hip pain is gone. Doctor cure thyself. :) And yes, I am going back to dance class anyway. After all, tomorrow is Salsa day! When my hip start hurting again, I'll know just what to blame.

Salsa is a million times more fun than cancer anyday. :P

March in a nutshell

2008-03-26T09:58:00.002-04:00

Guess who is 11? Hard to believe it was already 11 years ago that we were carrying this 18 inch munchkin around in our arms. I think she's 4 1/2 feet tall now. I forgot to write it down at her annual check up. Either way, all I know is that she is rapidly approaching my height!

The photo was taken at the Cinderella dinner at the Grand Floridian in WDW. Rachel is actually wearing TWO tiaras in that photo. The birthday tiara is part of having your birthday at that particular dinner. The other, smaller, more Rachel-style tiara was part of a birthday present from Grandma in Florida. Rachel had wanted to go to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique since it was first announced. It never really fit into our plans and I admit the price was a turn off for me. Grandma was more than happy to enlist the fairy godmothers in training at WDW and make Rachel's wish a reality. She went for the classic princess look, which is why she is wearing make up and has more hair gel than she used to wear in a year, back in the days when she wore gel to dance class.

And, here's the whole crew. I actually got into a photo! I might even be in more, but I haven't checked the PhotoPass yet. This is Rachel and I with my mother-in-law, just after we arrived in the Magic Kingdom. Howie decided he'd rather hang out at the resort and go for a long run instead of spending a day in the parks. Rachel is holding Violette, the elephant her friend Elise gave her for her birthday. Rachel made a photo diary of Violette's adventures in Florida for Elise, so the elephant appears in almost all our photos from this trip. I am holding My Pal Mickey who was not feeling very well on this trip. He needed a little surgery (new battery) and we neglected to have the procedure performed, so he spent the rest of the time in my bag.

Otherwise, March has been filled with routine doctor appointments for both Rachel and I. Nothing out of the ordinary. I am still working on the whole weight loss thing, but not very successfully. I must be building one heck of a lot of muscle is all I can say! I am still taking at least two 90 minute ballet classes a week, sometimes three. Most other days, I get in at least 30 minutes of cardio. With all the calories I am burning, the weight should be melting away. But it is not. I am not hitting my 2 lb a month goal. Lost 2 lbs in January and 1 in Feb. I regained weight on vacation, as usual and I am going to rack up a 0 lb loss for March I suspect. Not a good trend. I started keeping a food diary again to see if I could make some adjustments. I decided that perhaps my pastic surgeon was correct and that I am not eating enough. I was just hitting 1000 calories a day. I've loosed up and I'm now back in the 1200-1500 range (aside from that week on vacation). Not seeing any benefit at all yet. I'm planning to try to add another exercise class or two (Salsa-cise!) starting next week and will see what that does. I suspect I am making progress inches-wise, but silly me has not done those measurements.

Happy Sadie Hawkins Day- NOT

2008-02-29T11:35:00.004-05:00

I couldn't let February fly by with just one blog post, so you'll have to bear with my ramblings for the day.

I honestly and truly thought February 29 was Sadie Hawkins Day.

I have no idea where I got that idea from, but for some strange reason, I looked it up today and learned that Feb 29 is *just* leap day. Sadie Hawkins Day is in November.

Who knew?

Not me this morning when I wished Rachel a very Happy Sadie Hawkins Day. She actually knew what Sadie Hawkins Day was. That shouldn't be a surprise to me or anyone that knows her. Rachel collects little factoids like other children collect rocks. She does collect rocks too, but that's another story.

Li'l' Abner, which is were Sadie Hawkins Day comes from, has long been retired as a comic strip. Even worse, I'm afraid the musical version has faded into obscurity. When's the last time your high school or community theater put on their version of Li'l' Abner? 1981? I think that's when my high school did it. I'm betting most of you never even knew it was a musical at all. I have to admit the musical was on Broadway well before I was even born. I just happened to grow up in a house where the soundtrack was musical theater. We listed to Li'l' Abner, Shenandoah, 1776, Fiddler on the Roof, Brigadoon, and of course, Fiorello, which was not just a musical but my parents' first date. I can still picture the cast album to Li'l' Abner. I have no idea if it survived our childhood though. No idea where those albums, actual vinyl record albums, are anymore.

Still, without the album at hand, I was able to introduce Rachel to the sounds of "It's a Typical Day" and "I'm Past My Prime," the only songs I could remember from the show. It's funny how these things float back into your mind. As the day has gone on, I've been able to add more verses and even more songs like "Put 'Em Back" and bits of "Julibation T. Cornpone." Too funny. I think I'm revisiting my childhood bit by bit. All this dance may be opening up parts of my brain that have been in storage for far too long.

Speaking of dance, I tried a jazz/hip-hop class today. I should say, I tried a class called jazz/hip-hop today. There was certainly no hip-hop to speak of and not any jazz either. I saw an ad in the local paper offering a class for moms. I thought it was perfect because I am, afterall, a mom. I was even a little nervous because it said hip-hop and goodness knows I've never done a step of hip-hop in my life. No need to worry. LOL. It was more like a glorified aerobic class. I suspect the sweet gal who taught the class has more training in cheerleading than dance. Or something other than dance. I'm not sure what. If you've ever watched Nigel on "So You Think You Can Dance" comment on the sad state of dance instruction in the US, you understand.

I know, I know. I am a total dance snob. This goes beyond that, though. The flooring wasn't good. It was slippery and wooden. A dance studio today should have sprung floors. It's a safety issue. Sadly, I suspect I won't be going back to this studio. Onward and upward!

Another little happy dance

2008-02-26T13:01:00.002-05:00

Miss me?

I just haven't had much to say lately. Life goes on.

I've been working on the ever slow weight loss process. It's frustratingly slow. Especially when I watch the Biggest Loser (as I did this morning courtesy of TIVO) and see these folks with massive weight loss each week. I know it's not a realistic situation and I know at my weight, I'll never see those numbers. Even worse, being on tamoxifen, it is a constant battle to simply maintain my weight. Not sure I'm going to hit my goal this month, but it should be close. You'd think with a 2 lb goal, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Didn't get to ballet today because Rachel is ill and home from school. Tried pushing myself in the gym instead. Not the same but it's better than sitting around.

On the other hand, one of the primary reasons I have been working so hard on diet and exercise is for my overall health. I've been on medication for my lipids (aka cholesterol and triglycerides) for 9 months now. Just got my 3 month supply for a mere $125 that would bring it to a year. I also just got my recent blood test results.

NORMAL
100% totally normal!!!!!

I have to say I was totally blown away by those results. I had been concerned about "cheating." I love my carbs far too much. Giving up red meat was not hard at all. But carbs... they are my friend. Especially simple sugars. I've already gone to whole grain breads and pastas and greatly limited even those but I admit I am a sucker for a few Hershey kisses, cookies, or a few jelly beans. I should explain further. After 3 months on the medication, my cholesterol was normal, but the triglycerides were still a hair over the line. My cholesterol is now at the bottom of the normal range at 125! And my triglycerides are squarely in the midst of the normal range at 100.

I can't take all the credit. I do have to admit it probably wasn't just all diet, exercise, medication, and fish oil supplements that did this. I suspect a portion of the credit might go to tamoxifen as well. I've been on that for almost a year now. Tamoxifen is known for a having a positive effect on the lipid profile in most women. So, I'll tip my hat to tamoxifen too.

My tumor markers are normal too, as is everything else. It's funny. Having normal blood work is something I very definitely took for granted in the past. Today, it's all extraordinary phenomenal news in my book!

Going to celebrate with a jelly bean or two or three. :P

A joyful dance!

2008-01-31T19:30:00.000-05:00

Today was joyful on more than one level.

On of our last combinations in ballet today was to "We're Off to see the Wizard" from, you got it, the ever popular "Wizard of Oz." It certainly did get us to skip our jetes. So much fun! I can't even begin to explain.

Then, I was off to see my own personal wizard, my plastic surgeon who has certainly done a wonderful job of creating something from nothing for me on many occassions. My tattoos were deemed gorgeous and lifelike. Even better, I was semi-discharged. My next appointment, unless something comes up in the meantime (more on that in a sec) is 2 years. 2010!!! Will I even remember to schedule an appointment? I only have to see him every two years.

Well, that's every two years providing I don't need revisions of any sort. We went with a lighter, pinker than average color for my tats. So, it's more likely to fade and need touch ups. Right now, that would be OK with me. There are actually a few shirts I have to wear a bra with now because you can see through them a little. Oh well. :P

Then, there's the revisions bit. As much as I hate to say it, as it stands now, I really could use a little more surgery. There's a little bit of extra tissue/skin on the sides that just doesn't go with my new girls. It did work with the old ones, but they tried to kill me, so I don't care for any reminders. This revision surgery is not going to happen, if at all, until I lose the weight. I know, I know. Some friends will say I'm just fine the way I am... and I thank you for that... you are good friends. :) I may even decide once the weight it off that I still don't want the surgery. If it's going to involve liposuction, I might just pass on the whole thing. Lipo is no fun to recover from. We'll see when the time comes. I've got 22 lbs to go.

That's right. I succeeded in my first month's goal. More joy! 2 lbs down. Hoping to pick up the pace a little in February as I'm hoping to kick my metabolism into gear with all this exercise I've been doing lately.

Onto February!

ETA:

Almost forgot.

I have another scrapbook page to share.

This is from Scribble Scrabble's Felicity line. This line actually has some pretty flowered paper. For some reason, I just keep using the louder stars and circles.

That big felt star and the little felt star are from the "Tis the Season" felt shapes from FancyPants. It's a Christmas themed product, but I keep finding other uses for almost everything in it. Can't wait to get the rest of the Nutcracker images so I can do a few more pages with the more Christmasy elements.

It's that time of year again.....

2008-01-24T07:05:00.000-05:00

For my non-scrapbooking readers, which may very well be the majority as I'm not really sure who if anyone aside from a few friends reads my blog anymore, we are in the final days leading up to CHA. CHA is the Craft and Hobby Association's twice a year trade show. What does that have to do with a part-time physician, full time mom, and returning adult ballet student? LOL. My other hobby is designing scrapbook pages and various paper crafts and I d0 this for two manufacturers. I won't actually be attending the show in Anaheim (wish I was!) but some of my work will be there.

So.. that means I've actually been creating a little again. :) Some of which I can actually share. Others are for the trade show or publications and need to wait a little longer.

This one is Rachel and her friend, Elise. They are convinced they are best friends for life. They actually only see each other twice a week at ballet as Elise is taking classes in another level. On the off days, they stay in touch just like tweens and teens everywhere with IM and emails. The papers and die cuts are all from Scribble Scrabble's new Felicity line.

This is my niece, Hannah, photographed in Rachel's arms, when Miss Hannah was just a few hours old. I love these papers from Scribble Scrabble's new Circus Baby collection. I've been scrapping non-baby layouts with them too.

I have to give a plug for this book which is now available on Amazon. I was honored to be a contributor. It is an amazing collection of art journals and the stories behind them. It's also filled with journalling worksheets and prompts. Definitely the most meaningful thing I've been involved with in the papercrafting world. I admit that I initially had mixed feelings about sharing something like my cancer art journal with the world as there are some pretty raw feelings expressed in those pages. When Rachel saw my pages in the book, she was surprised because it was a project she had never seen. She's my usual audience and number one critic. But she didn't get to see this, just like she doesn't get to read my journal. She does read my blog whenever she can (hi Rach) though. :) I am so glad I participated in this book and I am honored to be included with the other strong and creative women featured in it's pages.

Twirly Girl

2008-01-17T13:32:00.001-05:00

That's me.

I took two ballet classes this week. Back to back, in fact. One yesterday and one today. I am totally addicted to ballet again, just like when I was 12.

I actually need to order more dancewear. For me! Not Rachel. What a strange concept.

I feel like I found a piece of myself that was missing.

And, on that long road out of Cancerville, I am happy to report that the *%#&*)^& toenail has been declared by my podiatrist to officially be improving! My next check up is in 3 months at which time I hope to be discharged from his care. Of course, that will mean that I have room in my schedule to see other specialists, like the gastroenterologist and the cardiologist my internist has asked me to see. But, we'll cross that bridge later. For now, I'm just a 5 doc girl. A twirly girl at that. :P

I DID IT!!!

2008-01-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

I feel like jumping up and down! (where's Vern when you need her anyway :P)

I DID IT!!

I went back to ballet class for the first time in 20 years. Probably 25 years since I took class on a more than once a week basis.

It was like coming home.

OK, So it was like coming home but the lights are off and someone rearranged all the furniture! LOL!

I took a 90 minute advanced adult ballet class. I think if I could have taken an adult beginner class (they don't have one at this studio), it would have helped because I wouldn't have been quite as lost. Everything moved much faster than I remembered!! But when I was able to remember what I was supposed to be doing, I could do it! That probably doesn't make much sense, but it works for me. :P I was able to get through most of the barre exercises (and I've been told this particular teacher's barre is a tough one) but floundered on the floor exercises quite a bit. I think there was only one combination that I was able to master. For the rest, I just tried to get bits and pieces of them.

Afterwards, the instructor did pay me a few nice compliments... including saying that it was clear that I had been very well trained. (That might be true but it was once upon a time... LOL). I remember the days when I could walk into any dance class anywhere and pretty much keep up, so it was a little frustrating for me and I imagine it will be until I get back in the groove. Yup. I am going back again.

For the last 20 years, I've tried different forms of exercise but haven't stuck with anything. Quite frankly, I don't enjoy running. Walking is OK, but I get bored even listening to music while I walk or even while watching TV (the latter helps more). I've tried aerobic dancing and plain old aerobics. I've even tried yoga, which I enjoyed and still do, but it's not like this. I think I've been looking far too long for something that was always around the corner. Well.. not quite around the corner, but close enough. If I have any regrets in this life, it's that I stopped taking dance classes. I can say that now that I've tried it again. :) I'm already thinking ahead and wondering if I can fit in 2 classes a week.... of course... that's today. I probably won't feel that way after I wake up tomorrow and after we sit on the plane to Florida for 2+ hours!!

tombe, pas de bouree, pirrouette... and again. :)

Resolutions and leotards

2008-01-01T17:24:00.000-05:00

I usually resolve not to have any resolutions, but not this year.

You've already read my first one- surgery free in 2008!

I'm also aiming for no new diagnoses for 2008 as well. I think my personal list of medical problems is more than long enough for someone in their early 40's.

I'm going public with this next one in hopes that I'll stick with it. If I can keep the above two goals in control, this will be more likely. I plan to lose 25 lbs in 2008. There. I said it. Or wrote it. Either way, it's out there now. Mind you, my internist was impressed that I managed not to gain weight on tamoxifen. Not entirely true because I've gained small amounts and then lost them. We're talking 2-3 pounds, up and down. I finally broke through and actually broke through that plateau. So, now I'm going the rest of the way. Still, despite tamoxifen, I am going to lose weight this year.

Just yesterday, I purchased what just might become my little insurance policy for that weight loss. I admit, the morning after the bilateral mastectomy, I suddenly became aware of my belly. After all, I could see it for the first time in decades. :P LOL. Yesterday brought about another of those revelations. There is little out there that is more motivating to lose weight than trying on a leotard and tights! Yes, I bought a leotard and tights for me. Not Rachel. For me. For the first time in 20 years, I am going back to dance class. Ballet specifically. So, I bought ballet slippers too. :)

I admit I am nervous! Almost in the same way I was nervous about getting my port installed. But that wasn't so bad so I'm hoping this won't be so bad either. When I mentioned it to my dad, he went on and on about how good I was, back in the day. I reminded him that 2 decades have passed. Didn't mention the extra 25 lbs that I carry either. It's funny, because back in those days, I wouldn't have been nervous about walking into any dance class. I could have taken almost any dance class and kept up. But that was then and this is now. I don't remember the names of steps anymore and my body doesn't exactly remember how to do them. I'm worrying over perfectly silly things like remember the steps for combinations, things I used to pick up the first time through.

No more excuses. I've been finding excuses for most of the last year. Too many surgeries to recover from. Too much weight to lose first. Not enough stamina. But, then someone pointed out that there will always be something. She was right. If I keep waiting for the perfect time to go back, I'll never go back. So, I'm going. At least I'm going to try it. Wish me luck!

Tattoos and New Years Resolutions

2007-12-21T17:20:00.000-05:00

Good news and bad news.

This statement is both.

TATTOOS HURT!!!!

I just had to say that.
One would think the fact that if I close my eyes I can't tell if someone is touching my chest, I wouldn't have PAIN! Of course, if you remember my story of having nipple reconstruction done without sedation or general anesthesia, you know that this is something we already discovered. Still, it came as a surprise to me just how very much I could feel. Not pleasant at all.

I did opt for local anesthesia and I am so glad I did. It STILL hurt in certain areas and it certainly did sting as the local was being infiltrated. What amazed me was that it not only hurt while the tattoos were being done, my pseudo-breasts hurt afterwards. I was sore for the remainder of the day and into the night. I suppose I could have taken a Tylenol or something stronger, but it was nothing compared to the post-op pain I've had with other procedures. Plus there was something odd and bizarre about the fact that I was experiencing discomfort in an area where I allegedly don't have feeling.

Now, more good news.

I cannot even begin to explain how real these things look. If you are a breast reconstruction patient and haven't had this done yet or have been putting it off, it is SO worth having done. Even if you don't have nipples. It's been a day and I can already say that those huge long mastectomy scars that run across each "foob" and into my side on each side are much less noticable. The eye just doesn't go there. It's amazing. I realize the color will fade, but even the color they are now is OK. They used a base coat of one color (flesh 4, I believe) and then added several other colors to make them look natural (I know brick red, chocolate brown and some kind of pink were used). Simply amazing. It's that something out of nothing bit again. Amazing.

I'm really hoping this takes. There's a small percentage of people who end up with the color rapidly fading due to mast cell activity. Knowing that I do tend to be an allergic type person, I'm hoping I'm not in that percentage. I don't want to do this again. Don't want to even need a touch up. I am so very much done with procedures and surgery. My number one personal New Year's resolution is "SURGERY FREE IN 2008!" I will gladly perform any and all surgeries on other people. I am just not planning on having anything done in 2008... and maybe even never again. Never is a very long time though. I'll take it in smaller steps. I know I made need some revisions and certainly, the implants may very well need replacing someday. In the meantime, I just want to finish healing both these tattoos and my blasted toe.

Surgery free. I like the sound of that.

Another Day, Another Doctor

2007-12-20T07:23:00.000-05:00

I think I much prefer having my appointments more spread out than this.

Yesterday's issues have been resolved. My normal podiatrist called me back, told me he would address the issue and told me there would be no charge for the visit. I have an appointment to see him after the new year.

Today is something different though.

Today is TATTOO day!!

I never in my wildest dreams imagined I'd have tattoos. Granted there is nothing exotic or creative about these tattoos. That's really just fine. I've known for a very long time that anything I'd choose to put on my body would be something that I would hate eventually. I change my mind and my tastes far too much!

It's kind of funny. I've had the reconstructed nipples now for 5 months. I've gotten used to them. Now, with the tattoos, I'll be getting areolas and color. So bizarre when you think about it. Just like when the nipples where made back in July.

I admit I'm a tiny bit nervous about the whole thing. Not too nervous though because, unlike your regular tattoo parlor and even unlike the other breast reconstruction plastic surgeon in the office, my doc uses a local anesthetic! I know, I know.. I allegedly have no feeling. But that's not the reality. We learned when I had the nipple reconstruction that I actually DO have feeling, especially on the right side. Ouch! I felt the needle for the local go in on both sides, it only hurt on the one side... and that was 5 months ago. I didn't get to watch that procedure though. I was draped and prepped in the usual sterile fashion (that's a dictation phrase every surgeon and many medical transcriptionists will recognize LOL). I wonder if I'll get to watch this. Rachel is accompanying me and is hoping that at least she will get to watch!

My appointment is at 11 am today. I totally forgot to ask how long it should take. I'm thinking we'll have to go out to lunch afterwards. :) What a long way we have come, my little girl and I. It really wasn't all that long ago, spring 2006, when we went out for lunch after that drastic hair cutting session. I remember asking her about a million times if the wig was still on straight. I was so self conscious that first outting. I was so self conscious everytime I wore it those first few weeks. Funny how things change, because at the end, I was self conscious when I DIDN'T wear it! LOL! I also remember the tears. I really held myself together and didn't cry when my hair was cut down to nothing. We were actually laughing and having fun. The tears came later. No tears today! They actually came yesterday. I'm tired of dealing with the aftermath of cancer, but glad I am around to do so.

Please and Thank you or IT'S IN THE CHART!

2007-12-19T09:48:00.000-05:00

In the last year and a half, I've spent far more time than I ever envisioned I would on the other side of the proverbial (or not so proverbial) exam table.

There are some (and these people annoy me endlessly) who say I'm going to be a better physician as a result from what I've learned by being a cancer patient. Hate to disappoint those folks (NOT) but what did or did not make me a good physician has not changed. And, saying something like that implies you know something about the type of care I provided in the past. I've not ever heard someone who actually knows that first or even third hand say something like that. I think what might have changed is my level of tolerance. I have absolutely no tolerance for substandard medical care of any sort.

Can you tell I had a medical appointment today? LOL

Today's appointment is reminiscent of when one of the ob/gyn residents made rounds on me when I was in the hospital last fall after my marathon surgery (a little review for those that might not know or remember... I had a bilateral mastectomy, tissue expander placement, port removal, and bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy... and a few other smaller procedures). It was so obvious that this resident did not bother reading my chart before he walked into the room. He clearly had NO idea what specific surgeries I had and by what approach. This was the very next morning after the surgery. Not a time when I was up for teaching, but I moved into that mode very quickly.

This may come as a shock to some, but there is actually a reason, aside from insurance requirements and possible lawsuits, why we keep medical charts in the first place. {warning: I'm feeling the sarcasm come on}. Did you know that physicians actually kept records BEFORE there ever were insurance companies in the first place? :P This is so very basic, but the first thing you do, before you even enter the room, is you read the chart. It's like a good book. There's so much information and background in there. It's why we, as patients, fill out all those forms. As a physician, I respect the time someone spends filling them out. I still ask the questions though because I often get more tidbits of relevant info. When I am a patient, I expect the same courtesy. Not only is there important information in there that the patient has written, but you can {more sarcasm} actually find out what the previous physicians have found/prescribed/thought/planned, etc. If, perchance, one does not look at the chart before entering the room, one looks at it after introducing oneself to the patient. It's like saying please and thank you. It's basic, basic, basic.

So, that's what happened again today. When it happened with that resident, he obviously reported it to his superiors (I would not let him take off a dressing because I DIDN'T HAVE ONE TO TAKE OFF!!!! LOL). He must have been a good guy because he let them know that I was not pleased and why. I first explained that he needed to read ANY chart before he walked into a room, no matter what his superiors told him to do. I also explained that I understood the pressure to get everything done as I had been an ob/gyn resident at the same hospital, but that not looking at the chart is inexcusable and something someone should have told him long before. I rarely ever pull the doctor card, but when I am complaining about medical care I think it shows where I am coming from. I used to be involved in teaching students and residents, but I am not now. Honestly, I think this is the sort of thing, like please and thank you, that should not have to be taught at this level.

Today, however, I was not seeing a resident. I went to see a podiatrist, someone who has been out of training at least as long as I have. I did not see the podiatrist I normally see. Instead, I saw his partner. When I am seeing a practicing medical provider of any sort, I have basic expectations. If it is the first time I am seeing you, I expect you to introduce yourself and I expect you to read my chart. "Have I seen you before?" is not usually a question for the patient, but if it is, and the answer ends up being "no," that's your cue to LOOK AT THE CHART. Sadly, I am no longer an uncomplicated early 40-something with a single straight forward problem. I have a nice little problem list. You should be aware of that when you speak to me about my medical issue, ideally before you even enter the room. I do not expect to have to give you a full detailed history in the middle of the appointment or even at the end of the appointment because a) IT'S IN THE CHART and b) IT'S IN THE CHART. Your opinion becomes worthless if you don't know my medical history and current medical problems. You just wasted my time and my money. Maybe. I've already complained to the office about this and do not plan to pay for an appointment where not only was nothing done, but the advice given did not apply to situation.

Totally ruined my day.

And, it reminded me why I stick to physicians who come recommended by other healthcare professionals. This is not the first time I've seen a partner who was not up to snuff. It shouldn't have to be this way. As I mentioned before, when I am in the patient role, I don't bring up the doctor card. I expect the same care as anyone else. Days like this make me wonder though. This office clearly does not realize I'm a physician (even though IT'S IN THE CHART, lol) but maybe they should. Maybe I need to give my name as Dr. Ackerman and sign in that way. It should not have to be that way... and it won't be. I will not see this podiatrist again. I'll stick to the one that actually looks at the chart.

Am I too picky? Are my standards too high? I don't think so.

The drama of December

2007-12-14T08:08:00.000-05:00

Wow. Blog much? I guess I don't! LOL.

So much going on. Lots of running around. All things that were definitely more difficult for me at this time last year, even though I didn't want to admit that at the time. I much prefer being further away from treatment (shh... yes, I am still being treated but taking a pill everyday has become routine).

I never shared the results of haircut number two. I think I can safely say that the chemocurl is gone now. I still have curlier hair, it's just not those tight curls I had before. I think I was always fighting my curls in the world before chemo. I definitely had wavy hair, but I was always trying to get it to be somewhat straight. Now, I treat it like curly hair, I don't brush it and I use those shampoos and products for curly hair. Who knew? LOL.

And since a post like this deserves a photo

This was taken at the end of November, just after haircut number 2. This is my friend Nancy, one of my college roomies. She and her girls came up for the Princeton-RPI hockey game. We went to RPI, who happened to win the game. :) I am extremely proud of Nancy, who looks lost in that sweatshirt... something that fit her a year or so ago. She will be featured in the March issue of the magazine put out by Curves for it's members. Over the course of about 2 years, she has lost 200 lbs through diet and exercise alone. That's right, diet and exercise alone! And a good measure of persistence. I've known her for over half my life and never would have recognized her without her kids. She sounds the same and her eyes are the same, but that's about it. The last time we saw each other was just shortly before my diagnosis and when she was at about the halfway point, so we were both new women in one way or another. I'm also going to point out that I actually fit into my old band shirt from college. :P

And because our girls always reunite as if they had just seen each other the day before instead of a year or two before, here's a photo of the whole gang minus dh, who took the photo. That's 11 yo Nikki, not yet 11 yo Rachel (she has another 3 months to go), and 13 yo Emily. While they were visiting, we went through some old scrapbooks, going all the way back to March 1 1997, when Rachel was still in utero (for 5 more days).

I did title this the drama of December. There has been a lot of drama lately. Fortunately, it's all just life with a tween. In the last week, we've had 5 performances and countless rehearsals of the Nutcracker (almost, still 2 school performances to go today), There was a band concert on her only night off from dance where Rachel forgot her flute (don't even go there... it was the first event that Howie could attend in sometime and he rushed the 45 minutes to home to get her flute, but arrived moments too late). Some little dramas at school, mostly involving hating gym. Nothing too huge. Just enough to make me excited for winter break!

My own little drama is going quite smoothly at the moment. I am getting my tattoos, the last stage in my breast reconstruction, on Dec 20. Picking the color was rather anticlimatic. I am so very pale, that there were really only two possible choices of colors. The surgeon had a card with areaola colors grouped by skin color. He held the card up and the choice was obvious. Of course, reconstruction is not a static event. There may be revisions and I may need the actual implants replaced someday. The tattoos may also need some touching up in the future. But for now, this is it for me. I've had enough.

Can you believe it?

2007-11-28T08:41:00.000-05:00

I'm going for haircut #2 this week.

It's only been 6 weeks, but my bangs are driving me nuts again. So, I'm going back in! LOL.

My second haircut since it all fell out. I suspect I'm going to need haircuts more often keeping it this way. I could also use color again, but I'm too cheap to spend all that money at once. I swear I need to learn how to cover my grays myself one of these days. If only they'd put the directions on the outside of those boxes so I could judge for myself without buying it first!

What's on tap this week

2007-11-26T11:28:00.001-05:00

It's a busy week.

Lots of things on the schedule. A little shopping, baking, yoga, driving Rachel everywhere, getting Rachel new jazz shoes for the Nutcracker, picking out tattoo colors, a few shifts at work, a hockey game. All sorts of fun.

Did you catch the one I slipped in there?

Me? A tattoo? That's something I never thought I'd experience. I know myself well enough to know that any tattoo I might have picked out as a teenager would not be something I'd want as a 20-something. Any tattoo I'd pick out as a 20-something, would not be something I'd want as a 50-something. You get the picture. I might admire tattoos that other people have, but it's not something I've ever actively wanted for myself. At least not for more than about 5 minutes. So, it's just not me.

Yet, this Thursday, I have an appointment to pick out tattoo colors. We (and by we I mean me) are entering the last phase of my reconstruction. The nipples that were created back in the summer are now well-healed and have settled down (read that as shrunk to normal sizes). It's time for a little color.

Honestly, as we've gone through each phase, I've thought "Hey, I don't need to do this. I can live with them like this." Hmm..... Not true for the first phase when I just had partially deflated expanders. But it was true for the nipple-less phase. I could have stayed like that forever. It was OK. The breasts or foobs (remember fake boobs=foobs) looked OK without them, especially under clothes, but they look so much more real with them. I imagine I'll feel the same after this part. They look OK with invisible colorless arealae. You can't even tell there's no color under clothing. LOL. I have seen the final product on others and it is amazing. You'd have to look closely to see that it's not real. I am looking foward to that part. I imagine it sounds strange that I am looking forward to not being reminded of the scars on my chest. The scars will still be there, but with the addition of color, the eye will not notice the scars as the first thing you see.

Kind of nervous about this. Not big time nervous, just a little nervous. It's something permanent so I want to make the "right" decision. Reminds me why I never had an interest in getting a tatto in the first place!

Looking for an update?

2007-11-19T10:58:00.000-05:00

I know, I know.

Long time, no blogging. I've probably lost my handful of once faithful readers.

My excuses?

I don't know. I've certainly had many entries written in my head. There was the one about being relieved that October, National Pink Ribbon Month, was over. There was the new episode of Tales from the Cancer Chronicles, the one where Mom (me) can make her boobs dance. Oh.. there were actually two episodes for Tales from the Cancer Chronicles. The other one was yet another silly boob trick. If you hold up a flash light to your foob (a new word for fake boob... get it.. Fake bOOB. LOL), it will glow. Not the flashlight. The foob. For some reason, one of mine glows better than the other. You can also see all the vessels left in the skin. Cool, huh? Granted, this is a trick I never thought to try with my old breasts. Someone try it and let me know. :P And not on a radiated breast. I can almost guarantee that won't work.

As for everything else... I had a nice normal exam (we like those) with my breast surgeon this week. I see the medical oncologist in 3 months. I see both of these docs every 6 months, but the appointments are spread out so that I'm seeing someone every 3 months. I see the podiatrist again next month. Yup, still working on that toenail issue from August. Not pretty. So glad it's winter and I don't want to wear sandals! Really hoping it's normal by summer!

I finally got to meet up with once of my fellow YSC friends, Steph, earlier this month. Amazing what you can do with a timer on the camera. Too bad you don't get to see me jumping over the fence and running to get into the shot. This was also probably about 2 weeks after my first post-chemo haircut. Definitely much less poofier than it was before. I'm thinking I might just keep it around this length. Hmm.. I'm also thinking maybe I should have gotten that shirt in a smaller size after all. I generally buy everything one to two sizes smaller than I wore before, but when something comes in S, M or L, I just go for the medium when I probably should try on the small to at least make sure I'm buying the right size. I'm looking forward to the day when I am actually used to this body and can buy things without trying them on in every size!

A little more Halloween and a sales pitch from Rachel

2007-11-02T16:18:00.000-04:00

Here she is.
The girlie girl rockstar in all her fabulousness.

LOL.
This is the costume Rachel created in a matter of moments. I told her that I thought is looked a bit too much like what she wears everyday. Apparently she agreed. I didn't take a picture, but I can share that the very next day, she wore these boots, leggings, skirt and the light colored shirt to school! The boots are a size too big but she wore them anyway, for the sake of fashion.

I swear this child is going to end up in business someday.

Her latest sales pitch is to you, my blog readers.

(from Rachel)

My school Parents Association is selling magazine subscriptions to raise money for activities. My goal is to sell 18 subscriptions so that I can win a limo lunch cruise! You can renew or order a new subscription. Click on this link to order.

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T12:01:00.000-04:00

We started celebrating a little early this year. This picture is from the 5th grade dance I chaperoned on Friday night. It seems to be the only photo I have with me in it out of the 200 I took that night. Thanks to Patria for grabbing my camera and getting it done!

No, no pink wig for me this year. :P It wouldn't fit on my head once I had more than a 1/2 inch or so of hair. It was actually a kids costume wig I found at Target. What's funny is that in my right hand in the photo is a witch's hat trimmed with a purple boa. All us chaperones were going to wear one. I couldn't fit mine on my head thanks to my hair.

I should mention that I actually have gotten a hair cut. I went to someone who only cuts curly hair. He totally thinned it out so no more Afro for me. It's probably a little flatter than usual in the picture because I had tried several times to wear that hat! LOL

And the super observant might notice that Rachel is wearing the Warrior in Pink scarf from last year. It was a gift from one of my chemo angels last fall. I sometimes cannot believe it was only last year.

Miss Rachel is considering wearing a different costume for Trick or Treat tonight. So many other years, she's worn something different to whatever events occurred before Halloween, saving her "real costume" for the actual day. Now, she a big Middle Schooler and there are no costume events on the actual day for them. She's undecided between being a dancer from A Chorus Line or Minnie Mouse. I vote for Minnie Mouse. She looks like a dancer several days a week already! That's not a costume! LOL

Keeping it light

2007-10-27T10:39:00.000-04:00

There are so many entries I have composed in my head but I'm keeping it light this morning.

I've been tagged by Andrea

*4 JOBS THAT I'VE HAD
- Character Performer at Great Adventure (also ride operator and costumer!)
- Easter Bunny
- Technical marketing Specialist for HIV and Hepatitis Diagnostic Products (did that one while going to med school)
- ob/gyn

*4 MOVIES THAT I CAN WATCH OVER AND OVER
- Hairspray (the original)
- Hairspray (the new version)
- Dead Again
- The Princess Bride

*4 TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH
- Grey's Anatomy
- Biggest Loser
- Big Love
- The Riches

*4 PLACES I HAVE LIVED
- Manalapan Township, NJ
- Troy, NY
- Long Beach, CA
- Princeton. NJ

*4 FAVORITE FOODS
- Jelly Belly Jelly Beans
- Lobster (probably because it was a forbidden fruit when I was a kid)
- fresh pineapple
- creme brulee

*4 FAVORITE COLORS
- deep red
- sage green
- purple
- pink

*4 PLACES I WOULD LOVE TO BE NOW
- a quiet full service resort on a Carribean island
- Kona Village in Hawaii
- London, England
- I'd like to do a tour of the west and see the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Bryce canyons in Utah, etc.

*4 NAMES I LIKE, BUT WOULD NOT NAME MY CHILDREN
- Sarah (already in use in the family)
- Jeremy (OK.. I probably would have used this had I had a boy)
- Michael (already in use)
- Rebecca (this was in the running for Rachel, but did not work with our last name)

I'll have to figure out who to tag later! :o

One more try... Race for the Cure photos!

2007-10-21T11:24:00.000-04:00

If the photo above is actually visible, here's the who's who!

Top row- Joi, Lisa, Debbie, Debbie's parents, John and Patria

Bottom row- Katie, Sarah, Me, Rachel, Kendra, Devin with Robert behind him

Sleeping in the stroller- Marco

Race for the Cure

2007-10-19T11:15:00.000-04:00

********************Don't know why the photos are not showing up. I think Blogspot was having a bad day when I uploaded them. I noticed there are some other photos that were once present that are missing from some older posts now too. I'll try to re-upload everything later.

Joi, Lisa, Debbie, Debbie's parents, John and Patria (Top row)
Katie, Sarah, Me, Rachel, Kendra, Robert and Devin
Marco (sleeping in the stroller)

I am actually a little taller than the 10 yr old girls in the photo! My knees are bent. Really! I am bending down a little. :P

I thought I had a picture of my sign. Sadly, it was hard to fit in everyone's names. Mine listed ME (of course), my cousin Sally and her mom Rose Claire, my other aunt, Phyllis, plus Stef, Steph, Dana and all my YSC friends.

Here's to Friday!

2007-10-11T20:15:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my last official day. :) Starting Saturday morning, I go back to my normal world of just working nights and weekends instead of working days, nights and weekends, all 12-24 hr shifts.

Tomorrow is also the day Rachel comes home! My "baby" has been away at The Farm School in MA for the last week, slopping the pigs, feeding the cows and chickens, clearing brush, cooking, cleaning and whatever else needs to be done on a real working farm. This is not the first time she's been away from home (Space Camp in August 2006), but it's the first time she's been away this long without any phone contact at all. We're lucky that the school has posted daily updates, including a few photos. I pulled the last two off the site. :) At least I know she looks good and has taken to wearing her hair in pigtails! LOL. Can you spot her in the second photo? Yes, she has coordinating hot pink boots to match her hot pink headband. Those boots are a whole other story. We'd been shopping for muck boots and finally found a pair at Walmart. Silly me, I didn't know to look for Wellies. Never heard of them before. They sure are cute, but I didn't discover them until I had already bought the so called "ugly black boots for BOYS" (can you hear her saying that? LOL). I told her she was just going to have to live. I even offered to paint them. Then, she wore them to school for a day (teacher's suggestion) and ended up with blisters. Yikes. It was too late to order something on-line, but we learned that Nordstroms carried cuter boots. Sadly, they were not in her size. The clerk did find Croc boots in her size though. He came out and apologized that they only had hot pink in her size. Rachel's response was "YES!" So, she is now the proud owner of the much more comfortable hot pink Croc boots.

And, now my final plug for the NJ Race for the Cure. THANK YOU so much to all that have supported our little team, Breasts are for Babies. We far surpassed our meager goals due to your help! Can't wait to see those of you who will be joining us there too!

What? It's not September anymore?

2007-10-06T10:16:00.000-04:00

I was right.

September flew right by. Once again, I feel like I have missed so much, but at least this time around, it wasn't because I was stuck at home with 4 drains, unable to drive or do much of anything for myself!

I have one more week of full-time plus work left. 60 hours to work this week and then life returns to normal. Sort of. Life then jumps into in a catch-up period. I have medical appointments galore for myself and Rachel has several dental/orthodontic related appointments. All things that couldn't fit into the schedule while I was working these crazy hours. I admit I have enjoyed this time, at least while at work. I don't enjoy missing what I've been missing at home though. It will be nice to get back to my normal part-time schedule for a while. At least until I figure out my next step professionally.

One more plug for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure.

My team page is here .

I think it may be too late to register on line, but you can still help. :)

The Race for the Cure

2007-09-23T06:59:00.000-04:00

Just 24 hrs before the deadline, I finally decided to not just attend but to register my own team for the NJ Race for the Cure on Oct 14 at Six Flags Great Adventure.

Here's the team website, Breasts are for Babies. You can either click on the "join Melissa's team" button and join us as a runner or walker (I'll be doing the latter as I'll be coming off a 24 hr shift) or even as a sleeper (you'll get a pillow case instead of a T-shirt). Or you can click on the "support Melissa" button and make a donation. Rachel is registered for the Fun Run (for 10 and under).

I'm not big on fundraising, so this is about the extent of my plea. :)

The 80's called....

2007-09-16T14:36:00.000-04:00

and asked that I return my wardrobe from that era.

And more. Much more.

I did it.

I finally did it.

For years and years, I've had this nicely sized walk-in closet stuffed the brim with clothing. The sizes range from an 8 to an "I don't ever want to be that big again" 14. The clothing dates back to as far as the 1980s. Yes, I actually found the dress I wore to my high school graduation in the closet. Rachel did not want to keep it (so.. it's a little yellow and a little out of style... LOL), so out it went along with my banana yellow and lime green jump suits. Complete with shoulder pads. And, just because that image is not complete without a photo...

Aw... come on... you didn't have one too? I actually had 3 including one in black. I admit, that even back then, I mostly wore the black one. I thought I looked sharp in it. And thin.

So, on the eve of the anniversary of the day my hair sprouted, I woke up and decided it was finally time. 90% of the clothing did not fit anyway. Even the things I bought in this century. I'm pretty much keeping just what I've bought this year and just few older T-shirts to wear for exercising.

9 full large trash bags went to Goodwill. I'm sure someone will love these items for an 80's dance. Maybe. LOL! Not every bag was filled with clothing from the distant past. There were plenty of things that were bought in the last 5-10 years that just do not fit my reconstructed chest. It was painful to give up some of my favorite outfits, but the reality is that they no longer looked nice at all. :( But, it's not as much fun to take pictures of that sort of clothing... so more of the 80's and what was I thinking?? LOL!

I so loved this black taffetta and velvet number. Even with the double layer of double thick shoulder pads! LOLBoth Rachel and I love this fabric. Thought it might make nice pillows or maybe a curtain. Didn't everyone have a floral dress like this? I had about a dozen.

Ah yes... another of those floral dresses. This one was hard to part with because it was my favorite. OK. It is a size 7 and I will never be a size 7 again. An 8, yes. Not a 7. I wore this the day I met Howie's extended family. It was what I wore to Sara's Bat Mitzvah. So what if Sara is getting married this year. So what if it was something like 18 years ago. I know, I know. Don't worry. The dress went too.

Rachel says that Stacy and Clinton need to thank me for doing this on my own. :o And I say that I still could use a visit from that dynamic duo to help me figure out how I should be filling all that empty space in my closet. That rack behind me in the photos is the middle rack in the closet. When I woke up this morning, it was jam packed, from one end to the other. Now it is sparsly filled with a few hangers, a SMALL handful of dresses, a new hanging shoe rack and a hanging sweater rack that holds my pocketbook collection. :)

L'Shana Tova

2007-09-13T19:41:00.000-04:00

Happy New Year! For the uninitiated, that's what Rosh Hashana is and l'shona tova is my wish to you all for a happy, healthy and sweet new year.

And now for a little newsflash:
It took one week to put it on and two weeks to take it off. Nevertheless, I am happy to report that I have lost the weight I put on during the cruise. Funny how I still managed to gain weight despite being pretty careful about what I ate and exercising daily!!

It's so strange to scroll down and see that photo from my birthday last year. It still is just as surreal as it was when it was happening. And while I admit that I am now happy with my curls, it still is odd to see photos because it's not how I picture myself. In my mind, I still look more like my profile pic on this site- straighter hair, with waves, not loose curls everywhere.

That's all.. just some random thoughts for the day. I'm now about 1/2 way through this stint at working full time. I suppose I should call it full time plus as I'm doing anywhere from 48-84 hours a week. It's like residency all over again except I have a little more "off" time than I did back then!

Adventures in Portrait Photography

2007-09-08T15:51:00.000-04:00

Those with several children can probably relate well to this.

We took Rachel plus my niece and nephew to have a portrait done as a gift for my dad for his 70th birthday later this week. (Yes, lots of birthdays in our family this week.. Dad's, mine, his wife's and even my grandfather's birthday). Miss Hannah really was not very interested in having her picture taken. She wasn't interested much in smiling either until we had left the store, of course! LOL. We spent over an hour all for the want of a single photo.

Here are the results.

The last one is actually my favorite.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2007-09-06T09:04:00.000-04:00

Kind of a mixed up day.

So happy to have another birthday! Seriously. Nothing like having had a potentially fatal disease to make you appreciate aging. :)

It's also a day when I miss the call my mom would have made to me, usually sometime around 5:16 pm, my birth time. :)

Took Rachel to school this morning, something that was a little anti-climatic. We did our traditional first day photos at home and at school (one at each place) but no other pictures. I guess she is too old for all that. It also doesn't help that yesterday was orientation and I wasn't there for that. First school event I have missed in several years.

I know I've posted both of these before, but I wanted to share the contrast. What a difference a year makes, huh?

Cruise highlights and a little lowlight

2007-09-04T17:40:00.000-04:00

Some shots from the cruise:

This is actually from the return trip, in the wee hours of the morning (about 5:30 am) just after we crossed under the bridge on the way to the pier (midtown Manhattan). I have some cool shots of the Statue of Liberty, but most of them were taken on the vertical, so you'll have to wait for at least some basic photo editting! These are all straight out of the camera. :)

Iguanas were everywhere in St. Thomas. This was one of many hanging out in the outdoor eating area at Coral World.

I loved this shot on the little screen on my camera. If you can't tell, it's a turtle peering out over the water. I'm now itching to learn how to use photo actions to make some of these sorts of shots even better. I've got a ton to learn first, I think.. maybe.

This is the only formal shot we bought. Incidentally, it scanned just fine, as you can see. I was not pleased with the cost of the pictures on this cruise. More than I had remembered from other cruises, plus there were no candids like we had on other cruiselines. The candids were usually my favorites. Plus both my husband and daughter said my photos are better than the ones we had to pick from. Maybe, maybe not... but I'm not in the photos I take. Anyway, I had to buy this one because it is the only picture of me in my new dress. :P I like this dress. It's essentially the same style as the one below, (the one I bought for Jessica's Bat Mitzvah) but obviously more summery.

Just found this one. It's from the second formal night, taken on our enormous wrap around balcony. It's probably the best example of where my hair is now, a year after chemo was done. Still very curly, but then again, I have not had it cut yet. This was taken about a week before my birthday. For contrast, you might want to look here (scroll down to Oct 13.. yes my bday is Sept 6, but I was otherwise occupied last September so it wasn't posted til the next month). Hey look- there's even a hint of cleavage. That's all. A hint. And that's just fine.

Here I go again. This is actually the second time I am posting a photo of myself in a bathing suit. And I still haven't lost the weight I had last summer. LOL. OK. In reality, I gained even more but I lost that and I'm back to about were I was during chemo. My arm looks funny because Rachel was slipping as she was trying to climb on the rock with me! LOL! This was taken on one of those disposable waterproof cameras at the Baths in Virgin Gorda, one of the highlights and lowlights of the trip. Mostly a highlight. I would love to get a waterproof digital or a smaller digital with a waterproof case for something like this in the future. All our cave shots came out very poorly because there was no flash. Guess I'll just have to go back! Anyway, the caves were amazing. The water was gorgeous and calm. The snorkling was incredible.... until my little incident occured. Nothing like getting your brain tossed right back into Cancerville when you are mentally at the furthest point away from that. Just a silly little thing, she says NOW. While snorkling in the crystal blue waters, I lost a toenail. No trauma. Didn't hit anything. It just simply lifted off. Not completely. It was hanging by a thread so I put a bandaid on and kept the nail on until we got home. Didn't seem silly at the time. I admit I was traumatized, but I got over it quickly because there was so much more I wanted to see at the Baths.

That seems to be all blogger will let me load for now.

So, it's back to reality tomorrow.

Rachel has middle school orientation. I am back to work. I have about 6 more weeks of this crazy schedule and then things return to the quiet normal. A happy medium would be nice and is something I am slowly working on achieving. Tomorrow will be Howie's first day working from home. He'll be doing that twice a week while I'm working both days and nights.

Running on Overdrive!

2007-08-19T18:11:00.000-04:00

That's my life right now.

And that's a good thing... I hope!

As of this week, I am back to full time work for the first time in several years. I'm working 12 hour days actually during the day. :o For those that are not aware, normally I cover 12-24 hour shifts as an in-house doc on nights and weekends. For the next several weeks, I'll still be doing that but I will also be doing several shifts during the day where I cover both the hospital and run an ob/gyn clinic that happens to be located across the parking lot from the hospital. So far, I have to admit that I love it, but it is exhausting! I can see that I was burned out before. I don't know that I'd want to work this many hours ALL the time, but the money will be nice. I worked 72 hours this past week and the full time job only started on Wednesday! This will help make up for a bit over 6 months total of no paycheck between the time I ended up taking off for chemo and all the various surgeries I've had in the last 15 months. And, I am hoping that maybe it will lead to slightly more work in the future.

Fortunately, just after I get the hang of things, I will get a break. We are going on a previously scheduled cruise vacation. :) So, the few moments I've had away from work have been filled with shopping for clothes to wear (mostly for me since nothing fits right) and packing. Oh yes.. and sleeping. Not enough sleeping. I almost feel like I am in residency again. Long days with lots of action. I imagine September 2007 will be like September 2006 in one way.. it will last forever and pass by in blur.

Anyway... if I am a little quiet over the next week and the weeks to follow that, you'll know why!

It's Showtime!

2007-08-10T09:39:00.000-04:00

We're getting ready for Rachel's final theatre camp performance today... which means I should actually print out the photos from the yesterday and the last show, 3 weeks ago! While I'm in the process of doing that and charging the battery, I thought I'd share a few from the last production, "Kids Rock," a history of music from the 50's to the early 60's. It was pretty much all done in the form of songs from Broadway shows. From the top, Rachel and Jack dancing the jitterbug, Rachel in "Surfin USA" (second from the right), and Rachel in a scene from "Bye Bye Birdie." Blogger won't let me share much else today. Not very cooperative! :(

I'll try to sneak in just one more.. Rachel and her friend, Joey, in the finale from this weekend's show, "Rock on Broadway."

I was lucky to get decent seats at the final dress rehearsal both times. If I sit close enough and the lighting is not too bizarre, I get pretty decent shots by pushing the ISO to 400 and shooting in P mode with the shutter speed up most of the time. I still get unusuable shots, but I'm starting to find that I'm now getting more usable ones than not. :) I have a pretty good idea of what I'd need to do even better but I don't actually have a DSLR. I do have PSE 5.0 on order (finally) so I'm hoping that learning to play with actions and the like will help even more!

Don't No Body Bring Me No Bad News!

2007-08-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

25 Brownie points to whomever can name that song. :)

It's a no bad news, all good news sort of day.

First....

No more stitches!!!

Well, that's not entirely true. There's one left. It's dissolvable so it will eventually fall out all by itself. But, all the rest of the stitches are gone. No need to restock my Neosporin supply (already went through one tube) and no need to go buy more dressings. Turn off the oven and open the door... I am DONE!

Not completely done, but done enough for now. Tattoos to follow in a few months.

More good stuff. The very expensive medication I started 2 months ago to bring my cholesterol and triglycerides back down to earth is actually working. My cholesterol is back down to normal! Yahoo! The triglycerides are back down to a shade above normal. I am confident I can bring them all the way down to normal once I add back my omega3 supplement. I had stopped taking it for my recent surgery, but that was 2 weeks ago, so it's time to add them back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all about diet and exercise. My levels all went UP despite diet and exercise. That's what menopause and maybe some tamoxifen (in a small number of people.. like me!) will do for ya.

And even better, my LFTs were ALL normal. My cancer friends will understand that one! Each and everyone was normal except for the one they couldn't run because the specimen was hemolyzed. Sitting in the back of my brain for the last 2 months was the fact that one of the enzymes checked in that panel 2 months ago was out of the normal range. This is life living on the other side of Cancerville. The concept that the other shoe can drop without any warning. In most people, an elevation like that is usually totally meaningless. In someone with a history of the sort of cancer that likes to recur, an elevation in a simple blood test can be the first sign of something bad. The actual enzyme that was elevated is one that can rise in liver and bone mets. I know someone who had a small elevation, smaller than mine was, and it turned out, in retrospect to be the first sign of mets. So... big sigh of relief here today!

A little reminiscing...

2007-07-25T09:43:00.000-04:00

While driving home from bringing Rachel to the theatre for camp this morning, I was thinking about all the little things I have on my agenda for today. I need to pick up some more small gauze pads, I want to get some blueberries, and I need to get a few things together for a scrap booking session this morning. Then, it hit me what life was like this time last summer. It's that telescope of time thing again. It feels both like it was so long ago that maybe it never happened at all and it feels like it was yesterday. At this point last summer, I was getting geared up for my last chemo session and was pretty darn sick with some kind of upper respiratory thing I could not shake. Driving Rachel to and from camp was about all I could handle most days. Walking to the other end of the house was something I waited to do because it seemed so very far away!

I mostly like the feeling that this all was so far away and so long ago. :) I have a different body, different hair and a different mindset.

That's all. It's almost time for another picture. I think a photo a year after finishing chemo would be a good thing. Something to put on the schedule for next week. :)

Hairspray

2007-07-20T21:01:00.001-04:00

We interrupt this blog for something that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with cancer or scrapbooking. :P

Hairspray.

The movie.

See it.

I can't remember any other movie that I came out of with my face hurting from smiling so much! The music is infectious (knew this before we went in). The dancing is fast paced and energetic. The energy just exudes from the screen. I also cannot remember a movie when I wanted to clap during the movie! It wasn't a big audience in the theatre, but everyone did clap after the movie was over.

I know the movie just opened today, but I already cannot wait for it to come out on DVD. Rachel and I went with two friends and their 10 year old girls. We were all laughing, smiling and tapping our feet. The girls were dancing in their seats... and after it was over, during the credits, dancing and singing in the aisles!

For afficionadas of the original movie with Ricki Lake as well as those familiar with the Broadway show, you'll want to stay for the credits. The play "Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now" from the Broadway show. What makes it fun is that the three Tracys sing the song- Ricki Lake who was the original star of the movie, Marissa Winokur who opened in the role on Broadway and the amazing Nikki Blonski, star of this movie.

A confession, something out of nothing, and a layout

2007-07-18T19:39:00.000-04:00

I have to admit something.

Yesterday, I did not take a shower until well after lunch.

So? Big deal, right? Well, it was a big deal to me. Taking a shower meant I needed to take off the dressings. In all honesty, I just did not want to see what was underneath. I had asked to see pictures, but my PS did not have any photos of post-op untatooed (is that a word?) nipples to share. Just the finished product. I've seen several pictures on my survivor websites, but none were freshly post-op. Everyone always talks about how huge they are. I just did not want to see because I did not know what to expect. And maybe, just maybe, because I wanted to pretend just a little longer that I did not just have surgery. I also did not want to deal with getting all that surgical tape off!

Finally, I bite the bullet and do what needs to be done. We'll be venturing into the world of TMI here, so if you don't want to know or might be offended somehow, go read someone else's blog.

You were warned.

I took off the dressings and WOW! I have to say I am totally impressed on how he was able to make something out of nothing. If they were not purple (he always uses a purple marking pen) and amber brown (the Duraprep used to clean the area.. it is long lasting and hard to get off), bleeding a little (told ya' this would be TMI), and didn't have tiny pieces of clear suture (I believe it is 4-0 Monocryl :P), you would totally think they were real!!! Seriously. At this point, they look like.... umm... well... they look like the headlights are on. Over the next few months, they will shrink down and will not look like they are stuck in the on position. It's then that I will have my very first experience with tattoos. You have to get color on them somehow, right? Oh... and as someone who was quite well endowed and had one almost term pregnancy and had nursed for quite sometime in my previous life, I have to say how happy I was with the position of said headlights. Some of you know what I mean. They make the whole product look perky. Yup. Perky.

I thought I had a doctor's appointment today. Turned out it was for next Thursday, so I went to Kohls. There was a radio ad about the "lowest prices of the season" and it's so close to the office, I decided it was meant to be. :P I came home with a big bag full of clothing, all for me. Some of it may go back. Neither Stacy, Clinton nor my own fashion critic, Rachel, appeared to assist me. I will have to get Rachel's opinion on a few things. At one point, I was trying on a halter style top (how cool is that? My breasts actually fit in that little built in bra!) and I noticed that you could see the so called headlights. It looked perfectly normal. Freakin' amazing!

No more Barbie boobs. What a layout that would make! Hmmm... don't worry... if I were to actually do one, I would not be using the more graphic photos. LOL

And speaking of scrapbook layouts, here's one for the road. These papers are from the second line, Sam, just released by Scribble Scrabble in time for the summer Craft and Hobby Association show.

The morning after

2007-07-18T07:10:00.000-04:00

We can just add yesterday to the list surreal experiences!

Having the procedure under local anesthesia without any sedation was a new experience for me. A little bizarre, I might add. Surreal is probably the right word. Anytime I have to be the one jumping onto the OR table is incredibly surreal for me. It's like being in some strange dream (dare I say nightmare?). Being awake and alert for the experience only magnified that feeling.

You learn something new everyday, right? Yesterday, I learned that I have much more sensation than I ever imagined! First, the surgeon did the typical testing for sensation. I couldn't see, but I've done this sort of thing enough times myself to know that he put an Alice clamp on the spot where the nipple was going to be created. I felt no pain whatsoever. Not even sure if I could really tell that there was something there. Your brain can play tricks on you when someone says 'Do you feel something sharp?' or something along those lines. Next, it was time to inject the local anesthetic, a little lidocaine. I even made a comment that I did not think it was exactly necessary. Umm... not quite. I was shocked when I actually felt the first needle go in! It means I am regaining sensation! That is soooo cool! I cannot even begin to explain how happy I am about that. Not everyone does and it takes a very long time. I should mention that first needle did not hurt. It's just that I could definitely feel it. I was aware a few more times on that breast. Then he moved on to the right one. Not sure which number injection it was, but boy did I feel that one. It got a definite 'ouch.' Note the use of the lowercase ouch there. have you guessed what's coming next? Yes. That's right, the full out, bold faced uppercase 'OUCH!' I not only felt that one but it hurt and not just a little bit. Wow.

The actual procedure was bizarre. I think if I could have watched, it would have been less so. Just like we tell our patients to expect with a c-section under an epidural, I could feel all sorts of stretching, pulling and tugging. I could feel every suture being cut. I could also feel the scrub nurse apply a little too much pressure when she was retracting. Ugh. Some people are not used to having an awake patient. In ob/gyn, we have awake patients in the OR all the time, so it's something we are quite used to and deal with very early in our training.

The whole thing took maybe 45 minutes for both sides. I was able to walk right out of the OR and into recovery. A little nicer than being pushed on a stretcher or on a wheelchair. The OR nurse offered, but I said I'd rather just walk if I could. It felt much more normal. :) Another nice thing about having a procedure under local, you don't have to wait and recover long. I still did get a snack in the recovery room though. I was starving by then! I was allowed to eat breakfast, but my case was originally scheduled for noon. I thought I'd be able to eat right afterwards, so I didn't have lunch beforehand. It was almost 2pm by the time I got into the OR. Fortunately, Howie went out and picked up lunch for us both while I was in the OR.

Another odd thing is that I am definitely aware of something. What that is, I'm not sure. I don't think it's all in my head. There's a feeling on my chest that is a little hard to describe. It's almost like I feel sore, as if I had just nursed a new baby. Remember that I don't have actual breast tissue and I certainly have no milk ducts. I've read other women's reports after nipple construction (I don't like to call it reconstruction, though technically it is a reconstruction I suppose.. I'm starting from nothing, so to me it's construction. LOL). I don't recall ever reading anyone else mention that they had some type of soreness in the nipple region afterwards. Most mention that they don't actually feel anything there. Some mention pain at the donor site. My surgeon did not use a donor site. He used the skin on my pseudo-breasts to create something out of nothing. I haven't actually taken a peek yet. I can today, but I'm waiting. I'm allowed to shower and remove the dressings today. Not sure I am ready to look yet. Not sure what to expect. Even more not sure what to wear! I have one of those lovely black surgical bras on again. This is number 3 in my collection. :P I need to keep the sites slathered with Neosporin, so obviously, I need to wear something. Not sure I want to wear one of my two real bras. Not keen on getting "stuff" on them but black really doesn't go well under most summer clothes. I half wish I had waited until the fall, but I'll be working my normal part-time job plus a full time temporary position (covering someone who will be out for maternity leave), so there wouldn't be time. And, if I had waited any longer, even more nerve sensation would have been back! Dreading the tatoos now that I know that I'll be able to feel it, at least in part!! I have to wait about 4 months for that. One thing I do know is that the nips are huge at first. They take about 4 months to settle down to whatever their normal size will be.

Nothing to do today except take Rachel to and from the theatre. There's tons of stuff that needs to be done in the house, but it will wait another day. I think the Cipro is making me a little dizzy, so sitting around might just be a good thing today!

T minus 1

2007-07-16T20:53:00.000-04:00

By this time tomorrow, I'll have nipples.

Is that just not the strangest concept?

I am in my usual semi-denial mode. I can't believe I am having surgery tomorrow.

My house is a mess. My MIL is coming for a visit this weekend. So, what do I do?

I scrap!!

For my scrapper friends, this is one of the new releases from Scribble Scribble. Everything but the lightest green paper is from the Georgia line. The light green paper is the reverse of one of the papers from the new Sam line. For those that are just stopping by, Rachel is still an only child! This is a friend who started at school this past year. From the very first day, the teachers were confusing the two of them. Even teachers who have known Rachel a looonnngg time. She's been at Prep since she was 3, after all. Some of the kids starting calling them "the twins." I think there is a definite resemblance... but there is no relation between them as far as we know. :)

July 14

2007-07-14T10:00:00.000-04:00

While I'm sitting here recovering from my morning bike ride, I thought it was time to update the old blog with some meanderings.

Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. I might be a crazy fool, but I decided to have it done under local anesthesia. I figure that I am actually much more at home being awake in an operating room than I am going to sleep in one. I did have the option for sedation. Sedation is a beautiful thing. I had it for my port insertion and it was quite necessary for that. I was so incredibly anxious. I had more anxiety before that procedure about than anything else I've gone through in the last year plus. Maybe even more anxiety than anything, period. LOL! Anyway, with sedation, you get a wonderfully amnestic drug, so there's no memory of the procedure itself. I can remember them setting up for it and I can remember them taking the drapes off. Nothing in between other than being told he was going to start the medication. :) Love that.

So, then why not have it for the nipple construction? It's as I mentioned, I don't have anxiety about walking into an OR. It feels like home. It's comfortable. I love the idea of knowing what's going on. It fits with my desire for control. So... my non-mastectomized readers are wondering... what about pain?? Isn't there going to be cutting involved? It is surgery afterall. Well, in the Tales from the Cancer Chronicles (the book that exists only in my head and maybe in some blog entries), there's a chapter about silly silicone games. There's one where I close my eyes and try to guess if I'm being touched. And I lose everytime. The nerve regeneration is getting closer. I'm getting itchy in new places... but I get the itch, scratch, and then don't get any satisfaction because I can't feel it!!!! Hard to describe, but that's how it is.

If I were more ambitious, I'd share some layouts. But you can't see them if I don't scan them. :P

July 5, a year later

2007-07-05T17:01:00.000-04:00

Last year, just minutes after my second chemotherapy session, we packed up the RV and headed for the beach for a July 4 week vacation. Somewhere, in the archives, I have a picture from July 5 2006 (it's in my blog entry from July 10 or 11, 2006). It was the day after the massive loss began. I was starting to look a little mangy at that point. It would take a few more days of massive hair loss to get that bald look going. I had it by the time we got home on July 10th.

So, now a year later, I thought I thought it was time to share the current state of my hair. It is so very curly that it is hard to appreciate the true length. I only get to appreciate that when it is totally soaking wet, and even then it doesn't lay perfectly flat. If it were like my old hair, I would need to get the bangs cut. And, as I've said before, if I brush it, it's much larger. Huge in fact. I'm having a relatively flat hair day today. I used lots and lots of product today because it was so humid. If I didn't... well lets just say I could give early 1970's Micheal Jackson a run for his money!

And, here's the real reason I broke out the camera today. Rachel came home with a pair of rhinestoned pink sunglasses, courtesy of a friend who made a trip to a costume shop today. She wanted her picture taken. :) Not only did she want her picture taken (and I was happy to indulge) but she specified that I must scrap it with pink polka dot paper. :P Only a scrapper's kid!

I actually made Rachel's skirt from scratch yesterday. Made one for her American Girl doll too. She's decided to wear it tomorrow for "dress like your favorite 50's and 60's rock star" day. Originally, she tried to recruit other girls to join her as the Supremes or Dreamettes (from DreamGirls), but everyone wants to wear their poodle skirts tomorrow. They've decided to be another never actually existed group, The Pink Poodles. LOL!

A funny aside.. Rachel loves the glasses but hated the close up shots I took. She says the glasses make her nose look big. Uhoh. We are definitely on the cusp of those teen years!

American Girl, Broadway Shows, Words and Surgery.

2007-07-02T13:26:00.000-04:00

July is finally here and camp has started for Rachel. This means that my overcompensation for not being able to do much running around last summer is now drawing to a quiet close! In the last few weeks, we've had several trips to the mall, seen a few movies, had playdates and sleepovers (that should read tried to have sleepovers! LOL), been to the American Girl Place in NYC twice, and seen two Broadway shows. The pics below are in reverse order. Rachel and I had fantabulous seats to see Hairspray earlier this month. She likes this photo because you can see the can of hairspray above the marquis. Our most recent trip into NYC was on Wednesday. The grandparents, my still newlywed Dad and his bride, treated us to a lunch and a show (The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee which is a riot!) I honestly did not intend on a second visit to the AGP, but Rachel certainly did. She brought her doll with her and hoped for the best and she got it! LOL. Both Dad and Arlene bought her new outfits for her dolls. Have no fear. I'm not getting off that easy. I bought the apron set during a visit earlier this month and I'm sure we will be acquiring the new dance outfits that just came out sometime in the future.

Since it is finally quiet here, I decided to spend the morning putting up my new favorite home decor item. I don't think this fad has really hit the east yet, but it seems to be big in the midwest at least. I bought a few sets of words from Uppercase Living.
They are so much fun! They are actually made out vinyl. They go onto the wall a bit like rub-ons. This first one is in Rachel's room (and yes, that is a laminated Paperkin on her mirror. She used to play with them). The next two, obviously, are in the kitchen. I've wanted to something with that expanse of white tile for such a long time. This seemed like the answer. Once I figure out what I want to say and how big I want it to be, I am thinking I will be ordering more. Definitely something for over the bed in the scraproom/guestroom, something for the living room entryway area, my bedroom, the family room... I could go on and on. They come in all sorts of sizes. You can pick pre-made phrases like I did or design your own. Tons of options. They are pretty easy to get on, even on the tile (that was slightly more challenging at first) and they are fully and easily removable. I never have home parties of any sort, not even scrap-related, but I am thinking about doing one for this. Or maybe just a catalog party as my rep, Miley, is in Nebraska!! LOL. If anyone wants to browse the catalog, I can foward the info from Miley.

On a slightly more serious note. This is a strange anniversary week for me. This is the week I lost my hair last year. I wonder if the July 4 week will always be marked this way for me. I plan to take a picture this week to share so you can all revel in my curliness. :P I think I look like a refugee from the 1970s or 80s. When I brush my hair, I look like a refugee from the late 60's! As I've said many a time, just dye it red and call me Annie. :P In this July's issue of Simple Scrapbooks, I have a scrapbook page about the whole hair release thing during our July vacation at the beach last year. You can even see me in a bathing suit if you pick up the issue. And I'm even wigless, but with that big ol' hat, you can't really tell. :)

And one more thing.. in case I start to ignore the blog again. My next surgery date is July 17.

Shock and Awe!

2007-06-25T09:22:00.000-04:00

After all the trauma of being rejected, I just got word that my next reconstruction surgery has been approved after all!!!!!

Apparently, there is no straight foward way to do these things. The method by which it was finally approved and with my own surgeon was more than a bit convoluted. That's OK. It happened. :D I am going to ask how much they plan to pay in advance after the "only paying for one breast when I had 2 removed" fiasco of the last few months. It took about 3 months, maybe more, to get them to cough up the full amount for my exchange surgery (when the actual implants were placed).

For my scrappy friends, this means a 99% chance I will not be at CHA-S. My surgery will be just a few days before that. I'll have to just be there in spirit... and in paper and photos. LOL. I'll have some layouts and photos in various places on the exhibit floor. I am so very sorry that I am going to miss seeing Stef, Dana, and Genine (no blog that I know of). These three are my fellow young breast cancer scrap industry related friends. We've been through the mill together. Dana set us all on the way as she did this a full year before me. Genine and I went through a good part of treatment around the same time. Stef followed me by several months. We are all finished with the most active treatment now and all of us, except me, will be in Chicago for a weekend in July. You kind find lots of Stef's work in PaperCrafts Magazine, Dana has her own paper line and Genine, until recently, had her own lss. She and I will have art therapy journals in an upcoming book from Sharon Soneff next year. :)

It really hasn't sunk in yet. I can't believe it. So tired of the insurance company games.

Let it roll

2007-06-24T08:36:00.000-04:00

It's been one of those weeks all sorts of things did not go as planned.

Once upon a time, I was a type A personality, with everything that goes with it. I lived my life with lists, always following the clock, and with high expectations. There was a point in time, I think it came sometime after my residency, when I made a conscious decision not to live my life that way. This may be shocking for some, but it was then that I gave up wearing a watch. {I can hear the gasps from the type As out there now! LOL}

Just like purses are to me now, a watch was a very necessary fashion accessory. Of course, it was more than a fashion accessory, it was how I lived my life. Always in a rush to finish the task at hand and get onto the next.

Even worse than giving up my watch, sometime after I finished residency and did not need to get up at 5 am on a regular basis, I gave up my alarm clock. I actually applied something I learned in medical school but never had the chance to try. If you get enough sleep, you will wake up on time. It happens each and everyday. It actually still amazes me.

So, now I'm going to bring back this not so amazing conversation with myself to cancer. You thought it was going to be a non-cancer post, didn't you? LOL. Is it ever? I learned a lesson this week. We had all sorts of things go wrong this week. I was trying to meet a friend in Penn Station and missed her by probably 10-15 minutes due to a late train and cell phones that don't work in tunnels. It rained that whole morning, ruining our original plans (we made due with a morning at the American Girl Place... a bonus for Miss Rachel). Rachel and I were supposed to drive to MD to visit a college friend and her dds on Thursday. We were also going to visit the Great American Scrapbook Convention in VA with them (they are new scrappers), and we were going to scrap (reminds me that I was going to work on my Boxer stuff for July- still need to do that!). None of that happened because my alternator died a sudden a death. My dh went to install my new amazing Sony dye sub photo printer only to learn that it was broken before we ever used it. It will be replaced, but I am printer-less (my addicted scrapper/photography fiend friends will understand that calamity). It's been one thing after another the last few days. Nothing is going my way.

But it's OK. And that's the lesson. In my post-active-treatment life (though taking a pill everyday is still treatment, but it's certainly not as violent a treatment as chemo or surgery), the little things matter less. In another lifetime, I would be angry, frustrated, ticked off, and maybe even sad. But I'm not. I'm OK. It's not a conscious thing. I didn't have to decide that I was going to let these things just roll off my back. They just did. All on their own.

Not sure if this really is a blog-worthy entry, but that's OK too. :P I'm going with it.

A little less serious sharing :)

2007-06-18T13:55:00.001-04:00

I've been sneaking in a little scrapping in the mornings over the last week. It's good therapy. :) This is one I did early this morning, when I came home from work. I still love these pictures. They were taken on the towpath of the canal. It's become our Halloween tradition to go out there and take pictures after school. The journaling talks a little about the dress. Originally, when Rachel decided she wanted to be a colonial girl (the American Girl Felicity, to be exact), I thought it would be a great summer project to make the dress ourselves. Then, chemo got in the way and the plans were put aside. I eventually found a talented seamstress on EBAY who does costumes for reeanactment events and our problems were solved. She made a dress for Rachel's doll too, but it did not arrive in time for Halloween.

Rachel's current dance school does not do formal portraits. Not really a problem at all, as I had stopped buying anything other than the group photos for the most part. I've been either taking them on my own or having them done. There were so many good ones to pick from this year. It was so hard to choose. These are two of my favorites. The bottom one is from her hip-hop class. Most cost efficient costume we've ever had in this house!

A clearer head

2007-06-17T19:51:00.000-04:00

This whole post might be TMI for some.

You've been warned.

Stop reading and go surf somewhere else if you are not interested.

Having slept on this, I've decided that maybe this insurance company denial is a good thing.

It's making me re-think the whole concept of this surgery.

The reality is that "the girls" look just fine under clothing. At least I think they do. No one has said otherwise yet. Wonder if anyone would tell me if they didn't? It would be nice, however, if I could fill out a bra in a normal store. That was part of why I wanted to continue the reconstruction process. That, and looking normal when I glance in the mirror.

Maybe I just need to get more adventurous in the bra trying on department. And, before anyone starts suggesting, I have already been to Victoria's Secret with their completely clueless and frightened salesgirls and I've been to the new store (new to me) in the mall that's attached to Chico's, where they had so many bras I wanted to buy (none fit) and at least the salesgirl was not frightened (don't think she exactly understood, but at least she didn't run away scared). I measure out as a B or a C cup, but despite the illusion, the shape really is not normal. There are very round silicone implants that make up the real shape. Every B cup I've tried on has looked silly because the cup is just too big in the middle. I could get the special prosthetic devices (thin sheet of silicone) that look like they have nipples and fill out the cup, but then why did I have reconstruction? I could have just left everything alone, been concave and used prosthetics. No thanks. I think I'm going to try an A cup the next time I go into one of those stores with all the cute bras. And, I am going back to the specialty shop, Sylene's. The place where they actually have fitters trained in fitting women with reconstruction. I finally put on the bra I bought there... lo and behold.. it fits nicely. It's even kind of cute. Just a little too high cut. And since my insurance company that won't pay for my plastic surgeon of choice will actually pay for 4 bras each year (a perk of having had a mastectomy or two), I might as well go back and get 2 more to fill the quota for the year. And, one of these days, but not this summer, I will make a trip to visit my mom's cousin Carol. She retired from being a college professor and runs my great aunt's lingerie shop, Ruth's in RI. If you are in RI and need a bra, esp if you have any special needs, it's the place to go.

Now, I admit I have no interest in wearing a bra ALL the time. It's just not necessary, though I do worry about the weight of the silicone causing further sagging if I don't wear one. Then again, that would be perfectly natural for a woman my age. :P LOL. Still, the bigger issue is looking normal. Not that there are huge numbers of people that are ever going to see my Barbie boobs. But, it's for me. Obviously it is solely for me. It's the idea that if I were to change my clothing in a locker room, I wouldn't look glaringly like a Frankenstein version of Barbie since I otherwise look nothing like Barbie and no Barbie I've seen comes with horizontal scars across her chest.. but I bet someone will make one now that I've said that. It's so when I get dressed or take a shower at home and I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, I can forget.

Anyway, I took a look at this website (fixed link) . If you are very curious, take a look at the areola reconstruction photos. I'm thinking something like this just might do the trick. It creates an illusion with no permanent headlight issues (you did realize that there is no "off and on" when you have completely fake nipples, right?). I'm thinking this might be my answer.

I do also think that I need to take my time and not jump into a decision. It's not like chemo (which I delayed). It's not even like having my ooph (salpingo-oophorectomy = tube and ovary removal), which I also put off for a few months (the gyn wanted to do it right away, before chemo even.. as most of you know, I waited until after chemo and did it with the bilateral mastectomy). There's just no rush. It would be SOOOOOOOO nice to be done with everything. Reality check reveals that I will never be done with everything. I'll be taking drugs for at least the next 5 years. I'll be in some level of surveillance for the rest of my life. It's just how the cards played out. So, I'm going to try to take a deep breath, relax, and think about it all some more.

From Freedom to Crash and Burn

2007-06-15T17:47:00.000-04:00

I spoke too soon.

The insurance company did not get a clue.
Instead, they have issued a "don't pass go, don't collect $200 card." I am so incredibly disappointed. This is part of my reconstruction. It's a multi-phase process. This is the next phase.

All hope is not lost. Just most of it. We are appealing the decision and trying to get approval through another route. However, we've already been told it's extremely unlikely they will reverse the decision.

I am just so sick of the roller coaster. You may remember from my posts last year, I don't like roller coasters. I do not ride them on purpose. I thought this one was over. And now, it may be over.

Yes. I know. I could find a plastic surgeon in network. That might just be what I'll have to do. Once again, it's starting over. More consults, more paperwork, more phone calls. And finding people who've actually been in the OR with these surgeons. I just don't have the energy. I just want it to be over.

And it could be. I can just stop here and not go further with the reconstruction. Initially, that's what I thought I was going to to do. But, then I saw what the completed product, so to speak, looks like. It's real. They look amazingly like the real thing. Dh, of course, points out that they don't actually work and I wouldn't be able to actually feel them anyway. He's right. That's part of why I wasn't sure I was going to do this initially. But, then, when I saw how normal they made artificial breasts look, I changed my mind. I want that too. I want to look normal, even if I am the only one that ever sees them. But, I am tired of fighting the bureaucracy. And honestly, it's not important enough for me to spend the 1000s of dollars it would cost out of pocket. Not that I'm really even in a position to do so considering the months I've been out of work in the last year and the cut in hours once I did go back.

Yeah. There are worse things. A year ago tonight, I was having dinner with my dd and my sister's family. It was my first dinner after my first chemo session. The fear of the unknown was resting heavily on my shoulders. I still had my original breasts then, so it might have been the weight of my bra too :) Hard for me to imagine that anymore. Anyway, I'm NED (no evidence of disease), I have my family, my friends, and that's all much more important. Might sound a bit Pollyanna, but I have to repeat these things for myself sometimes. :)

Freedom!

2007-06-12T12:13:00.000-04:00

Saw my plastic surgeon yesterday.

I still get a kick out of the fact that I have a plastic surgeon. I did once consider becoming one myself. I once cut sutures during a very cool facial reconstruction surgery during a short surgical elective as a medical student. They were reconstructing the face of a little boy who had a severe dog bite injury. The surgery was amazing and I easily imagined myself doing that sort of thing. I also love operating with the minute detail and neatness that a plastic surgeon should have... but no one really gets to see my work because most of it is inside. :) LOL

Anyway, I had a short list of questions for him and I loved the answers. :) Number one was about my restrictions- they've been lifted. Number two was about living 24/7 in a compressive high impact sports bra.

Yes.

You got it.

I am free!!!!

Finally, I am allowed to wear any bra in any color or style my little heart desires!!!!!

Or, better yet, no bra at all. :)

I admit I came home from my appointment and took off the sports bra. :o

The concept of shopping for any bra I want after all these years is, in all honesty, overwhelming. I was a C cup by the time I was in 6th grade and was wearing a 32D by sometime the next year. I no longer have that small a band size, but I'm now a B. I've spent years admiring all the cute colors and styles that came in B cups. What I want to know though, is when did Victoria's Secret become so darn expensive??? LOL. Years ago, I tried to shop there, but 38DD was not really a size they carried in the store and if they did have one, it did not have sufficient support. I went there a few weeks ago, before I was allowed out of the sports bra... just to take a peek. Those bras cost almost as much as my old multimillion dollar Wacoals.

As overwhelming as it is, it is much better than being overwhelmed by chemotherapy.

So, what's next? If you don't want to know, stop reading.

We discussed the next phase. Assuming the insurance company gets a clue and agrees to pay like we were originally promised, I get nipples. He makes them out of my own skin. No skin transplant technique like some do. He uses the skin that is already there. I understand that they are quite huge (he used the term protuberant) for a while and then they shrink down. I guess it means I should get bras for our cruise in August because the headlights will be on all the time! :o Then, about 4 months later, I get to do something else I never pictured myself doing. I get tattoos. That's how they get color and how the areola is created. I bet you didn't even think about that part. Just like how most people don't realize that getting cuter boobs in a situation like this is not quite the same as having a reduction, lift or augmentation. After a mastectomy, there's no feeling. When I have the nipples created, I will not need anesthesia. No general. I can have sedation if I choose, but it's not necessary. I'm thinking of doing it without sedation so I can drive myself (though my sister has offered to take a day off and I suspect dh would offer to do the same).

So, that's the latest. A little more information than some of you probably wanted to know. :P

Jessica's Bas Mitzvah

2007-06-06T10:01:00.000-04:00

It seems that I can only post 5 photos in one entry, so here's a glimpse from the party on Saturday afternoon.

The first one is the incredibly gorgeous Jessica dancing with her dad. She did a wonderful job with the service that morning. I must say that Rachel was particularly impressed with all the work and studying that went into preparing for the service. This was the first actual Bar or Bas Mitzvah that Rachel has ever attended.

Across your screen... My cousin Sally who flew in from CA for the occassion. For my breast cancer buds, she is 13 years out from diagnosis, NED, living life, and is quite happy to be a posterchild for young survivorship! :) Next are cousins Elliot and Donna, the parents of the incredibly gorgeous Jessica. And, by now, you all know me. :P I had to show this one for those of you who listened to me complain about shopping for a dress. This is certainly something I never could have worn prior to Sept 12, 2006. Looking at the photos (I only have 2 with me in them, a hazard of being behind the lens), I'm not sure I really even fill out the top of it. Such a bizarre concept when I know that before Sept 12, I couldn't have worn it at all because my top would not have fit into such a small thing!! And yes, I did take the ubiquitous sports bra off for the day.

Below is Rachel and her great-great uncle Sheldon. He's Jess' paternal granddad. He had his 90th bday not too many years ago. All the children adore him. He called me pretty much every single week throughout chemo and after surgery.

And, if you look closely, you'll see that Rachel matches the tableclothes. This was not planned! We learned about it when we arrived. LOL! Some of my scrapping friends know that it also matches some Scribble Scrabble papers. Also not planned. My dad and Arlene bought this dress for Rachel and one in blue for Arlene's granddaughter when they had a sleepover earlier this spring. Rachel fell in love with the dress (it is very Rachel) and because Rachel loved it, Brooke loved it too. :) Brooke is a little younger and likes to do whatever Rachel does. :) It's cute.

I couldn't resist showing one of these of my nephew. Yes, I said one of these. I have a few photos of Lucas looking like this. He was not too found of the volume of the music at first.

And last, but not least, is dh dancing with my niece, Hannah. You may remember her from a photo I posted this summer, Two Bald Girls with Earrings. You will note that I have significantly more hair than Hannah does now. :P Good thing she's not old enough to know I was competing with her for hair and I WON! She is still the cuter one though. :)